Keep Jumping / No Hating

by Stephanie Perry Moore

  “You think that’s the difference?”

  “I know it is,” I told him.

  Unfortunately, everyone knew we had a gang, the Axes, in our school. As soon as we entered, I could see that the ringleader, Shameek, whom I knew from middle school, had a Glock in his pants and looked like he was about to take somebody out.

  Quickly, I stepped over to him and said, “Man, what are you doing?”

  Shameek said, “Stay out of this, Amir. I got beef with Blake and Leo. This doesn’t concern you.”

  “If memory serves me correctly, you owe me one, right?” I reminded my old pal.

  When he did not have money to go on an eighth grade trip, I got my dad to sponsor him. On the trip Shameek was overwhelmed with emotion and said he never had anybody care enough to help him out like that. He told me that whenever I needed him, he’d owe me one. A few years later I was ready to cash in.

  “What do you care about the football team, Amir?”

  “I just do, man.”

  Shameek nodded. He called off his goons and covered the Glock up with his shirt. The team passed by, oblivious to the drama that could have unfolded. At least I thought so.

  Leo walked over to me and said, “So Shameek is still upset, huh?”

  “Yeah, with you and Blake.”

  “Dang,” Leo said. It was obvious that he didn’t want trouble.

  “I took care of it.”

  “For now, but if you know him, then you know he’s crazy. This isn’t going to be over until someone’s dead.” I looked at Leo, wishing that he was not telling the truth, but he was. “ ’Preciate it.”

  When we walked past Hallie and her crew of cheerleaders, I told Brenton I would see him later. He headed off in another direction. Seeing the girl got me excited, but I also did not want to let her on to the fact that I was playing ball. I knew she really liked me either way, but I wanted to see how the night was going to go. I needed to see if I got off the bench and made a difference in the game before she knew.

  We had a pep rally. It killed me to see all the other cheerleaders flipping except Hallie. I wanted to go out and spot her, but I knew that would only make things worse for both of us. I could only hope that she would find the strength inside herself to do what I knew she could at the game. When our eyes met, she held her head down. I knew she was disappointed in herself. I just wanted to wrap her in my arms and tell her it was going to be okay. However, I stayed seated behind the football team, not wearing my jersey on purpose.

  When the school day was over and the pep rally was through, we were eating a pre-game meal. Coach Strong stood before us and said, “Listen, I studied the film of the Tigers and truly believe the only way that we can get beat is if we beat ourselves. You guys are special athletes. Play like it. Remember your assignments. Don’t make stupid mistakes, and play your heart out.”

  I raised my hand. “Amir, you want to say something?”

  I stood and said, “Yeah, Coach, I just wanted to follow up with what you said. I’ve been out here for a couple of weeks, and I thought it was all about x’s and o’s, but I’ve learned it’s also about the Jims and Joes. You guys care about each other. I want to be a part of the brotherhood.”

  Waxton stood up and said, “You’re in.”

  Leo stood and said, “That’s right.”

  Blake replied, “Let’s go Lions! That’s what I’m talking about.”

  Brenton, who was seated beside me, patted me on the back. Other players came up and gave me dap. We were a team and I was part of it.

  That evening when the game was going on, I was actually happy that Coach allowed Colby to start. It really was his position to lose. Unfortunately, he was getting beat on assignments.

  He went over to Coach and said, “Put Amir in.”

  “Your time to shine, baby,” Brenton said while we ran to position on the field.

  On my first defensive play, the ball was thrown to my side. I guess since they had no film on me their coach thought where I stood was the weak side. I proved his theory wrong. I was the strong side when I stepped in front of the receiver, got the interception, and ran in for a touchdown. The crowd went wild. Hearing my name called over the loudspeaker made me feel real good inside.

  When I came over to the sidelines and saw my mom and brother sitting in the stands, waving uncontrollably, I felt even prouder. My heart skipped a few extra beats when I saw Hallie with her hands clutched to her heart. She was searching the sidelines. However, she could not find me. I had on a helmet and blended in with the other players. I saw she was happy though. That let me know she really cared.

  We were going back out there on defense since I scored. I watched the quarterback’s eyes and felt he was going to throw the ball on the other side. I covered my man like Coach wanted me to. However, the ball was thrown in the opposite direction. I made it across the field to intercept that ball as well. The game was changing and the momentum was swinging our way.

  I did not get a touchdown, but we put the offense on the field. Blake threw a pass to Landon. A TD was caught in the end zone.

  The score before halftime was tied. But the game was not won. We had a whole other half to play, but the brotherhood I wanted to be a part of was exhilarated. I felt like together we could conquer anything. I was a part of the team and it felt good.

  It was halftime of the first game that I had played since the seventh grade. Though things were going right in my world, I jogged off the field and passed a somber Hallie. I stopped and grabbed her hand. At first she did not know it was me because of the helmet. Then I took it off and she recognized me immediately

  When our eyes connected, I said, “You can do this.”

  I was straggling at the back of the pack of football players going into the field house so I could see her do her thing. She was the last cheerleader because they call them alphabetically. As her name was announced, I saw the dejection in her face. When she did not reach her goal, instinctively I wanted to go up to her, kiss her, hug her, and tell her everything was going to be okay. However, the only people left on the field in the football program were the coaches. I could hide no more among the guys in pads. I could only hope that she would not be too hard on herself and know that as soon as this game was over, I’d find her, embrace her, and let her know that she would get it the next game.

  “Son, you’re so good,” my mom said to me. Coach nodded to let me know that I had a second to talk with my family.

  “Two picks on your first two plays, little brother, for real you got skills,” Anthony said.

  The three of us stood there for a second. Though we were outside, it felt like we were in a closed box, and there was an elephant in the room that we were not dealing with. That was the fact that my father was absent. Though it had only been a few days, he still had not been home. While my mom seemed happy he left instead of me, I knew she loved her husband. It was not fair that I was the reason they were apart.

  “All right, Knight, let’s get on in here,” Coach said, pointing to the field house. “Your mama can baby you a little later on.”

  I hugged my mom. Coach pulled my jersey and we headed into the locker room. He immediately got in the middle of the team.

  “All right, men, gather around. We’re in a war. They want a victory, but we want it more,” Coach yelled. “Dial it up! I don’t know how the Tigers practice, but I know the Lions have been relentless. We’ve got the twelfth man on our side. This is a home game, and we need to win it. Let’s go show them who has the loudest roar. Remember men, this isn’t just about playing right under the Friday night lights. No, this is about character building. You may be tired, but if you hold on, play even harder, and push through the pain, these are the lessons that will carry you through life and make you stronger.”

  We were all jacked up. We went out in the second half and showed out. The Tigers did not score another point. We scored four more touchdowns and won 42–14.

  “That’s what I’m talking about,” Leo said
, lifting me in the air after the game. “Defense shut them down second half, led by my boy Amir Knight.”

  “Nah, partner, put me down. This was a team effort, for real. What you have . . . two sacks?”

  “Three,” he stated humbly.

  I asked, “Brenton, how many tackles you have second half? Ten?”

  “Twelve,” Brenton said, nodding that this was a true team effort.

  The guys were getting ready for the after party in the gym. I could not get dressed fast enough because I wanted to see Hallie. My boys wanted me to hang out with them, but as soon as I spotted that beautiful face across the gym, I made my way over there.

  “Amir, can I talk to you for a second?” the familiar and usually scary voice calmly said.

  I turned and was surprised to see Lexus. She had on long sleeves so I could not see her wrists all bandaged up. I knew she had not been at school since the incident.

  “I’m okay . . . I’m okay,” she said, noticing I was taken aback. “I wanted to let you know that I learned a hard lesson. My mom is getting me help.”

  “That’s good.”

  “I know you really like that Hallie girl. I think you should be with her,” she said, like I needed her permission.

  “I want you to be okay. I think you’re a great girl.”

  “Yeah, and I don’t need to think a guy can control my life.”

  “Exactly. So you good?” I said to her, not wanting to hold too long of a conversation.

  She nodded. “Yeah, it’s time I started taking care of me. I’m letting you go.”

  I nodded again. I did not want to give her a hug and make her get the wrong idea. I could only hope and pray that Lexus was going to truly be okay. I let out a sigh of relief as we went our separate ways.

  “Let’s dance,” I said to Hallie after I asked her friends if I could steal her away.

  Hallie was all smiles as she took my hand. Having her in my arms felt real good. She smelled so good and looked so fine. And it was clear that she was into me.

  When the fast music came on, I asked her if we could go somewhere and talk. I just laid my head on her chest and told her the situation about my father. She held me for a minute and that felt even better.

  “Enough about me,” I said. “What’s going on with you? You could’ve flipped out there tonight. I know you wanted to. What stopped you?”

  “Amir, I knew you were mad at me. We weren’t talking. You stopped working at the gym, and I guess I just lost my tumbling. I need your help.”

  “You don’t. You can do this. But I’m here,” I said to her. “What’s going on with your mom?” I asked. “I haven’t stopped thinking about that.”

  She looked up, “Honestly, things are looking up. My dad and I went and found her. We put her in a rehabilitation center. She’s got a chance, Amir. Thanks to you helping him see how I was serious about wanting to be there for my mom, she’s got a chance. Now it’s up to her.”

  “That’s awesome news.”

  “So what about your dad? How do you feel about all of that?” she asked.

  “I don’t know. I’m just trying not to be bitter about it, you know? I’ve learned if you let go of the anger and work on your dreams and stop hating, life can work out. What about me and you? Can we work out?” I said to her.

  She leaned in and allowed her lips to meet mine. I guess the answer was yes. It was a big deal to have a girl I liked care about me. Unlike with Lexus, this was real. We could help each other through the craziness of life. I was going to get her flipping, believe that.

  “Dang it, Knight, get your head in the game,” Coach yelled to me the following week when he pulled me from the lineup after two long bombs were thrown my way and the other team was about to score. “What’s gotten into you? What’s going on with you?”

  I could only look into the stands. My brother and mom told me they were not coming to this game. It was in Columbus, Georgia, and that was over an hour away. However, when I ran out in the beginning of the game, fired up to have a repeat of last week’s dominating performance, I glanced at the stands and froze when I saw my dad. Just his being there was truly affecting my execution, and not in a positive way I might add.

  What was he trying to do? Drag me home? Had my mom not told him that she agreed to let me play? Whatever his reasoning was, it was not a good one because he was standing in the bleachers, frowning. He had my mind all messed up. I wanted to be able to show him I did not need him in my life whether he wanted me to think of him as my father or not. But my heart had a mind of its own.

  “You got me putting scared little Colby back in the game. You know we need to win this game,” Coach vented on the sidelines. “You got to get your head in this, man.”

  I was still not looking at him. I was looking past him into the stands, and I guess he looked over his shoulder, recognized my father, and left me alone. When there was a time-out, I heard someone trying to get my attention. I looked over and saw Hallie whistling badly.

  “It’s the game. You know I can’t talk,” I said.

  “I know. I just want to tell you to hang in there. I saw you miss a couple balls. The guy was able to—”

  “All right, I don’t need a replay of the game,” I said, cutting her off.

  “I’m nervous to tumble. I know you helped me some this week, but . . .”

  “It’s one minute before halftime. You can do it. Trust your training.”

  “Seems like you need to take your own advice,” she said. She hit my shoulder pad hard—keeping it real—making me appreciate her more before she jogged back over to her team.

  Halftime came quickly. The other team led by seven points. I let everyone pass me by and go into the visitors’ locker room. I stayed a second to watch the cheerleaders.

  I knew I liked Hallie, but when I saw her tumble and do two handsprings in a row and then end it with a full, I think I loved her. I was so proud. I wanted to run out on the field, twirl her around, and scream. Of course, I was too cool to do that, but I was real proud of her.

  When I got into the locker room, Coach was not talking to the rest of the team. He was looking for me. I felt bad because I was having a bad performance. Now I was going to get disciplined because I was not following his rules.

  “Knight,” he said in a forceful tone. “Come here.”

  “Yes, Coach?”

  “I need to talk to you.”

  “I’m sorry, Coach. This was—”

  “No, no, no, follow me. I need to talk to you.”

  I did not know what was going on at that point. Was my coach going to kick me off of the team? Was he asking me to take off my uniform? Were the few minutes I decided to watch and be a spectator going to cost me my dream of being on his team? When we got to an isolated area, he quit walking and turned around. When he moved out of the way, I was surprised to see my dad.

  “I think the two of you guys need to talk,” Coach said.

  Dr. Knight shook Coach Strong’s hand. They exchanged a few words I could not hear. Coach left us.

  “What are you doing here?” I said, wanting to cut straight to the chase.

  There was no need to warm up. No need to act like we needed to hear the rules. We only needed to get it on with why he was there.

  He stepped toward me and said, “Son, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I came here to support you. I know it was wrong the way I acted—to just blurt out the seriousness of our lives and intentionally setting out to hurt you like that. I have been holding in a lot of anger over the years. I don’t deserve for you to forgive me, but I love our family. Thankfully I’ve been off rotation for the last couple of days, because all I can think about is saving my family. Not heart transplants, not saving anyone’s life . . .

  “I’m not a part of that,” I said, being as truthful as I knew how to be.

  “Yes, you are as much my son as Anthony is. There’s a saying around the hospital, ’If you feed them long enough, they begin to look like you,’ ” he tried
joking, but I did not laugh. “There has not been a day that you missed a meal. My problem is I wanted you to be mine so badly that I never realized you are mine. I have been on you to overcompensate for my own shortcomings. You’re great in your own right. You had nothing to do with how you got here or who decided to sign your birth certificate. I had a hand in all of those responsibilities. I’m not going to walk away from all of that now. I don’t want to walk away from you. If you let me, son, I want to be here for you. I know we only have a little bit of time before you set out on this life and begin your own journey into manhood. I want to do better with you.”

  I turned around and hit the wall. I could not believe he was saying what I knew I wanted to hear. I loved him so much. I tried so hard to please him, and there he was saying he loved me too.

  “I want to move back in the house, son, but I want to know that we can work on us. I want you to be comfortable there. If you got any doubts—”

  Cutting him off, I said, “No, no, Dad. Mom misses you. I miss you too.”

  He extended his arms. I fell into them. We hugged.

  “I love you, son. I’m so sorry.” He pushed me off and said, “Now get on out there and play some ball, okay?”

  Third quarter the coach did not put me in. Another touchdown got away from us. We were most definitely getting burned.

  I went over to Coach and said, “I can do this. I’m ready to get in the game.”

  “Is your head in it?” Coach Strong asked me.

  “Yes, sir, because you always told me to trust my training, stay focused on the goal, and dig deep. You helped me clear out some of the cobwebs. My mind is in the game.”

  “Well, get the heck on out there then. Let’s win this thing.”

  We had one quarter, and we were seventeen points behind. I was on special teams, and I ran one all the way back. We were immediately on defense, and we were three and out. When Blake got the ball back, he led another drive. Just like that, we were only down three points. The clock was not our friend. The home crowd was not on our side either.