Lights of the Heart

by Nat Burns

  Clasping my hands together, I shuddered. For years, I had been uninvolved, in life and in love. The job was everything to me. After all, I had few familial distractions, a nonexistent social life and my busy mind craved educational stimulus. I had used all of that as a crutch to deny myself what I really wanted. Who I really wanted. Doing so was so much easier than trying to commit and perhaps being hurt again. No, fooled. That was what Amanda had done to me when I had been a busy resident. She had fooled me into believing that she cared when she really hadn’t.

  I moved restlessly back to the bed and stretched out on my back. I was coming up on my fortieth year. Could I risk that again? Could I risk throwing myself wholeheartedly into a relationship? It had been so long now. Would I be able to be a good partner? Was I too set in my ways to be accommodating to another person? Then there was the issue of coming out in a small town. Oh, I knew the residents there talked about weird, single Doctor Maddie. Lord only knew what they surmised about my bachelorette status. I’d place bets there weren’t many who thought it was because I was attracted to women instead of men. There were lots of local men, widowers or twenty-somethings, who would love a little private doctor time, but lesbians in Maypearl were few and far between. And actually, I was grateful for that. It was a good excuse.

  I rolled onto my stomach, cupping my chin in my folded hands in lieu of a pillow. God, I wanted Ella. I wanted to hold her body close, tuck my face into her neck, kiss the dimple that often appeared in her left cheek. I wanted to spend more time getting to know her, to learn all her quirks, her daily habits. I knew then, with horrible, beautiful clarity, that I had to have her in my life. Even if it meant changing all the comfortable honeycombs I had built in my life. Was I ready? I didn’t know. But I was willing to try.

  She was breathtaking when I met her outside our rooms that evening. She had on a sleeveless black one-piece jumpsuit with a lovely low neckline. It was mostly form fitting with a little give, and over this, she had a lightweight black-and-white tunic-type jacket with a handkerchief hem. Her shoes were black, strappy flat sandals. I thought she had showered as well, as had I, because she smelled soapy and fresh underneath her usual perfume. She smiled shyly at me, and my earlier bad mood vanished as I looked into her beautiful emerald eyes.

  I moved close and offered my arm. She nodded and took it.

  “You look beautiful,” I said quietly.

  “Why, thank you. You look pretty nice yourself,” she responded with a soft laugh.

  I looked down at my navy blazer, dark jeans and white button-down shirt. “Well, everything’s clean, at least,” I said, which set her off into a spate of giggles.

  “Should I be nervous?” she asked as we entered the elevator.

  I studied her, wondering at her fear as I selected the lobby level button. She was always so good with people. “No. Doctors are people just like anyone else. They may be more jaded, but don’t let that throw you. Just be your usual charming self.” I looked away from her so she wouldn’t see the emotion I was sure was reflected on my face.

  Surprising me, Ella took my hand and interlaced her fingers with mine. “Thanks, Doc,” she whispered.

  We rode the rest of the way in silence. She let my hand go as the doors opened, and we stepped into a mass of conference attendees who were crowded at the lobby bar having predinner drinks. My hand tingled pleasurably for a very long time.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Ella

  Dinner was in one of the huge ballrooms off the north end of the main floor, and I was glad to see it. Several drinks on an empty stomach weren’t doing old Ella any favors. We’d spent the past hour working the crowd of more than two hundred physicians and their wives or husbands that filled the bar just off the lobby. I was talked out, and I knew without a doubt that I would remember none of their names. They were a mass of exhausted faces and smiling mouths filled with perfect teeth.

  “You sighed,” Maddie said, coming closer. “Is anything wrong?”

  “Nope. It just seems…late.”

  “Shoot. The party is just getting started, honey child,” Maddie responded, humor lightening her voice.

  I turned in surprise. It wasn’t like Maddie to…have fun. I smiled at her, happy to see her loosening up and relaxing. “How much have you had to drink?” I asked.

  She looked at me, brown eyes dancing merrily. “I matched you drink for drink, my dear.”

  “Uh-oh. We’re in trouble, then,” I joked.

  “Yep. And I’d like to add that I can drink you under the table any day,” she responded.

  I nodded. I wasn’t going to argue that point.

  “Well, there you two are,” Dixie exclaimed as she approached us. “I totally missed y’all at the mixer.”

  That hadn’t been an accident on my part, but politeness garnered a response. “I can’t begin to tell you how many people we spoke to. There’s just not enough hours in the day,” I said, waving my hand helplessly.

  I could feel Maddie tensing next to me, and I wondered again at the animosity she harbored toward Dixie.

  “Actually, my daddy sent me over. He wants y’all to sit at our table. Come on with me, and we’ll get you settled.” She turned and looked back over her shoulder expectantly. I couldn’t help but notice how her floral dress hugged her hips and flared out over her outer thighs.

  As we followed her, Maddie surprised me yet again by taking my upper arm in her warm hand and pulling our bodies close together as we made our way to the table. Once there, Dixie indicated a chair to my left. “You can sit here next to me, Ella. We can catch up on our girl talk.”

  Maddie took the chair to my right, and we seated ourselves as all the tables filled around us.

  I had met Wilson Odelia, Senior Director of Education Operations at Furth College, at the mixer. He was a tall, gawky man, reminding me much of the actor Jimmy Stewart. His voice was soft and heavily laden with a Southern drawl. I had enjoyed listening to him. He sat on the other side of Dixie, and I was relieved. Perhaps his presence would tone down her overt advances to me. They made me uncomfortable and completely confused me. If I’d never met Maddie, I might have enjoyed it. Now, my dealings with Dixie made me feel as though I trod on uneven ground.

  Dixie’s mother was seated at the table, as well. Her name was Annagrace Price Odelia, and that was exactly how she had introduced herself. She was a battened-down Southern Belle, bristling over with fake good cheer and politeness. The rest of the handful of diners at our table I’d met in passing, and I smiled and nodded in greeting. Maddie seemed to know the young man to her right very well, and they immediately began talking earnestly about cardiac medications.

  “Did you have a good rest?” Dixie asked. The server approached with a pitcher of tea. At our nods, he filled our glasses.

  “I did. I took a nice long, hot shower and looked over the town information. Dothan is a nice city, larger than I expected. There’s a lot to do here.”

  She nodded and shifted so she was facing me. “Maybe sometime when you’re not working, you’d want to come back. You can stay at my place. I have a little bungalow over on Mimosa. I can show you all around. We have one good bar, if you know what I mean, and they do country dancing. It’s fun.”

  I studied my hands. Was that something I wanted to do? At one point in my life, I would have said absolutely. I longed for those days again but would not trade my new feelings toward Maddie for them. Now, I needed to dodge the invitation politely. “That would be nice. I will certainly give it some thought. Thank you for the offer.”

  She pursed her lips and shrugged. “A gal’s gotta try,” she said. “The offer stands, though,” she added with a deep sigh.

  A server brought salad and bread, distracting her briefly.

  “You know, I’m going through a bit of a strange time, right now,” I said, in an effort to explain.

  She shrugged again. “It’s okay. Plenty of time.” She took up a forkful of salad.

  I felt someone watching me
and turned to find that it was Maddie. “Tom was just telling me that heart disease is caused as much by not eating the right vegetable fats as eating the wrong ones.” She was studying me to see how I would respond. Was she testing my intelligence? An odd concept, but I felt I was up to the challenge.

  I nodded. “I read a study that said the essential fatty acids we need are best acquired from nuts and plant oils. People think a low-fat diet, or no-fat diet, for that matter, will help them prevent heart disease—”

  “When actually they are hurting their health,” she finished for me.

  “Exactly.”

  We fell silent as we enjoyed our first course. People conversed all around us, but I couldn’t, or perhaps wouldn’t, follow their conversations. I was feeling Maddie’s energy. At work, we had very little contact and even less closeness for prolonged periods of time. I found myself sensing her with every part of my being and thoroughly relishing it. I toyed with my salad, unwilling to eat and move on to a new sense sensation.

  “Ella.”

  I turned to Maddie. “Yes?”

  “Are you happy working with us?”

  Why was she asking me that? “You’re not firing me, are you?”

  She sighed and folded her hands together on the table. “No. I have no reason to do that. You’re a good fit. Sandy sings your praises all the time.”

  “And you feel the same?”

  Her brown eyes lifted to me, and I saw wonderful things there. Things that made my toes curl and new hope kindle in my heart. Maybe she did see me. Maybe she did have feelings for me. “I am very glad you are there, Ella. Very glad.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Maddie

  Dinner was over at last. I’d been distracted and certainly a worse conversationalist than usual. Feeling Ella at my side kept pulling me into erotic imaginings. It was very hard to talk shop with my contemporaries when all I could think about was ravishing the beautiful, enchanting woman next to me. It was like some confining gate had been opened earlier when I was in my room. I had realized that I could no longer deny the chemistry between us. Now, that chemistry was taking me over.

  The dinner had one advantage, however, because Dixie had been unable to spend too much quality time with my Ella, even though they were seated next to one another. Dixie’s father had demanded Dixie’s time. Tom Weathers, next to me, had monopolized a lot of my time talking about new research as Ella sat quietly, as if lost in her own thoughts.

  “So, what would you like to do now?” I asked Ella as we rose to leave the dining room.

  “Hmm. Do you need to be somewhere?”

  “No, not really. I see these people every year, and not much changes.”

  She studied me with an intense blue-green gaze. “They bore you, don’t they?” she whispered.

  Wilson Odelia approached, Dixie at his heels. His wife stood behind them to one side, speaking desultorily with another Southern matron. “So, Maddie, you’re settled in, then? We have you scheduled for ten, then Quillen will go next and Anderson after lunch. It’s stacked up to be quite a program. We’re excited.”

  I could see how excited he really was by the dull cast in his eyes.

  “That sounds good, Wilson. Is the room on the program?”

  “It is. You’ll be speaking in suite one hundred two. We expect a good-sized turnout.”

  I smiled. “I hope not too many, or my shyness might kick in.”

  Wilson waved a hand, brushing my words aside. “Never known you to choke up yet,” he said. “Once you start talking about something you’re passionate about, I think the rest of us just plumb disappear.”

  I laughed and winked at Ella. “That’s true. Medicine does seem to be a consuming passion of mine.”

  Wilson shook his head as Dixie studied me, eyes narrowed. “I wish I enjoyed my passion as much as you. Dealing with student issues has absolutely lost all its charm,” he admitted.

  I laid a palm on his shoulder for a moment, in camaraderie. “Sometimes it becomes real hard to see the wheat beyond the chaff,” I told him. I knew a bit of his story from previous discussions, and I felt badly that his career wasn’t living up to his dreams. Especially when he had worked so very hard to get where he was.

  “Now, Daddy,” Dixie said nervously, clasping his arm. “You know you don’t mean that. Why, just last week you were raving about the Camellia Society and the money they raised for the blood drive bus.”

  Wilson patted her hand. “Yes, Dixie, they’re good kids, I know. I just get tired sometimes, and tomorrow’s gonna be a very busy, hectic day.” He turned and extended his hand. “Ella, it’s been a real pleasure getting to know you, my dear. I’m sure Maddie will treat you right.”

  Ella took the hand and enclosed it in both of hers. “I believe she will continue to do so, sir. And I’ll be sure and wave at you in passing tomorrow as you race by.”

  They both laughed, and Dixie smiled widely, dimpling her cheek. “I told you she was just the sweetest thing, didn’t I, Daddy?”

  “Truer words were never spoken, dear Dixie. Now, let’s go see what your mama is up to.”

  They wandered off toward Annagrace, and I could see the relief on her pinched face. I glanced toward Ella. I couldn’t imagine her being so peeved at me, but then, how well did I know her, really? I needed to remedy that.

  “Hey, Ella. Want to go have another drink and visit a while?”

  She smiled and tilted her head to one side. “Absolutely. It feels good to break routine, doesn’t it?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, it’s a big step for me, but this year, I feel like I have a very good reason to do everything differently.”

  I could see her mulling this and prayed that she would understand my meaning and come to the right realization. I wanted her to know how I felt about her, but how could I say the words when I wasn’t sure I knew them anymore?

  “I think there’s a lounge on the fourth floor. What say we check it out?” I suggested.

  “That’s a lovely idea, Maddie. Let’s go.”

  We piled onto the elevator with acquaintances and strangers, making polite conversation with them until we got off on the fourth floor.

  The lounge was small, very cozy, with dim lighting and soft music playing. Several tables were filled with loudly conversing people, but I spied a back corner that was almost deserted. “Let’s go back there,” I told her, pointing to the table.

  Once we were seated and our drinks ordered, I just sat a moment enjoying her beauty. Slanting light fell across her face, making her eyes glisten as they moved.

  “Ella, I…I want to get to know all about you. Everything about you.”

  She grinned. “Everything? That’s a tall order.”

  “Maybe. Maybe, but aren’t…” I paused and leaned forward, my forearms on the table. “Maybe we’re meant to connect with one another.”

  She raised her eyebrows. “You mean us, or people in general?”

  I squirmed in frustration. I wasn’t good at this dance of seduction. “Well, all people, obviously, but I meant us, you and me, right now.” I waited anxiously for her response.

  “I’d like that. For you to know everything about me. And I want to know you the same way,” she said, her cheek dimpling in a deep smile.

  Our drinks arrived, and I took a large gulp of scotch to fortify myself. “Okay, I’ll start. I’m not very good at sharing. You know, I…well, I seem to be more comfortable with books than people, I guess.” I dropped my eyes, embarrassed by the confession.

  “I do okay with people, as I think my life has been very different from yours, but I have to admit that I have a real jones for reading. I read every single evening. Actually, any chance I get.”

  That was interesting. “Fiction or nonfiction?” I asked.

  She chuckled. “Both. I’m a sucker for the written word. My sister Jess says I will read cereal boxes.”

  I laughed. How many times had my father said that to me? “I’m the same way. I read a lot of medical journ
als, but I just love a medical thriller. Have you heard of Robin Cook? He’s a retired doctor from Harvard who writes—”

  “Oh gosh, yes!” she exclaimed. “Which is your favorite? I loved…Well, did you read Fever? It’s one of his older ones, but I thought he did a great job with that one. I thought the girl with leukemia seemed a little unrealistic, but the tension in the families is very well done.”

  I had to laugh. What were the chances that Ella would be a Cook fan? “Yes, loved that one. I think I’ve read them all. I just picked up Death Benefit but haven’t read it yet. I hear it’s good. I want to read that one before I read Nano. It’s like a series. Have you read them?”

  Ella was studying me, her eyes very tender. Fear quaked through me. Would she be the one? Would she be the one who would understand my weirdness and accept it? Even love it? Could she love and appreciate the real me? Could she understand that a good book was comfortable for me, much more so than traveling the minefield of personal relationships?

  “I haven’t read those two yet though I have them at home,” she whispered, gaze filled with wonder. “You’ll have to read them first and tell me how you liked them.”

  I dropped my gaze, embarrassed. “I will.” Her words spoke of a future, and I reveled in that.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Ella

  “Do you have brothers and sisters, Maddie? I just realized I haven’t asked you that.”

  It was late, almost midnight, but I couldn’t break the solid connection we had forged during the evening. We had so much in common; it was like we’d been crafted for one another. We were a perfect pairing, and I was so very sad that we hadn’t met before. So many years had been wasted with others and alone.

  She twirled the rocks glass in front of her. She was nursing the last finger of amber scotch, and I wondered if she was as loath to break our connection as I was. How could we say goodnight now? I was so filled with her, as I hoped she was with me. “No. I’m an only child. My mother was RH negative.”