by Larry Niven
Rachel saw Ali nod, but didn’t hear what she said into Gabriel’s ear.
They all looked exhausted. Rachel thought about saying something about it. She was just too tired to open her mouth.
CHAPTER 72
VISITS IN PURGATORY
WHEN RACHEL WOKE hours later, Ali’s head lay pillowed in her arms on the table, her long braid nearly touching the floor. Gabriel had fallen asleep sitting up. He looked terrible: drawn and empty, wrung out. Rachel’s mouth tasted like he looked. She licked her lips.
Treesa snored lightly on John’s shoulder. The web of wrinkles that fanned out from her eyes and mouth seemed to blend into her thinning gray hair. John wore a glazed look as he stared at the httle bits of data that still flowed in the monitors.
“Hey,” she said. “Good morning.”
John jumped. He had to grab hold of Treesa to keep her in position, and Treesa shuddered but didn’t wake. He looked at Rachel, a wan smile just touching the corners of his mouth, not visible in his eyes. “A hard day and night, yes? Particularly for you.”
She shrugged.
The door pushed open. Beth’s head poked through, looking around. When she saw Rachel, she pushed the door the rest of the way open and ran to Rachel’s side. Sarah piled in after her. As they engulfed her in hugs, Rachel felt a little bit of fragile happiness.
Gabriel was smiling tiredly at the three of them. Rachel returned the smile, and then Beth took Rachel’s face in her cupped palms. Warm brown eyes searched Rachel’s face, full of concern, and Beth asked, “Are you okay?”
Rachel thought about it for a moment. “I’m all right.”
Beth’s own face looked crumpled and her eyes were red-rimmed from crying. Rachel asked, “Did Harry get to Refuge?”
Sarah nodded. “He said you told him to be sure I was okay. He doesn’t look very good, though. He keeps talking to himself. Gloria’s staying with him. Do you know where Justin is?”
Rachel grimaced. “They took him to the ship.”
Sarah’s eyes looked incredibly sad for a moment, then she smiled softly. “Harry told us what you did. He said you were very brave.”
“Did he tell you I killed Andrew?”
Beth’s hand stole into Rachel’s, squeezing it. “He said you had to. That Gabriel would have died.” Beth glanced over at Gabriel. “I remember Gabriel carrying me away from the fire.”
Sarah continued. “Harry said you saved us all. That if Andrew had killed more people we might all be dead. He said you saved Justin.” Then Sarah too took one of Rachel’s hands. “We know about Dylan.”
Rachel reached out to Beth and held her close. She noticed tears streaking down her friends’ faces. They had all three lost a brother in the last few days.
John came up and put a hand lightly on Beth’s back. “It’s time for you all to leave.” He said it softly, but firmly, using his captain’s voice.
Beth asked, “Can we take Rachel with us? The others need to see her. Harry, Gloria . . .”
John shook his head. “We need to see her now, more than you do. And she needs to rest.”
The bridge had to be built from Council’s end. Rachel reached for Beth, saying, “He’s right. Tell everyone I’ll be there soon. Or I’ll see them all when we get back to Clarke Base.”
Gabriel broke in. “Which may be a few days.”
Sarah’s face fell; Beth simply looked resigned.
“Beth—thank you for staying when I needed you to. It sounds like it will still be up to you for a while—take care of them, especially your father.” Beth nodded, and Rachel turned to Sarah. “And, Sarah, you take care of Beth.”
Sarah smiled, as if being given a responsibility made all the difference in the world. Beth looked at Gabriel and Ali. “You must take care of Rachel for us.” She looked solemn. Without waiting for an answer, she pushed Sarah out the door.
Star and Shane came in. Shane looked all right, serious, but then he usually looked like that. His clothes were rumpled. Star had dark circles under her eyes, her hair was uncombed, and she moved slowly. Treesa set coffee in front of them all, and turned to rummage in the cupboards, finding dried fruit and crackers.
“What are the surface readings, Gabe?” Shane asked.
Gabriel called up a new data window. “I’m getting some data. Sporadic. Radiation readings indicate the flare left only residual traces in the air. We can probably go up to the surface and take a look in a few hours.”
Treesa bustled over and put her hand on Star’s shoulder. “How are you doing?”
Star’s hands fluttered up near her face, then came back to rest on the table in front of her. “I keep thinking I didn’t have to kill Sheila. I didn’t mean to, but what if I had just stayed captive? Gabriel and Ali were in the warehouse ten minutes after I left. Couldn’t I have waited ten minutes?”
Treesa smiled down at the younger woman. “You never know the answers to some things. They might have killed you.”
“I’m glad you’re safe,” Shane said, coming over and pulling Star into his arms. “I was afraid I’d lose you.”
John looked at Gabriel. “So, you think we can go up and look around?”
Gabriel nodded. “After we eat. We have data flow back from some of the sensors, and the air is testing clean. You want to go with me?”
John and Treesa both said “Yes” as one.
Star shook her head, stepping out of Shane’s embrace, but staying close to him. “I want to stay here and help out.”
Shane looked at her. “There are other people. Enough to keep things running down here.”
“I know. But I still want to stay. I don’t want to go up there yet. I was in charge, we were in charge, when all this happened. We need to stay.”
Rachel fidgeted, unsure what she wanted to do, what they would let her do. She caught Treesa’s eyes, and Treesa smiled. “Being busy is needed,” she said. “It’s healing.”
Rachel remembered the bodies. “Can you help me bury Dylan and Andrew?”
“Sure we can,” John said. “We should have done that before.”
“Then I’ll go up.” She suddenly felt closed in. She needed sky above her and Selene’s dirt under her feet.
CHAPTER 73
THE HALF-FULL GLASS
GABRIEL STOOD ON the path riding the crater’s rim, looking down at Clarke Base. Much of his view was still regolith desert, blue lines of aqueducts, ordered greens of fields followed by disordered greens of jungle stretching out away from the industrial town below him. Four figures on the roof of the warehouse were removing bodies for burial.
There would be more death. The green he saw had been blasted by a vast radiation storm.
Ymir had slipped past his immediate vision . . . become a mirage, always beyond his reach. How would they cross such a distance if they couldn’t even make a moon?
Data streams flowed haltingly from all over Selene again. A full grid of data was healing itself, routing into a complete net. The flare hadn’t damaged John Glenn. It was shielded against far worse, against interstellar dust at relativistic speeds.
Safe Harbor bobbed at the dock below him; they had ridden it over this morning, the five of them tiny on the huge boat. Refuge was invisible, blanketed by water, holding the few thousand refugees who had filled Clarke Base.
Gabriel moved in a circle, looking around, feeling the warm damp air, absently stretching his arms. He was frozen without a clear direction. Where did he fit in this new Selene, where deep conspiracies excluded him, and old women saw him as a useful tool, but flawed?
He recalled the heady feeling of making this place, of forming the sea, of landing Refuge perfectly. And still Selene defeated him. Apollo with its flares, Selene itself with its quakes and finicky atmosphere.
A rattle of sliding rocks carried through the still, warm air. Others were walking upslope toward him. Gabriel watched them. John and Treesa held hands. Rachel and Ali walked close to each other, heads down, talking. From time to time one of them gestu
red.
Rachel came to take his hand and lead him back up, away from the others. When they got to the top and gazed down at the Sea of Refuge, she put an arm around him before he had a chance to respond to her.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
She shook her head. “That question is driving me nuts. I will be, okay? I have to be okay.”
Where do you get your hope? “Why?”
“My people need to come back up from underwater and find . . . something good waiting for them. Beth—Beth is brave and wonderful and caring. Sarah needs me; she’s lost as much as I have. Harry lost a son. I could go on.” She fell silent for a few steps. “You need me too, I think. Or not me specifically, but we all need each other after this; Council and Children and Earth Born together.”
He looked at her wonderingly. Her face was turned toward the sea, looking down on the floating dock above Refuge. A strand of red hair pulled loose and floated near her face.
“The AIs too, Gabriel. They’re scary, but they’re alive . . . conscious anyway.”
“But . . . but . . .”
“You’ll need Astronaut if you ever fly away.”
“I thought you wanted us to stay.”
“And we’ll need Vassal.”
She fell silent again, and they walked, closing on Council Aerie. She had surpassed him; still working on solutions when solutions seemed beyond reach. Even given what she had just done; burying a lover and a childhood enemy, she looked calm and fresh and beautiful. Young. Sixty thousand years . . . a few hundred spent warm, against what, twenty-five? That used to be one’s prime, on Earth, a long time ago.
“They could force the matter of the collider,” he said.
She shrugged. Gabriel said, “I think I’m with you. We can’t risk generating antimatter on Selene. It’s—inelegant. We might be all of the human race left, on Selene and John Glenn. Convincing anyone else will be hard, and Liren could still block us, and . . . I just don’t know where else to put antimatter.”
Council Aerie looked fine, of course. Geomagnetic storms didn’t damage plascrete. As they drew closer to the Aerie, he realized how much he really did like the design; it was arches and bubbles and curves, with windows everywhere. It sat, a soft thing on the hard edge of a crater, on an impossible world.
“I’ve never been here,” Rachel said.
He turned and held her, folding her slender body in his arms. She should have been here. “I’ll show you around. We can stay here while we figure out what to do next.” Her hair smelled of dust, of Selene. Gabriel realized that he wanted very much to kiss Rachel. He pushed aside the impulse sternly. For the moment, he would give her some privacy to heal in.
CHAPTER 74
SPEAKING FROM THE MOUNT
TREESA AND RACHEL sat outside on the short wall that bounded the path leading down to the dock. Rachel watched the evening sky gather the last brightness of dusk, briefly, and then breathe out the beginnings of darkness. She had slept through a virtual meeting the others had with Erika, Rich, and Clare.
Enough light remained for Rachel to see the calm on Treesa’s face. Rachel asked, “They didn’t say what they plan to do with Justin and the others?”
Treesa shook her head, staring at the darkening sky. “Not yet. John argued for a meeting tomorrow morning, said that you need to be heard.” Treesa sighed. “It was hard. They’re used to making all of the decisions. I think what turned the corner was that they’re also used to following John—he was captain for so long. Erika’s strong, but still new to command, Clare has always been moderate, and Rich isn’t much of a decision maker. I think maybe Liren discredited herself some coming down here. She wasn’t at this session, and no one mentioned her. We argued for you to be heard, so there’s time set aside tomorrow. You represent the Moon Born. I’m sorry so much has to fall on you now, but what you say will be important.”
Rachel’s feet scraped against the wall below her and her fingers gripped the edge tightly. “What should I tell them?”
“That’s up to you. I cannot counsel you, and neither, I think, can any of us. I will say that Justin’s fate is not the bigger issue here.”
“What did they say about Vassal?”
Treesa looked out over the dark bowl of the Sea of Refuge. “They’re angry, and although they won’t show it, they’re scared. Not Kyu, I think, and I can’t read Rich. I don’t know Liren’s standing after this. That complicates things.” Treesa paused and frowned. “But I’m not answering your question. Ali and I both admitted our role in making Vassal; we left you out of it. Council knows you can speak with both AIs, and you may have to choose what to say about your part in the initial decision. Perhaps it won’t come up. We tried to structure this as a speech, asked them to just listen. I don’t know what they’ll actually do.”
Rachel leaned forward, looking down at the drop below the wall. Rocks littered the sheer fall toward the sea, jagged teeth in the near-dark. “We need the AIs before you can leave. We need Vassal. And I don’t want either of them to die.”
“Die?”
“Have to start over. I want them to keep their memories. I want them to know us. Vassal identifies with us now, and . . . and I like Vassal. I was afraid it would sell me out down there, that it wouldn’t let me make my own choices. But it did. It helped me, even though it disagreed.”
Treesa nodded. Rachel could hear the older woman’s slow calm breathing. The damp night smelled of water and dead algae, burned by the flare’s radiation load.
“I’m scared,” Rachel said.
“It’s okay to be scared. You can use your fear to make you strong.” She twisted sideways and stood on the path, as agile as Rachel. “Stay out here and think about what to say. There is no one else to represent the Moon Born. Tomorrow, you will just have to trust yourself. We all support you, and Kyu does as well. That’s five against three.” She smiled down at Rachel, that same calm warm smile that Rachel wanted to find inside herself.
THE EARLY-MORNING AIR was cool and lightly misty, bracing her awake. Rachel walked, mumbling, trying out things to say. There was an outline in her head, but the detailed words came out different every time she tried. It was important to make Dylan’s death mean something. Make Andrew’s death mean something. Her mind shied away from that last bit—she had murdered Andrew. Like the Council murdered Jacob. Accidents. A seed of forgiveness lay in that thought. She had to make it matter.
She paced the trail, walked along the shallow wall she and Treesa had sat on the previous day, looked at Refuge and then at Clarke Base. She held the little tree her father had made so many years ago, turning it over and over in her hands. Her father had died of old age and shock, but he had also died because Council would not give him the tools to live. And now, somehow, it was up to her to secure the Moon Born’s future. Everything she’d done for years led to this moment, to this morning.
People stirred in the kitchen. She put the tree in her pocket and went in and helped Treesa get coffee and breakfast ready, grateful to have something to do. In five minutes they would hear from the ship. Rachel breathed in and out quietly, but her nerves didn’t calm. Gabriel paced. Ali sat in a corner brushing out her hair with long measured strokes. John and Treesa stood arm in arm, looking down at the Sea of Refuge, whispering together.
Treesa disengaged from John and came to put a hand on Rachel’s shoulder, then took her seat. They all settled around the kitchen table, Rachel in the middle, Gabriel and Ali on one side, John and Treesa on the other. They completely filled one side of the table.
John opened a data window. There would be a short delay between answers; the usual latency between John Glenn and Selene. The connection was completed from the other side.
High Council had chosen the main boardroom. Erika sat in the middle, Clare and Kyu on either side, Rich on Clare’s side. Erika and Clare and Rich looked clean, and each wore a simple uniform. Kyu was more subdued than normal; she wore a simple black skin suit with a black lace scarf tied around her wai
st. The only color in her outfit showed in deep brick-red ribbons plaited into the four braids she wore. Rachel looked twice; Liren was not there.
“Good morning,” Erika opened. “This meeting is designed to allow Rachel Vanowen to give testimony regarding the Moon Born’s place in the actions yesterday.” Erika looked directly at Rachel, a deep questioning look. “Rachel, can you represent the Children of Selene? Can you speak for them?”
Rachel swallowed. “I can.” She licked her lips. This was so formal.
Kyu smiled again, and it looked as if she was encouraging Rachel. Hard to tell in the midst of a meeting like this, but Rachel let a half smile sneak back, hoping Kyu would know it was directed at her. Rachel’s stomach felt hollow and fluttery, as if she were going to be sick. A hand stole over hers. Gabriel’s. She glanced sideways at him. He was looking straight forward, directly at Erika, but he had Rachel’s hand in his, and Ali’s on the other side. Treesa reached for Rachel’s other hand, and she and John were already holding hands. Rachel followed the chain down the table, back up. It was complete. Gabriel had started it. High Council could see it—a gesture of solidarity. Rachel relaxed for the first time that morning, drawing strength from the support of her friends.
She said, “Captain Erika—”
“A moment,” Erika said. “Ma Liren cannot be with us, but she wished to make a brief statement. Will you hear her?”
Rachel looked around, caught the nods. “Of course.” And braced herself.
The new window showed Ma Liren wearing the same neat uniform as the rest of High Council. Her hair was a coiled wave, meticulous and sharp. “This is for us all,” she said, “Council, Earth Born, Moon Born, High Council in particular. We say ‘disaffected,’ ” and she ran both hands through her carefully sculpted hair and left it a shambles. “ ‘Disaffected.’ Wonderful word, but we need something older. We used to say ‘crazy.’
“We can’t be blamed. We had a plan that made any previous human effort look like a preschool quantum mechanics game. We each and all let our bodies be frozen dead in sublime faith that it would all work. We woke to a hell of radiation in a dying ship. We did what we could, what we had to, but who can blame us if we went gibbering crazy?
