Old Dogma New Tricks (The Elven Prophecy Book 2)

by Theophilus Monroe

  “Every one of them?” Layla asked.

  Brag’mok nodded. “There weren’t many, as you know. But I suspect he’s known where they were hiding for years. A hollow in the hinterlands.”

  I shook my head. “So he’s allied with the fairies to inspire the elves to attack the Earth?”

  “But if I can recover B’iff’s body and complete the rites, we might be able to close the gate before he has a chance.”

  “Then we’d best get going,” I said. “Too bad someone slashed my tires.”

  Brag’mok coughed into his hand. “Just a way to get your attention.”

  “We can travel the ley lines,” I said. “But we’d have to go to the gateway to do that, where the ley lines intersect.”

  “You’d better fly,” Layla said.

  “Oh, hell, no!” Agnus protested.

  Layla smiled. “You can come with me if you’d like. We’ll take an Uber.”

  “No need for that,” Brag’mok said. “I have an eighteen-wheeler.”

  “How’d you get that?” I asked, raising my eyebrow.

  Brag’mok shrugged. “Intimidated some guy at a truck stop.”

  “So it’s a stolen rig?” I asked.

  “Just borrowed,” Brag’mok said. “Don’t worry, the trucker won’t be telling anyone. And I’ve removed the tracking devices his company had on the vehicle.”

  “He won’t be telling anyone?” I asked. “Don’t tell me—”

  “I didn’t kill him,” Brag’mok said. “I have him in a cage in the back. I feed him a couple of times a day. Make sure he has plenty of water and a bottle to pee in.”

  “First, where the hell did you get a cage?” I asked.

  Brag’mok shrugged. “Took it from some pet store.”

  “Took it?” I asked. “As in, you stole it?”

  Brag’mok shrugged. “No one tried to stop me.”

  “Well, at your size, I doubt anyone would,” I said, shaking my head. “But all that’s beside the point. You’re going to have to let that guy go. He’s not some animal you can cage. He’s a human being.”

  “What’s the difference?” Brag’mok asked.

  I huffed. “Excuse me?”

  “No offense,” Brag’mok said.

  “See how it feels?” Agnus piped up. “When you put us in cages?”

  Chapter Thirty

  I couldn’t believe Brag’mok had been keeping a human like a pet in the back of a stolen rig. Thankfully, it was springtime. Not so cold or hot that the poor guy would either freeze or bake to death.

  “We’re going to the gate,” I said. “After we let this guy go.”

  “But Caspar,” Layla said. “If we do that, he might go to the police.”

  I shook my head. “Probably not before you get to the elven gate. By the time he gets there and tells his story, the police would have to mobilize. And without any idea where we’re going, it’s not like they’d find the rig immediately. Besides, I have an idea.”

  “We need to hurry,” Brag’mok said. “No time for this.”

  “I’m not letting some poor guy stay in a cage any longer. It’s not okay, Brag’mok.”

  “But he’s right,” Layla said. “The fate of the world might be in the balance.”

  I sighed. “It’s been how long now since B’iff died, and King Brightborn hasn’t sent anyone for the body yet. I think we can spare five minutes. What good is it to save the world if we lose our humanity in the process?”

  Brag’mok shrugged. “I’m not human.”

  “Technically, I’m not either,” Layla said.

  “But you’re good,” I said. “Both of you. That’s what I mean by humanity. It isn’t a question of DNA. It’s a matter of basic decency. Besides, I have an idea, and if you two insist on arguing with me about this, it’ll only delay us further.”

  “Fine,” Brag’mok said. “Release the human, but make it fast.”

  I nodded.

  Brag’mok showed us where he had the eighteen-wheeler he’d stolen stashed. Thankfully, it didn’t have any notable markings that would make it easy for the police to quickly identify it.

  “When we go back there,” I said, “show yourselves to him.”

  “You mean,” Brag’mok said, “without covering my face?”

  I nodded. “And Layla, make sure he sees your ears. I’ll bust in, throw some light magic around. You two act like it hurts.”

  “Why do you get the play the hero?” Layla asked.

  “Because I’m human,” I said. “It makes sense.”

  Brag’mok shrugged. “Why not just let him go?”

  “From his perspective, it’ll look like an elf and an orc were in there, and some wizard came and rescued him. Fat chance the police will buy his story even if he’s bold enough to tell anyone about it. And if I appear as a hero and ask him not to tell anyone, tell him I’m handling it.”

  “You’re betting he’ll choose to take your word for it over appearing delusional to the police,” Layla said.

  I nodded. “If the cops think he’s crazy enough to be a danger to anyone, they could have him committed. Probably not something he’d like to risk. Particularly not if his hero asks him to stay quiet.”

  “Ok,” Brag’mok said. “Let's do this, but we need to make it quick. Layla, we’ll show ourselves. Act like we’re about to put him to sleep.”

  “What about me?” Agnus asked, snuggled into Layla’s arms.

  I shrugged. “Layla, pet Agnus maniacally. Totally cliché villain shit.”

  Layla raised her eyebrow. “How do you pet something maniacally?”

  “No cutesy-poos or I love yous. Just long, casual strokes down his back. You know, like Blofeld from the James Bond movies.”

  “I don’t know the reference,” Layla said.

  I sighed. “Like Doctor Evil and Mister Bigglesworth from Austin Powers.”

  By the look in her eyes, I could see a light bulb went on. Go figure, she hadn’t seen any of the older Bond movies, but she had seen Austin Powers. “Just stand in the back. Make sure that the light makes you a silhouette and the guy back there can see your ears. Totally creepy, but it’ll look like you’re the mastermind and Brag’mok is your henchman.”

  “Who happens to be an orc?” Layla asked.

  “A giant,” Brag’mok corrected.

  “He won’t know the difference,” I said. “Doesn’t matter what he thinks you are, he’ll be scared as hell. Presuming he hasn’t seen your face yet.”

  Brag’mok shook his head. “He hasn’t.”

  “All right,” I said. “Let’s do this. Layla, start talking about how it’s time to eliminate the humans, yadda yadda. Then I’ll show up and start throwing light around. Act like it burns and take off running. Both of you.”

  The charade went off as planned. Brag’mok busted into the back of the tractor-trailer and Layla stood toward the back in silhouette, petting Agnus.

  “Kill the human,” Layla ordered. “We can’t leave any loose ends.”

  Brag’mok grunted. “Gladly.”

  Then I heard a girlish scream. The trucker, whoever he was, had probably pissed his pants by now.

  The shriek was my cue.

  I focused and drew in a little magic, visualizing it forming as a golden light in the palm of my hand.

  I opened my eyes and it was there. Pretty cool, actually. Couldn’t feel anything other than a slight tingle and a subtle warmth.

  I leaped into the back of the rig and charged Brag’mok, waving my light at him.

  He screamed, sort of. It sounded more like a cow in heat, but it was enough to get the idea across.

  I turned and looked at Layla. “I’m coming for you next!” I shouted.

  Layla took off running, Brag’mok behind her. His steps shook the rig as he ran out the back.

  I held the magic in my hand and looked at the man, who was still stuck inside what looked like a dog cage.

  At least a dozen packets of ramen noodles sat around him. All Brag�
�mok had given him was uncooked ramen? Reminded me of college.

  “I’m getting you out of there,” I said.

  “Thank you!” the man said, tears in his eyes. “What the hell were they?”

  “Not from this world,” I said. “But don’t worry. I’ll handle them.”

  “And what are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”

  “Just a friend,” I said. “They won’t bother you again. I’ll make sure of that. Mind telling me your name?”

  “Dwight,” the man said.

  I smirked.

  Dwight sighed. “You’re picturing Rainn Wilson’s character from Office Space, aren’t you?”

  I had to admit I was. “Sorry, I couldn’t help it.”

  “That fucking show ruined my life. ‘Dwight’ was a perfectly decent name until that show made a total joke of it.”

  I shrugged. “If it means anything, Dwight was my favorite character.”

  “Never mind,” Dwight said, crawling out after I unlatched the hatch on his cage. He stretched as he struggled to his feet.

  I took him by the arm. “You okay, Dwight?”

  “Yeah, it’s just my legs are cramped. A little bit asleep. I’ll be fine.”

  I nodded. “You’d best get out of here. Mind if I borrow the truck so I can chase down the ones who took you?”

  “I need my rig back.”

  “There’s a truck stop two miles down the road,” I said. “Go there, get yourself a shower and something decent to eat. I’ll bring it back to you in a few hours. Deal?”

  “Yes,” Dwight said. “I can do that.”

  “One more thing,” I said.

  “What’s that?” Dwight asked.

  “Don’t tell the police about this,” I said. “They won’t believe you anyway, and they’d only get in the way of me stopping that elf and orc.”

  Dwight shook his head. “I suppose that makes sense. I don’t believe it!”

  “That elves and orcs exist?” I asked.

  “And wizards! You’re like Gandalf!” Dwight said. “What are they after?”

  I looked at Dwight as seriously as I could. “One ring to rule them all.”

  “Holy shit,” Dwight said. “Are there hobbits, too?”

  I nodded. I didn’t know that there were hobbits, but at this point, I couldn’t rule out the possibility. It seemed like I was learning about a new mythic species every month, so it wasn’t a total lie. If he wanted to think the plot of The Lord of the Rings was playing out in the real world, I could roll with it.

  Dwight made his way to the end of the tractor-trailer. I hoped Layla and Brag’mok had had enough sense to hide somewhere. If they were just hanging out and waiting, it would spoil the ruse.

  “Like I said,” I continued, “wait at the truck stop. I promise I’ll return your rig in a few hours.”

  “Go get ‘em, Gandalf!” Dwight shouted as he leaped from the back of the rig.

  I jumped out behind him and headed for the cab. “Thanks,” I said, smiling. “I might have to start working on that beard, though, if people are going to start calling me that.”

  “Would you prefer Harry Potter?” Dwight asked. “Or Merlin?”

  “Merlin is cool,” I said. “But not Harry Potter. Or Dumbledore.”

  “Doctor Strange!” Dwight exclaimed.

  I nodded. “That works for me. Either way, but like I said, don’t tell anyone. Especially not the police. Let me handle this, okay?”

  “You got it!” Dwight said. “See you in a few hours?”

  I nodded. I reached into my pocket and handed Dwight a twenty-dollar bill. “I don’t know if you have any money on you, but help yourself to a decent meal while you wait.”

  “Thank you,” Dwight said. “I think I still have my wallet in my back pocket.”

  “But no phone?” I asked.

  Dwight shook his head. “Left it in the cab before that ogre grabbed me.”

  I chuckled. “Ogre.”

  “Was that Shrek?” Dwight asked. “Like, the real Shrek?”

  I shook my head. “Not exactly. But don’t worry. I’ve got this.”

  Chapter Thirty-One

  I’d never driven a semi. Thankfully, this one had an automatic transmission. I’d driven a stick before. My dad had gotten me a manual transmission for my first car, said it was important I learned how to drive it. One of those old-school ideas. You know, like learning to do math with pen and paper instead of using a calculator or a calculator app as was more often the case these days.

  Thankfully, I didn’t have to drive too far. Just far enough to keep up the charade and ensure I was out of sight of Dwight.

  I texted Layla and let her know where to meet me—about a half-mile down the road from where we were parked.

  Thankfully, that was the direction they’d gone anyway, so we regained a little of the time our lack of foresight when I cocked up my half-baked plan to free Dwight might have cost us. But I was rushed. I hadn’t had much time to think through the after.

  It worked out anyway.

  “I think you should ride with us,” Layla said. “If you fly there, what if you run into elves at the gate?”

  “He can handle it,” Brag’mok said.

  I raised my eyebrow. “One or two, maybe. If I use magic.”

  “And your training,” Brag’mok said. “Remember your training.”

  “Still,” Layla said. “I think it’s best we arrive together. In case there are elves, and you’re wrong and they stop Caspar.”

  “Not to mention,” I interjected, “the morning rush-hour traffic is going the opposite direction right now. We can probably make it there in fifteen or twenty minutes. Not sure I could fly there much faster.”

  “I see your point,” Brag’mok said. “I can’t retrieve B’iff’s body without your help, Caspar. Maybe we should show up together.”

  Layla nodded. “Right.”

  “Okay,” Brag’mok said. “But I’m driving.”

  “No arguments here,” I said. “This isn’t at all like driving my Eclipse.”

  “Yes,” Brag’mok said. “Even if this truck lost four tires, it would probably be okay.”

  “Not the point,” I said. “But thanks for reminding me of that.”

  “You’re welcome,” Brag’mok said, apparently failing to detect the sarcasm in my voice. Despite how much I appreciated what he’d done, I was still mildly resentful about the whole tire situation. I mean, really? It had been completely unnecessary.

  Brag’mok drove like a bat out of hell. Not especially smart, I thought, because if we got pulled over for speeding, he didn’t have a driver’s license. Also, the police would probably freak the fuck out if they stared my giant of a friend in the face. I mean, I’d been exposed to all this stuff gradually. My first encounter with a giant, with B’iff, had been in a dark alley. I had been stabbed. Layla had healed me, and elf ears weren’t so shocking, especially after the Order of the Elven Gate was established. In short, exposing me to the realities of the other world had been like boiling a lobster in water. They say that when you put a lobster in a pot and start turning up the heat, the change happens so gradually that the lobster doesn’t even realize it should try to escape. It boils to death before realizing it was ever in jeopardy. Not that being here had killed me or anything, but it came at me slowly and gradually enough that I didn’t notice until I was consumed by my new reality. Some random cop comes face to face with Brag’mok? I couldn’t imagine how he would react. Not to mention, if I was caught riding in a stolen rig, I’d probably be arrested. If that happened, so much for being available for any world-saving activities.

  “Dude,” I said. “Try to stay no more than five over the speed limit. You don’t want to get pulled over.”

  Brag’mok shrugged. “If the police pull us over, I will handle it. I still have the cage in the back.”

  I snorted. “Yeah, probably not the best idea.”

  “Did the other human finish all his soups?” Brag’mok
asked.

  I chuckled. “First, they weren’t soups. Without boiling water, they’re barely edible. And even when they’re cooked, ramen is devoid of any real nutritional value. But second, feeding the cop isn’t my concern. It’s well, the whole idea of trying to put a cop in a cage. It wouldn’t end well even if you got away with it.”

  “Relax,” Layla said. “We’re almost there anyway. The cops are more focused on the other side of the highway where all the traffic is.”

  I sighed. “You’re probably right, but it’s just not worth the risk.”

  “Neither is wasting any more time,” Brag’mok said.

  Thankfully, we made it without any intrusions by law enforcement.

  I released a sigh of relief.

  Then we climbed out of the truck and onto the ground.

  The last time we’d been at the confluence of the Meramec and the Mississippi, we’d faced off against Hector, along with King Brightborn and his legions.

  At least, the last time we’d been there together.

  Layla had passed through the gate recently, and Brag’mok had too since the last time I’d been there.

  And Layla had checked on the gate periodically ever since.

  I hadn’t had any reason to come back. I had no plans to journey off-world, and still lacking real combat expertise, I wasn’t going to go there alone in case I ran into any elven legions on their way to assault the world.

  So far, they hadn’t tried that.

  When I was there before, I could see the magic swirling in the water where the gate was.

  It was not visible to everyone, but anyone who had any experience wielding magic or had a sensitivity to it could see it: elves, giants, me, probably the fairies.

  “I don’t understand,” I said. “I don’t see the gate.”

  Layla sighed. Brag’mok grunted.

  “I told you,” Brag’mok said. “We needed to hurry.”

  “What happened?” I asked. “Why is the gate gone?”

  “Because they’ve already retrieved B’iff’s body.”

  “If you couldn’t do it without my help, how could they?” I asked.

  “Fairies,” Layla said. “Remember, my father is allied with the fairies.”