Keep Jumping / No Hating

by Stephanie Perry Moore

  “Oh my gosh, Lexus. What did you do, girl?” I said in amazement at the disturbing view.

  A pocket knife dropped from her fingers. It was clear that she was serious. This was too much.

  “Watching you out there looking so fine in those shorts and not giving me a chance, I just don’t want to be here. Can you hold me one last time?” Lexus uttered.

  There was no way I could ever have predicted Lexus would try to end her own life. I mean, I was just a guy. There was nothing special about me. If I didn’t want to be with her, she should have enough pride to want to be around for herself. She could always find another guy. If her life was over, she would devastate so many people in the process. Immediately I took off my shirt, ripped it in two, and covered up her wrists. I had taken CPR as a prerequisite to work at Cheertowne. Though we never studied self-inflicted knife wounds, I did know that the bleeding had to be stopped.

  “You care,” she squealed. “You care.”

  I got her from under the bleachers and yelled, “Coach Strong, help! Anybody, help!”

  Brenton heard me first and rushed over in my direction. “What’s up, man?”

  “Get your uncle! Get a phone! Dial nine-one-one!” I yelled. I saw the color draining from Lexus’s face. Man, I was not worth it.

  Mayhem broke out. Coach rushed over. A group of us shielded her from prying eyes. Though Lexus was weak and barely conscious, she knew she was holding on to me. Every time Coach tried to take over and allow me to step away, she squealed as if it physically pained her to be away from me. It was super creepy.

  I just wanted to take her and shake her. I got that life was hard. Though I did not know her life, and I did not know what she was going through, she kept hollering that I did not want her anymore. Surely that was not enough for her to want to leave this world. To me that rationale was ridiculous.

  When she closed her eyes, Coach got me to step back. Coach Woods came rushing in, and she started taking care of Lexus. When the paramedics took her, Coach called me to his office.

  “You, come here, we need to talk. Right now!” he insisted. “Shut the door. Tell me what happened with you and this girl.”

  Being clear, I said, “I didn’t cut her wrists if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “I know that. But when I was talking to you earlier, you were preoccupied and looking over to where the girl was found. Talk to me,” he said.

  “Yeah, ’cause I saw her crying. Obviously she hurt herself really bad. When I went over to her, she turned her arms to me, and all I saw was a bunch of blood. It freaked me out, Coach,” I tried to explain. He looked at me like he wanted the other part of the story about how I was connected to her. “I admit it; I dated the girl. She wouldn’t take no for an answer, and she’s been stalking me. I believe she slashed my tires, and she showed up at my house uninvited at two thirty in the morning. It’s been overwhelming. I told her in no uncertain terms that I didn’t want to talk to her anymore. Then she goes and does this. She said she didn’t wanna live. All of this is my fault.” I put my hand on my head and dropped into the chair.

  Trying to calm me, Coach said, “One thing I learned as an educator of high school students is that you see some unpredictable stuff. You can’t blame yourself for someone else’s actions. Obviously the girl is dealing with some issues and needs some serious help. I’m glad you wrapped her arms though. You stopped the bleeding as much as you could.”

  “I just hope she’s all right. If she dies—”

  Coach Strong cut me off and said, “Don’t even go there. Don’t even think about it. Okay?”

  “Yes, sir.” I nodded.

  “Okay,” he responded shakily.

  I was truly surprised when Hallie’s dad called and invited me to dinner. Now here I was, driving over to their house. Last time I saw him, he was ordering me off his property. Though that was a few days ago, for him to be so nice and extend this type of invitation just blew me away.

  It actually worked well because I did not want to be home. Even though my dad—or the person who raised me, or the guy who didn’t like that I was somebody else’s son, or whatever I was supposed to call him—was not home, it was still awkward. Also, I wanted to take my mind off of the Lexus scare. Word was she was physically fine, but it was still a big ordeal that I didn’t want to think about.

  I was walking to the door, and I was just a little nervous. A car pulled up in the driveway after me. It appeared that I was not the only guest for the evening. A nice-looking lady about my mom’s age got out of the car. She seemed as nervous as I was, fixing her dress and hair as she walked up.

  “I figured I’d wait on you. We’re going to the same place and no need in making them answer the door twice,” I said, making small talk.

  “No, you were just a little too nervous to go in by yourself,” she joked. “I’m Greta.”

  “I’m Amir,” I said, shaking her hand.

  “Here we go. You make sure your girlfriend takes it easy on me, and I’ll make sure my boyfriend doesn’t come down too hard on you dating his daughter,” she said. She gave me a quick tap on the back.

  Both Hallie and Mr. Ray greeted us. Mr. Ray nodded. Hallie took my hand and led me to the couch.

  When we were alone, she said, “I’m so glad you’re here. I can’t believe my dad is making me have dinner with this lady.”

  I wanted to say she seemed nice, but I knew women a little better than that. I liked Hallie, but I was not trying to cosign on all of her thoughts. However, I also did not want her to think I was against her either.

  “Hallie, don’t keep him over there all to yourself. Let the boy breath a little bit,” her father teased.

  “I’m so sorry I was wasted the other night,” she whispered in my ear before we walked toward her father and Greta.

  I whispered back, “It’s cool. You said that over the phone when we talked. We’re straight.”

  “So, Amir . . . your last name?” her dad asked.

  “It’s Knight, sir.”

  Mr. Ray said, “Amir Knight, hmm okay, and your parents? What do they do? You have any siblings? Tell me a little bit about yourself.”

  “You don’t have to grill the young man,” Greta said to him.

  “I just want to get to know him. I won’t be too hard on him. I think we have already been down that road a few days ago.”

  “When you overreacted,” Hallie said, showing me she had my back.

  Her dad grunted, “Don’t get started.”

  “What happened a couple of days ago?” Greta asked.

  Hallie yelled out, “None of your—”

  I grabbed her arm.

  “Ouch.”

  “You gotta be nice to the lady,” I said, knowing Greta and I had a pact.

  I certainly did not want to talk about my parents. I knew Greta did not want to have her boyfriend’s hostile daughter on her hands. Hallie needed to chill.

  “Tim, let’s let these two talk. I can go in the kitchen and help you finish dinner. We can eat in a second. We can all get to know each other then.” Hallie turned on some music so her father couldn’t hear what we were saying. She sat down close to me and took my hand.

  “I know you might have been outside, talking to the lady all of thirty seconds, but please don’t try to stop me from being me again. I don’t like her, and I’m not going to be civil.”

  “Your dad likes her. Doesn’t that count for something?” I said, realizing I couldn’t be the just-get-along, go-along companion.

  In a weird way, Hallie already gave me a reason to try athletics again. I did not want any woman totally controlling me. I had my man card, and I did not want anyone taking it from me. I was not ever going to be disrespectful toward her, but if I did not agree with her, she needed to be cool with that.

  “I thought you were supposed to be on my side,” she said, getting a little testy.

  “And who says I’m not?” I whispered into her ear.

  I liked her spunk though. It attr
acted me. I leaned in for a quick kiss, and she settled down. Laughter came from the kitchen, and the last thing I wanted to have happen was for her father to walk in and see more going on than there was. We’d been there and he’d assumed that.

  “You don’t have to worry about me not being in your corner,” I told her. “Just because we don’t always agree doesn’t mean that I’m not in your corner. I’m just giving you another perspective.”

  “It’s easy for you to say, parents giving you the benefit of the doubt, whatever. Your home life is great; mine is a mess. It’s just been me and my dad for the longest, and I can’t think about it changing.”

  I looked away. I walked over and looked at some of the pictures on the fireplace mantle. I wanted to talk to Hallie and tell her all that was going on with me. However, there was so much going on that I did not even know how to put it into words. I was now playing football and while I knew she would think that was great, I did not know if I would cut it during game time. I did not want her to know until I was sure I would be sticking it out. Also, I could not tell her that the parents she thought were perfect were not my parents in totality. Nor did I want her to know the jealous other trainer at Cheertowne just tried to take her own life because I broke it off. Clearly she had her own drama. As the guy in the relationship, I did not want to make it worse.

  “I’ll be right back,” she said, excusing herself.

  Her father walked in from the kitchen and said, “Can I talk to you for a sec?”

  “Yes, sir,” I said, clearing my throat.

  “I really wanted to thank you for being an upstanding gentleman. It must not have been easy for you having me jump down your throat like I did. All you tried to do was help my child. You could’ve taken advantage of her, but you didn’t. You saw to it that she got home safely. I just want to let you know that I’m forever grateful. I’m really appreciative and thankful that she’s got you in her life. She likes you and I just don’t . . .”

  Helping him not have to go on, I said, “I got you, sir. I have no intention of hurting your daughter.”

  “I must meet your parents,” Mr. Ray said. “They’ve raised you right.”

  Fifteen minutes later, we were all eating our dinner. Quickly life got a little out of hand when the doorbell started ringing nonstop. Mr. Ray was irate when he answered the door and saw a homeless-looking lady standing there demanding to come in. I did not have to guess it was Hallie’s mom. She rushed over to her, but her father stepped in between the two of them.

  Greta and I looked back at each other; we could not believe what we were witnessing. There was a mother who badly wanted to hold her child, but there was also a protective father who did not want someone stoned to hurt his baby. They both seemed genuine, but who was right? Who was wrong?

  Once again Hallie’s dad flipped a switch and became the upset man I had met a few days before when he kicked me off of his property. This time he threw Hallie’s mom out of the house, and she was kicking and screaming.

  “Why won’t you let me see my mom? Why won’t you let me talk to my mom? I can’t believe this,” Hallie screeched.

  “She comes to my house higher than an airplane. She doesn’t get to come here any time she wants, and she certainly is not allowed to come here like this.”

  Her dad put himself up against the door. Hallie tried to push him out of her way. She was screaming. He was yelling. I could hear her mom on the other side of the door kicking it and wanting to come in. I wanted to help, but this was not my business.

  We were eating a peaceful meal that was abruptly interrupted. At that point no one was hungry. Dinner was over with an unexpected ending.

  CHAPTER 6

  Start Connecting

  I knew I really cared for Hallie Ray because seeing her cry uncontrollably really affected me. If I could have taken all of her pain away, I would have. However, I had no say in what was going on. I desperately wanted to come to her rescue, even as she argued back and forth with her father to allow her to help her mom. He would not grant her request.

  Deeply wanting to intervene, I mustered up the strength to say, “Sir, I can help.”

  Hallie quit hitting her dad. She immediately turned in my direction. She looked over at me.

  “Thank you,” Greta said to me. “Seeing the two of them go at it like this is too much to bear.”

  Mr. Ray stood there waiting for me to speak, so I said, “Sir, I have my car, and I can take Hallie around to look for her mom. She couldn’t have gotten too far. I can be with her to make sure nothing happens, and I’ll bring her right home.”

  “No, no, she doesn’t need to find her mom. They don’t need to talk. Thank you, but this is none of your business.”

  “Come on,” Greta said. She went over to Mr. Ray and tried making him see logic.

  “Dad, you don’t want me to go by myself,” Hallie rationalized. “Amir is very responsible. He brought me home when I was drunk, for goodness’ sake. Please, let him go with me, Dad. You can see he’s got muscles. Nobody’s gonna bother me. He’ll bring me right back.”

  “I don’t want you to see he has muscles,” Mr. Ray said to his daughter. “And you saw what kind of state your mom was in. Besides, if you find her, what are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know, Dad,” Hallie said, as the tears continued to fall.

  “I just want to tell her that I love her and that she can get out of this crazy life. She doesn’t have to let drugs control her. Please, just give me a chance to try. That’s all I’m asking. She came here for a reason.”

  Mr. Ray vented, “Yeah, to get money so she can use it to get even more stoned. She probably hated that we were here. She probably wanted to break in and steal like she’s done before. Your mother’s a loser and . . .”

  At that point I could not even hear what Mr. Ray was saying. To hear someone call someone else a loser, even when they deserved it, was hard to take. I could not defend Hallie’s mom either. What idiot would leave their family for drugs? However, I did not walk in her shoes, so I could not cast any judgment. I could see from Hallie’s point of view that her mother did not deserve such a harsh label from her father. So regardless of what her dad thought, I came behind his angel and put my arms around her.

  I looked at her father and said, “I got her, sir. We’ll be right back.”

  It was not like I needed his permission at that point. There would have been a terrible scene if he would have stood in our way, but Hallie was not going to stop until she found her mom. We were not kids. We had our own minds, and our parents needed to deal with that. Seeing we were serious, he stepped out of the way. Greta opened the door.

  As soon as we got outside, Hallie jumped on me. That was a complete turnaround. She’d gone from mad to glad. She kissed me all over my face. I could see her dad was looking out of the window, so I pulled away.

  “Let’s go find your mom.” I grabbed her hand, and we got to my car before her father could change his mind.

  “You just don’t know what this means to me,” she said, hugging my neck. “For you to stand up to my dad like that, and for you to basically let him know regardless of what he thought, we were going. Oh my gosh, Amir . . . you’re awesome. Who cares that you don’t play football? You’re tougher than any guy I know. My dad included. That’s why he opened up the door. He knew he couldn’t stop us. Thank you.”

  The last thing I wanted to be was disrespectful to anyone’s father. Particularly the father of the girl I really liked. I was not second-guessing my decision, but I did not like that Hallie was making such a big deal out of it. I was not trying to defy her dad. I just wanted him to care about what his daughter was going through. I needed him to know that it bothered me that she was breaking. I wanted him to see that I was going to be there when things got rocky for his child, but I was not sure if that was how he saw it at all.

  As we drove around for an hour searching for her mom, I knew my task was going to be harder than I had imagined. Hallie was alre
ady a basket case. None of my efforts were helping to put her together. Her father had a point. Could we handle it if we found her mom? Sure, Hallie thought I was tough, but if we ran into some drug dealers equipped with guns, I did not stand a chance.

  I nearly passed out when I searched the crack house where Hallie’s mom was known to frequent. I could not believe my girl had entered such an awful place. It was filthy and dangerous. I vowed that Hallie would never ever search these streets by herself again.

  After we were done searching without success, I pulled into a nearby park. I had to get Hallie to settle down. She was rightfully upset about her mom. But she was scaring me. I did not want her to cry so hard. I stroked her hair. I rubbed her back. I wiped her cheeks. I put my face next to hers, and then we started kissing. Then the kisses got deeper. She was beginning to take off her shirt, and I realized that she was all intense with the physical interaction that she was once again misplacing all that she was feeling.

  “Stop,” I said, pulling back to my side of the car. “Let’s not do this.”

  “What? Why are you stopping me? Why are you pulling back? I know what I want. I want to be with you. I want to forget all about this.”

  “Exactly, you want to forget all about this. You don’t really want to be with me.”

  “Yes, I do. You stood up to my dad. You cared for me when I was drunk.”

  “Exactly! Why did you get drunk? Because you were all upset about your mom. You have got to deal with that. You can’t turn to alcohol or sex and think everything’s going to be okay. It’s just not that easy.”

  “Why? Because I woke up with a massive headache after that night? Or is it because if I have sex with you now, I’m going to regret it tomorrow? Is that what you think? I’m not going to regret being with you. This is different. I really care about you, Amir. Please, touch me, feel me, and make me feel good.”

  “No,” I told her sternly and truly meant it. “I’ve got stuff going on with me right now too.”