Lights of the Heart

by Nat Burns

  “Amor, amor,” she said, patting my back impatiently.

  I reared back and looked up at her, realizing that she had gone away. She was looking out the window, her face lit with childish interest. The turn of her head followed a passing car, and I knew she had forgotten that I was there. I slid backward and reached for my cane so I could rise. I looked at Tia. She was watching me with a huge amazed smile on her face.

  “You spoke. I am so very glad for you, honey. So very glad.”

  “Me too,” I said, and again, the words were unintelligible. Sudden anger seared through me, and my head began to throb. I moaned and held my head.

  “Oh, honey. You’ve pushed yourself too much,” Tia said rushing to my side. “We need to get you home and down for a nap.”

  I nodded and allowed her to lead me to the door. My head was hurting so badly that I felt blind.

  “Goodbye, Esperida, we will see you soon,” she called back to my mother as we stepped into the hall.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Ella

  “She spoke today,” Florida said as she poured me a glass of iced tea. “And made sense.”

  “Really?” My heart soared. “What did she say?”

  Florida sat in the chair across the table from me. “She was speaking to her mother, and it was in Spanish. Just a few words. Later, when she tried to talk again, in English, it was messed up again.”

  She pulled open a bag of cookies and passed them to me. I took one. Oatmeal raisin. Yum. “I read an article about that once. That patients with aphasia can often speak another language. One woman came out of a brain injury speaking with a British accent, and she was a French Canadian.”

  “Wow.” Florida was suitably impressed. “Do you think that’s what’s happening to her?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know, but we might tell Dr Penn about it, or at the very least Wendy. Can I have another?” I indicated the cookies.

  “Of course,” she replied, shoving the bag back toward me.

  “How’s her moodiness been?”

  Florida sighed and scrubbed at her face with both hands. “Lord, Ella, she gets angry, she gets teary-eyed, then decides life isn’t worth living. Every single day it’s something new.”

  “Well, at least there’s never a dull moment,” I said, shrugging.

  “Hardy har,” she responded. “Are you still coming to stay next week? I’ll only be gone two nights.”

  “Absolutely. I’m glad you’ll be taking a few days off. We’ll just hang out together. We’ll be fine.”

  “I know, I know. I’m just a worrywart.”

  “It’ll do you a world of good to get away for a few days. And see that new grandbaby.” I smiled. “By the way, I expect lots of photos, I hope you know.”

  We heard Maddie’s cane in the hallway.

  “Well, hello, sleepyhead,” I said when she appeared. Her hair was mussed, and I decided I liked this new shorter look on her. She was still a little too thin, though. She smiled widely at me and opened her tablet as she sank into a chair. “Hi Ella,” she typed into the text-to-speech app.

  “Your auntie was telling me what a good day you had. Congratulations,” I said.

  She signed ‘thank you’ in American Sign Language.

  “Oh, Lordy, here you two go again,” Florida said, rolling her eyes.

  I laughed. Who knew that my ASL lessons in Virginia at my sister’s church would come in so handy? Maddie didn’t remember everything I’d taught her, but the rudimentary basics along with her tablet were plenty sufficient for us to communicate well.

  “How day?” Maddie signed.

  “It was good. We only saw about six patients all day, though. You’d think there would be a lot of flu going around this time of year, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.” I shrugged and spread my hands.

  She regarded me thoughtfully, head tilted to one side. Then she bent over her tablet. “Sometimes flu hits in waves. Can happen later in November.”

  I was taken aback. Wow, girl knew her stuff. “Yeah, yeah, that’s true.”

  “So, we’re having Thanksgiving dinner at our house this year. Can you make it?” Florida asked.

  “Oh, yeah, sure. Would love that,” I said, surprised to be invited. I realized by the mounting joy filling me, that being with Maddie on the holiday, or any day, was exactly where I wanted to be. “Thank you for inviting me!”

  “You’re family, Ella,” Florida said. “Glad you can come, ’cause we’ll have plenty. I do like to cook. Now, if you two will excuse me, I’ve got a TV show to catch up with.” She rose and left the kitchen.

  “Turkey,” Maddie typed. “Tia says I love it. I guess I’ll find out.”

  I laughed. “I guess you will.”

  “My mother doesn’t know me all the time,” she typed.

  “I know, and I’m sorry about that. Alzheimer’s is a horrible disease. It takes so many away from their loved ones.”

  “Like a brain injury?” her tablet asked.

  I eyed her closely. Did she remember me? She looked back at me, her eyes and face expressionless. I saw no recognition.

  “Yes, like a brain injury,” I replied.

  “It was like my mother knew I was hurt,” she typed. “But she knew me, for just a minute.”

  I nodded. “I know that meant a lot to you.”

  “Do you know my life?” she typed.

  I sat back in my chair and thought about that. “Well, I know you lived in Puerto Rico and New York. And that a friend had a cat like mine, a Maine Coon—”

  “Carla,” she typed.

  My eyes widened. “You remember that?”

  She grimaced and shrugged. “I guess so. What about love?”

  I quaked at this new direction. I took a deep breath to fortify myself. “You had a girlfriend in medical school, but I don’t remember her name.”

  She stroked her chin as though in deep thought. Finally, she shook her head. “I thought I might be lesbian,” she typed.

  I nodded. “Yes, we both are. That’s—that’s why we became close.”

  “You worked for me too.” She watched me expectantly.

  “Yes, yes, I did. I never told anyone about our sexual preferences, though. We kept that to ourselves.”

  “That a good thing?” She frowned.

  “Well, I don’t know about that.” I laughed shortly. “But it’s best for the moment, I suppose.”

  I stood abruptly, hoping to change the subject. “I’m gonna have more tea, you want some?”

  I watched her until she nodded. She was studying me with an oddly speculative glance.

  “What? Do I have cookie crumbs on my face?”

  She shook her head.

  I prepared our glasses of tea and resumed my seat.

  “So, what are you thinking for next weekend? I thought maybe a list of movies and a bunch of popcorn.”

  She sucked on the straw of her adult sippy cup. “Can’t wait,” she typed. “Can we do horror?”

  “Only if you’ll let me put nutritional yeast on the popcorn instead of butter.” I eyed her challengingly.

  “Must love you lots. Agree,” she typed.

  If only that were so. While I was eternally grateful for the friendship we had developed, I so wished it could be more. But that was okay. Being with Maddie, even this new and different Maddie, was okay.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  Maddie

  Wind was sweeping my long hair away from my face. I closed my eyes to enjoy the sensation. I also enjoyed the sensation of my thigh muscles contracting regularly as I…skated. I was laughing, talking and holding the hand of someone I dearly loved. We danced around one another, spinning and ducking under one another’s arms. I had never been happier and knew that I had to make it last. An elderly woman’s face appeared—Esther, Ethel.

  I had a smile on my face as I almost woke to full awareness. I kept seeing laughing green eyes, sparkling with joy. They seemed somehow familiar, but I just couldn’t rememb
er. I suddenly felt as though I was submerged in water, floating on my back. Hands were holding me up as voices whispered to me. They were whispering a timeline, beginning with my birth back in nineteen seventy-seven and up until the time of my accident. The odd thing was that it stopped at that point.

  Though the timeline stopped, it still went farther than I had ever gone before, taking me right up until the explosion. I saw myself as a physician, with my own practice. I saw the faces of my patients, some of whom still visited me today, after I’d been hurt. Until this moment, I hadn’t really been able to place them on my own, without help. Now I saw our past interactions and realized how they had been my friends as well as my patients. One of the benefits of a small town. And they still were, at least on their part. I resolved to treat them better in the future. I saw Sandy and Ella, how the three of us were a well-oiled team working together, seeing dozens of patients a day. I saw myself in a car, my car, with Ella. But where were we going?

  I stirred restlessly, frustrated at hitting a newly placed brick wall. I wasn’t in the car with Ella when it exploded. This had to be another time. I slammed into wakefulness, panting as though I’d run a long race. I banged my weak left fist onto the bed and then spread my fingers wide, flexing them. I grasped the blanket in frustration, knowing that my rage and frustration was wasted emotion. I was finally learning to get some control of the anger, and I waited, seeing if I would have one of my throbbing headaches. I didn’t. I actually felt good, thinking very clearly for once.

  I sat up and stretched my arms and back. I rose and made the bed, and then, after fetching my cane, started my morning routine. Tia was surprised when I appeared in the kitchen.

  “Look at you, Miss Early Bird. You must have slept well.”

  I nodded and gave her a thumbs-up as I seated myself.

  “Well, I thought we’d have oatmeal this morning, since it’s almost winter and all,” she said, busy at the stove.

  I chuckled and took my medications with orange juice. I reached for my tablet.

  “Packed yet?” I asked her.

  “Packed and unpacked twice. And I’ve finally made a decision.” She stood in front of the stove, hands working a dishtowel. “I am only taking enough clothes for two days. The rest of the bag will be for the presents. That’s it. One bag.”

  I frowned. I pressed an icon. “Driving.”

  She grimaced. “I know, but I just don’t want the aggravation.”

  I snickered and pointed to the stove where the oatmeal was making strange distress sounds and producing loads of steam.

  She turned and snatched the pan to an inactive burner. “Sheesh! I don’t think it burned, so we’re okay.” She began dishing up oatmeal for each of us.

  “I dreamed,” I typed. “There was big wind and I was in love.”

  Tia stilled and placed the half-full bowl carefully on the counter. “Big wind? What kind of big wind?” Her back was still to me so I couldn’t see her face.

  I knocked on the table so she would look at me. She turned, and I studied her. Was she hiding something else, something like the deaths of the Horten family and the firefighter? I narrowed my eyes to let her know I was suspicious.

  “Oh, stop looking at me like that. I can’t imagine what the wind is about, is all. What does it matter? A dream is a dream,” she said, turning back to the stove.

  I added butter and brown sugar to my oatmeal when she set the bowl in front of me. “The wind was skating, I think,” I typed. “Don’t know who I was in love with.”

  She seated herself and added butter and milk to her bowl. “Skating sounds like fun. Did you know there’s a roller rink in Mobile, just off Central? Is that where you were in your dream?”

  I shook my head in the negative. “This one had cartoons.”

  She paused, spoon halfway to her lips. “Cartoons? I’ve never heard of a skating rink with cartoons.”

  I shrugged and dug in. We were mostly silent for the rest of the meal, each lost in our own thoughts. I knew Tia was thinking about her upcoming trip, and I was trying to decide which horror movies to reserve on my Netflix list. I helped her load the dishwasher, and then I went to my room to get ready for therapy.

  Tia often went to get groceries when she dropped me off for therapy. Sometimes she went to the library to return or get books. She was a big reader. I hadn’t remembered that, so it was almost like I was getting to know Tia all over again.

  Wendy was in a good mood. We spent a good bit of time talking today. I told her about the visit with my mother, about the talking.

  “Wow, that’s wonderful!” she said, straightening her shirt collar. “Se habla español?”

  “Sí, hablo español. Es lo que yo he nacido para—” I stopped, realizing that I was talking again. Without my machine.

  “Ta bueno!” she exclaimed, clapping her hands.

  I grinned but realized I had a small problem. I had forgotten most of my Spanish. Whether from disuse or the TBI, I wasn’t sure, but most of it was gone.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Ella

  “I’ll be back tomorrow to feed you. Maybe I’ll bring Maddie to see you. Would you like that? I bet you’ve been missing her,” I told Julio as I zipped my bag.

  I looked toward the bed and remembered how Julio had settled on Maddie’s hip that final night we were together. “You don’t have anyone to claw these days,” I added.

  My eyes sped toward the bathroom mirror. The lipstick heart I had drawn for Maddie was still there. I couldn’t bear to wipe it away.

  I sat on the bed and wrapped my arms about myself. “I had such plans for us, Julio. I mean, I was going to try to cook dinner for us every night. I was going to take her to Jess’s for the anniversary party. I really wanted her to meet Jess and…and Barbie. And Westie, oh, she would have loved Westie and Westie her.” Julio jumped on the bed and butted me with his head.

  Tears swelled and fell onto my folded hands. They were hot, and I massaged the moisture into my skin with my thumbs until it disappeared. I had to be strong. I had to be Maddie’s friend and help her through this time of healing. She had a lot of friends that were helping her, but I was the one who knew her best.

  I stood and smoothed down my shirt. “Okay, I’m gonna leave the timer on so you can have three hours of TV each evening. No more than that. Those shows will rot your brain,” I told him as I leaned across the bed to kiss his head. “Be a good boy.”

  I carried my overnight bag to the front and grabbed my pocketbook. I took one final look around and stepped out into the bright fall sunshine.

  Florida opened the door when I got to her house. “Hey girl. What are you doing here so early?”

  “Ah, Dr McLean had a dentist appointment. I thought I’d let you get an earlier start.”

  “Child, you are so sweet.” She drew me into a big, comfy hug, and I relaxed into it, enjoying it fully. “Let’s go in and I’ll get my things.”

  “Where’s Maddie?” I asked, looking around the living room.

  “Down at the coffee shop. Getting her daily walking therapy and caffeine boost.”

  “Ah yes, forgot about that. Maybe I’ll walk down and walk her home. Do you need any help loading the car?”

  “Oh no, I just have the one bag. If you can go get her, I’ll get myself ready, and I’ll say goodbye to her when y’all get back.” She started to turn away and then returned, fishing keys from her pocket. “Maddie has her own set, but I’d feel better if you took my spare house keys. Just so I won’t worry.”

  I took the keys from her and then held her by the shoulders and looked her in the eye. “Please. I got this. You go have a great time with your other family. We’ll be fine, okay?”

  She nodded and dropped her eyes. “I should tell you…she’s been dreaming.”

  “About?”

  “I think memory stuff, like skating and love. I don’t know if she’s just dreaming or remembering. I don’t know how these will affect her. I guess that’s why I’m worrie
d.”

  I fell into thought. Could she be remembering our trip to Dothan? “I…I think it’s probably a good thing, but I’ll be on extra alert, just in case, okay?”

  Florida nodded and patted my hands. “Go. Fetch her home, and I’ll go get ready.”

  As I walked the half-dozen blocks to the Java Stokes, I breathed in the fragrant bouquet of smells swirling around me. One thing about southern Alabama, when almost everywhere else in the country north of us was in a frigid stasis, we were getting our second wave of flowering growth. A temperature in the midseventies seemed to be perfect to nudge out a new round of blooming color. An ocean breeze wafted across me, and I inhaled the oxygen-saturated air. I hummed to myself as I walked along, thinking how great it would be if she really was remembering something. Maybe we could talk this weekend, and I could get some idea what was going on in her dreams.

  I rounded the corner, and the smell of fresh roasted coffee assailed me. Oh yeah, I was definitely going to grab a coffee for the walk home. I reached for the door handle, and that was when I saw them. They were sitting at a table in the corner, in a mostly deserted coffee shop. I wasn’t sure who the woman was, but she wore a green apron over her clothing, so I assumed she worked there. And she was touching my Maddie.

  They were sitting side by side, and I had a perfect vantage point from my stance outside the front doors. The woman had one hand on Maddie’s cheek, caressing it. They were smiling tenderly at one another, and sorrow swamped me. Had Maddie found a new love? Was this who she was dreaming about? I bit my bottom lip to keep from crying—or crying out. I stood there a long time, too long, trying to deal with what I was seeing. Finally, the woman stood and moved back to the counter to speak with the young couple seated on the other side of the room. I observed as Maddie watched her walk away. What was she thinking about this woman?

  I took a deep breath and gritted my teeth. Once inside, I walked straight to Maddie with a big smile.

  “Ella!” she signed and rose to hug me. She pulled the woman’s chair back and pushed me into it. “Why here?” she signed.