“Is there something going on with you and Hank?” Cora asks and I sigh, putting my menu down again.
“I just need a change.” I hope they just leave it at that, because there is no way I’m ready to talk about New York.
“You came back a totally different person. I’d love to meet your friend and see what kind of magic she does,” Jessica says and they all laugh. I manage a small smile.
As we eat, I become more comfortable with them. I knew they were funny and outgoing, but I guess I didn’t realize how nice they were. I feel like I’ve known them forever and that we’ve hung out a million times. The longer we sit and talk, the more excited I get with the possibilities of being able to do anything I want after Hank and I break up.
After eating we drive to the bar and I can’t believe I’ve lived here most of my life and I’ve never been to any of the bars. Christ, I’m twenty five years old and I feel like I’m just beginning my life. I don’t know that I will be picking up any guys in any bars, considering I left my heart in New York with Fitz, but I can still have fun. If Poppy were here she would be doing the same thing and that’s who I strive to be like.
We get into the bar and sit at a table. It’s not like the clubs I visited in New York, it’s more laid back California. It has blue walls and white floors, I assume trying to resemble the ocean just outside the door. There are big fans on the ceiling, creating a nice breeze and there isn’t a stage, just music being pumped through speakers. Not good music either, it’s loud and I can’t understand any of the lyrics.
“I’ll go grab us the first round,” Sam says, standing up. “Oh Brooklyn, what do you want?”
Crap, what do I want? I chew my lip trying to remember the name of the drink Fitz had gotten me several times. “Malibu Bay Breeze,” I say and cross my fingers it is correct.
“Damn, look at those guys over there. I’d love to sit on his face,” Jessica says, wiggling her eyebrows.
“Jess, shut the fuck up. I haven’t had sex in almost a month. A fucking month,” Cora yells, throwing her hands up in the air.
Listening to them talk about sex and how they will just do it with any stranger makes me a little jealous. Not that I want to have a one night stand, but they know what they want and they go after it. I often think about what Fitz asked me on top of the Empire State Building, when he asked what my dream was. I think it’s time I find out.
Drink after drink, we are having so much fun. I’m drunk and I find everything funny. It feels good to laugh, let loose and just enjoy life. “Can we dance in this place?” I slur, looking around.
Sam throws her head back laughing, before slamming her drink down. “I have no fucking idea, but let’s do it,” she yells and jumps up.
I follow her lead and we stand next to the table dancing to the beat. I’m swaying my hips and throwing my arms in the air. It’s so carefree and I can’t believe I’ve been such a tight ass all these years avoiding fun. That’s what this is, it’s just fun.
“You ladies look hot,” says a balding man with a huge beer belly.
“We know,” I say and laugh when Sam holds up her hand for me to high five.
He rolls his eyes and walks away, causing all of us to burst out in a fit of laughter. We sit back down and I sip on my drink.
“We need to do this again, Brooklyn you are so much fun,” Jessica says, tossing back the rest of her drink.
Just as I am about to speak the music changes and son of a bitch, Renegade comes on. My heart stops beating when I hear Fitz’s voice. I don’t move, don’t speak, don’t breathe as I listen to every word. It’s the song they sang live for me and it makes me miss them so much more than I did just five minutes ago.
“Hey Brooklyn, you alright? You look like you saw a ghost,” Cora says, waving a hand in front of my face.
The song ends and I look around at them. “I just love that song.”
“Right, Renegade. Holy fuck, I can’t believe you hung out with them. Like did you really hang out with them or was it like you were just in the same room?” Sam asks, generally interested.
I giggle and lean in close. “I was in Fitz’s house bitches,” I say, trying to whisper, but it’s more like a shout.
“Shut the fuck up,” Jessica says, hitting my arm. Cora and Sam tell me how jealous they are and that they would give anything to hang out with the band.
“They aren’t a band to me, they’re my friends,” I say and stand up. “I need to get going.” Sam reaches for my purse and I laugh. “Don’t worry I’m calling a cab. Thank you guys for a fun night, I definitely look forward to doing it again.”
I get a cab home and when I walk inside I fall onto the couch and dial Poppy’s number. It’s been too long and tonight I am missing her and the guys more than I have. It’s probably the alcohol, or maybe it’s that I know they will be around here soon, but the need to talk to her is overwhelming.
“Holy fuck Brooklyn, what’s wrong?” Poppy answers and I look at the clock. Shit.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how late it was,” I say and get ready to hang up.
“Don’t be an asshole, I’m not sleeping, but it’s way past your bedtime. So again, what’s wrong?” she asks and I hear a door close.
“I went to the bar and just got home. I’m leaving Hank, I’ve been miserable and I miss you so much. I miss all of you,” I say and feel tears running down my face.
She doesn’t say anything for a minute and I think she’s hung up. “Brooklyn, I have been so fucking worried about you. Why would you ignore all my phone calls and texts?”
I feel like such a bitch for ignoring her and like a complete fuck up for drunk calling her. “I’m sorry Poppy, I just didn’t want to deal with anything that happened. I know you and I know you would have made me talk about it. I wasn’t ready, I’m still not ready.”
“You’re damn right I would have made you talk about it, but only because I wanted to know how you were. I know what you did wasn’t easy for you and I know you only did it for Hank. If he wasn’t in the picture, I bet you’d have stayed,” she says and I nod my head.
She’s right, I would have stayed. I would have kissed Fitz, I would have touched myself, I would have fucked him, hell I would have laid on his bed and made a damn video. “I don’t know Poppy, but I know I miss you. I know I miss Fitz and all the guys. I miss New York and I hate how things are now.”
“We are going to be by you in two weeks, come to the concert. Come hang out with us. We all miss you too, so much,” she says and I hear the sadness in her voice.
“I can’t Poppy, damn I’d love to, but I can’t,” I say and regret calling her. It’s making me hate the fact I’m not there. That I don’t know what’s going on and I wonder if Fitz is missing me like I am him.
“You can Brooklyn, stop saying shit like you can’t. You never give yourself enough credit. I saw a spark in you when you were here and I know there is a fire inside you dying to come out. You were so happy here. I saw your eyes light up when Fitz walked in the room, I saw the constant smile when he was near you, I saw you falling in love with him. Stop fighting everything so damn hard,” she says.
“I need to go,” I whisper.
“You go Brooklyn, you hide and avoid everything. Act like a fucking coward, while the rest of us are loving life. I’m sending you a ticket to the concert, come or don’t. It’s up to you what happens next,” she says and hangs up.
I roll onto my back and let the tears fall. I am a fucking coward, because I will continue to hide. If she saw how I felt for Fitz, they all did and I’m not going to look like the asshole who just walked away. I close my eyes and hold a throw pillow against my chest. Fitz’s bright blue eyes haunt my dreams when I finally find sleep.
**
I woke up an hour ago and after showering, I called Hank. I’m ready to just get this over with so I can move on. I just ate a bowl a cereal and I’m sipping on a cup of tea when he knocks on the door. It makes me laugh, he’s such an idiot. I ope
n the door and he steps inside without so much as a hello.
“Hello to you too,” I mumble and close the door.
“Brooke, let’s just get this over with. We both know what this meeting is all about,” he says, crossing his arms.
I smirk and mimic his position. “You’re right Hank. I called this meeting to tell you, I’m letting you go. You don’t fulfill your position like you once did. I’m not saying it’s your fault, I’m just saying we want different things out of this arrangement,” I say, acting like this is a business deal, just like he is.
“You aren’t the person you used to be Brooke. You went off to New York and came back a person I don’t even want to be around. What happened there?” he asks, making sure I feel like this is all my fault. Well fuck that, meet Brooklyn.
I smile and give him a wink. “When I was there, someone took me to Brooklyn. Made me feel beautiful, made me laugh and made me realize this life I’m living is a joke. That being in a relationship isn’t one sided, it’s mutual and this never was. I’ve tried far too long to be happy, but I’m done pretending. I want so much more out of life.”
He shakes his head and rolls his eyes. “I’ll have the rest of my things out of here Monday, while you’re at work. I’d rather not look at the betrayal in your eyes another minute,” he says and starts to walk away.
I grab his arm and he turns around. “My face shows a lot of things, but betrayal is definitely not one of them. If you think that’s the kind of woman I am, you don’t know me at all,” I say with sadness in my voice.
“Brooke,” he says and I cut him off.
“Brooklyn.”
“Whatever. Let’s not make a big deal out of this. You don’t want to be with me and I don’t want to be with you. Let’s just leave it at that and move on,” he says.
This time I don’t stop him when he walks to the door. He’s right, why make a big deal out of this. I’ve been miserable and I feel like an incredible weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
**
Just like he said, Hank had all of his things out of here that following Monday while I was at work. He left his key and that was the last of it. A year of my life that I can’t say I regret, but I sure as fuck wouldn’t go back and do it again. That part of my life is over and I’m starting new.
Now I just need to decide if I’m done being a coward. I’ve spent the last few hours debating what to do tonight. Just like she said, Poppy sent me a ticket to the show. A damn good ticket at that, front row, center. I have no idea if Fitz knows she sent it and it terrifies me. If he knows and I don’t come will he be disappointed or ecstatic? Or what if he doesn’t know and he sees me and he’s pissed I’m there? I just don’t know what to do, but considering I bought a new outfit, did my hair and makeup, I guess I’m leaning on going.
I look over at the ticket and smile. I’m done being a coward, this will end one way or another and I will just have to deal with whatever happens. No more hiding, no more running. I pick up the ticket and shove it into my pocket.
I look around at the guys while we sit in the back room waiting for our opening act to climb off stage. They all look the same as I do, in the zone. Before we go on, we like to have a good time. We hang out, have a few drinks, eat and laugh. But right before we go on the vibe changes. We are focused on giving our fans one hell of a show.
“Two minutes guys, get ready,” Poppy says, poking her head in the room before rushing back to the stage.
I take a deep breath and stand up, the others follow and I grin at them. “Let’s rock the fuck out of this place.”
They all agree and we walk out of the room. We stand on the side of the stage while the roadies set everything up for us. This is one of my favorite moments, waiting to go on. The fans are screaming, the lights are down and the excitement palpable. It never gets old and I still get butterflies in my stomach before rushing out.
“Are you ready for Renegade?” Tony, the owner of our label yells into the mic. The crowd goes insane and he laughs. “I can’t hear you. I said are you ready for Renegade?” It gets so loud with the screams, whistles, clapping and stomping, that if Poppy didn’t give us a shove, I’d have no idea we were supposed to go.
We rush onto stage and the spotlights hit us. The level of noise gets louder, and I didn’t think that was possible. While the guys get set up with their instruments, I pick up my guitar, place the strap around my neck and sling it behind my back. I smile looking out at the huge crowd. It always amazes me they’re here for us, truly amazing. When the level of noise goes down just a bit, I grab the microphone and tap it.
“Hello Los Angeles,” I yell into the mic and they scream again. I laugh and slowly walk back and forth across the stage. “Are you guys ready for a great show?” They once again get to a deafening level and I look back at the guys. Each of them is smiling as big as me and I nod my head, just to acknowledge how fucking proud I am. “How about we start with a favorite,” I say and clip the mic back on the stand.
We play a few of our older songs, ones that are still some of their favorites and then we play a few off our new album. I’m already dripping with sweat and ready to pull my shirt off. I do it at every concert and the crowd goes crazy, especially when I toss it into the crowd. I figure we’ll do another few songs before I do that though.
“Before we go on, let me just introduce the rest of the band.” Turning around to the guys, I introduce each one and they play a bit before standing and taking a bow. It makes me happy when they get the attention they deserve up here, because it’s sure as hell not just about me. I wouldn’t be here without them. I might be the front man, but these guys always have and always will have my back.
Looking out into the crowd while we play another favorite I watch them singing along. It’s an indescribable feeling, to see them sing word after word with me. It makes me so fucking proud. Scanning the crowd you can’t believe the different people. Some are young, some older, couples, friends, big dudes and geeky nerds. Our music is listened to by just about everyone. I chuckle when a bra lands on stage and when I bend down to pick it up, the wind is knocked out of me. For the first time in my career, I simply stop singing. For a brief moment, I’m back in New York and the most beautiful green eyes I’ve ever seen are locked on mine. Brooklyn.
With my heart pounding, I try to quickly recover and just finish off the song, never once taking my eyes off of Brooklyn. It’s unfucking believable that she’s here. Seeing her again, it’s like she never left. I want to end this concert and pull her onto the bus with me, worship her body and finally listen to the sounds she would make. I want to hold her in my arms and never let go. Shaking my head to clear these thoughts, reality hits, remembering she’s got a boyfriend and she’s the one who walked away from me.
When I finish the song, I put the mic on the stand. “We’ll be back in a half hour,” I say and rush off stage. I know it’s a song early, but I just need to get my head on straight before I continue. Seeing Brooklyn has me all fucked up and I can’t be like that out on stage.
“What the fuck, man? Why did you do that, we had another song,” Ethen says, rushing off behind me.
“Shut the fuck up, Ethen. Fitz, what’s wrong?” Nate says, wrapping his arm around me as we go back into the small room.
I grab a water and down the whole thing, trying to wrap my head around seeing Brooklyn, my Brooklyn. I close my eyes and squeeze the back of my neck. “Fuck. I’m sorry guys,” I murmur and look up at them. “Brooklyn is here and it kind of fucked me up.”
I hear a collective round of ‘fucks’ before Ralph wraps his arm around me. “Alright, so now what?”
“Now we have security remove the problem,” Ethen says, taking a sip of his beer.
I slowly raise my eyes to look at him and I know he can see the anger in them. “Don’t ever call her a problem again. She’s not the problem, I am. I need to get my shit together,” I growl at him.
“Whatever,” he says and turns his back. “You di
dn’t seem to care so much when you were fucking those blondes,” he whispers, but I hear him loud and fucking clear.
I’m all over the place and he just crossed a line. I rush toward him and right before I get a swing in, Nate wraps his arms around me, holding me back. Ralph stands between us, but my face is still close to his. I’m so fucking pissed, it’s rolling off me. “You better shut the fuck up. That was a fucking mistake and I told you that,” I seethe.
“If you want Brooklyn, than stop being a pussy and go get her. I’m sick of watching you act like you died since she left. You haven’t been the same, and fuck, I know you’ve tried, but damn it.” He shakes his head and the anger has left and he pushes Ralph out of the way. “Fitz, go out there and sing that song. You two belong together. Fucking fight for her.”
I push Nate off me and go to the other side of the room. He’s right, I’m being a pussy. I’ve never let a woman get to me like this and she got to me. Until this moment I didn’t know how to deal with it, but Ethen of all people, has a point. It’s time for me to fight for her. I don’t give a fuck about her boyfriend, he’d never be able to give her everything I can. There is no way he feels the way I do or he wouldn’t have let her go to New York alone or to this concert alone. He’s a fucking fool and I’m about to steal her away.
Right as I’m about to tell them, Poppy rushes in. “What the fuck happened out there?” she questions, looking right at me.
I clear my throat and shove my hands in my pockets. “Brooklyn is here,” I say.
A huge smile breaks out on her face. “She is?” she asks, but I suddenly feel like she knew.
“Did you know she was coming?” I take a step toward her with my eyebrows raised.
She taps her finger on her chin and looks around. “Hmm, did I know? Well, no I didn’t know for sure if she was here, but I did send her the ticket. She’s been miserable,” she says, looking generally sad.
“That’s about to change.” I look around at everyone and they grin, they know. “Let’s keep the set how it is, except add the new single at the end. It’s only fitting tonight it’s heard for the first time.”
Renegade Page 13
