“I’m going to be honest with you. Because I never had a home or a family, I have a really hard time talking about personal stuff—the deeper stuff. I just...I don’t know, it probably sounds stupid, but I always feel like people are going to leave me soon anyway, so way waste time and emotions digging up my past.”
“Do you think I’m going to leave?”
“Nothing’s ever certain.”
She squeezed his hands and smiled up at him. “Some things are.”
He turned her back in the direction of the firehouse. “Name them. But I’m taking Jesus off the table right now because I know He’s the only certain thing in this life. We’re talking earthly things.”
“That’s hard for me to answer, too,” she said softly. “My parents divorced, so I can’t say marriage is a sure thing, but I still believe in love that can last a lifetime because I’ve seen it. Here in town there is Ida Ashby. She’s still devoted to her husband and he’s been dead for years. Then I have Caleb and Paige.”
“They’re not even married yet, so we don’t know what might happen.”
“Oh, I do. Caleb and Paige are both committed to each other for life. There’s no question about that.”
“You’re right. Some people do find friends who will stick by them no matter what. But I never have, and I probably don’t deserve that anyway.”
“Everyone deserves to be loved and cherished as is.”
“Everyone? Do you really think that?”
“Everyone.”
“So now I’m making you the doctor. Give me my diagnosis. How do we cure my inclination toward not trusting people or telling them about myself?”
“Each day you see me you have to tell me one personal thing about yourself.”
“Only one?”
“That’s all I’m asking for.”
“One a day could take a really long time.”
She bumped her shoulder against his. “I’m kind of hoping it does.”
“Can I do my first one now?”
“I’m taking you telling me you don’t like to open up as your one for the day, but you’re always allowed to tell me as many as you want.”
“Here goes. I like you Shelby Beck. I like you a lot.”
* * *
Shelby’s mind swirled as she tried to make sense of Joel’s words and behavior. He was treating her like a girlfriend—and she was treating him like she wanted to start a relationship with him. And he’d kissed her. It hadn’t been like any kiss she’d ever had. Joel’s touch had made the rest of the world melt away. She had never experienced a moment like that. Ever.
Oh, no. What had she done?
She could never have a romantic relationship with Joel. His questioning her about her long sleeves only minutes ago confirmed it. It was only a matter of time before he found out about her scars.
And what had made her make him promise to tell her something deep about himself every day? Then tell him she hoped they’d share a close relationship long-term.
Shelby dragged her hands through her hair.
She was walking a dangerous line, because she also didn’t want him to feel as if she was abandoning him the way he thought everyone else had.
Shelby, wake up!
Plain and simple, she was leading him on. Not in the way a girl did when she flirted with a guy she wasn’t interested in. She would never do something like that. Every part of her desperately wanted a relationship with Joel. But who was she kidding? He would reject her the first time he saw her scars. And he would see them or find out about them eventually.
Was it possible to at least be good friends even after a kiss like the one they had shared? Hopefully.
Thankfully, they didn’t talk on the way up the steep steps.
When they arrived at the top, she stepped out of his reach—just in case.
“I want you to know I’m happy for our friendship, too.” There. That sounded like a civil, nonromantic statement. “We should head back. It’s getting late and we both have to get up early tomorrow for the pancake breakfast.”
Joel nodded. “Now that you’ve seen the finances in Mr. Ashby’s account, do you think we’ll raise enough tomorrow to fill the gap that you need?”
“I have faith the money will come through.”
“Do you have more events planned in case you have to raise extra money? I’m not trying to be a downer, but sometimes you can have all the faith in the world and the thing you want to happen still doesn’t.”
Story of her life.
“It has to. We break ground on the church on Monday.”
“Already?”
“I don’t see a reason to delay.”
“Have you checked into the company and contractor you’re using?”
“They all seem nice enough.”
“Would you mind if I stopped by the site and checked up on them? It’s not that I don’t think you can handle it, but I know a little about construction.”
“I wouldn’t mind at all. Will you be there Monday?”
“If I can make it there during a break, I will. I’m on shift then.” They walked up the driveway to the station and the motion-sensor lights switched on. He stopped near her truck. “From what you’ve said, so much of your life is wrapped up in building the church. What will you do when it’s done?”
Move on. Heal. Live. “Focus on something else.”
“Now I’m the one asking for you to open up.” He smiled. “I’ve listened to you talk about staying near Caleb in your life up until now, choosing not to go to college to stay in Goose Harbor, and about this church. But Caleb’s getting married, Goose Harbor is changing and the church will be rebuilt. What then? You must have dreams.”
“I’m not sure. I love working with dogs, but you’re right. I’ve realized I probably shouldn’t count on it forever if something as small as a car wreck can ruin my business. I guess...I don’t know. Is that terrible?”
“Not terrible. Not at all. But it’s something you need to start thinking about.”
“I know.” She scuffed her foot on the ground. “It’s just...I’m having trouble knowing where to even start in the thinking process.”
“God has given you a lot of talents. You’re compassionate, loyal and you believe the best about people. But I think about the verse in the Bible where it says that to the person God gives a lot, a lot is required.” He put his hand on her shoulder. “I’m encouraging you to spend some time with the Lord and search out what serving Him with your talents looks like in the future. That’s all.”
“You’re a good man, Joel Palermo.”
He gave her a half smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Drive safe and sleep well.”
“You, too.” She climbed into the truck and headed off. In the rearview mirror, she saw Joel framed in the front door of the fire station, watching her drive away.
They could never be only friends, could they? Shelby’s heart told her no, but her heart would just have to learn how to deal with it.
Chapter Ten
“I have a request for chocolate chip pancakes at table seven. Hold the sausage.” Joel leaned against the counter and smiled at Maggie, who manned the stove top. Joel was relieved to have an excuse to sneak into the kitchen for a few minutes and duck away from the crowd. Sure, he was happy for Shelby. The room was packed, and there were even people who couldn’t find seats. Her event would raise all the money she needed. But being in a large crowd would never make it on to his top-ten-favorite-things list. Not even close.
He glanced through the doorway and saw Shelby and one of the older firefighters trying to get the attention of the crowd so they could announce the winners of the silent auction.
Conversation mixed in a steady hum in the room behind him, and in the kitchen the sound of grease frying was only slightly louder than the four women who rushed around making food.
Maggie used the back of her hand to shove her big, curly hair behind her ear, leaving a splotch of pancake batter on her cheek. “Table se
ven? If I’m not mistaken, that’s where the Holdens are sitting.”
“Maybe.” Joel shrugged. He’d been in town for close to a month, but he still didn’t know most people by name.
“Of course it’s the Holdens.” Chief Wheeler’s always-too-loud-voice made Joel jump.
Maggie nodded. “Then double helpings of chocolate chip pancakes coming their way.”
Wheeler rested a hand on Joel’s shoulder. “She would have done it for anyone, but the Holden children have seen a few rough years. The youngest was just declared cancer free. He deserves all the pancakes he can eat.”
The youngest couldn’t have been more than five or six years old. “I had no idea.”
“You’d be surprised by some of the stories you don’t know. There are plenty of people in this town who have been through great trials and pain in their lives. You’re not alone when it comes to that. I hope you realize that, son. You are never alone. Communities exist to support the other members in the good—like today’s event—and the bad, even when we bring about the bad ourselves.” Wheeler’s hand still rested on Joel’s shoulder. Suddenly, it felt very heavy.
Is that the impression he’d given the chief? That he was weak and had suffered? He hoped not. “Somehow I think everyone’s more eager to draw together for the good than when something bad happens.”
Wheeler shook his head. “Then I’m afraid you don’t know Goose Harbor well enough yet.”
“Don’t I?” He really should stop challenging his boss, but something about the large, always-smiling man reminded Joel of his old mentor, Charlie, and for a moment, he felt comfortable voicing his doubt.
Wheeler raised his eyebrows.
“Take the church, for example. Did the community come together after it burned down?” It wasn’t the question Joel wanted to ask. Would they forgive the man who burned it down? But he knew the answer to that one and didn’t want to hear it.
“They sure are now.” The chief gestured to the overflowing room.
“Yes, but why didn’t they do this all those years ago? Why wait until now?”
“Because it wasn’t the right time yet. You’ll see. When this church breaks ground on Monday, it is going to heal a whole lot of people in this town.”
“That’s what Shelby keeps saying, but it doesn’t make any sense.”
Wheeler nodded. “Especially Shelby.”
“Why do you say that?” Joel had tried to figure out why the church building meant so much to her, but had yet to come up with a reason.
“Sorry. You’ll have to ask her yourself.”
He would again, if he could catch her today. After their walk on the beach the previous night, Shelby fled home pretty quickly. Then this morning, she’d either been talking to someone or had been on the opposite side of the room from him whenever he looked for her. It was starting to feel as if she was avoiding him. Had the kiss scared her? Maybe she wasn’t interested in him. What if she’d only pretended to like him—as Caleb and so many of his foster families had?
She’s busy. Just busy.
Maggie slid a plate full of chocolate chip pancakes down the counter. “Who’s bringing this to table seven?”
“Look lively.” Wheeler shoved the plate into Joel’s hands and slapped him on the back. “Make sure to show your pearly whites. Brooding has its place, but there are some lovely ladies out there who would fancy seeing a fireman waiting on them with a bright smile. Who knows, you just might get a few smiles back.”
As instructed, Joel smiled as he dropped off the pancakes and then mingled with people at the next table, but it was for Shelby’s sake, not because of the chief’s ribbing. He wanted her event to be a success, and if that meant doing the rounds and laying on the fireman charm, he’d do it.
Even if the girl he was smiling for wouldn’t make eye contact with him.
* * *
Shelby scanned the crowd and spotted Joel. He tossed his head back and laughed at something Bree, a schoolteacher about his age, said. Shelby clenched her teeth for a moment before forcing the muscles in her jaw to relax.
Hadn’t she looked into her mirror at home and promised she’d only be friends with Joel? A friend had no reason to be jealous of his flirting with a cute, single schoolteacher. Yet the desire to go and tug him away from Bree’s company was there. Was it so bad to want him to save his best smiles for her?
Paige appeared beside her and squeezed her hand. “He’s pretty cute.”
“Bree seems to think so.”
“I wouldn’t worry about Bree. I have it from the horse’s mouth that she’s sweet on the IT guy at school.” Paige winked. Shelby had forgotten that Bree was Paige’s teaching buddy and they often spent time together outside school. Paige nudged Shelby in the side. “You know, he’s really shown that he has a servant’s heart with all the work he’s done for this event. I can see why you like him.”
“The IT guy?” Shelby knew Paige was talking about Joel, but didn’t want to tip Paige off to her feelings. Not when Shelby’s thoughts were so muddled and her heart hurt. If she started talking about him with her soon-to-be sister-in-law, she’d probably start crying, and that was the last thing she wanted to do, especially at the fund-raiser.
“Oh, please, I’m not blind.” Paige gestured to indicate Joel.
Shelby snatched Paige’s hand so people wouldn’t see them pointing at him. “You think I like Joel? It’s not like that.”
“You’ve sure been spending a lot of time together. And Caleb told me about going for a motorcycle ride.” Mischief danced in Paige’s eyes. “Swoon.”
“Ha. Caleb was mad I went.”
“I hate to say this about my soon-to-be hubby, but I’m going to let you in on a secret. As wonderful as Caleb is and as much as we both love him, he’s not always right.”
“You can say that again.”
Paige leaned in closer. “How about I repeat something else to you instead?”
“Why do I get the feeling I’m not going to like what you’re about to say?”
“The day we picked up your bridesmaid dress, I said you needed to open yourself up to the possibility of a man loving you romantically. I still believe that. And if I’m not mistaken, Joel’s already moving in that direction.” Paige tilted her head to indicate where he stood helping a group of high school kids from the youth group fill glasses of orange juice to pass out.
She watched him for a minute as he chatted with the local teens, and her heart pounded harder. Had she really kissed him last night? Yes. And she wanted to again. It wasn’t fair she had to give him up. He was exactly the guy she’d never let herself dare to dream about.
Shelby let out a breath. “You can’t say something like that when you’ve never even talked to him.”
“Sure I can. Anyone can tell, Shelb. The man hasn’t stop watching you all day.”
It was too much. She was going to start crying. If she couldn’t get Paige to stop talking about Joel, at least they didn’t need to do it in the firehouse.
Shelby grabbed Paige’s hand and dragged her outside where no one could see them. “If I tell you something, you have to promise not to tell Caleb.”
“I don’t know...”
“Promise.”
“Okay.” Paige crossed her arms and raised her eyebrows. It was almost funny because the petite woman couldn’t have looked intimidating if she had tried. “I won’t tell our favorite overprotective bear.”
“I kissed him. Joel. Joel and I kissed last night.”
“Eek!” Paige lunged forward and wrapped Shelby in a tight hug. “I’m so happy for you. I haven’t met him, but you know I’ve had a feeling about you two ever since Caleb told me Joel returned to town.”
Shelby applied gentle pressure to get Paige to let her go. “But it can’t be like that. You know I can’t have that sort of relationship.”
“Is this about what Caleb said the other day about him? Because your brother and I talked that over and he knows he was out of line to say you
shouldn’t be around Joel because of his rough past. By that logic, Caleb and I shouldn’t be getting married, because both of our parents had issues. Everyone does.”
“No offense, but I wasn’t listening to what Caleb said. I knew he was wrong.”
“Okay—then I’m confused.”
Shelby wrenched up her sleeve to show Paige the scar on her wrist. “What’s it going to take for you and Caleb to understand that everything comes down to this?” She shook her arm at Paige. “Because of this, I have to live in heartache knowing there’s a good man who cares about me and is interested in pursuing a relationship with me, but I have to turn him down. I have to exist in the same town, brushing shoulders with him knowing that if I didn’t have these burns we could be dating. Maybe even be planning a life together down the road. But I can’t. I’ll never be able to. And I have to look him in the eye and tell him we can’t be together, and then not give him a reason when he asks why.”
Tears burned twin trails down her cheeks. She shoved down her sleeve and used the fabric to mop her face. “And it hurts. It hurts so much, Paige. I don’t know if I can take it. I’m so tired of having to hide away my hopes and tell myself no. I didn’t get a choice. That fire set a course for my life, and I never got a say in it. I didn’t do anything wrong and it’s like I’m being punished for the rest of my life. Why does God do this to us?”
“Shelby, it doesn’t have to—”
Shelby swiped at her eyes. “You know, sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be involved in the church rebuild because, honestly, I still struggle with being angry at God about the fire. Why did He let me go through that? I was a child and I was praying. I went there that day because I had faith He could make my life better, and it just made my life worse. Forever. Sometimes I get tired of having a brave face and acting like I’m okay. I’m not.”
Paige’s voice was soft when she spoke. “I’m afraid I don’t have a good answer for you. There are so many things in this world I have questions about. Why does God let certain things happen? Like little Alex Holden in there—why did that tiny, sweet boy have to suffer through chemo? Why did Caleb have to go through losing his first wife in such a violent way when she was in the midst of serving people in need?”
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