Royal Pains

by CN Thornton

  After she reassured me everything was fine, I sat forward in my seat to get a better look at Bash.

  "What party?"

  "It's the first weekend of June. You know we always celebrate Pride month the first weekend of June."

  He was right. I had lost track of the week with all these obligations I’d had to uphold.

  June was Pride month and we always spent every weekend celebrating together. The first weekend was bar week, the second was the festival, and weekend three was a three-day party at our place. The fourth weekend usually ended with us going to Vegas or Los Angeles.

  It was crazy, but a lot of fun and we made plenty of memories during those weekends.

  "I can't go out tonight because I have that dinner tomorrow and my mother—"

  Bash pressed a finger to my mouth to silence me. "Exactly. That is why the party is coming to us. I already sent out the text and Facebook announcement so there is nothing you can do but enjoy it."

  I groaned in defeat. "You are a clever bastard, you know that?"

  "Why, thank you." He flashed me his infamous crooked smile.

  When Sebastian and I went home, a notice was there letting Sebastian know a few packages had been delivered while he’d been gone. Not like we could have missed the three large boxes.

  "Party supplies?" I asked as he disappeared into the kitchen and quickly returned with a small knife.

  "Of course—same thing every year. Getting quite predictable, aren't I?" he teased.

  He pulled the flaps open on the top box and let out an elated sigh. "Alcohol for the mixed drinks." He reached his hand inside and retrieved a sharp-looking bottle. "This is for you."

  I turned the bottle over in my hands. "Thanks..."

  "It's Macallan M Scotch. We drank it at my parents’ anniversary dinner a month ago and you said you enjoyed it so I thought I'd buy you one."

  "Oh, that! I've been looking for it everywhere and had no luck!"

  "That's because it's very expensive and made in Scotland. My parents purchased it when they went to the United Kingdom to see about expanding their business to London."

  I turned the bottle over in my hand and then took it into the kitchen so I could put it away in our liquor pantry, which was a small, temperature-controlled walk-in closet with a glass-paned door. We always kept it generously stocked—mixed-drink spirits front and center, wines at the bottom and the top shelf whiskey and rums at the top.

  My Macallan M Scotch was worthy of its place at the top and I smiled when I placed it there.

  "So, where is this drink list you’re going on about?" I called to him.

  This was going the be the first year that Bash showcased his mixology skills. The previous years, we’d had one of his bartender friends moonlight for us. He’d moved away in September, and that had been when Bash started getting more into refining his mixology skills.

  "It's on the counter; can't miss it," he called back.

  I turned and there, on rainbow-colored paper, was a long list of drinks.

  I began to read:

  “The Dick Sucker

  Wet Pussy Shot

  Six Cycle

  Kim John Un Nuclear Bomb

  Cum Shot

  Chocolate Blow-job Shot

  Rainbow Shots

  Spiked Slurpees

  Giant Gummy Bear Cocktail

  Red Whore Passion

  Blue Balls Shot

  Golden Shower Bomb”

  "Oh my god, SEBASTIAN!" I shouted.

  All I heard from the other room in response was him laughing hard. "I put the Wet Pussy Shot in there just for you," he eventually called back.

  I slammed the paper down on the counter and stomped into the living room.

  "Half those drink names are so inappropriate," I snapped.

  "Exactly why they are on there. It's a party—what people go to when they want to be inappropriate. If I wanted morals I'd be throwing a wine mixer where we would talk about the money sitting in our banks and the thread-count of our clothes. Plus, I wanted to hear you ask for a wet pussy at some point tonight," he half-laughed.

  I smacked him in the shoulder and he pulled me into a head lock, giving me a noogie that turned into play wrestling and ended with Bash sitting on me while I lay face-down on the carpet.

  Tonight was going to be a good night.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  "Hey! You made it!" I greeted cheerfully as Lora, an old friend of ours, entered the room.

  Lora had been in her final year when Bash and I had started our first. A mutual elective class had pushed us together for a group assignment, and we’d spent a lot of time together after that.

  It was Lora who’d even landed us our first photography gig with her cousin, the second runner-up in the Miss America Pageant that year.

  "I wouldn't miss it for the world." She grinned as Bash brought her in for a hug.

  Lora then moved to hug me and I stepped back when I felt something press up against my stomach. Glancing down, my eyes widened.

  "You're..." I couldn't finish my words as I stared at the large mound that was now her midsection.

  "Yes, twenty-seven weeks with my first." She rubbed circles on her belly and smiled.

  "So, who’s the lucky guy?" I asked.

  "The lucky girl is Stevie."

  I gasped. "Girl?"

  The last time I had seen Lora, she’d been straight as a median line—now she was supposedly in a relationship with a woman and they were expecting a child?

  "Yeah, it just sort of happened. Max and I got in this huge argument after I caught him cheating. My ladies took me out for a night after to try and cheer me up and that's when Stephanie and I met. We’re married now." She flashed us her ring finger and grinned.

  "That's so amazing!" I took her hand in mine to get a better look at her ring. "She has great taste," I said as I released it.

  "So, how about you? Any gentleman or lady in your life?" she asked me.

  I pulled Bash into my arms and pressed my lips to his. "Yup, this handsome devil right here!" Bash blushed, caught off guard by my actions. "I mean, there’s no sex or anything. Just good food, good drinks and great times—but that is all I need."

  Lora laughed. "Platonopals do not count."

  "Hey, I'm nobody’s platonopal," Bash said as he wrapped his arm around my waist. "What we have is special and therefore deserves a special title." He paused. "We are friends without benefits."

  "Yeah, cause that’s so much better." I grinned.

  Sighing, Bash released his arm from around my waist and stepped back. "This is why we’ve been subjected to couples’ therapy."

  I raised my eyebrow at him. "What, are we married now?"

  "We could be." He snickered.

  Laughing, I shook my head. "See?" I jabbed my thumb in his direction. "This adorable thing here keeps me happy. As long as I have him, I don't need nor want anyone else."

  "Adorable?" Bash questioned. "I'm manly as fuck, thank you very much," he said, raising his nose up and putting his hand on his hip.

  The three of us broke into a fit of laughter.

  It was after seven when Bash brought everyone into the living room, drinks in hand, to vote on what game we were going to play.

  He had a large white board resting on my painting easel with a list of game titles written in numerous colors.

  Two Truths and a Lie

  Silent Charades

  Sardines

  How’s Yours?

  Cards Against Humanity

  King’s Cup

  Photo Scavenger Hunt

  "Okay you filthy bitches, you know the drill. Name on the paper, paper in the bowl," Bash called out.

  The sound of pencils against paper filled the room. When everyone had finished and the bowl was full, Bash began the count.

  "First vote goes to…" He smoothed out the slip of paper between his fingers and said, "Two Truths and a Lie."

  Using a black marker, I made a line beside it.

 
"You pull this one," Bash said, holding the bowl out to me.

  I reached my hand deep inside until my fingers scraped the bottom. After plucking out a piece of paper, I unfolded it and read out loud, "Photo Scavenger Hunt."

  The next was for Cards Against Humanity, followed by two consecutive votes for Sardines.

  By the time all the papers had been pulled, the votes stood as such:

  Two Truths and a Lie - 3

  Silent Charades - 2

  Sardines - 4

  How’s Yours? - 0

  Cards Against Humanity - 3

  King’s Cup - 0

  Photo Scavenger Hunt - 6

  "Looks like Photo Scavenger Hunt is the winner," Bash announced.

  "No surprise there." My friend Lianna laughed.

  Every year it was the same and we started out with the scavenger hunt—one of the most fun party games ever.

  Sebastian went online and printed out six copies of a scavenger list. Then he split everyone up into six groups of three.

  "We all know how this game goes. Find each item on the list, make sure at least one of you is posing with said item and take a picture. Once the list has been completed, you return here. First team back with their pictures is the winner," I explained.

  One by one the teams came up to grab their papers before they all dispersed, us quickly following suit. The rule was no personal cars—we had to go on foot.

  "First on the list, what is it Bashy?" Kimmi asked as we exited the building to meet the crisp air of the city at night.

  "Depends which we find first," he replied as he silently read the list. "Any shopping carts nearby?" He laughed.

  I snatched the paper from his hands and read it.

  1) Entire team in shopping carts

  2) Kissing a police officer

  3) Entire team sitting w/unknown family at restaurant

  4) Two team members pretending to be mannequins in a store display

  5) Posing with a statue

  6) Teammate posing with a Lamborghini

  7) Someone wearing more than five neon, glow-in-the-dark accessories.

  8) Male/female celebrity lookalike

  9) Entire team in a photo booth

  10) Someone carrying an exotic pet

  When I’d finished reading the list, I passed it to Kimmi, who went over it and then gave it back to Bash.

  "There’s a statue by the bathroom in the hotel and a photo booth across from it," he said.

  In a rush, we headed back inside. We took a picture of Kimmi with the statue of a griffin and then a selfie of the three of us in the photo booth by the restrooms before we ventured back outside.

  "Two down, eight to go. We got this; let’s go!" Bash exclaimed and we took off in a sprint down the street.

  "What next?" I called when we came to a stop a block over.

  I glanced up just as a police officer finished writing a parking ticket.

  "Kiss!" I exclaimed as I pointed at the police officer.

  Both Kimmi and I ran up to the male police officer and planted kisses on his cheeks—me on the right and Kimmi on the left. Bash quickly took the picture with his phone and the police officer stepped back.

  "Scavenger hunt, I presume?" the officer asked with a grin.

  Kimmi nodded her head. "Yes sir."

  "Normally I would have to write you up for assault, but I'll let you off with warnings since you two have put me in a good mood," he replied.

  "Come on you sexy bitches, we have a game to win!" Bash said.

  "Thanks, Officer Friendly!" Kimmi called over her shoulder as Bash tugged us across the street.

  We walked on for several more blocks before Bash stopped in his tracks.

  "Look!" He sighed happily. "I thought I'd never be this happy to see those fashion monstrosities that call themselves scene kids."

  "They’re about to get into a cab; stop them!" Kimmi shouted, then took off running in their direction.

  Bash and I chased after her, trying to keep up. Then I came to a sudden stop, having almost run into a woman who had stepped out of the boutique to our left.

  I moved to side-step around her, only to freeze when she turned around.

  I knew this woman. And she was the last person I wanted to see right now.

  My mother stood just feet from me, staring at me with a look somewhere between disgust and anger. Just seeing it melted all the happiness from my face, as if it had never existed.

  Being in her presence often did that.

  "What in God's name have you done to your hair?" she shrieked.

  I took a deep breath. "I dyed it. I wanted to try something new, that's all."

  She brought her hand to her chest. "You've gone and ruined everything. No decent man is going to want you now with your hair like that."

  "It's platinum blond, mother. It's not like I dyed it pink or blue."

  She ignored me and continued as if I hadn’t interrupted her.

  "You need to fix your hair."

  "Mom, if I put any more chemicals in my hair I will end up bald."

  "Bald... that's a great idea. We can cut it all off and you can just wear a wig until it grows back."

  I took a step back as she took a strand of my hair between her fingers. "Do not touch me. I'm not dying my hair and I'm not shaving my head, okay?"

  She held up her index finger to silence me. "You need to stop with this childish behavior; you do realize that your future depends on tomorrow? Now, the damage is done. You just get home and get ready for bed. You need to be at your best tomorrow," she said sternly.

  I rolled my eyes. "After tomorrow I am done with your high society bullshit. I am cutting every tie I have with you and you will never see me again."

  My mother brought her hand up and slapped me across the face. "You will not take such tone with me. Do you understand me?"

  I slapped her back. "Don't you dare hit me or I swear to God…" I threatened. "I'll ruin you, I swear to it!"

  My mother clutched at her reddened cheek with her hand as she looked at me in disbelief. "I can't believe I raised a daughter like you. You are a disgrace to this family," Sshe muttered before she turned and walked off.

  I stood in silence, watching her silhouette shrink until she turned a corner. Even after she’d been gone for nearly a minute, I just stared.

  It was Bash who eventually broke the silence. "What. A. Bitch," he said.

  "Calling her a bitch would be giving her a compliment she doesn't deserve." I shook my head. "I'm going to go home. See you tomorrow, Bash. Kimmi." I gave them both hugs and went to hail a cab.

  When I got home I did exactly as my mother had told me, for the millionth time in my life.

  I took a shower, making sure to clean myself thoroughly, got out and then braided my hair before I washed my face. When I was finished, I climbed into bed and closed my eyes.

  I didn't fall asleep right away, so I heard when everyone returned. I listened to them laugh as they continued with their party games, and I ached to be like them. To live a simple life. One that wasn't all planned out by someone else, like mine was.

  When I finally fell asleep, it was with tear trails drying on the delicate skin of my face.

  The next morning, I woke to a knock on my bedroom door. It was Bash, carrying a tray adorned with breakfast foods.

  "Morning, Sleeping Beauty," he said as he crossed the room and took a seat on the edge of my bed.

  I pushed myself into a sitting position with my back resting against the headboard. "Morning to you. How did the party go?" I yawned.

  "It was a success, but it wasn't the same without you there." He placed the tray on my lap. "Now, eat up; you have a big day ahead of you."

  I picked up the fork and speared a piece of sausage on the end. "The last big day," I said firmly. "After today, I am done with her. I mean it, Bash."

  He nodded his head silently and sat back.

  This struck me as odd, since he almost always—scratch that—he always had something to
say.

  I took a sip of the tea on my tray, taking my time to let its taste mull over my taste buds before I swallowed.

  Taking a deep breath, I spoke, "What is it?"

  "Don't go tonight," he rushed out. "Just cut her off cold-turkey."

  The thought itself was severely tempting.

  "I want to."

  "Then why don't you? It's easy. Just don't show up. It's what I'm doing—what I’ve done for a while now."

  I placed my hand over Bash's and smiled. "I know, but I am going to set her straight."

  A blank look crossed Bash's face as he looked at me. "You lost me."

  "I'm going to make her realize she needs me as much as I need her, if not more."

  Bash sat up straighter, an excited expression on his face. "Ooooh, details. Give me details."

  I took another bite of sausage and chewed slowly as I prepared to divulge my plan.

  "It took me until now to realize I had all the cards in my hand. The reason my mother plays marionette with my life is because it affects hers. To her, image is everything. If someone has a bad seed in their family, they have basically failed."

  Bash rubbed his hands together mischievously. "I think I like where this is going."

  "Well, tonight at the dinner I am going to pull my mother aside and give her an ultimatum. She will tell her friends that I will be leaving the country to do some note-worthy business, giving me the excuse to never go to her meetings ever again."

  "Oh, that is brilliant." Bash gleamed. "I honestly don't know why we haven't thought of that until now."

  "We? You mean me," I corrected.

  "Yeah, yeah, whatever." He waved his hand at me. "What happens if she says no?"

  "Easy. I give her no choice, and I set the terms. I will threaten to embarrass and ridicule her in front of her clan of robots if she says no."

  "Your cutthroat personality is turning me on a bit," he teased.

  I raised an eyebrow at him. "Keep talking like that and I’ll start to think your gayness is just an excuse to pick out my lingerie and see me naked."

  "Ouch!" He brought his hand to his chest as if I had wounded him.

  I grinned.