The Fireman's Secret

by Jessica Keller

  The chief squeezed Joel’s shoulder. “Perhaps she’ll forgive you, like I have.”

  “You?” Joel finally looked up from the floor. “Forgive me? How? I can’t even forgive myself.”

  “The day you set that fire you were an angry and scared boy. You wanted a home, and every time you had hope, it was snatched from you. I consider myself a fairly good read of people and I don’t think you want to be that frightened boy anymore.”

  Wheeler stood and made his way to the long shelf running along the large window in his office. Every inch was packed with framed photos of firefighters. Some black-and-white prints. Some full color. A few were group shots that looked like they had been taken twenty years ago.

  He selected one in the back and handed it to Joel. The firefighter in the photo wore his blue honor guard uniform. “This is Brandon Moncado. He was twenty-seven when he rushed into a burning apartment building in nearby Brookside. Brandon saved a grandmother and the four toddlers she was babysitting. The building was old. Weak. It crumbled and many people became trapped inside. Including Brandon. He left a wife and a newborn son.”

  “I’m sorry for your loss,” Joel whispered the words automatically, but meant them more than he’d ever meant them before.

  “The truth is, I never knew Brandon on this side of life. For the most part, I don’t know any of the men on this shelf. But as first responders, they’re my brothers and they’re here so I can pray for their families like I’d want someone to do for mine should the worst ever happen.” He took the photo from Joel and returned it to the shelf. “They’re also here to remind me that firefighters are special. When everyone else is running away from danger, we run into it. We don’t balk from the hard parts of life, because we know how fragile it can be. Saving Shelby taught me that.”

  He sat in the chair across from Joel again. “You need to face your mistake head-on. No more hiding. Run at this problem with determination. Fight for the good in this situation. Treat it like a fire that needs to be put out. Do you understand me?”

  “I think so.” Joel ran his hands through his hair. “But what if the police arrest me?”

  “We’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Just know that I’m with you in all of this, no matter what happens. All right?”

  “Okay.” His hands shook. When God brought Joel back to Goose Harbor, Joel thought it was to set down roots in the one place that had always been home. But maybe he needed to return to give everyone in town closure about the fire. “What should I do about Shelby?”

  “You need to tell her as soon as possible.”

  “I will.”

  Wheeler nodded and then stood. He circled his desk and pulled a folder from a drawer. “I’ve been talking with some of the hotshot teams, and if you’re still willing to volunteer, we can have you on a flight to Colorado today.”

  “You’re not going to suspend me? What about the arson? I didn’t think you’d let me work after finding out about that.”

  “Remember, I knew about it when I hired you. You’re a good firefighter and an excellent EMT. The people in Colorado need you and I’ll happily send you out there backed by department resources.” He pushed the folder across the desk. “Here’s the information for the team you’re going to meet up with. Your plane ticket is in there, so don’t lose that folder.” Wheeler eased back into his huge leather chair. “You’re free to go.”

  “Thank you.” Joel took the folder and rose to his feet slowly. Should he say something else? He glanced in the folder. The plane left in four hours. That didn’t leave him much time to pack his gear and get to the airport.

  Wheeler was right about Shelby. Joel needed to tell her about the fire today, before he left. If something happened to him in Colorado...she deserved to hear the truth from him. Everything Caleb said on his wedding day came back to Joel. Dreams were worth chasing and Joel would be a fool to think the pain involved in confessing wouldn’t be worth it in the end. Perhaps Shelby wouldn’t want anything to do with him, but maybe it would help her heal to know God hadn’t hurt her that day. Joel had let her believe that lie for far too long. No more.

  He stepped into the hallway.

  “Palermo?” Wheeler called after him. “God has the best for you in all of this. Don’t you doubt that for one minute. That’s an order.”

  Joel braced his hand on the wall.

  Did he believe God cared about his best? Yes. For the first time in his life, he did.

  * * *

  Shelby tried to focus on the crew laying the foundation for the church. When she and Joel had first started talking building plans for the church, he had told her the foundation was the most important part. If something compromised it while it was being set, the whole church’s structure could weaken over the years. Miles had stopped by earlier—in full police mode—and checked over the contractor’s supplies. He’d been doing that a lot lately.

  By noon, the thermometer read ninety-six degrees. Who said it could be that hot in Michigan? She pushed up her sleeves a bit, letting her scars show. After speaking with Joel at the coffee shop, she’d decided to trust him and stop hiding under her long sleeves. People could love her as she was or choose not to be her friend. Their loss, right? Well, it helped to tell herself that anyway.

  She glanced at her phone and reread Joel’s text.

  Leaving for Colorado. Can I drop off instructions for Dante?

  So he was going.

  Her heart rattled in her chest. What if something happened to him? What if he decided to stay in Colorado?

  Before she had time to worry any longer she heard the rumble of his motorcycle. The sight of him in his fitted jeans, leather coat and shiny helmet made her heart pound even harder. No matter how long she was bound to know him, remembering that he chose to be with her would make Shelby catch her breath every single time.

  He pulled off his helmet and left it on his bike. “Looks like a lot of progress.” Joel pointed across the street to the church site.

  “Foundation work.”

  “Important stuff.”

  “My boyfriend tells me it’s the most important.” She winked at him.

  He looked to his left, out toward the lake. “Sometimes the smallest crack can ruin everything. Of course, big cracks can do a lot more damage right from the start.”

  She got the feeling he wasn’t talking about the church any longer. Maybe he never had been. “Do you have to leave tonight?”

  “I’m heading to the airport from here.”

  “So soon.”

  He nodded and then pulled handwritten instructions from his coat pocket. “This page has my crew number. If you want updates, watch the news because sometimes they’ll reference crew numbers. I won’t be able to answer my phone most of the time, so the news is the best way to stay up-to-date. Well, if you want to be.”

  She unfolded the page and ran her fingers over the number 178. “Of course I’ll want to be. Please be safe. I know it’s your job, but...” Shelby’s voice caught. “I’ll miss you so much.

  He took her arm and guided her to the end of the block, beside a meadow that would soon become the church parking lot. “I need to tell you something, but I’m afraid to.”

  Was it about...? She shook the thought away, no longer allowing herself to doubt that Joel was attracted to her despite her scars. “You can tell me anything. I trust you.”

  He turned to the side so she could see only his profile. “Don’t say that.”

  The pain laced in his voice caused fear to skitter down her back. “Joel, what’s going on?”

  “I love you.”

  Her lips instantly tugged into a smile and she took a deep breath. The summer air, perfumed with flowers, smelled sweeter than usual. No one had ever said those three words to her in a romantic way. She didn’t want to ruin the moment, but needed to say something because he looked so worried.

  She laid her hand on his arm. “That’s not something to be afraid of.”

  Joel faced her. “Tha
t’s not all I need to tell you. See, I wanted to say I love you before I tell you the other thing. You need to know how I feel in case I never get the opportunity to talk to you again.”

  “You’re scaring me. Please, just tell me whatever you need to.”

  “I’m the one who set the fire. The church. I burned it down.”

  Shelby stumbled backward as if she’d been struck. Her lungs closed in. She couldn’t take a breath deep enough to give her brain sufficient oxygen. Black spots darted into her vision.

  Not again.

  After the fire, she’d suffered from panic attacks, but it had been years since she’d had one. Only every once in a while, when she woke from a vivid nightmare of being stuck under the beam, did she experience an attack.

  Nightmares about a fire that Joel had set.

  He cupped her elbows and caught her when her knees buckled. “Shelb. Please say something. Do you need help? An ambulance?”

  Be strong. She’d faced the worst in life and come out the other end. She could face the man who had caused all her pain without passing out. She had to.

  Shelby shoved him away. “Don’t touch me. I don’t want you to touch me ever again.”

  “Shelby—”

  Ramming her finger into his chest, she allowed the ball of rage bubbling inside of her to fuel her words. “You ruined my life. You could have killed me. Is that what you wanted? Did you think it was funny?”

  “No. Please.” He reached for her, but she moved back. “I looked in the windows and didn’t see anyone. I would have never... I’m so sorry.”

  “I don’t want to hear it.”

  “Shelb—”

  “Stop! Don’t say my name. I don’t want to talk to you again.” She knew she should hear him out, but couldn’t stomach it. The pain from years of hiding and being held back in life spilled out of her. All the anger she’d held behind the dutiful smile of a loving sister and happy neighbor had found a target. And the bull’s-eye had a name and a face now. If she heaped her pain on Joel and blamed him for all the wrongs she’d experienced, then maybe she’d finally be free of it all.

  “Whatever you say.” He trudged back to his motorcycle and started to unfasten his helmet.

  Unable to restrain herself, she followed him. “I’ll still watch Dante because it’s not his fault you’re his owner. But I don’t need your help on the church anymore. You’re the last person who should be involved.”

  His shoulders fell as he faced her. “Did you ever actually care about me or was I just another hurt dog for you to take care of?”

  The look in his eyes made her chest sting. Joel had been pitied and abandoned his entire life. Even though she was upset with him, it took all the strength she had left to fight her desire to comfort him. “Don’t you dare make this about yourself! Honestly, I have no more words for you.”

  “Then I won’t take up any more of your time. God bless you, Shelby. I messed up a good chunk of your life, but I hope you know you deserve the best.”

  She turned away to hide her tears. Why did it have to hurt so much? She had cared for Joel—still did, if she was being honest. But how could they move forward with something like the fire between them?

  His motorcycle rumbled. The engine’s vibrations shook her body as he kicked it into gear and roared off. Long after she could no longer hear Joel’s bike, she stayed rooted in the same spot, tears streaming down her cheeks, ears straining to hear him return.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Maybe Shelby had changed her mind.

  When the plane touched down in Colorado, Joel checked his messages. Zero. Zip. Nothing. So much for wishful thinking.

  He grabbed his gear and found a man named Benny who had been sent to pick him up and bring him to the base site. Benny was a man of great beard and few words. An hour into their drive, thick black smoke began to cover the sky. After serving two years on hotshot teams, Joel knew the sight well and braced himself for the adrenaline rush that would come from charging into fires hundreds of miles long. Benny told him his crew would be heading out that evening.

  Joel’s phone vibrated in his pocket. Shelby? A man could hope. But he didn’t recognize the number. “Hello?”

  “Joel? This is Miles.” He cleared his throat. “Officer Reid.”

  “How can I help you?” Joel tried to keep his voice even so Benny wouldn’t know something was wrong.

  The smoke in the air now blocked out the sun.

  “Chief Wheeler stopped by the police department today and told me you confessed to the church arson.” Miles paused. “Is that true?”

  He could lie. Say Wheeler was out of his mind. Make up some story about it being a big joke. But then he wouldn’t be trusting that the situation could be worked out in a way that would bring glory to God.

  Joel propped his elbow against the window. “It’s true.”

  “I’ll need the confession in writing from you. It’ll be nice to finally close this case.”

  Benny turned the vehicle off the road and rolled down his window to talk to policemen stationed at a barricade. When they ducked to glance in the car, Joel felt like they could see his guilt, but they flagged the car through.

  “I’m not in town right now.”

  “Wheeler told me as much, but I’ll need to see you at the station when you’re back in town.”

  To make an arrest?

  Joel worked his jaw back and forth. He wanted to ask the question but didn’t want Benny to overhear. If the man discovered Joel was under investigation for a crime, he would strike him from the list of approved hotshots right away. Even if it hadn’t been arson... The fact that it was merely solidified his need to end the conversation with Miles.

  “I’ll let you know when I’m back in town.”

  “Joel?”

  “Yes?”

  “A lot of people wouldn’t have come forward for something like this. It shows you’re a man of character.”

  “Thanks, Miles.”

  “Be safe out there.”

  “See you soon.”

  That evening, as he tried to sleep on the hard concrete of a closed-off road with the rest of crew 178, Joel had a difficult time closing his eyes. Whenever he did, he saw Shelby’s face—cheeks red with anger and eyes flat as she’d shoved him away from her, telling him she never wanted to see him again.

  Maybe it was for the best. No, he was just telling himself that. He loved Shelby and wanted to be with her. During the entire flight to Colorado he’d prayed they could one day bridge all that separated them and become the answer to her prayer from fourteen years ago—a husband and wife who loved each other, and parents who would be there for their children. They could be the ones to change the legacy of their families if they were willing to put in a lot of hard work, have mountains of grace for each other and allow God free rein to work in their lives.

  It could happen. Maybe.

  He rolled onto his side, but it didn’t help. Firefighters slept on the roads for safety reasons. If the wind changed directions, the wildfire could move rapidly and unexpectedly. Concrete and asphalt didn’t start on fire instantly. If the wildfire changed course and came at the crew, being on the street would give them a couple of extra minutes to get to a safer place.

  Turning onto his back again, he tried to make out the constellations, but smoke blotted out most of the stars’ light. The air smelled like chemicals, more than likely a mixture of the buildings and personal belongs being swallowed by the fire. People’s dreams gone in seconds.

  But he wasn’t about to let another fire steal something so important to him.

  God, be with Shelby. Take care of her. Help bring healing to her life and show her she is loved just as she is.

  * * *

  “He’s going to be all right.” Paige handed Shelby an iced tea as she sank onto the plush sofa beside her.

  It hadn’t taken Shelby long to cool off from her fight with Joel. Unleashing years of hurt might have felt relieving in the moment, but it had be
en the wrong thing to do. Joel wasn’t the enemy—not really. A few days apart, a talk with Chief Wheeler and time spent praying had shown her that.

  Shelby kept her eyes on the television screen. She’d been so wrapped up in the church rebuild the past few weeks that she hadn’t realized how huge the Colorado wildfire had become. The blaze had gobbled up acres and acres of forest. Why hadn’t she paid attention when Joel had first brought it up?

  The church rebuild had stalled. It was still under way, but she was letting Chief Wheeler and Miles handle the details. They were better at keeping the contractor in line anyway.

  Besides, she didn’t need to see the church in one piece to feel whole again. That had always been the wrong way to think about her situation. Her healing hadn’t ever been tied to the church, but to her own stubborn heart. She’d slammed the door on all opportunities God had brought into her life, which could have led to healing. It wasn’t Joel’s fault, or her father’s or anyone else she’d blamed along the way.

  Only hers.

  What a wake-up call.

  While she still cared about the church rebuild, her attention had become focused on wanting Joel home safe and sound.

  Since Joel had left Goose Harbor, she’d spent most of every day holed up in his house with Dante. But being there kept him on her mind constantly so she’d talked Caleb and Paige into letting her and Dante come to their house in the evenings for company.

  Shelby sipped the iced tea but couldn’t have told someone what it tasted like. Her focus was squarely on the television. Why were they talking about baseball scores when the fire still raged?

  The front door to the house burst open and Caleb charged in. He stopped and looked both of the women over. “You don’t know, do you?” He sounded out of breath.

  Paige laid her hand on Shelby’s knee. “Don’t know what?”

  Bold letters reading Crew 178 now flashed on the screen.