Old Dogma New Tricks (The Elven Prophecy Book 2)

by Theophilus Monroe

  “I have no clue how it works,” I said. “And there’s no way I could.”

  “But there are some who could. They understand the magic, what you humans call science, that works together in a complex way to transmit images and sounds through the air from one device to the next.”

  “I can see why you’d call that magic,” I said. “I guess in a way it is.”

  “It is precisely a kind of magic,” Ensley said. “Nothing you humans invent is original. You don’t make things out of nothing. You rely on the Earth’s energies and elements. You harness the Earth’s power to do your bidding. You call it technology, but that’s what magic is.”

  “But what we ask is possible, right?” I asked.

  “Of course it is,” Ensley said. “Give me another can of silly string.”

  I reached into one of the Walmart bags and tossed him another can. Impressively, he grabbed it out of thin air. Since the can was nearly his height, the fact that he could hold it, much less stay in the air with it, was more than a little impressive.

  He turned the can toward his face and squirted it into his mouth.

  Then he exhaled it out his nose.

  “Disgusting!” Layla said.

  “Feels incredible,” Ensley said. “Clears the sinuses.”

  I cleared my throat. “So, you were saying we can access fairy power?”

  “Definitely,” Ensley said. “You said that there are some humans, a rare few, who might know how to make one of those devices you carry around from scratch. They have all the knowledge necessary. If the world ended tomorrow, eventually they could find a way to manufacture them again.”

  I took a deep breath. “I suppose there are some folks who have that knowledge.”

  “But they’d also need the right materials,” Ensley said. “The world ended tomorrow, they’d have to start with basic materials. They’d have to first learn to harness electricity again. They’d have to acquire all the necessary materials. They’d have to refine the metals and wires. The world blows up tomorrow and one scientist survives with all the knowledge, he isn’t going to start churning out smartphones a day later.”

  “Of course not,” I said. “Are you trying to say that you can or can’t teach us how to wield fairy magic?”

  “I can give you the knowledge,” Ensley explained. “But you have to start with the basics. You can’t just make portals or supercharged artifacts overnight.”

  “We don’t have time for that,” Brag’mok said. “Surely there’s another way. A shortcut?”

  Ensley shook his head. “There aren’t any desirable short-cuts. Not any you’d want to pursue, anyway.”

  “How do you know what I’d be willing to pursue?” I asked.

  “It would change you, human. I’d have to wield it through you.”

  “Wield your magic through me?” I asked.

  “Think of it as a possession,” Ensley said. “I’d burrow beneath your skin and join our minds.”

  “How would you do that?” I asked.

  “I’d have to tap into your spine.”

  “How would that change him?” Layla asked.

  Ensley shrugged. “When minds meld and are then separated again, something of each person is left with the other.”

  “So it would change you, too?” I asked.

  Ensley nodded. “Anything you’re hiding, any secrets you have, I’d learn them. Any beliefs you hold, I’d understand them. The same would occur to you in reverse, and that’s not even accounting for the potential side-effects.”

  “Side-effects?” I asked.

  “Headaches. Blurred vision. Slight memory loss. Hard to say for sure.”

  “How has it impacted other people you’ve done this to?” I asked.

  Ensley shrugged. “Well, you’d be my first, so I can’t say.”

  “Caspar,” Layla said. “You don’t have to do this. We can find another way.”

  “You might be able to wield enough power to open the gate to New Albion,” Brag’mok said. “But to recharge our planet’s ley lines?”

  I shook my head. “Just opening the gate isn’t enough. We need full fairy power. We need to save your planet and give the giants a shot at thwarting your father, Layla.”

  “But your mind, Caspar. If you aren’t yourself when this is over…”

  “Layla,” I said. “You’re the one who told me you have faith in me. You had faith in me from the beginning because you believed in the prophecy. If you still think I am the chosen one and I still have at least two seals of the prophecy to complete, you have to believe.”

  “I do. It’s just terrifying.”

  I smiled. “You’re not the one letting a fairy inside your head. Trust me, I’m not thrilled by it either.”

  “No pranks while you’re in there, Ensley,” Layla said.

  “I would never!” Ensley said, feigning indignation at the suggestion.

  “You’re sure, Ensley, that you know how to do the two spells we need?” Layla asked. “To open the gate and charge an item with enough magic to heal New Albion?”

  Ensley shook his head. “It’s all theory. There’s a reason the fairies haven’t traveled freely between the worlds. The kind of magic we’ll be using isn’t just fairy magic, it’s the magic the ancients wielded when fairy magic combined with the power humans wield naturally in communion with the Earth. By our powers combined…”

  “I am Captain Planet!” I interjected.

  Everyone looked at me with raised eyebrows and cocked heads.

  “Sorry,” I said. “Reference to an old-school cartoon.”

  “As I was saying,” Ensley said. “It is a combination of our powers. The ancient druids wielded our power, which they learned to control when we offered it to them. In this case, I’d be possessing Caspar so I could wield his power together with mine.”

  “You’re sure that approach will work?” Layla asked. “With you pulling the strings instead of him?”

  “It should,” Ensley said. “But like I said, never done this before.”

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Having a fairy burrow under your skin isn’t a painless experience. It was what I imagined it must’ve felt like when people got taken by the Goa'uld in Stargate. Except, in this instance, I didn’t immediately lose my free will or have any universe-conquering aspirations. On the contrary, my desire was still firmly fixed on saving the world.

  But I did suddenly have access to a wealth of practical joke ideas. Ensley’s mind was like an encyclopedia of ways to annoy your friends and piss off others.

  So many memories. So much knowledge. I couldn’t begin to absorb it all. Maybe it would take time. It was just too much, so I accessed whatever was on the forefront of his mind.

  Mostly pranks.

  Ketchup packets weren’t the only thing that could go under a toilet seat. Snap-pops were on Ensley’s list of similar pranks. Injecting donuts with Miracle Whip. Replacing the filling of someone’s Oreos with toothpaste. Painting the bar of soap with clear nail polish. The possibilities were endless. I felt fortunate at the moment that I’d only experienced a handful of them and that he had never put scorpions in my underpants. It could have been worse.

  “You in there?” I asked, touching over the place at the base of my spine where he’d burrowed inside me. It was smooth. Surprisingly, his entry hadn’t left so much as a mark.

  I was still a little sore, though. Tender, like the skin was chafed. All in all, though, it had been relatively painless.

  I heard a giggle in my head.

  “What are you laughing about?” I asked.

  Layla was looking at me curiously. She could only hear what I was saying, of course, and was oblivious to everything going on inside my head.

  There’s no way your sixth-grade teacher’s boobs were that big! Ensley exclaimed.

  “It’s just how I remember it,” I said, shaking my head. This was going to be awkward. I’d had my share of embarrassing situations and thoughts. Things I’d never told
anyone. And now, the trickster fairy who’d been wreaking havoc on my life not long ago was privy to it all.

  “Can we just focus on what we need to do?” I asked.

  “What’s he saying?” Layla asked.

  I sighed. “Nothing. He’s going through my memories and bringing up embarrassing moments from my past.”

  Layla shrugged. “We all have things we’re embarrassed about. No biggie.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “But most of us are allowed to keep those things secret.”

  You had a crush on Lisa Simpson? Ensley asked. She isn’t even real. And her hair!

  “Shut up, Ensley,” I snapped. “I was only, like, ten at the time.”

  Layla smirked. “What is he saying?”

  “He’s making fun of me for having a cartoon crush when I was a kid.”

  Layla shrugged. “You were a kid. So what?”

  “First things first,” Brag’mok interjected. “We need an item we can enchant. Ideally, a dense metal that can hold significant quantities of magic.”

  “The Blade of Echoes was made of bronze,” Layla said as she scrolled through her phone. “The densest metal is osmium.”

  I shrugged. “I don’t even know what the hell that is, so I don’t know how we’d find it.”

  “How about platinum?” Layla asked. “It’s up there too.”

  I shook my head. “I hate to use it. I don’t want to look at it, to be honest. I was actually thinking about trying to sell the thing to help pay for all that personal training.”

  “What is it?” Layla asked.

  I scratched the back of my head. “My wedding ring was made of platinum. I have it in my underwear drawer.”

  “That could work!” Brag’mok exclaimed.

  I chuckled.

  “What is it?” Layla asked.

  “Just something someone said to me earlier. That guy Dwight,” I said.

  “The guy from The Office?” Layla asked.

  “Right!” I said. “I had the same thought. Felt like an ass for mentioning it since probably everyone he meets thinks the same thing.”

  “How couldn’t I make that connection?” Layla asked. “I love Dwight!”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know how you find the time to watch so many shows on streaming.”

  “Did you know,” Layla asked, “that Pam from The Office is from St. Louis?”

  I nodded. “Everyone in St. Louis knows that. She’s, like, the most famous person from here. Anything big happens, she’s always there. I mean, if this was LA or New York, no one would pay her one bit of attention. But here, she’s a superstar.”

  Brag’mok cleared his throat. “Who is this Dwight? Not the one from this office you speak of. The other one.”

  “The guy you kidnapped, Brag’mok. He’s the trucker whose rig you commandeered. One ring to rule them all. That was what he said, and that was why I brought him up just now.”

  “What does that mean?” Brag’mok asked.

  “It’s a quote from The Lord of the Rings,” I said. “I just find it humorous that we’re about to enchant a ring and take it to another world so we can throw it into a pit.”

  “A ley line,” Brag’mok corrected me.

  “And that presumes we’re able to do it and that we can make the gate to New Albion,” Layla said.

  Tell the elf to get back on the shelf and stop doubting me! Ensley shouted inside my head. I’ve got this!

  I snorted.

  “What?” Layla asked.

  My eyes darted back and forth. I wasn’t sure if I should say anything, but if I didn’t, it would probably be worse. “He just called you an elf on the shelf.”

  “That little fucker!” Layla exclaimed.

  Come on, elf! Don’t you have any original insults?

  I smiled.

  “What did he just say? Tell me, Caspar.”

  “He said calling him a fucker isn’t all that creative. He’s challenging you to do better than that.”

  “All right, buttface!”

  I shook my head. “Seriously, Layla?”

  “It’s creative!” Layla stood there, her eyes wide and her hands out.

  I bit my cheek. “Not really.”

  “Think about it! Buttface! It’s saying you have a face that looks like a butt!”

  “That’s the sort of name you call someone in the third grade, Layla. Hardly original.”

  Layla huffed. “Well, how should I know? I didn’t grow up on this world!”

  “Or we could stop worrying about whose insults are better,” Brag’mok said. “And stick to the task.”

  I nodded. “Yeah. Sorry. Again. First things first. We have to go back to Meramec Springs to charge the ring.”

  Brag’mok nodded. “I’ll drive.”

  “Drive?” Ensley asked. “Who needs to drive anywhere?”

  A warm sensation, more tingly than when I wielded magic, flowed through my body. It started in my chest and spread, first through my torso, then down my legs and arms.

  I extended my arms. I assumed that whatever magic Ensley was summoning would be released from my hand.

  A golden glow filled my eyes, and almost like if I had Superman’s heat vision, streams of energy burst from them.

  I could barely see. It was one thing when a light was being shined into your eyes, but when it was coming out of your eyes, there was no squinting or shielding your face to block it. It was blinding.

  When the energy faded and my eyesight returned to normal, a giant circle swirling with glittery gold mana was suspended about a foot off the floor in the middle of my apartment. It extended nearly to the ceiling. “A portal?” Layla asked.

  To the springs, Ensley said. Basic fairy shit.

  I chuckled.

  Just wait, Ensley continued. If you thought that was impressive, even I can’t wait to see what happens when we combine our powers to create a gate between the worlds.

  I smiled. “This will take us to Meramec Springs.”

  As we were about to go through, I heard a meow.

  “Hey, buddy,” I said. “What’s up?”

  “Nothing,” Agnus said. “I guess I’ll just stay here. Have fun saving the world without me.”

  I felt bad for him. Why was he so upset? Was he jealous of Ensley? Did he seriously think the fairy had taken his place?

  I knelt and scratched Agnus behind the ears. “It’s okay, buddy. You know we wouldn’t be here to do this if not for you.”

  Agnus looked at me blankly and nodded. “Caspar, I’m fine. But you smell horrible with that thing inside you.”

  That thing? Enley protested. You realize that cats don’t smell much better to us? Get over it! We need him to come along.

  “Ensley says you are needed, Agnus. No time for Animal Planet.”

  Agnus huffed. “Why do you need me?”

  Because where we’re going, there will be a lot of other fairies, and I can’t sense their presence from inside you. As much as I hate to say it, we need the cat.

  “You’re the only one who can detect fairies, and there are swarms of them on New Albion. We’re going to need your help, Agnus.”

  “Swarms of ass,” he quipped. “Delightful.”

  I smiled as I patted the cat on the head on the way to my bedroom. “You’ll manage.”

  I opened my underwear drawer. I had a few layers. First, there were the regulars, the pairs I wore frequently. Beneath that were the pairs I could wear if I got lazy and hadn’t done laundry for a while, but they weren’t my favorites. Not as comfortable but wearable. Then there was the bottom layer, the undies I hardly ever wore. The ones that were too tight, or they had been before I’d started working out. While I was thinking about it, I took the bottom layer, about five pairs, and put them on top. I’d have to try those on later. They’d probably fit again.

  Beneath those sat my old wedding ring.

  I hadn’t worn it in a few years. For a while, even after the divorce, I didn’t take it off. I was in denial about it all
.

  Good thing I hadn’t sold the thing. For the first time in years, I had a reason to use it.

  I couldn’t bring myself to put it on my finger. In some odd way, it felt that if I allowed my finger to break the plane that was the center of the ring, all my old emotions and pain would somehow come back. I knew it was dumb. Maybe I was just superstitious, but I wasn’t going to wear it, even if putting it on my finger was the best way to ensure I didn’t lose it. I tucked the ring into my front pocket instead.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Travel by fairy gate was interesting. I mean, I didn’t know the physics of it, but like Ensley said, I didn’t understand how my smartphone worked either.

  When I stepped through the gate, it was like participating in a trust fall. I couldn’t see where I stepped as I put my foot over the threshold, and I didn’t feel a good place to secure my footing.

  There were two ways to tackle something like this. It was like trying to get into a cold pool. You either waded in slowly, prolonging the anxiety, or you jumped in and trusted you’d adjust to the temperature shock. After taking the first approach, initially, Ensley advised that I take a step back and dive in head-first.

  Truth be told, I didn’t dive into pools either. Not that I hadn’t tried. Every dive I’d ever attempted had turned into a belly flop.

  My preference was the cannonball, and that was the way I jumped into the gate.

  I tucked my legs as I jumped through it and heard a splash, then it was cold.

  The gate let me out over the spring where I needed to take the ring to charge it.

  I mean, the season didn’t matter. Spring water was freezing-cold, even in the heat of the summer.

  I did wish that Ensley had warned me. I’d assumed the gate would open on the shore, not into the pool.

  I’d been here before. I could use my magic to help me through it.

  I’ve got this, Ensley said. Warmth quickly spread over my body.

  Brilliant, I thought. I mean, I was underwater, so I couldn’t respond, but this might have been the first time the fairy had ever done something to make me more comfortable.

  No magic gills. I’d done it with an oxygen tank the first time I swam into the source. When I went into it with B’iff, the magic we were tapping into took away my urge to breathe. I wasn’t exactly holding my breath. I mean, I did when I realized I was in the water, but it was a matter of instinct.