She hurried to the room, opening the door only enough to slip inside.
Edith started at Joanna’s entrance, hurrying to her feet, a letter in one hand. Her other hand flew to her face, whisking away a few tears. “Oh, Joanna! It is you.”
Joanna’s own wretched emotions faded as she saw her friend’s distress. “Edith, what is it?”
Edith smiled through her tears. “It is nothing, I assure you. I received a letter from Captain Kallaway, that is all.”
Joanna’s face lit up. “He has written you?”
“Yes, but he does not say when he will return home.”
Joanna frowned. “But at least you have heard from him. That is wonderful! Is he well?”
“Well enough as can be expected.” Edith looked at her, tears still in her eyes. “I miss him, Joanna.”
Joanna crossed the room and sat beside her, taking her friend’s hands in her own. “I know, dearest, but before long, this trial will pass and you will be together again.”
Edith nodded. “It is my most sincere hope.” She met Joanna’s gaze at last. “But you have not come here to talk of my distresses have you? What troubles you, my friend?”
Joanna shook her head and smiled. Edith always could see clear through her. She sighed, her own pain seizing her.
“I do not know what has come over me, Edith. I have always kept such careful control of my emotions, but lately—” she could not finish, the tears forcing their way near the surface again.
“What has happened?”
“Nothing, and yet everything has changed.” Joanna told her of Mariah’s near move to London and of the miserable day on the beach, including her time with Mr. Aldridge. “My greatest fear in giving in to my emotions was that I would not be able to stop them. And I have been proven right. It has been two days, and try as I might, I cannot return to myself.”
Edith smiled softly. “Joanna, you are finally mourning. You have been withholding these emotions for months, maybe years. You cannot expect them to pass in only a few days.”
“Why not? I cannot continue like this. With the sudden bursts of tears and unexpected pains within. What am I going to do?” Joanna buried her face in her hands.
“You are going to do exactly what you are doing already. Seek comfort from your friends and family.” When Joanna did not look up, Edith leaned forward and lifted Joanna’s face. “This is a good thing. This is healing.”
“It only feels like hurt.”
Edith leaned back, clearly trying not to smile. “Yes, I expect it does, but in time the hurt will lessen and you will return to yourself.” She looked at Joanna with indecision. “I have long wondered if I should speak on this subject or not, but I do believe your father was unfair to you. When your mother fell ill, he ought to have relied on a family member, or someone else, someone older, with more experience in the world. I do not think it was right that a girl as young as you were should have had so much responsibility placed on her tiny shoulders.”
Joanna pondered her words. It had been a difficult burden on her and she saw now how much it had changed her. There had been many days and nights of caring for her mother, feeling helpless as she strove, unsuccessfully, to relieve her mother’s pain. But Joanna could not blame her father, he had been so distressed by her mother’s illness, that when she fell ill, he was completely beside himself. He could manage very little during her spells, other than pacing his study.
“I did what I had to, though I suppose it was unfair to expect so much of a child.”
Edith nodded, then patted Joanna’s hand. “I am sorry to have brought it up. I only hoped the additional perspective might aid you.”
Joanna smiled at her sadly, wiping a few errant tears from her face. “Thank you, Edith. I am glad to know I have your support.”
“You always will, my friend.” Her gaze turned curious. “I do not suppose you will tell me more of what happened with Mr. Aldridge?”
Joanna felt her face warm. “There is not much more to tell. We spoke for a time and he walked me home.”
“I have said it before, that gentleman seems drawn to you.”
Joanna’s heart beat rapidly at the thought. “He has proven to be kinder than I imagined.”
Edith smirked. “Well, that is a step forward at least.”
“Do not build your anticipation too high, Edith. I have no intentions toward him.”
“You may not, but he may have other ideas.”
Joanna wondered why on earth her heart insisted on pounding about at Edith’s words. She could not say, and yet she could not deny that the sensation was more pleasant than she would have thought.
That evening Joanna and Mariah sat in the drawing room after dinner, not speaking much, but for once enjoying a companionable silence. The bell rang and they immediately looked to each other.
“You are not expecting anyone?” Joanna asked.
Mariah shook her head. “Who could be calling so late?”
The door opened and Joanna looked toward it, expecting to see Susan introducing their guest. She was not prepared to see a large man standing just outside the candlelight. She gasped in surprise, but less than a moment later her trepidation fled and excitement quickly replaced it.
Mariah called out, “Father!” She hurried to him, embracing him enthusiastically.
Their father chuckled and the sound sent warmth ebbing through Joanna. She at once felt comfortable, at home. She stood as Mariah released him. He smiled at Joanna and she moved toward him with arms open. He held her tightly, as he used to when she was a child.
“My Joanna,” he whispered near her ear.
She felt control over her emotions slip steadily from her grasp. She had not cried in front of Father in years, and certainly did not wish to fall to pieces now. A few tears escaped, but she managed to withhold the wave that threatened.
He pulled away from her, a sad smile on his face. “I have missed you too.”
Joanna nodded, certain that if she spoke she’d release the ocean that lay behind her eyes.
Mariah stepped forward again. “What are you doing here, Father? We were not expecting you.”
He looked between them, his brow crinkled. “To be honest, I have come to see what is happening with my girls. It is not every day I receive a letter one day declaring Mariah is moving to London, and a letter the next saying she has changed her mind.”
Joanna looked down, embarrassment seeping through her.
Mariah placed her hand on Joanna’s arm. “We have had some struggles lately, but we spoke about it and I believe things will work out.”
Joanna smiled at her gratefully.
“Hmm.” His concerned expression did not change.
Joanna finally found her voice. “Do not be worried, Father. We are well, I assure you.”
He gazed deep into her eyes and she was certain he would see the emotions hiding just beneath the surface. It took her a moment to realize she could see sadness in his eyes too, but whether it was for herself and Mariah or for his own loss, she could not be certain.
At length, he looked away from Joanna and back to Mariah. “Well, perhaps I will stay for a time anyway. I have missed you both.”
“And we have missed you,” Mariah said, embracing him again.
“Did you stop on your journey to eat?” Joanna asked.
“No, I wished to arrive sooner rather than later.” Father glanced at the clock. “Though I suppose it is still rather late.” He chuckled.
“You must be hungry then. Let me call Susan, she will bring you a plate.”
He waved dismissively. “No, no. I am fine. A cup of tea perhaps, but nothing else, please.”
Joanna paused halfway to the door, an argument on her lips, for surely he needed nourishment, but Mariah’s words pounded in her head. “I wonder if your overbearing restraint is what motivated Father to move to London?” Though she had spent much of the last few days convincing herself it could not be true, a corner of her mind would not be silenced
. She could not help but wonder. She pressed her lips together and inhaled deeply, willing a calm to come over her anxious mind. Finally, she smiled.
“Of course, Father. I will ask Susan to bring in the tea now.”
The remainder of the evening passed pleasantly with Father telling stories from London. His cheerful smile was infectious and Joanna felt herself more relaxed than she had been in some time. As she lay in bed that night, waiting for sleep, her thoughts drifted back to her childhood.
When her mother was well, there could have been no happier place than their home. Father’s easy temper suited Mother’s quick wit and cleverness. Joanna had never heard a couple laugh so very much as Mother and Father had. Joanna and Mariah were loved dearly and spent hours of enjoyment with their parents.
Their lives were a sharp contrast between those happy moments and each time her mother fell ill. Father could not be consoled and Joanna had to be Mariah’s hope and cheer, as well as Mother’s caretaker, and she also had to stand in as mistress of the home. She did not resent her father’s distress, as she could not imagine what it must be like to witness someone you loved so intensely suffer, and be completely unable to assist. She had seen a glimpse of his pain as she cared for her mother, but she could only guess at the intensity her father felt.
As she came down the stairs the next morning, she sorted through the many things they could do that day. She had found it best to keep her father busy, and therefore hope that he would not dwell on thoughts of Mother. He and Mariah were already seated at the breakfast table when she arrived.
“Good morning,” she said to them both.
He looked up at her with warmth. “Good morning, Joanna. I trust you slept well?”
“Yes, very. Did you find your room to your liking?”
“As always, my dear.”
They passed a few moments in comfortable silence before Mariah turned to Father. “What shall we do today?”
Joanna’s mouth was full, so she could not interject with her own ideas.
“Actually, I had rather hoped to spend the day quietly. Perhaps later, a walk about the park, and I thought that I ought to visit my sister this evening.”
Joanna swallowed slowly. Spending the day quietly was not what she had anticipated. In fact, she was eager to make herself busy entertaining Father. It would allow her mind and heart the distraction she was certain was needed to halt her unmanageable emotions. But as she looked at her father she could see the tiredness behind his eyes. Perhaps he had not slept as well as he’d said. Or perhaps the strain of being there was wearing on him already. Either way, what he desired was clear and Joanna had made a promise to be less controlling, no matter how it irked her.
She planted a smile on her lips and said “That sounds very pleasant indeed.”
After church services, Mr. Leighton had many greetings to share with friends and Joanna only caught sight of Mr. Aldridge for a moment as he left the church grounds. After a considerable time, the Leightons took to the park, reveling in the cool autumn air. Once they returned home, Father retired to the library and Mariah left to call on a friend. Joanna found herself in the drawing room, quite alone and wishing for company, when the bell rang, announcing a visitor. Almost certain it was a neighbor calling on her father, Joanna stood to leave the room.
However, when Susan opened the door, she announced, “Mr. Aldridge to see you, ma’am.”
Joanna’s heart pounded and her stomach fluttered as their eyes met. “Good day, Mr. Aldridge.”
“Good day, Miss Leighton.” There was something reassuring in his deep voice and she found herself delighting in it.
“I did not expect to see you today.”
He glanced around the room. “I do hope I am not interrupting.”
“Oh, no. I did not mean that. Only that my father is in town and I had been expecting a caller for him, not for myself.”
“I do not wish to keep you away from your father during his visit.” He took a step toward the door.
Joanna raised her hand, suddenly anxious for him to stay. “It is well. He is in the library. I assure you, you are interrupting nothing. Won’t you please sit down?”
He allowed her to sit first and took a seat nearby, turning his hat in his hands and looking at it, and not at Joanna. “I came today to see how you were faring.” He met her gaze and compassion filled his eyes, flooding her with warmth. “I know it is not my place to look in on you.” He returned his gaze to his hat. “However, I could not help but be concerned. I hope you are not offended.”
Joanna stifled a smile. “I pride myself on not offending easily.”
He looked up at her words and the corner of his mouth lifted as he leaned forward. “Then how are you, Miss Leighton?”
A pain tugged at Joanna’s heart. “To be honest, the past few days have been difficult.” For a moment, Joanna was surprised by her own openness. Of course, you did pour out your whole soul to him only a few days ago. Perhaps it was not so surprising after all. “But today, at least, has been better.”
“I imagine that having your father here has helped.”
Joanna nodded in agreement.
“Can I hope that since he is here, that Miss Mariah elected to stay?”
Joanna smiled. “Yes, she did. I had to make her promises, which have already been difficult to keep, but we are compromising.”
His face softened into a smile. “I am glad to hear it.”
He stayed for only a quarter of an hour, but when he left, Joanna’s heart felt lighter than it had in days. She admired his ability to put her at ease. To make her feel her pain, yet not suffer in it, all at once. It was a remarkable talent and she was grateful for his friendship. She ascended the stairs toward the library to check in on her father, but froze halfway up.
Her father was in the hall above, standing before a painting. It was a portrait of her mother, one Joanna had always loved. His very posture expressed his pain and longing. She was torn between offering comfort and leaving him to his grieving, but she had no opportunity to decide, as he turned toward her then, his eyes full of misery.
“Forgive me, Father. I did not mean to intrude.”
He smiled at her sadly, and stretched his arm toward her. “You are not intruding, my dear.”
She moved to stand beside him, her own pain stirring up in her once again. “I miss her so much.”
He enveloped her close to his side. “As do I. I do not think I will ever feel whole again without her. She was my everything.”
Joanna’s fragile heart teetered on a point. She willed it to hold together, to remain intact.
But then Father spoke again. “I have always felt it was my duty as her husband to protect her. To keep her happy and safe from harm,” he paused and Joanna could sense his despair. “But I failed her. I failed the woman I loved more than life itself.”
Joanna’s heart shattered and the tears she’d been dreading all day came flowing down her face. This was what love did to people, and this was why she wanted no part of it.
Her father did not even look at her, only kept gazing at the portrait of Mother. She stood by him a while longer, wishing she could do something to ease his pain, yet knowing she could do nothing.
Joanna sat in her room the next evening, a maid twisting her hair up when a sullen looking Mariah came in.
“Must we go to dinner tonight?”
Invitations to dinner were not uncommon in Roselund Heights and the Leighton family had been invited to such an engagement at the Harrison home. Joanna hardly looked forward to the event with enthusiasm. The night would require a cheerful disposition, fluent conversation, and, more than likely, energy for dancing. She felt she could supply none of the requirements and wondered if it would be best to remain at home. However, society frowned upon refused invitations, and she could not offend the Harrisons.
In addition, she was heartily concerned that her emotions would not remain in check. They had been set loose again by her father’s confession an
d she had not been able to rein them in to her satisfaction. Nevertheless, she felt there was little choice.
Joanna opened her mouth to tell Mariah what she ought to do, but paused as she met her sister’s gaze in the mirror. Joanna pressed her lips together, contemplating the best way to broach the situation.
“I am not particularly keen on the idea myself. However, Father is good friends with Mr. Harrison.” She paused again and sighed. “I’m afraid my social conscience dictates I must attend. You may follow whatever judgment you think best, however.”
Mariah rolled her eyes, but smiled. “Then I suppose we will suffer in silence together.”
Joanna returned her grin before Mariah left to finish readying. In all the gloom that plagued her, she clung to the fact that she and Mariah were getting along far better than they had in a long time. There were still many moments in which Joanna had to restrain her control in order to appease Mariah, but the result was a happier atmosphere between them. It was a small comfort compared to the frustration Joanna continued to experience, but it was a comfort, nonetheless.
Though the Harrisons lived on the other side of town, the carriage ride was not long. After they rang the bell, a short round butler showed them into the drawing room at the Harrison home.
“Mr. Rupert Leighton, Miss Joanna Leighton, and Miss Mariah Leighton,” he announced to the room.
Mrs. Harrison approached them, arms outstretched, her gaze fixed on Joanna’s father. “Welcome to our home. Mr. Leighton! It is so good to have you back in Roselund Heights. I do hope you plan to stay this time.”
He smiled at her passively. “No, not at this time. I do not think my daughters would know what to do with me if I should stay.”
Mrs. Harrison laughed politely, though clearly not amused. “Perhaps not. Mr. Harrison has been looking forward to seeing you again. He is just there.” She motioned toward her husband.
“Thank you,” Mr. Leighton said as he bowed before moving toward his friend.
Healing Hearts (Roselund Heights Book 1) Page 6
