Damaged Heart (A San Diegan Novel Book 3)

by S. M. Soto

  I jolt as he slams the front door behind him.

  “You know, that may work on him, but it sure as hell won’t work on me.”

  I spin on my heels, pinning Natalia with a glare. She’s leaning against the hallway wall with her arms crossed over her chest, in that no-nonsense attitude way she has down to a T.

  “Do you ever fucking listen?”

  “No.”

  I roll my eyes and brush past her toward the bathroom we share. When I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror I wince, and lean toward the glass to get a better view.

  “That’s quite the shiner. We can still take pictures as evidence, you know.”

  Closing my eyes, I inhale a deep, calming breath trying to ignore Natalia and the thin shred of patience she’s testing. I push past my anger, feigning a small smile for her sake.

  “Look, Nat. I love you and you’re like a sister to me, but I just want to be alone right now, all right?”

  I don’t want to talk about what happened today, least of all with her. She’s my best friend, my sister, but sometimes that means protecting her from the fucked-up shit in my life, too.

  “Talk to me,” she pleads from the doorway.

  Closing my eyes, I tilt my head back, staring at the ceiling for strength.

  So much for keeping it together.

  “Today has just been a shitty day, Nat. I don’t even think words could suffice at this point. Let’s just leave it be.”

  “Best friends don’t ‘leave it be’, Samantha. I’m not going anywhere until I know you’re okay.”

  Her words start to weaken my resolve. It would so easy to turn to her, to lean on her, but I refuse to do that. This is my mess. My problem. I should be the one dealing with the aftermath. There’s only one way Natalia would leave me alone willingly—if she knew the truth.

  Clenching my eyes shut, I let the events of the entire night flash behind my eyes before I tell her. I tell her everything—about Alex, about James and his wife. And the part I played in all of it.

  Natalia’s face crumples in anger. Slashing her arm violently through the air, she says, “What a complete douche!”

  I lift a shoulder and nod my head in agreement, but the worst is yet to come.

  “Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I would’ve junk-punched that two-timing asswipe,” Natalia says in that accusing voice.

  I shrug my shoulders, avoiding her stare. “You’ve been busy with Luke.”

  It’s a cop-out. A dick-move. But I say it anyway.

  “Bull,” she says, inspecting me through narrowed slits of eyes. “I know you, and you would never let something like that stop you. So what aren’t you telling me?”

  I bite my bottom lip in shame. What I say next is going to crush her. Maybe even piss her off royally.

  “I knew.”

  The room is so silent, you could hear a pin drop. Swallowing thickly, I force myself to look at Natalia. Her brows are furrowed, and she looks like she’s trying to figure out a math problem for class. If this wasn’t such a serious moment, I would totally laugh.

  “You knew?” Her voice wavers.

  “I knew he was married, but that didn’t stop me.”

  There’s deafening silence. I’m afraid to look her in her eyes because I know what I’ll see if I do. Betrayed browns clash with green as our gazes lock. I immediately feel like the scum of the earth.

  Her face falls.

  She retreats unsteadily away from me and shakes her head slowly back and forth.

  “After everything I went through as a child, why would you do that?” Her voice trembles. “Why would you put yourself through that? Put that family through that?”

  Tears swim in best friend’s eyes, and something cracks in my chest. I don’t know why I did it. I’ve seen first-hand what carelessness like this has done to her, but that didn’t stop me, even though it should have. She glares at me from her position in the doorway, her eyes demanding an answer. I lean against the sink for support and blow out a ragged sigh that rattles in my chest.

  “I don’t know. I just wanted to use him to forget. I should’ve known better. I should’ve walked away the moment he said he was married, but I…” I shrug my shoulders, trying to play off the seriousness of my mistake. “But I didn’t. I don’t have the answers you want to hear, Nat. I’m sorry.”

  A tear slips down her cheek and her bottom lip quivers. I step forward, ready to pull her into my arms and console my best friend but she jerks away. Her eyes harden with resolve.

  “Samantha…honestly, I-I can’t even look at you right now. I just…” Her voice trails off and she gives a disappointed shake of her head, then strides down the hall toward her room.

  Fuck me. If it’s not one thing, it’s another.

  Dropping my face into my hands, I fist them in my hair and tug, internally berating myself for being so fucking careless. I let go and grip the sink for support. I stare at my reflection in the mirror, hating what I see.

  With a disgusted sigh, I straighten my sorry ass up, and undress. While in the shower, my mind immediately drifts to Alex and what happened hours before. Pain lances through my chest, making me grimace.

  I wish I could run to him. Stupid decisions be damned, I just want him to hold me in his arms and tell me everything will be okay. But I’ve fucked up that relationship. Royally. We’ve fought so many times over the years, but tonight, it felt different. I felt his pain and his anger toward me. I read it all in his eyes. It’s the kind of hurt you can’t come back from, but I only have myself to blame. And after I made him leave? I know I’ve ruined the foundation of our friendship, and our relationship.

  I slide down the tile walls and drop my head into my hands. James’ wife was right: I am a filthy whore. I’ve turned into my fucking mother. Tears slip past my lower lids at that sickening realization.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  After a night of tossing and turning, I wake up in a sour mood, bombarded with the sickening memories of my past. To make matters worse, Natalia ignored me during breakfast, while we ate across from each other at the table in silence. She left the apartment for work with a slam of the front door that made the windows rattle.

  By the time I clock in at the Bar and Grille, I am irritable and on edge. I can feel the anger and the shame boiling in my veins, ready to burst at any given second. I know that when it does, it will be like a detonation of sorts. I was back there again. Back to the days where I felt like a helpless little girl. My emotions are out of control, the anger a driving need, and the pain like a black hole I couldn’t avoid, no matter how hard I tried. I’ve worked my whole life to not be that little girl from my past, but it seems I’ve reverted to my old ways.

  I slam bottles down violently and serve drinks to the customers aggressively. The rest of my coworkers at the Bar and Grille give me disapproving glances or looks of worry, but no one dares to say anything. And I couldn’t be more fucking grateful.

  Thankfully, I haven’t seen Alex yet. If I had, that would surely have send me over the edge. Just thinking about him makes my heart clench and my hands ball into fists. The emotions war with one another.

  When lunch time rolls around, it’s beyond awkward. The tension is so thick, it’s stifling, making it damn near impossible to breathe. Aliza shifts her gaze uncomfortably from me to Natalia, knowing on some level this is a fight that won’t be fixed by her sweet, meddling words or suggestions of forgiveness. I’m sure Natalia went running off to Aliza to rant, and of course she listened, because that’s what she does best.

  Stabbing a piece of grilled chicken from my salad, I pop it in my mouth with a glare on my face. Aliza strikes up a conversation to avoid any more awkward silence, but I tune her out, too lost in my own thoughts to pay any attention. I try to find a way to make things right with everyone, but the answer doesn’t fucking come. Mistake after mistake I’ve ever made flashes behind my eyes, reminding me of the damaged, careless woman I am.

  Forcing myself to snap out of it be
fore I worsen my mood, I tune in to the conversation happening before me.

  “It’s hard, for both of us, but we’re working through it. He still asks me something about Rosie every night, just like he always promised he would, but last night it was heartbreaking because I was…stuck. He’s been asking about her for so long that I no longer had anything to say that he didn’t already know. I wracked my brain, trying to find something to offer, but I came up empty. There were only so many memories you were granted in the short time I had with Rosie—me and Chase plowed through them. I was such a mess.” Aliza smiles sadly. “I miss her every single day and I think what hurts the most is the memories are all I have. The memories are the only way I can keep Rosie alive.”

  My mouth curls in anger as I listen to Aliza go on and on about the pain of her past. It makes me think about the pain I’ve lived through—the pain I’m still living through, and it makes my blood fucking boil. I should, at the very least, feel bad for her because she’s one of my best friends, but I don’t. I don’t feel shit. Her problems are in the past. The pity party she constantly throws herself is never going to help.

  When Natalia pulls Aliza into a hug and whispers reassuring bullshit words in her ear, I snap. I flick my gaze to Aliza and narrow my eyes threateningly. Shooting to my feet, I loom over the booth.

  “Oh, please, Ohio. Spare us your sob story, because I’m sick and tired of it,” I snarl loudly, breaking them both out of their embrace. They both send their wide gazes toward me, mouths hanging open in shock at my brash words.

  “Sam!” Natalia gasps in horror.

  “You think just because your whole family died, and your kid died, it gives you the right to be fucking miserable every day? Well, it doesn’t. You don’t even know what it’s like to lead a hard life, Aliza.” I sneer her name, and watch in satisfaction as she flinches, all the color draining from her normally radiant face.

  “Come talk to me when you know what it’s like to be hated by your own mother. To be neglected, and left in a fucking closet for days without food. Having to let strange men come in my room when my mother was passed the fuck out, and endure them touching me. Did you have to deal with any of that? Huh?”

  Tears pool in her eyes and her bottom lip quivers, only spurring my anger. She doesn’t get to pity me. No one pities me.

  “Did you have to move from foster home to foster home, dealing with sick parents who like to fuck little girls? Who like to degrade them? Did you? Because I did. So why don’t you save the goddamn sob story for someone who gives a shit because I don’t.”

  Silence echoes around us as tears drip down Aliza’s ashen face. Shakily, she places a hand over her mouth to muffle a sob before whirling away.

  A hard shove in my chest pushes me back a few steps, snapping me out of the anger-induced fog that was just clouding my brain. I jerk my gaze to Natalia, who is seething. Her body trembles as she jabs a finger in my chest.

  “What is the matter with you?” Natalia yells. “Why would you say that to her? She’s our fucking friend!”

  “It was the truth.”

  “Who are you?” Natalia asks quietly with tears in her eyes. “This person, this isn’t you, Samantha. I can’t even believe I’m friends with someone who would intentionally hurt our friend, the same friend who has been nothing but nice to us. The friend who has been through hell and back, yet still manages to be there for the both of us.”

  “Maybe I’m just a bad person.” I shrug, looking away from her.

  “Yeah, maybe you are,” she says hoarsely. “I guess it took me four years to finally see it.”

  Natalia shoulders past me and a piece of my heart shatters further. Curious gazes from the patrons linger on me as I stand there in the middle of the restaurant, wondering why the hell I just did that. Regret claws its way through my body, curling my insides. It squeezes my heart and crushes my lungs.

  On shaking legs, I dart away from prying eyes and duck beneath the bar, trying to catch my breath. When I finally do, tears sting my eyes.

  What have I done?

  I sniff past the pressure in my nose and force myself to take orders behind the bar, instead of chasing after Aliza like I should. I allow myself to get lost in the mundane task, trying not to think too much about how cruel I was to Aliza earlier.

  I knew I would be seeing him sooner rather than later, but when CJ stalks toward the bar, I know I’m in for an earful. I steel myself for what is sure to be an ugly conversation.

  “My office. Now.”

  Squaring my shoulders, I roll my eyes at his dramatics. “And what about the bar?”

  “Don’t fuck with me, Samantha,” he hisses. “Not today.” His eyes are cold, and I can practically feel the anger radiating off him. It hits me in waves.

  Walking around the bar, I follow him up the stairs to his office. I try to ignore the feeling of dread that crawls up my spine. I feel like I’m walking to my death, here. Once inside, he sits behind his desk and runs a frustrated hand through his tousled blond hair. Usually, CJ is so put-together but right now, he looks as messed up as he did years ago, after he lost his family.

  I close the door behind me, leaning my back against the polished wood, waiting to hear him yell. But surprisingly, that doesn’t happen. CJ leans forward, staring me dead in the eye. In the calmest voice I’ve ever heard, his words send a chill down my spine.

  “If you ever do anything to hurt my girl or make her cry again, you’re fucking done here. I will leave your ass high and dry. Do you understand me? I don’t care what the fuck is going on in your life or in your past. Don’t you ever take it out on her again. We clear?” His jaw clenches at the force of his barely restrained anger.

  “You don’t know shit—”

  “Goddamnit!” he yells, slamming his palm down on the table, making me jump. “Listen to me very clearly. If you ever mess with Aliza again, you’ll regret it, Samantha. I don’t give two fucks about you or your problems. Now get the fuck back to work or leave. I don’t have anything else to say to you.”

  Grinding my teeth together, I nod my head, forcing myself to keep my mouth shut. He’s right to be angry at me. He’s right to protect Aliza, the girl who is supposed to be my best friend. I hate that I broke her down and hurt her, like she hasn’t had enough pain in her life. I promised I’d always be there for her, and what the fuck did I do? I ripped her to shreds without so much as a care in the world.

  Instead of heading back to the bar, I snatch my purse out of the cabinet and leave the place that has been like a sanctuary to me for the last nine years. I ignore the lingering stares of customers and my coworkers. As I weave through the tables, I feel his stare on me, but I can’t pinpoint it. Nor do I want to. Squaring my shoulders, I violently push out the doors. A trail of fire follows behind me in its wake.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Resting on the edge of my bed, I stare blankly out of my bedroom window. On the outside, my face is void of any emotion, but on the inside…I feel like someone set off an internal alarm that keeps blaring. My mind replays the look of hurt in Aliza’s eyes, on repeat. It tears my heart in half. Regret swims through my veins, making it hard to breathe. Grinding my teeth together, I curl my hands into fists and slam them on my bed. My mother’s ratty red hair and yellowed teeth penetrate my mind, making me seethe with rage.

  “I hate you,” I whisper brokenly, wishing she could hear me now. If only she could see the damage she caused. The problem child she created. Tears sting my eyes and my chest heaves on a sob that tears through the silence of the room. The stillness of the empty apartment. A slicing pain rips through my chest and my heart squeezes painfully, making it hard to breathe as I realize I’ve sabotaged all the good relationships in my life. I have nothing left.

  My stomach churns violently, making acidic bile rise in my throat. Jumping to my feet, I barely make it to the bathroom before I’m heaving over the toilet, emptying the contents of my stomach. Tears burn my eyes as I clutch cold porcelain for support
. Dry heaves wrack my entire body, punishing me for all the wrong I’ve done in my life. All the bad decisions I’ve made.

  Pulling my haggard form up from the floor, I grip the sink and try to regain some sense of control over my trembling limbs. A cool sweat trickles across my forehead and down my back. Lifting my gaze, I stare at my reflection in the mirror and flinch at my appearance. My face is a ghastly pale and the dark circles under my eyes look like someone smudged gray soot under them. I cup a handful of water and bring it to my mouth. My hands shake so much, by the time I bring the puddle of water to my mouth, there’s hardly anything left. I mindlessly repeat the process.

  After swishing the water around my mouth and brushing my teeth, I climb into bed. My body trembles violently and my teeth chatter as I huddle under the covers. Clenching my eyes shut, I sniffle into my pillow, letting the tears fall freely. I don’t know how long I lie there, but after some time, I hear the front door open and close. Soft footsteps pad down the hall, stopping in front of my room. I wait for a knock—pray for it, even, but it never comes. The footsteps backtrack and I hear the soft thud of Natalia’s bedroom door closing. The thud is a resounding echo that makes my heart stop.

  Curling in on myself, I wrap my arms around my knees, bringing them to my chest. I stare blankly at the wall of my bedroom, hating myself with every minute that passes. A tear leaks out of the corner of my eye just before I fall into a restless sleep.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  Past

  Leaning against my locker, I watch Alex as he stands around with a group of his friends, laughing. I can’t help but admire how carefree he is. Always so happy-go-lucky. It’s one of his best traits—his optimism. When we’re together, everything in my life doesn’t seem so bad. The shame and embarrassment is always there because I know how people like him look at poor girls like me, but none of that matters when I’m with Alex.