Renegade

by Heather Dahlgren

  “So, since this is Brooklyn’s last night, I want to get a group picture of all of us, so next time the waitress comes in, I’m telling her to take it,” Poppy says, pulling her phone out of her purse.

  “What time is your flight tomorrow,” Fitz asks.

  I sigh and look at him. “It leaves at three o’clock, which means I need to be there at like noon.”

  He reaches for my hand that I have resting on my lap and squeezes. “I’ll definitely miss you.”

  Before I can tell him the same, Poppy is yelling for us all to stand up and get together. We do and Fitz wraps his arm around me. This is a picture I will look at often and smile, probably cry too.

  We all sit back down, except for Fitz. “I’d like to make a toast,” he says and smiles. We all reach for our glasses as he starts. “I think this week, I’ve learned more about myself than I have in the last twenty seven years. Some of it good, some of it shitty, but all of it because of this beautiful woman right here,” he says, looking down at me, his eyes catching mine briefly. He looks back around at the rest of the table and continues, “I think we might have taught her a thing or two also. I mean shit, when she got here she liked country music.” They all boo and I laugh. “Now, she has great taste in music and she’s gained four more lifelong friends. Brooklyn, thank you for coming into our lives and for allowing us to spend this week with you. You’ll be missed and never forgotten.” I try to stop the tears, but one falls before I can help it.

  Everyone raises their glass and agrees, telling me how much they will miss me. It’s just so hard knowing this is the last time I will be in the company of these amazing people. “I’d like to say something,” I say and they all look at me. “I’m going to miss you guys more than you could ever imagine. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt so accepted, actually I’ve never in my life felt so accepted. I hate to have to leave, but I’m so thankful for the memories.” I look at Fitz when I say that and he gives me a sad smile. “I don’t think of you guys as the famous Renegade, but I think of you as my friends.” I choke back a sob and sip my drink.

  Everyone starts talking again and I just take it all in. I try to memorize the laughs and movements of each of them, so I can close my eyes at home and remember. I watch Poppy laugh at something Nate says before he leans in and kisses her. I watch Ethen and Ralph talk and laugh about their dates or sex partners, last night. Then I turn to Fitz and he is staring at me. “Just memorizing everything about everyone,” I say.

  “I don’t need to, you’re already etched in my memory,” he says, running his hand down my cheek.

  My heart skips a beat and my pulse picks up. I’m not sure if it’s his touch or his words, but I can’t look away from him. There have been countless times on this visit that I wanted to kiss him. To know what it would feel like to have his lips on mine, to know his taste and feel his arms around me. However, right now, with the way he looks at me, I want it so badly. I want it more than I’ve ever wanted anything and I know it’s time to leave.

  “We need to head home. I have to pack still and I’m not very good at goodbyes, so I need to just get it over with,” I say, breaking my stare and looking around at everyone. I stand up and everyone else follows.

  Ralph comes to me and hugs me so tight that it’s hard to breathe. “Damn, I’m going to miss you Brooklyn. Take care of yourself and come see us in California.” I can’t find my voice so I just nod against him.

  Ethen grabs me next and lifts me up, spinning me in a circle. “You’re the first girl that’s been around, besides Poppy, that I didn’t want to fuck and that’s only because I’ve grown to love you. You are one of the best chicks I’ve ever met and I wish you’d just stay with us forever. Make sure you keep in touch.” The tears have started and I once again just nod and smile.

  Nate comes up to me and smiles his big smile. “I wasn’t sure what Poppy’s oldest friend would be like. I had so many ideas and none of them measured up to how fucking amazing you truly are. I’m honored to call you my friend now too. Please make sure you keep in touch with us and when we are in your neck of the woods, we will definitely be getting together,” he says before hugging me tight.

  They all slowly make their way to stand by the door and Fitz grabs me. I start to cry, full on cry, into his chest while he rubs my back. The thought that this is the last time I will be with him, makes me wish I’d done a million things differently on this visit. I wish I would have kissed him, I wish I’d have cried less and enjoyed more, I wish I would have stayed at his place last night and I fucking wish I wasn’t with Hank.

  “Brooklyn, I’m a musician and words are what I do, but right now I can’t find any. There are no words to explain how I feel. I meant it when I said that I won’t forget you, not even when you land and start living your life without me.” He squeezes me tighter and kisses my head. “Thank you for coming and making me remember who I am. Damn, I’m going to miss you. Please, I know you have a boyfriend, but every once in a while, shoot me a text. Just to say hi, so I know you are alright.”

  I can’t stop crying and I don’t want to let go. “I promise I will. I’m going to miss you so much. I don’t want to leave you,” I cry out and he just continues to rub my back.

  “Brooklyn, the cab is here. So whenever you’re ready,” Poppy yells and I pull back a bit from him.

  “I don’t want to let you go, but I need to.” He kisses my forehead, letting his lips linger for a few minutes before pulling away. He looks at me and wipes my tears with his thumbs. “Be safe and I hope to fuck that Hank knows what he has.”

  “Bye Fitz,” I say and walk away before I tell him that Hank has no idea what he has. That he hasn’t called once during this trip or even texted to see if I made it here safely. I walk away from Fitz, but I’m pretty sure I leave a part of me behind. A part of me that I love and wish I could be back at home.

  **

  The next morning, Poppy and I have breakfast and cry. Neither of us are ready for me to go, but we need to head to the airport. Leaving her apartment is hard, I love it here. Watching the city for the last time brings tears to my eyes and when I see the Empire State Building, I break down.

  “Awe, Brooklyn. He’s hurting as bad as you are, believe me,” Poppy says, wrapping her arm around me and I rest my head on her shoulder.

  We stay like that until we reach the airport. We get out and begin the process of checking my luggage, going through security and having everything checked. Once I’m done, it’s time for me to say goodbye to Poppy and get on the plane. We hug each other and both cry again. “Thank you for this week Poppy. It was life changing. I’m going to miss you so much.”

  “Brooklyn, it was more than I’d thought it would be. I wish we had more time,” she says. “You call me when you land and if I find out Hank is anything but a sweetheart to you, I will fly out there myself and kick his ass.”

  I giggle and pull away from her. “I promise I will call you.” I squeeze her hands and smile through my tears. “Thank you for everything.”

  I turn to walk to the gate and I hear, “Wait. Brooklyn, wait.” I turn around and see Fitz, running full speed toward me and I cover my mouth with my hand.

  I look at Poppy and she shrugs her shoulders. “I swear I had no idea.”

  Fitz reaches me and holds onto the top of my arms, taking a deep breath. “Brooklyn, stay. The thought of you leaving is killing me, I can’t bare it. I want you here, with me.”

  Hot tears stain my cheeks as I hold onto every bit of resolve I have left. I look into his watery blue eyes and my heart shatters in my chest. The hope I see in them makes this the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. “I can’t Fitz. I have to go.”

  “You don’t get it do you? We may not have crossed any lines physically, but my heart did. I fell for you Brooklyn,” he says and starts to move in for a kiss.

  I step back and shake my head as I try to contain a sob. “I can’t. I’m so sorry Fitz.” I can’t wait for him to reply because I’m s
o close to letting him convince me that this is where I belong.

  So with my heart broken, my stomach in my throat and the best parts of me left behind with Fitz, I walk through the gate that will take me back to where I came from.

  She said no. I’m standing in complete disbelief, watching her walk through the gate. She fucking said no. “Damn Fitz that was the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen. I’m so sorry,” Poppy says, as she runs her hand down my arm. “She’s just confused, give her some time.”

  I push her hand off my shoulder and shake my head. “Nah, it’s all good. She’s right, once she’s gone I’ll forget all about her,” I say, lying to both her and myself. I turn and walk toward the exit and hope that no one recognizes me on the way, because I sure as fuck don’t feel like dealing with it right now.

  “Fitz, wait,” Poppy yells behind me.

  I’m not waiting, I’m not about to talk or deal with what just happened. I’m going home, getting drunk and finding some pussy. That’s what I need to do, I need to fuck. I need to slam into someone, take out my frustrations, my anger and try to help my hurting heart.

  Before Poppy can catch up with me, I’m in my car and on my way back to my place. Half way there I tell the driver to stop at ‘Train’. He pulls up to the front and I get out. I go inside and head right to the bar. The bartender smiles as I slide my tall frame into a barstool. “Here a little early aren’t you?” he says, grabbing me a shot and a beer. I don’t even need to tell him what I want.

  “I’m not here for small talk, just give me the fucking drink,” I bark.

  He pushes my drinks to me and just walks away. Best idea considering right now I’m not in the mood for anything, but the burning sting of alcohol. I want it swimming in my veins, making me forget why I’m hurting so fucking bad. I wasn’t sure what Brooklyn would say, but I was hopeful she’d finally give in to me. I thought if I told her I fell for her that she would see I’m not just out to fuck her, that I wasn’t going to hurt her. Funny thing is, I’m the one who got hurt.

  After downing my shot, I wave the bartender over for another and another and another. I have no idea how long I’ve been sitting here, but I feel someone sit next to me and I glance over to see Nate. Fucking Poppy.

  “Hey man, come on let me take you home,” he says, studying me like he fucking feels sorry for me.

  “Nah, I’m just getting started,” I say, sipping my beer.

  “I think you need a night to wrap your head around shit. You had your heart broken. It sucks and you need to let it heal.”

  I’m beyond pissed at this point. Who the fuck is he? “Fuck this, I’m fucking Fitz. I’m the goddamn lead singer of Renegade. I’m not about to fall to my knees because of one chick. There are plenty of them that will do that for me.”

  “Fitz, stop being such an asshole. I know you don’t want a heart to heart, that’s not why I’m here. I’m here to bring your ass home before you do something you’ll regret. If you want I’ll come hang out and we can order food,” he says, still convinced he’s going to get me to leave.

  “Nate, you’re a good friend,” I start and he smiles. “But I’m not leaving. I’m getting drunk and I’m going to find a girl to bring home. So you can either stay and drink with me, or get the hell out of here.”

  He shakes his head and stands up. “Brooklyn would be so disappointed,” he says and turns his back to me.

  I don’t know what the fuck happens, but I snap. Just hearing her name is too much for me to handle right now. “Fuck you Nate,” I say and shove his back. He turns around and shoves his hands in his pockets. “She would need to care to be disappointed. She would need to be here to be disappointed. She would need to give a flying fuck to be disappointed. So fuck you and fuck her,” I yell.

  “Call me if you need me,” he says and walks away.

  Fuck him, fuck everyone. The only thing I need right now is to find a woman who is willing to let me fuck her. I look around the bar and the first face I see is the chick that bought me a drink. Bleach blonde hair, dull brown eyes and flowery scent, no longer seem so bad. I smile knowing full well she will be all too happy to let me bang her real fast. I stand up and sway, but steady myself on the bar. I toss back another shot and make my way over to her.

  She looks up right before I get there and I give her a wink. “Hey,” I say, leaning against the table.

  “Hey Fitz,” she says and turns back to her friends.

  What the fuck? “So, you want to finish what we started?”

  She looks me up and down before shaking her head. “Why don’t you go sleep it off and talk to me when you aren’t piss drunk, because last I knew I was nothing to you. So bye,” she says, giggling.

  I slam my hands down on the table and they all gasp. “Do you have any idea who I am?”

  They all stand up and start to walk away, but not before she looks back at me. “You sure as hell aren’t the guy that I thought you were,” she says and walks away.

  I pull out a chair and sit down. Twice in one day I’ve been rejected. One I could give a fuck about, but the other damn it’s killing me. I pull out my phone and dial Nate.

  “What?” he answers, pissed.

  “I’m going home.” That’s the only thing I say and hang up.

  I go out front and hope my car isn’t too far up the street, because walking is difficult right now. I find it and climb inside. The driver doesn’t say a word and neither do I. I’m done talking, I’m done drinking, I just need to be alone. When I get to my place, I stand there and look around. When I walked out of here today, I thought sure as fuck I’d be coming back with Brooklyn. Now here I am trashed and alone.

  I sit down on the couch and hold my head in my hands. Maybe Nate is right, I need time to get over the pain I feel, because right now I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. There is only one other time I felt this pain and that was when my parents were killed in a car accident. The feeling of being alone has wrapped itself around me and I don’t know if it will ever let go.

  After sitting on the couch for far too long thinking about everything I should have done differently, I get up and head to bed. I walk into the bedroom and look around. My blood begins to boil and I snap. I rip the cameras I have hooked up out of the TV and smash them against the wall over and over, until they are smashed into pieces like my heart. “Fuck!” I scream and fall onto the bed. I close my eyes and hope in the morning I will feel better.

  The next day I wake up with a massive hangover, even after a few cups of coffee and Ibuprofen I still feel like shit. I sit up on the roof, with my sunglasses on wishing we were on the road already. That’s what I need. I need to be on stage with screaming fans and parties every night. I need the distraction of women, music and fun. That’s when I’m happiest, when I’m doing what I love.

  I take more Ibuprofen and my cell phone rings. “Hello?”

  “Hey, just checking on you,” Nate says. He really is a good friend, even if I’m not.

  “Thanks man. I’m good. Sorry about last night. That was completely uncalled for,” I say, closing my eyes.

  “You were a dickhead, but I get it. If Poppy ever did something like that, I’d probably be worse,” he says.

  “You probably would you fucking pussy.” We both laugh and I grin. “So listen, I was going to stop by the studio today. I have this song I’m tossing around and I wanted to play a few cords to see what it sounded like. You guys want to meet me there?”

  He agrees and says he’ll call Ethen and Ralph.

  After I finish my coffee, I take a long shower and somehow I start to feel better. I don’t know if it’s the medicine or the idea of a new song, but it’s working. I grab my phone and check it, just in case Brooklyn decided to text me. Of course she didn’t and I just need to stop thinking it may happen. I shake my head and go to the lobby to wait for my car to get here. I sit down and jot down a few more lyrics that I think could work, before I get up and go outside.

  I’m the first one
to the studio and I go into the recording booth and grab my guitar. I start to strum a few cords, until I hit one I like. I play around until I get the verse down. I mark it all down and play it over and over, humming along.

  “Sounds fucking awesome, Fitz,” Ethen says from the recording booth.

  I put the guitar down and they come in. “So, I want to do this one acapella, the whole song. What do you guys think?”

  “I think it’s going to be amazing. Do you have lyrics yet?” Nate asks with his arm around Poppy.

  “I’m working on it. So what do guys say, we just have a jam session? When was the fucking last time we did that?” I ask with a laugh.

  “Hell yes, I’m down,” Ethen says, grabbing his drum sticks.

  “Always,” Ralph says, going to stand by the keyboard.

  Nate kisses Poppy before picking up his bass guitar. “Let’s do this.”

  For the next few hours, we play song after song and it was just what I needed. My heart might still be hurting, but music is the best escape. It takes me right up on stage to all the different places we have toured. In the US, UK and Australia, no matter where we are, the energy is always what gets me the most and that’s what I’m feeling right now.

  **

  “I can’t believe we leave tomorrow morning for the West coast tour,” Ethen says, sipping his beer.

  “No shit. I feel like we just got home,” Ralph says.

  I feel like it’s been a lifetime since then. It’s been almost a month since Brooklyn left, yet I feel like it’s been years. There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by that I haven’t thought about her. I wonder what’s she’s doing, how she’s doing and where she is. I try every day to move forward and I’m slowly getting there. I no longer need to get trashed to sleep and even though I felt guilty afterwards, I did fuck a groupie the other night. It wasn’t great, but I’m sure it’s just because I was wishing it was someone else. I’m sure this tour will bring plenty of groupies and drunk nights that will help me move forward.