Possess

by Laura Marie Altom

  “Good night.” I used to be like Carol. Reluctant to talk about my social life—or lack thereof. But then I’d met Ella and everything changed. My plan to rescue her felt solid. It needed subtle tweaking, but with luck, I could pull it off. I had to. This was one of those cases when failure wasn’t an option.

  20

  Ella

  Darkness crept closer.

  It tiptoed deeper into my consciousness with every syringe’s plunge.

  First, I’d lost my edge, my drive to escape. Then, my anger floated away, evaporating like morning fog being burned off by the sun.

  When Nurse Alice ushered me from the dining room to the day lounge that was reserved for patient/family visits, I wasn’t even sure what meal I’d just eaten. As for what day it was? That might as well have been calculus.

  We rounded the corner easily enough, but then I saw the couple seated on the love seat—the one that had its back to the window—and I froze. The woman blew her nose into a pink Kleenex and the man leafed through Family Circle while jiggling his right leg. They were my parents, but it brought me no joy to see them. Somehow I knew that even if I were capable of summoning any emotion other than gray, this wasn’t a happy reunion.

  They rose to hug me, each in turn, with Mom first to extend her arms toward me.

  “My angel,” she said.

  Nurse Alice patted my shoulder. “Y’all have a real nice visit. I’ll be at my station if you need anything.”

  “Thank you,” my father said. But he wasn’t my father—not really. When a person is betrayed like I was, how does the person get over that? How do I get over that?

  While Mom at first hovered as if I were in danger of imminent collapse, she eventually pitched in to help get me seated. Together, my parents performed a crab shuffle, until I was safely ensconced in the shadowy recesses of an extra-deep wing chair. I would have preferred to bask in the sun, but I couldn’t find it.

  Along with Liam, the sunshine seemed to have gone away.

  I touched my hand to my throat. “Do you, um, know what happened to the sun?”

  Mom’s eyes welled. “What have they done to you?”

  My father crossed his legs, then uncrossed them.

  Mom left the love seat to crouch alongside me, stabilizing herself by planting her hand on my knee. “Would you be happier if we took you home with us?”

  “Do you have sun?”

  “Of course we do.” She smoothed my hair and I closed my eyes, leaning into her touch. I pretended Liam was stroking not just my hair, but all of me. But then I opened my eyes to see her again and realized how inappropriate that was—imagining her in any way associated with my Liam. Where was he now? How long had it been since I’d last seen him and he’d last seen me? “Lots and lots of sun. And a nice heated pool.” Her smile journeyed far, far away. “When you were a girl, we used to call you our little mermaid. You were just a baby when the movie came out, but when we bought the tape for our VCR, you loved it. You’d sing and dance—especially in the pool. You put on quite a show.”

  That girl trapped inside wanted to smile, but Nurse Alice’s medicine wouldn’t let her.

  “Your favorite birthday gift ever was an underwater explorer kit. It had flippers and a mask and snorkel—even a little plastic knife for fighting off sharks. Oh—and there were about two dozen plastic gold coins that you used to have me toss into the pool for you to gather in one of those little plastic strawberry baskets. I suppose they haven’t made them in years, but you used to use them for all sorts of fun. Barbie beds, and for holding your treasures—cracked robin’s eggs and pretty stones. Movie tickets and four-leaf clovers. You were always a little collector…”

  Was I? How was I supposed to know?

  Dad cleared his throat. “Your mom’s right. I think you should come home with us. We’ll have movie marathons and eat all of your favorite foods. It’ll be fun. Just like old times.”

  Something about the sun-dappled shade of his tone unearthed the queerest yearning to climb onto his lap for a cuddle. In addition to apparently having been a mermaid, had I also been a daddy’s girl?

  When the fog in my mind swirled, I touched my forehead. I knew I hated these people—not specifically why, but I knew that they deserved the angry red ball expanding in my chest.

  “Why do I hate you?” I blurted. “The medicine they give me…It makes everything cloudy. My memories…like spiders…” I wriggled my fingers. “They skitter away.”

  Mom ducked behind her wad of pink tissues, but Dad said, “Honey, as you’ve discussed with the doctor, things in your past—well, they were ugly. You blamed us, but that’s not fair. All we’ve ever wanted is the best for you.” He swallowed hard. “When you married Blaine, your mom and I were so happy. He’s such a good man. Once you work through whatever demons are inside you, telling you he’s the one who hurt you, when really, it was a stranger—just a random burglary gone horribly wrong—”

  The screaming started again, only this time, I couldn’t stop.

  Nurse Alice came to make everything better.

  Even the doctor rushed in to assure Frank and Mitzi what amazing progress I’d made.

  Liar! I wanted to scream.

  Maybe I even did, but was too tired to hear my own voice?

  It was all so complicated when really, all I wanted to do was curl up on my nice, white bed in my nice, white room and take a nice nap.

  —

  I woke to sunshine that transformed my whitewashed room into the sort of shimmering, golden palace where angels might reside. As best as I could remember, when I first got here, most everything outside had been brown, but now, cheery daffodils ringed the courtyard fountain.

  I knew I was crazy.

  I knew there were giant parts of myself I’d forgotten.

  One thing—person—I’d never forget was Liam. Only, that wasn’t quite true, was it?

  I knew I loved him. Couldn’t live without him. But how did he taste? Smell? How did I feel when he wrapped his arms around me late at night? I thought I’d felt safe, but how could I be sure?

  By that afternoon, clouds had rolled in.

  Nurse Alice took me to my appointment with Dr. Carthage, only when I entered the room, I looked up to see the doctor and my husband.

  I turned right back around, but the doctor stood, gently nudging me right back around to urge me down into my usual chair.

  “You look beautiful,” Blaine said.

  “Isn’t this nice?” the doctor asked. “I thought it might be helpful for us all to have a friendly visit. What do you think, Ella? Are you happy to see your husband?”

  I picked at the cuticle on my right thumb. When that bored me, I scraped the pink polish off my thumbnail.

  “Ella? Nurse Alice told me that for the first time since Blaine has been allowed to visit, you didn’t protest when he joined you on your favorite sofa. Is that true?”

  Finished with my thumb, I moved on to scraping the polish from my index finger. Even though I hated the color, someone kept painting them, but I couldn’t remember who.

  “Ella?” Blaine prompted. “Would you like me to share with the doctor how we spent that afternoon poring over our wedding album?”

  I froze. “I didn’t scream then and I’m not screaming now, because Ella’s gone, and Julie’s not scared of Blaine.”

  The doctor asked, “Where did Ella go?”

  “Duh—she’s with Liam—she might even have his baby.”

  “This is outrageous,” Blaine said under his breath. “She clearly needs more medication.”

  “Interesting.” The doctor held up his hands, gesturing for Blaine to let me speak. “Would you mind telling me more about Julie? Who she is, and why she isn’t afraid?”

  Scrape, scrape, scrape. My nail polish floated to the navy carpet in satisfying pink flakes. “Julie escaped Blaine once and she’ll do it again. Blaine doesn’t scare her because she’s smarter than him.”

  Scratch, scratch, scratch went the doc
tor’s pen across his yellow legal pad. “How so?”

  “In every way.”

  Blaine cleared his throat. “I’m not comfortable with this conversation.”

  Like a cheetah, I sprung from my chair and wrapped my fingers around Blaine’s neck. “Ella wasn’t comfortable with the way you used your knife.”

  —

  I would say I was lost, but to be lost, didn’t a person need to first know where she was supposed to have been going? Or, at the very least, know where she’s been? Since I knew neither of those all-important morsels, where did that leave me?

  I suppose my best explanation would be that I spent my endless days floating and my even longer nights drowning in deep, dreamless sleep.

  I didn’t know what day it was or how long it had been since I’d seen anyone besides nurses and my parents, and of course, Blaine. Always, Blaine. When he looked at me, I felt as if now he was the big, hunkered-down cat and I was his prey. Since I’d pounced on him in Dr. Carthage’s office, my medication must have been doubled, as I no longer had the strength to even bat my paws. Blaine talked a lot—mostly about how nice our lives would be when he brought me home. But I didn’t want to go.

  Like a mouse stored in a different cage than the snake that would one day eat me, I innately knew that as long as I remained under Dr. Carthage’s protection, I was safe.

  As long as I ran interference for Ella, she was safe, too. And her sweet little baby. That made me smile.

  I walked down the hall barefoot, loving the plush carpet’s velvety kiss between my toes, then the sharp contrast of the cool wood floors when I zigzagged off the runner’s edge. It was a game I played in between meals to help pass time.

  If I won, I allowed myself to swipe something from the dining room. They kept close track of the silverware—especially the knives—but I could usually get away with a few extra rolls. Once, I’d even taken a juice glass that I broke, then used the shards to slice my sheets into a rope ladder. It sucked to be me when Nurse Alice caught me, when I’d bled all over my white bathroom floor and had to get three stitches. Nurse Alice had given me a mean face, which hurt. She’s a nice lady and I liked making her smile, but sometimes I got confused whether she had black hair or blond—maybe even red? Some days, I called everyone Nurse Alice. It was just easier that way.

  “Ella?”

  I froze, hoping when I looked up that I found one of the Nurse Alices or even Mom and Dad. The only person I didn’t want it to be was Blaine.

  “Ella, do you know who I am?”

  I looked up to see an angel. My angel. His green eyes mesmerized. His smile dazzled. My only happy times in the clinic were the few times when I dreamt of him. But what did it mean that I was now seeing him when my eyes weren’t even shut? His hair was all wrong, too. My Liam had long hair that played hide-and-seek with his eyes. “Liam?”

  His eyes got all big, then he looked over his shoulder. “Hey. How are you?”

  “You can’t be my Liam. You’re the man who brings me rolls.”

  “That’s right,” he said with an exaggerated nod as if I’d said something clever. “I do bring your rolls. But you know what else I can do?”

  “I really don’t,” I said. But then an idea struck, and my eyes widened. “Is it a secret? Can you help me find my Liam?”

  “Yes, so no matter what—don’t tell anyone we talked, okay?”

  I nodded.

  “Promise?”

  I nodded again, terribly flattered by this kind stranger’s trust. “Tell me quick—before the medicine makes me forget.”

  He checked yet again to make sure no one was watching.

  Cora poked her head out her door and stared, but I stuck my tongue out at her and she went away.

  “Okay, it’s like this,” he said. “I know your medicine’s messing with your mind, but you and me—back in California—used to love each other. Remember?”

  I shook my head. “I only love Liam.”

  His expression changed. Saddened somehow, as if he’d been watching one of the depressing movies Nurse Alice played on the community room’s TV.

  I asked, “Do you know Ella and Liam?”

  He looked confused, but then nodded. “I know them really well. We hang out back home.”

  “Mmm…” I smiled. “I’d like to go home.”

  “Yeah?”

  I nodded. “Could you take me?”

  Now, he nodded. “I’d love to. But remember when I asked if you could keep a secret?”

  “Uh-huh…”

  “If I come back at night while you’re sleeping, will you promise not to scream? And to remember I love you? And that more than anything in the whole world, I want to take you home?”

  “And keep me safe from Blaine?”

  He slowly exhaled, then pulled me into the nicest hug. “I’ll always keep you very safe.”

  “Mmm…” I melted against him. “I like being safe. That’s the way Ella feels when Liam holds her, but…” Eyes narrowed, I backed away, flattening myself against the cool wall. “Who are you?”

  21

  Liam

  I’d been patient too long, and tonight, that patience would pay off. It had to.

  After parking the beater Dodge Charger I’d bought for speed as opposed to looks in the clinic’s employee lot, I shrugged deeper into my wool coat. Fog distorted sound and light, compressing what used to be my boundless world into an amorphic chute leading to ruin. I’d always believed in risk, but calculated risk. Tonight’s plan had too many moving parts. At any point, I could land myself right back in a cell. But the payoff—rescuing the woman who’d unwittingly rescued me from myself—carried an indefinable worth.

  Each day Ella and I were trapped in this place, I felt as if she wasn’t the only one losing herself. Time had named me one of the decade’s Men to Watch, so what was I doing posing as a kitchen worker? How had Ella bewitched me to this degree? How did I explain the panic that took hold each time she didn’t even know who I was? What happened if she never again looked up at me and smiled, leaning in for a lingering glance, touch or kiss? How would I resume my life when I now recognized that without Ella, I wasn’t really living at all?

  Even though this was only my fifth night shift, I’d spoken with Ella enough during my daytime food cart visits to her floor that she’d grown accustomed to me. Or, I guess, that would be Julie. And not even the old Julie I’d once known back in Rose Springs, but a hybrid version who chilled me to my core.

  I didn’t know her story, but it didn’t take a rocket scientist to recognize that any semblance of the girl I’d loved was gone. To keep my own sanity, I had to believe that once Ella was off the meds, she’d be fine—even better, that she’d understand that at her most desperate hour, I’d been there. Yes, I’d failed her when Blaine first took her, but I was here now, and I prayed that would be enough.

  “You’re late.” While I clocked in, Yancy, the night cook, took a flask from the back pocket of his regulation white scrubs, then poured a few fingers of spirits into his plastic tumbler filled with iced tea. The move reminded me of something Willow might have done, and I smiled. He glanced up. “You got a problem with medicinal bourbon?”

  I held up my hands. “Not at all. Got any to spare?”

  Now, he was smiling before handing over his flask. “Be my guest.”

  “Thanks.” I downed a few gulps of liquid courage before loading trays onto my cart.

  The amount of food wasted in this place was obscene, but why should I care when that abuse would further my cause?

  During the day, I delivered meals to each floor’s dining room, always leaving a few wrapped in the service room’s fridge in case a patient might have missed a meal. Typically, they didn’t, which was what generated the waste. The same drill was followed for all three shifts of each day. During the night shift, however, since there were few empty trays to pick up, by the time I off-loaded my cart onto all of the lower floors, when I reached Ella’s floor my cart would be nice an
d empty. Being a conscientious employee, I would, of course, lower the canvas side of the slotted cart. After all, no one wanted to risk upsetting patients by allowing them to see half-eaten drumsticks or corncobs.

  The closer I got to Ella’s floor, the more my heart pounded.

  Sweat beaded on my forehead.

  I snatched a cloth napkin from a tray to wipe it.

  The last thing I wanted was for any of the nursing staff to think I looked nervous.

  By the time I passed my keycard over the sensor that opened the sixth-floor double doors, I heard nothing but my own heart pounding in my ears. This was nuts, but I didn’t care. I loved Ella. I’d do anything for her. Even if that meant risking a nice, long trip to jail. I couldn’t say what it was about her that so deeply inspired me. But knowing what a survivor she’d once been to have escaped her abusive husband, it was killing me to see her now reduced to a barely conscious shell. She deserved better. More.

  And I’d be the one who gave it to her.

  Considering all she’d done for me, that exchange was only right.

  “Hey.” Nurse Amanda Haines waved, before covering a yawn. “I see we both got the short end of the stick tonight, huh?”

  I somehow managed a laugh. “Yeah. I don’t mind, though. I’m making a buck more an hour.”

  “Whoa, look at you, Mr. Moneybags.” She eased back in her desk chair, raising her feet to rest on top of her workstation. The file she’d been reading came along for the ride, and she rested it facedown across her hips. “What’re you going to buy with your extra eight bucks?”

  I winked, then tossed my cards all in by leaning close, whispering in her ear, “Wouldn’t you like to know.”

  I knew the gamble had paid off when she giggled. “Yes, I would. I’d ask you to buy me drinks Friday night, but would eight dollars even get me buzzed?”

  “You’ll never know if you don’t ask.” In hopes of filling her mind with my abs as opposed to responsible patient care, I stretched, in the process raising my loose, white scrub top to give my six-pack a good scratch. It wasn’t one of my prouder moments, but this close to rescuing my Ella, a man had to do what a man had to do.