Keep Jumping / No Hating

by Stephanie Perry Moore

  I just looked at her dumbfounded. Randal could not get the water in my mouth fast enough. I chugged it and it did seem to soothe my heart. Randal went back to the bathroom and got washcloths. She brought a wet cloth to my face and wiped it really hard.

  I complained. “Ouch!”

  Randal said, “Hold still, we’re not putting you in the shower, but we need to clean you up a little bit.”

  I was in and out of it, but I could tell they were talking about me. Ella mentioned something about that this was all because of my mom. Randal said she could only imagine how I must feel. Seeing my mom messing up her life that way, I knew they understood why I had to drink my troubles away.

  Waving my hand in front of them, I said, “I’m okay. I’m here. I hear y’all.”

  “Yeah, okay,” Ella said, pacifying me. She knew I still wasn’t fully myself. “Let’s get in bed now. Come on. Get under the covers.”

  My dad came to my bedroom door and said, “Ladies, thank you for being really good friends to Hallie.”

  Ella said, “No problem, sir. We just wanted you to know that we did tell Amir to bring her home. It’s our fault. Don’t be mad at him.”

  My dad responded, “It’s fine. It’s over. I’m glad she’s safe. Do I need to take you guys somewhere?”

  Ella said, “No, thank you. Charli should be picking us up any minute. We texted her a while ago.”

  “Okay, thanks. Hallie’s got a lot she’s dealing with, but she’s blessed to have good friends like y’all. If I need to talk to your parents to let them know where you are, I can do that.”

  “No, sir. We did that too.”

  “This is just great. So now they know my daughter got drunk,” my dad said. “They’re really not going to like you hanging out with her now. I don’t know why Hallie didn’t think about the consequences.”

  “Sir, you know my mom doesn’t judge like that,” Ella said reflecting on how down Mama B always was.

  Then Randal spoke up, “And my parents love Hallie. Don’t worry, they will get on her for making a bad choice, but they won’t keep me from hanging out with her.”

  “I appreciate that, girls. I just want my daughter to know I love her. Just because some bad things have happened to her doesn’t mean she has to bring more bad things upon herself. I’m truly disappointed,” my father sighed.

  There was a horn honking. They all left my room, and I wiped tears from my face. I guess lying there in the quiet by myself made me able to rationalize better. I had made a dumb choice and completely embarrassed myself. Worse than that, I had gotten Amir, the guy I really liked, in trouble with my father. I had also made my father upset. I knew no temporary buzz was worth the humiliating lesson learned.

  My final humiliation was the most excruciating headache the next morning. It felt like someone had taken my head and knocked it against the pavement. I actually put my hands on my head to make sure I had not cracked my skull. In addition to thinking I had a head injury, my body felt as if it had been hit by a truck. I felt worse than awful and less than zero.

  I rolled over and looked at the clock and saw that it was two in the afternoon. I jumped up immediately and wondered if I had forgotten cheerleading practice or school or church, but then I realized it was Saturday. My dad was kind enough to let me chill. However, it was time for me to get up.

  Then it dawned on me. My dad was probably so ticked. I thought really hard on everything that transpired the night before. Reliving it all broke my heart. I still could not get over the fact that my mom sold her body for drugs. And she had to give her body over yesterday so the thugs would not break me. As mad as I was at her for living in such a horrible way, I wanted to hug her and thank her for protecting me in the end.

  Then I remembered my bout with the alcohol. Pinecone must have known better, but at least now I knew that I never needed to drink to excess again. But how did I get home? Then I smiled, remembering Amir Knight.

  I knew he had to think horribly of me, but I knew he was certainly the one who came to my rescue. And then my girls Ella and Randal having my back and making sure I got home safely. I did not deserve their friendship, but I was going to make certain I let them know I was appreciative.

  “Oh, so I see somebody’s up, huh? Well, we need to talk right now. Drinking, Hallie, seriously?” my dad said. He could see that I was hurting as he came into my room and saw me sitting up in my bed with my knees close to my chest.

  I humbly said, “I’m sorry, Dad. I owe you such a huge apology. Sorry.”

  Needing answers, my dad said, “And this young man . . . he explained to me that he wasn’t trying to take advantage of you. That he didn’t give you any alcohol.”

  “No, Dad.”

  “Well, who is he?”

  “He’s this guy I’ve been talking to. At Cheertowne, he’s my instructor, but he goes to my school. I’m almost close to flipping and realizing my dreams because of him. He’s a really, really nice guy.”

  “Knowing all the facts, I know he cares. I feel bad that I was real rude to the young brother,” my dad admitted.

  “You hate me, huh?” I said to my dad as I hung my head in shame.

  “I’m disappointed. You know I don’t allow you to go looking for your mom, particularly not by yourself, Hallie. I know you want to see her and make sure she’s okay and all, but dang, girl. No telling what could have happened to you down there. What would have happened if you didn’t make it back here? I don’t know what I would have done. I just wish you would think. We’re going to fix all of this. We’re going to have a nice family dinner to discuss it. You and me.”

  I leapt out of bed and went to hug his neck. “Daddy-daughter time?” I asked

  “Don’t try to be all nice and sweet. You are going to be grounded, but I do want to have a chance to talk with this young man, and I need you to do me a favor too.”

  “Anything, Dad. I certainly owe you for not being blazing mad. I just needed to not feel the pain, ya know?”

  “No, there is never an excuse to drink. You don’t know, someone could have put something in that drink. We have a lot to talk about. You do owe me,” he repeated.

  “Okay, name it. What do you want me to do? Straighten out your closet, come to the shop and clean up down there? Get your files organized? What? Name it, Dad and it’s done,” I said.

  “I’d like to have dinner this week with Amir.”

  “Wow, that’s great,” I said, thinking that was not bad at all.

  “Good, let’s call him now, and I’d like for Greta to be there as well,” he said, ushering in the bad news.

  “Huh? That lady?”

  “She’s not just some lady, Hallie. We have to find a way to move on with our lives. I want you to be respectful and get to know her. Can you do that for me?”

  A couple of days later, I still did not have the answer to my father’s question as I sat beside Amir at the dinner table. However, I had to look at this lady make goo-goo eyes at my dad. None of us were saying anything. It was really an uncomfortable moment. I could see in her eyes she wanted to tell me she would be the perfect step-monster, but hopefully she could get from my body language that I did not want her anywhere around. Amir was trying to tell to me to cool down, ease up, not be so hard, but he didn’t dare say anything because he knew I was broken.

  “So, young man, tell me about yourself.”

  “Well, sir, I—”

  Before he could say anything, there was a hard knock on the door. The harsh sound startled us all. I shrugged.

  “Hallie, you’re not expecting anybody are you?” my dad said to me.

  And I looked back at him like, No. Are you expecting anybody? Plus that somebody was going to almost beat the door down. My father got up and went to the door, and all of a sudden Mom pushed him back and rushed into the dining room.

  My mother frantically bellowed, “Where’s my baby? I need to see her. I need to tell her I’m so sorry. I need to make sure she’s okay. Oh my gosh . . .”<
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  “Mom?” I said, still hating that she looked tore up from the floor up.

  “Mom, I’m okay,” I was slightly embarrassed that my new guy friend was there to see how fragile and unkempt my mom was, but I didn’t want her to leave. I needed to see if she was ready to leave that crazy world, but my dad grabbed her arm.

  He barked, “What are you doing coming over to my house? And how’d you get here? Who’s with you? I don’t want anyone knowing where we live, thinking they can rob us to pay for your habits. And what was going on with my daughter a few days ago? What are you talking about, her safety? Hallie, we need to talk about all that you saw. Get out, Alisha! Get out!” my dad practically demanded.

  My mom said, “I don’t want to leave right now. I want to talk to my baby. You can’t make me leave!”

  “Oh, yes, I can. Remember I have a court order keeping you off the premises.”

  “A court order, Dad?” I was shocked. “She’s my mom. You can’t keep her away from me.”

  “Yes, I can! I don’t tell you all the things that go on with your mom. She steals from this house.”

  “I’m sorry, baby,” my mama said. “I’m sorry. Please just let me talk to you, Hallie. I don’t want you—”

  “Get out of my house, right now!” my father roared louder than a real lion.

  “I need help. You got to understand. I need help,” my mother cried.

  “Well, go get help then. You’re not getting any more from here. You’ve burned your last bridge,” my dad said. With a huge shove, he pushed my mom out of the house. She fell to the ground, and he slammed the door shut.

  I wanted to get him to move so I could go outside. However, he stood firmly in front of the door almost daring me to open it. It was a very charged moment, and we were highly upset.

  CHAPTER 6

  Do It

  Dad, just get outta my way!” I yelled at the top of my lungs, as my eyes filled with tears.

  I physically tried to move my father. However, he would not budge. My dad was angry, but I was angrier.

  “You’re not going anywhere. Sit down. Let’s finish our dinner, and let’s pretend like she never even came here,” he tried selling me, like the time he told me spinach tasted like cake so I would eat it.

  I wanted to yell, “What kind of crack are you smoking? Mom is the one high, but you’re making absolutely no sense.” Of course I wanted to keep all of my teeth, so I did not say anything. My eyes turned red. Instinctively, I looked back at Amir who was glazed over by the whole ordeal, and I gave him a look signifying that I needed his help. I guess that was all he needed because he came straight over to the man of the house and pleaded my case.

  The guy who had my heart and had forgiven me for my drunken scene days earlier said, “Sir, please just . . . just let me take her out. I will help her look for her mom. I’ll bring her back. I won’t let her go anywhere alone, sir.”

  When my dad looked away, I added, “Dad, if my mom leaves here and overdoses or something, I will never forgive you.”

  “Honey, just let her go,” Greta came over to my father and said. It made my skin crawl that his girlfriend had more influence with him than me.

  My dad stepped out of the way, which was our signal to take off and find her. We did not waste any time and went to the places I knew my mom was frequenting. I took him everywhere except to Big Daddy Wayne’s house because I was scared. Unfortunately, when we didn’t find her, I turned to Amir and confessed all.

  Taking a deep breath I said, “She’s probably where she was a few days ago.”

  He boldly said, “Okay, why didn’t you tell me to go there first?”

  I couldn’t even face him. I could not even talk about what happened to me at that trashy place. I knew he must have thought very little of me, having to take me around to find my trashed and coked-out mother.

  “You can talk to me,” Amir said in a soothing voice.

  I really didn’t deserve this guy. His words and actions showed he wanted to fix my world. I was so happy I did not have to go through this alone. I did not want to do anything to push him away.

  Turning toward the window, I said, “It’s just so hard. I feel so embarrassed.”

  He took one hand off the steering wheel and put it on the back of my neck. I rolled my neck toward him and my face ended up cupped in his hand.

  “Please tell me what happened, Hallie.”

  Wanting to connect, I said, “I’m not a drinker, but I went and found my mom and this guy . . .”

  I didn’t want to finish, but Amir pulled the car into a parking lot and just had me talk to him. He was astounded when I told him my experience at the crack house. As soon as I finished telling him my story, he drove silently to Big Daddy Wayne’s house. He was so disgusted. He told me to stay put.

  I shouted, “I can’t stay in the car.”

  Amir looked at me like I was nuts. “Absolutely not! What if that same guy sees you again? Men like you described take what they want. It won’t be any good for you or your mom, and I’m certainly not gonna stand by and watch some guy try to rape you. It’s just not going down like that. But if he pulls out a gun or a knife, or some of his boys jump me . . . I mean, there’s no good way that that could play out. I know what your mom looks like. Let me see if I can find her. Let me see if anyone knows if she’s here. Lock the door. Keep your phone in your hand.”

  While Amir was gone, I could not relax. I wanted my mom to be there, but I knew if she was there she would degrade and debase herself to score some crack. I wondered why my father could not let her remain at our place, get some coffee in her system, sober her up, and talk to her like he used to do. I needed him to care. This was my mom, not just some trick trying to hustle us.

  Amir came back and had his hands up. He didn’t have to say a word. I knew she was not there. I felt the worry course through my veins, and it made me feel worse than my bout with alcohol from a few nights before.

  “I’m sorry, she was not in there,” he said. Amir shrugged.

  “Yeah, I got that.”

  “Where else you wanna look?”

  “I don’t know anywhere else to look,” I sighed.

  I didn’t want to go off on him, but I was frustrated. I was upset. I needed to calm down. I did not want to break.

  “Why is this happening to me?” I screamed out. “Why do I feel so alone? My dad hates my mom, and my mom hates herself. We used to be a family. There . . . there used to be love.”

  I was so into my own pain that I almost missed that Amir was teary-eyed himself. We ended up driving to a park. No one was there. I saw his eyes had care and concern in them. I knew deep down I wanted to feel real good. I put my hand on the back of his neck and pulled his face toward mine. I kissed him, and I was so into it. My tongue knew what to do. I started lifting my shirt. When it was off, his eyes twinkled. I kissed his neck. I was forgetting my pain, and I started unbuttoning his shirt.

  Amir pulled back and said, “Wait, wait, wait. Hold up.”

  “What do you mean hold up? You said I’m not alone. Be with me.”

  “You’re not alone. I’m right here.”

  I reached back over to him and said, “Then make me feel good, please.”

  “No, you’re doing this for the wrong reasons. You want to dull the pain, but you have to understand that life is always going to throw curves. You can’t turn to alcohol. You can’t turn to sex. Those things are not going to make your life instantly better.”

  Trying to touch the muscles that were bulging from his chest to change his mind, I said, “Come on. I want to feel better, but you know I care for you.”

  “Hallie, we haven’t really talked about your drinking binge the other night. Hearing about all that you went through, I get it. That still wasn’t a wise choice. I mean, guys at the party were looking like they wanted to tap you, and there are guys who won’t take no for an answer.”

  I didn’t care what he was saying. I wasn’t listening. I straddled his lap
and started kissing his ear. I took his hand and put it on my chest, but he did not caress me. I’m not saying I had watermelons, but I was nicely formed and burning for some skin-to-skin contact. I did not know what was wrong with the brother.

  “You’re not gay or anything?” I blurted.

  Then he became angry. He made sure I was over on my side of his car. He huffed.

  He sighed, “Hallie, you just don’t get it.”

  “No, you just don’t get it!” I yelled back at him. “All I wanted to do is have a little fun. Just take me home. I thought you could make me feel good. You’re such a wimp. You won’t even play football, jerk.”

  He didn’t disrespect me, but he gave me a slight grunt, like he knew something that I did not know. At that point I did not care what it was. I could not stand him. I did not need him to do me any favors in terms of keeping my dignity. I needed him to honor my request and help me feel good. What use was he if he would not do that?

  “You sure you don’t mind taking extra time to teach me the routine again?” I said to Charli. I felt so guilty that she was spending so much free time with me. She had to go over everything with me multiple times. I was not the fastest learner. I tried getting the placement down, but I was bumping into everyone.

  Charli said in a sweet voice, “When are you going to get that I love you, girl? Let’s just break the routine up into thirds. We can go over the first half, really get that down, finish the middle, and then come back and do the end. Then later we can hook up with Brenton and Amir. Brenton says they’re hanging out some now.”

  “What?” I exclaimed. “Why? Amir is a loner. He doesn’t want friends. He makes it impossible to get to know him.”

  “From the stories he told Brenton, he’s made a pretty good effort at trying to support you. I know firsthand that you can be high maintenance. So you might want to cut the brother some slack,” Charli said, as she pushed play on the CD player.

  Not only was Charli a dynamite dancer, she was also a really cool instructor. I didn’t know if Cheertowne had dance, but she would be a great one to work with the little kids. She didn’t treat me like I was different—you know, the one riding the special bus—but she accommodated my pace. Before I knew it, I had the first part down. Then she plopped down and put both of her hands on her head, as if she was exhausted.