Damaged Heart (A San Diegan Novel Book 3)

by S. M. Soto

  “Back to normal.” I test the phrase, wondering if Alex and I were ever deemed “normal”.

  Not likely.

  Muted silence hangs heavy in the air of the car once again as I get lost in the turbulent thoughts whirling through my fucked-up head. Once the Bar and Grille comes into view, I breathe a sigh of relief, finally finding my voice.

  “I wouldn’t say things are normal, Ohio, but they are better than they have been. So it’s a start.” Aliza’s lips quirk into a grin and she reaches over, squeezing my forearm in reassurance.

  Just as I’m clocking in, I spot Alex at the bar and a smile spreads across my face. Today, he’s dressed in a red flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, revealing his muscular forearms. My gaze treks intimately along his forearms to his biceps, where I know his tribal tattoo lays. It wraps around the thick slab of muscle, the dark ink such a contrast to his fair skin. I drink him in inconspicuously, freely, without reservation. The sleek angles of his jaw clench and unclench as he chews on a piece of gum. My mouth floods with saliva, as if I can taste the cinnamon from the Big Red gum. He’s rocking a few days’ worth of stubble on his face and my hands itch to rub across it.

  After the short ride to work with Aliza, I can’t help but feel like things need to go back to the way they were with me and Alex. I want the normal. I miss the normal. I want to make an effort. No matter how idiotic the notion is, I want Alex to look at me the way he used to. The way I still look at him when he’s faced the other way, unaware.

  Running my hands over the denim of my jeans, I check my hair before exhaling a shaky breath. I saunter toward him with confidence I don’t feel, leaning my hip against the bar.

  “I think you’re going to put me out of job soon, if you keep working the bar just as you are.”

  He looks up at me through his lashes and smiles, giving me a wink that spikes my heart rate and hits me right between my legs.

  “Oh, Samantha. No one works this bar better than you do.”

  I make my way around the bar, preparing to switch places with him. It takes everything in me to ignore the tempo of the steel drums in my stomach and the wild staccato of my heart. I give him a playful swat on the ass before adding, “Don’t you ever forget it, baby.”

  “What time are you off?” he asks, training those honey eyes on me.

  It would be so easy to get lost in their depths, right here, right now.

  “I’m closing,” I finally manage to say as I rearrange the bar to my liking.

  While working the bar, I like to keep certain things in certain places. It’s just something I’ve picked up over the years—I’m anal that way. More often than not, when people cover for me at the bar, they tend to move my shit around. And I hate it. Looking at the mess Alex has around the countertop makes me feel like I’m breaking out in hives. I raise a brow at him and pointedly look at the clutter on the bar top. A wide, guilty grin spreads across his face and I know he did this just to drive me nuts.

  I start rearranging bottles and syrups, still very aware of the fact that Alex is standing next to me. I can feel the heat of his gaze on me while he watches me work. It makes every hair on my body stand at attention. I fiddle with things that don’t need to be fixed, just to avoid the heat of his stare.

  “I’ll wait for you, then. I think we should talk.”

  I pause with a container of sliced oranges in my hand, and frown. Quickly catching myself, I place the container down next to the rest of the decorative fruit. I shrug, forcing a neutral look his way.

  “Yeah. Sure.”

  The last thing I want to be doing with Alex is talking. Just the idea alone is enough to make my head want to explode. Samantha Paisley doesn’t do talking. I prefer other methods. I mean, Christ, it’s been almost four months since we’ve slept together, and I hate to admit it, but I miss it. I miss him. He knows my body better than I do. I need him something fierce.

  A smile tips the corners of my lips as I come to a decision. Tonight, we won’t be using our mouths to talk, we’ll be using our bodies. Whether Alex knows it or not, he’s getting much more than he bargained for with me tonight.

  I wish I could say I’m a better person, but I can’t. I wish I could say I took Masie’s feelings into account, but I didn’t. This is me. Every ugly part.

  ***

  Just as I’m wiping down the last stool of the night, I hear heavy footsteps approach. Closing my eyes, I inhale a deep breath before turning around to face Alex with a smile on my face.

  “Guess it’s about time for that talk now?”

  He grins back at me, tucking his hands in his pockets. My heart smiles as we stand there, staring at each other. He looks so handsome and boyish right now. He reminds me so much of the Alex I stumbled across years ago. The boy who captured my heart and never gave it back.

  “I need food before we have any type of conversation. I’m starving.”

  Alex shakes his head and chuckles. He purses his lips in thought before inching his head toward the exit.

  “C’mon. I’ll make you dinner, then we’ll talk.”

  A wide grin spreads across my face. Then, as if on cue, my stomach growls loudly, making us both laugh.

  My eyes roll into the back of my head in bliss as I scrape the last of the remaining salmon crème off my now-empty plate. I don’t know where the hell he learned to cook but the man is a fucking chef of epic proportions.

  Part of me wonders if he had a cook as a child who taught him the craft. There has to be some explanation, because I know for certain his witch of a mother didn’t teach him. I think the only thing she passed on was good looks. Other than that, Victoriana is a bitter old hag with way too much Botox running through her system.

  “Okay. Seriously, I think I went way too long without your cooking. It feels like I’m floating on cloud fucking nine.”

  Alex tips his head back with a husky laugh that hits me right in my core. I shift in my chair, squeezing my thighs together to stave off the throbbing between my legs. All night, I’ve been trying to keep myself from jumping his bones, but damn, it gets harder and harder with each passing minute.

  “I might’ve missed cooking for you, too. Hearing you worship at my feet is usually the best part,” he says with mirth in his tone, making me roll my eyes playfully.

  I dart my gaze around the sleek and modern dining room and the kitchen. A pang of guilt stabs me in my chest as I soak up everything about Alex’s new home. I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to go inside and see it. The design is similar to his old house: vaulted ceilings, wooden beams, too many windows for my liking, but somehow, this one is better. Even I can admit that. It’s beautiful. Just like the man sitting next to me.

  “Did you want a tour?” His voice cuts through my thoughts. He must’ve caught me ogling his new home.

  Plying him with a small nod of my head, I follow him out of the dining room into the living area. It’s almost an exact replica of his former living room. The thought makes me laugh.

  “What?” He turns to me with humor lining his face.

  “Nothing.” I give him a placating smile. “Some things never change.”

  My words bring a smile to his face as he shows me around the rest of the house. I marvel at the size and beauty of it. I know he said he wanted a bigger house for him and his future, but damn, this thing is almost the size of CJ’s place. Almost. I often refer to CJ’s place as a mansion. Even with Aliza there, it’s like two ants roaming around a fucking life-size doll house. It’s ridiculous.

  I follow behind him as he pushes the door to his bedroom open. I suck in a sharp gasp as my gaze hones in on the four-poster bed and the antique vanity setting he has against the opposite wall. As if of their own accord, my feet travel into the room and I brush past him, slowly taking in everything around me.

  The master bedroom is beautiful. The walls are a light gray with a walk-in closet, an ensuite bathroom, and French doors that lead to his large back yard. Tears spring to my eyes as I t
ake in the gold and burgundy decor around the room. I settle my gaze on the antique dresser yet again and my chest quakes with some unfamiliar emotion.

  “This was the dresser and the colors I wanted for my own bedroom one day,” I whisper reverently, running my fingers over the polished wood.

  I’ve been saving the majority of my checks to get my own place. I love living with Natalia, but I know we don’t plan on living together forever. I’ve had these pieces of furniture saved in my browser for months. My brows dip into a frown as I turn toward Alex. His face is clear of any emotion; his eyes just track my every movement. I cock my head to the side, trying to understand why he would decorate his bedroom the way I wanted mine.

  “You never did shut up about wanting your bedroom to look like this one day, so the idea and picture just kind of stuck with me. Call me unoriginal, but I just didn’t feel like putting forth the effort to find a decent bedroom design.” He shrugs his shoulders, his gaze drifting toward the bed.

  My heart lurches in my throat and pain tears across my chest, making me grimace. His gesture does something to me. It thaws my pent-up anger, heals my tattered heart, and shatters any notion of keeping the peace between us and staying away from him. Suddenly, I’m across the room, standing before him, eyes wide open.

  I don’t know how it happens, but one minute we’re staring at each other and the next we’re grappling at each other’s clothes. His mouth roughly glides over mine, stealing all the breath from my lungs. He consumes me. The passion of his kiss steals my breath and my heart in one fatal swoop. I urgently curl my hands around his neck and wrap my legs around his waist, dying to connect with him in the only way I know how. Those rough hands get lost in my hair.

  Fisting my red locks around his hand, he yanks back roughly, exposing the column of my neck. His mouth glides sensually along my skin, eliciting a deep groan that vibrates in my chest. He traces his tongue across my overheated skin, leaving a trail of fire in its wake.

  My back slams against the bed with a thump and the smooth planes of Alex’s body follow soon after, erotically covering mine. In a frenzy of lust and desperation, we tear at the remainder of our clothes and nip at each other’s skin. His mouth covers my nipple, and my back arches off the bed in white-hot pleasure. His tongue swirls over the hardened peak, sending delicious tingles to my pussy. His teeth nip and graze at the bud until I’m panting wildly beneath him, so close to coming apart just from having his mouth on me. Gripping his broad shoulders in my hands, I use them for leverage as I push down his briefs, needing to feel him inside me—controlling me, owning me.

  A feral growl tears from his chest as he tears the tiny scrap of the lace thong off my body, tossing it onto the bedroom floor. My mouth finds Alex’s again in a heated kiss. His tongue strokes my own in a sensual caress. Sucking his bottom lip into my mouth, I nibble on the plump flesh and release it on a groan when I feel his thick length prod my entrance. We both moan when he slides into me. His thick girth stretches me, leaving me feeling deliciously full. Never once taking our eyes off each other, Alex pumps his hips in and out, hitting that spot that makes me want to blurt out unthinkable things. I tighten my inner muscles around his cock and squeeze, delighting in the way his eyes flutter closed and his lips part in the most sensual of ways.

  Each of his strokes sends me higher and higher, hurtling me toward an orgasm. When his fingers find purchase over my clit and his mouth engulfs mine, I shoot off like a rocket. A kaleidoscope of colors swirls behind my closed lids as I chant Alex’s name over and over, clinging to him like my entire life depends on it. His hips quicken their pace, savagely slapping against my flesh, and his body starts to stiffen above me as he chases his orgasm and fills me with his come.

  We both struggle to control our breathing as we lie side by side on his bed. My skin is slick with perspiration and his bedroom smells of the musk of our sex. I close my eyes, not wanting this moment to end. I don’t want it to be over, not yet. But a part of me knows it’s going to be.

  “Fuck.” He expels a harsh breath.

  I feel his stare boring into the side of my skull but I’m too afraid of turning to face him. So I keep my gaze trained on the stark white ceiling, unwilling to let him see what this has done to me. How badly this has broken me.

  “Sam, I—”

  My heart shatters.

  I suck in a shuttering breath.

  Sitting up from the bed, I hurry to feet and slip on my clothes. “I should go,” I mumble, feeling his regret cloud the whole room. He’s silent for a beat, watching me dress.

  “Yeah, okay,” he says in agreement, not even attempting to coerce me to stay, like he usually does.

  That little fact tears my heart right in half.

  I blink past the hot tears clouding my vision. He may have regretted this, but I didn’t. I glance back at him one last time, admiring the man that has just about succeeded in destroying me. With that thought, I silently leave without so much as a goodbye.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  I wish I could say I learned from my mistake that night by sleeping with Alex, but I didn’t. Like the stupid, broken, helpless fool I am, I keep going back for more and more. He made it clear he was still with Masie. He said he cared deeply for her. Fuck if that didn’t hurt. They had each other, while I had no one.

  And to make things worse, Masie was okay with the thought of sleeping with other people. When Alex came clean about sleeping with me, she didn’t react like a heartbroken girlfriend. She reacted like she understood.

  I continued to sleep with James to numb the sting of losing the only guy I’ve ever cared about. But each time I slept with James, I hated myself a little more. Each time, he took a piece of my tattered soul that wasn’t rightfully his to take.

  I wish I could tell Alex how I feel about him, but every time I try, the words never come. It’s like they aren’t meant to be said aloud. Instead, they’re just stuck on a never-ending, twisted loop in my head.

  For the most part, things feel like they did before Masie came into the picture. Alex and I hang out regularly, whether at work or outside of work. We laugh and sleep together without any reservations, but the difference this time around is that he’s sleeping with someone else, too. In the past, when Alex and I slept together, he made a point to only sleep with me because at the time, he said I was more than enough he could handle. Things are so different now. He is happy because of someone else, and that hurts more than anything.

  It’s funny. I never wanted us to be exclusive and now, I finally got my wish. Life is a bitch that way.

  Ignoring the aching in my back and the pain shooting through my feet, I lean against the bar with a smile, ready to take my next order. I engage in a little harmless, flirty banter with the group of guys seated at the corner as I get started on their drinks. I busy myself with the assortment of alcohols being requested. Warm hands suddenly slide around my waist, prompting my mouth to twist in a wry grin. Inhaling the scent of cinnamon and sandalwood, I crane my neck back, smiling at Alex. With a wink, he releases me and pats my butt as he gets to work beside me. Since the Bar and Grille has been so packed lately, Alex has been helping me man the bar more often than usual. We work side by side so easily, we’re like a well-oiled machine.

  During our break, we sneak out of the bar into his truck like crazed, horny teenagers. His slew of soft and subtle caresses throughout the night had finally gotten to me, and I couldn’t take it anymore. We climb into the back seat and Alex rips my clothes off in desperation to set his mouth on my body. I crave his touch. The blood roars to life in my veins the moment his warm tongue caressed my skin. The heavy truck rocks with the force of our movements and the windows are fogged with each of our pants and moans. It is delicious. It is fulfilling. It’s how we work together.

  A few hours pass as we handle the bar together. The warm set of the evening sun casts deep orange and purple hues along the sky. Eventually, the sun outside sets, revealing an indigo blue alerting us it’s well in
to the night, but that hasn’t stopped the barrage of patrons from shouting order after order at the bar.

  I toss my head back with a laugh at Alex’s joke that he mumbles under his breath, once one group of rowdy college guys is out of earshot. Tears threaten with the force of my laughter. God, sometimes he is a breath of fresh air.

  When I pry my eyes open, I catch him staring at me with those honey brown eyes that tend to lure me into making bad decisions. Propped against the bar top, he stares down at me with a look that makes my heart race. My laughter slowly dies and almost like the universe is aligning, everything fades away. There’s no one here but us. Just the two of us. The way it was always supposed to be.

  “I’ve missed that laugh,” he says thickly, like the words were too much to get out.

  My heart pounds against my ribcage and my hands shake from the severity of this moment. I know what I want to do, but I don’t want to be that person anymore. If Masie is who Alex wants, so be it. I can’t keep doing this back-and-forth shit between us. As much as I hate to admit it, Masie obviously makes him happy in ways I never could. She’s the girl he can bring home to his family, with no issues. She’s the girl who can one day bear his children. I, on the other hand, will never be her.

  I shift my eyes away from the startling heat of his gaze before I do something stupid that ruins everything.

  “Yeah, I miss a lot of things too,” I choke out.

  Pivoting away from the bar, I make quick strides toward the bathroom. My chest heaves as I throw myself into a stall and slam my back against the door. My vision becomes distorted and I’m vaguely aware of sniffling. Its then I realize I’m crying. Wetness coats my cheeks and my body quakes, struggling with every intake of breath.

  Pushing the heel of my palm into my chest, I will the pain to go away. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I didn’t ask for any of it. I tried like hell, all my life, to protect myself from this moment, but it was no use. A broken heart can’t be avoided in this life. No matter how hard you try.