Paper Wife

by Laila Ibrahim

  Mah-ma used a few precious coins to buy a mandarin tree. We are hopeful that it will bear us lucky fruit by the New Year.

  We look forward to news of your life.

  Forever and always,

  Your loving sister

  Tears streamed down Mei Ling’s cheeks. Her sister’s calm and kind voice pierced her heart. Mei Ling missed Jah Jeh, and the others, with a fierce physical longing.

  The letter ended too quickly. She longed to read more details of their lives but was grateful for the mostly reassuring news. Her sister had recovered and no one else had fallen ill. Most important, Jah Jeh expressed a measure of forgiveness: I have found that I don’t mind working in the sun.

  April 15. Four months ago her sister touched this paper. Mei Ling smelled it, hoping for the scent of home, but she was disappointed. The crops Jah Jeh told of were no longer starts. They had already matured and been harvested, their remains turned under to enrich the soil.

  Her relationship with her family was out of time. She wouldn’t hear about changes in their lives as they were happening, but only long after. Nor would they know hers. At this moment Jah Jeh might be married and living with her husband’s family far from their ancestral village. In fact it was most likely that Mah-ma had worked quickly to find a replacement match before Jah Jeh was too old.

  Mei Ling read the note again, slowly this time, uncovering more meaning. Investing in a mandarin tree meant they expected to stay in the village, giving up hope of returning to Guangzhou. She wasn’t surprised, but nevertheless she felt sorrow for her family. She pictured Jah Jeh working in the fields under a large conical hat, looking like all the others under the open sky. Another indication that they weren’t planning to return to city life. Last year, despite their offers of help, she and Jah Jeh hadn’t been allowed to touch the dirt when the family planted with Mah-ma, insisting that they preserve their hands to make the most fortuitous marriages possible.

  Jah Jeh’s hands, no longer unsullied, would mark her as a laborer. There was no going back for her. Mei Ling looked down at her own clean and neat fingers. She sighed and took in a deep breath. That was supposed to be me, Mei Ling thought.

  You cannot change her fate. Ahma’s words echoed back to her across the miles and months.

  Mei Ling took in another deep breath and chanted:

  May she be safe from all harm. May she be free from all suffering. May she know joy.

  May they all be safe from all harm. May they all be free from all suffering. May they all know joy.

  CHAPTER 15

  San Francisco

  September 1923

  As the baby became larger, her energy grew smaller. Each day she was more tired and lethargic than the one before. Her condition was obvious for all to see, but still she didn’t speak of it.

  One night after she climbed into bed, Kai Li asked in a timid voice, “Perhaps we will have another son someday?”

  “Very soon, husband, I believe we will,” she replied.

  He smiled that sweet smile again, his dark-brown eyes bright. She nearly believed they would share a life path, but the word son cut away that hope. Kai Li patted her arm affectionately. To her disappointment he rolled over rather than turning toward her. She didn’t entirely trust him, but she’d come to look forward to his touch.

  She meant to take Bo out each day, but some afternoons the sun was setting and they hadn’t yet been out. Her mood changed along with the season. The chill from the fog made it cold inside and out. Wrapping up in many blankets was the only way to stay warm. The stalks on the kitchen window hardly got a nourishing ray of sun. Her meager care wasn’t enough to keep them from withering away. She feared that Kai Li would chastise her for her poor cooking and housekeeping, but when he came home to warmed rice and dried fish, he seemed more concerned than angry.

  One day he brought food with him when he walked through the door.

  He looked sheepish as he said, “Wife, my household sent me with this.” He raised a bag. “May I add it to our dinner?”

  Mei Ling nodded.

  He opened a container and a delicious scent poured out. Kai Li ladled fish-tail soup with lily bulbs and carrots into bowls. The familiar smell brought tears to her eyes. He bowed a little and they sat together to eat. She felt his eyes on her as she spooned the traditional autumn soup into her mouth. It was delicious and comforting, and she felt her muscles loosen as she warmed up inside.

  She smiled and said, “It’s flavorful. Please tell your cook thank you from me.”

  He looked very pleased with her praise. She furrowed her eyebrows at him. She hadn’t meant to, but he was behaving suspiciously.

  “It’s my cooking,” he confessed.

  A husband who cooked! Mei Ling was stunned and pleased. Though as a house servant he probably was able to do all kinds of traditional women’s work.

  “I’m a fortunate wife, then,” she declared. “You are a very good cook.”

  He acknowledged her praise with a shy nod.

  After that he brought something nutritious and delicious each night to supplement her simple offering. Despite his concern about having enough money to feed them and keep them housed, he also spent precious coins on ginger to soothe her nausea and raspberry leaf and red-clover tea to support strong qi. She appreciated the food and Kai Li’s care; however, his attention didn’t entirely assuage her loneliness and skepticism. She continued planning for two futures: one with Kai Li and one where she would walk a path on her own. She was touched that he was attending so thoughtfully to her needs, but she wouldn’t trust their marriage until she saw his reaction to their daughter.

  Kai Li expressed his hope the baby would come on Jesus’s birthday, but Mei Ling thought that would be too soon. By her estimation she would deliver sometime after the Western New Year.

  The Christian celebration of the birth of a baby was a sweet novelty to her. At church on Sunday the minister spoke about the challenge of the advent—the time of waiting. Mei Ling didn’t usually find solace in the Christian messages, but that week it felt like the minister was speaking directly to her, offering her comfort in the face of the unknown. He reminded her that with faith all things were possible. She didn’t share his belief that Jesus would provide her with all that she needed, but his message gave her hope nevertheless.

  Once again the minister asked the congregation to be generous to the Presbyterian Mission House.

  More than once she’d brought a donation of rice to the building at the corner of Sacramento Street and Joice Street. She’d determined that it could be a temporary refuge for her and the children should Kai Li transform from a seemingly gentle soul into a monster after their daughter was born. If need be, she’d gather her strength after the birth to go to that building and then find June in Oakland. That was as far as her plan went, but it would serve her in the immediate future.

  Mei Ling was confident her friend would have ideas for how a woman like her could survive in this land without a husband. She’d likely have to become a seamstress or house servant. It would be a lonely, unfortunate life. She didn’t want to be abandoned, but if Kai Li forced her to flee, she had a plan. They had somewhere to go.

  A warm trickle down her leg woke her up. She pushed the material from her gown between her thighs and walked out of their room and down the hallway to the shared bathroom, utterly ashamed at having wet herself.

  On the toilet, an enormous contraction built in her belly until she nearly cried out in pain. Slowly the muscles began to release. She sat, breathing in and shaking, until it subsided all together and her stomach went soft. She’s coming! Fear and excitement in equal measure surged in Mei Ling’s heart. Mei Ling had never been to a birth, but she had heard the first one could take a long time and was the most uncomfortable. Her mother and grandmother told her and Jah Jeh that it was nothing to dread and the reward was well worth the struggle.

  Kai Li might be right. If this took many days, their child might be born on the anniversary of Jesu
s’s birth. Mei Ling rubbed her belly and telegraphed a message to her daughter: You’ll be in my arms soon. I promise to take care of you, no matter what.

  Siew’s face flashed in Mei Ling’s mind. I hope you are well, little one. When this daughter is old enough, I will look harder for you.

  In the dark, Mei Ling laid a towel on the bed and climbed back into its warmth. She snuggled into her husband, her back pressing against Kai Li. In his sleep he wrapped an arm over her hip and cradled her belly with his hand. He had no idea their life was about to change dramatically.

  The uncertainty that had been her constant companion was about to be resolved. She wanted to have this life with Kai Li as her husband. Mei Ling prayed to Quan Yin, Please have him be as devoted to this daughter as he is to Bo.

  She slept fitfully, dozing between mild contractions. Sometime while she was sleeping Kai Li left for work, and she found herself alone with Bo when she woke. Except for that first one, the labor pains were mild enough to hide. She went about her day as best as she could, pausing to breathe and stretch when a cramp required her full attention.

  Mei Ling had little experience with birth but trusted that it would progress as necessary—and that she could manage it. She’d heard it was wise to have a sharp knife close at hand for cutting the cord, and she left a basin of water by the bed as well.

  By late afternoon, she was unable to do anything besides attend to the labor. She paced until a pain consumed her body, then she would kneel at the side of the bed, resting her arms and head on the flat surface, and letting her belly hang low. Bo patted her back gently.

  “Mah-ma will be all right,” she explained to him. “The baby is coming to join us.” She tried to smile reassuringly, but she imagined it appeared as a grimace as another pain came. It must be confusing to the boy. She regretted that she hadn’t told Kai Li the baby was coming. He might have been able to stay home to care for Bo, and perhaps give her some comfort too, though men didn’t belong in a birth room. More than ever she missed Jah Jeh, Ahma, and Mah-ma.

  The surges started coming one after another, barely allowing her breath to return to normal before another one came. She was exhausted by the intensity and starting to fear something might be wrong. Why wasn’t this baby born yet? This was so much harder than she anticipated.

  “Uh-oh!” Bo’s voice cut through her stupor.

  She lifted her head from the bed. He pointed to the floor. She looked between her legs. Blood! A stream of red ran down her bare thigh. When had she exposed herself by removing her clothes? She started to shake so hard she couldn’t stop herself. With the next surge, the sounds of a wild animal filled her head. Was that sound coming from her? From Bo?

  Someone was by her side.

  “Mah-ma,” Mei Ling called, though her mother was far, far away.

  She opened her eyes. It was Kai Li. He brushed the hair back from her face. He pulled at her arms, but she resisted. She couldn’t leave the floor. Another surge hit. The sound repeated. Her limbs shook.

  Mei Ling grabbed at her husband; desperate, she looked him straight in the eye and begged. “Help,” she cried. “Help me.”

  Kai Li’s dark-brown eyes grew round and large with panic. When the pain subsided, she released him and collapsed back over the bed. He backed away from her. Through the haze, she watched him take Bo and leave through the door. She reached out an arm, wanting to cry out in protest, but she had no strength.

  Tears ran down her cheeks as sobs racked her body. Her fear had come true, but even worse: Kai Li had abandoned her and taken her Bo. She was going to die alone in this room.

  Wave after wave came, too many to track. The door opened. A slight woman walked through and came right to her side.

  Mei Ling grabbed at the stranger. “Help me,” she begged.

  The woman replied, calm in her voice, “I’m here just for that purpose: your husband sent me to be with you.”

  A shiver of relief surged through Mei Ling. She wouldn’t die alone.

  “I’m going to touch you. Don’t be ashamed, for it is our natural state.”

  Mei Ling rested her head against the bed, exhaling deeply, and surrendered herself to this auntie’s care. Cool cloths cleaned between her legs. Warm tea passed her lips. Strong arms pushed on her back. Hours passed until with a sudden force she had to go to the bathroom. She struggled to stand up.

  “It is the baby, ready to see the world,” the woman said. “No need to find a toilet. Push him out in this room.”

  “My baby is a girl,” Mei Ling replied.

  “Then she will take her first breath right here,” the woman said lightly.

  Mei Ling teared up. “He wants a son. What if he doesn’t accept her?”

  The woman sighed and shook her head.

  “What do I do?” Mei Ling implored.

  “You will do what needs to be done. Like mothers before you,” the woman said. “But don’t concern yourself with that right now. You just get this baby out.”

  The urge built up until it barreled through her like a galloping horse. She could think of nothing besides the desperate need to get this baby out. Then it subsided.

  Again and again the fierce desire overcame her, forcing her to bear down with all her might. Then it released her. Between the compulsions, Auntie patted her arm, offered her tea, and wiped her brow with cool cloths. Mei Ling was unable to move from the side of the bed, so the woman knelt next to her, attending to her needs on the firm wooden floor.

  “I see the hair!” The woman beamed at Mei Ling. “Good girl. You are doing so well. You are a good mother.”

  Mei Ling reached between her legs, feeling for the bulge. The woman guided her hand until . . . she touched her baby for the first time. Mei Ling’s heart swelled. Her daughter was nearly here!

  With the next surge the baby’s head came through her legs.

  “One more!” Auntie encouraged.

  But the force was gone.

  “Push,” the woman shouted. “All on you now. Push!”

  Mei Ling bore down, and she felt the rest of the baby’s body slip out. A huge surge of relief rushed through her.

  With a newfound focus she turned around, lifting a leg over the cord that still bound her to her child. Sitting on the floor, up against the bed, on top of all sorts of cloths and mats, she reached for her child. A girl. Just as Pasha predicted. A perfect, beautiful daughter.

  She cradled the baby on her chest as the little one panted, lifting her head up and down a little. Mei Ling rubbed her sticky back, unbothered by the mixture of red, white, and clear birth fluids.

  “It’s okay. I’m here,” Mei Ling cooed to her daughter. “You’re safe.”

  The little girl coughed and sputtered, attending to her first responsibility: breathing. Mei Ling wondered at the glory of this precious child while the woman attended to the afterbirth and tied off the cord. Her daughter wiggled toward Mei Ling’s breast. The baby’s head bobbed up and down, her mouth wide open, until her lips landed around the knob of nipple. Then she sucked hard, startling Mei Ling and causing her uterus to contract. The intensity waned after a few sucks, and Mei Ling felt her whole body surrender to joy.

  Joy! Mei Ling looked at her daughter. So much love bubbled up in her chest that it hurt beautifully. Her grandmother had chosen well—Jingyi was the perfect name for her daughter. Mei Ling had Joy right here.

  The baby suckled while the woman cleaned and packed Mei Ling with herbs to stem the bleeding. After they were finished, Mei Ling climbed into bed. The woman washed Joy and wrapped her in swaddling cloths. Then she left to tell her family it was over. Mei Ling was staring at the precious new life in her arms when Kai Li and Bo returned to their room.

  Kai Li stood at the doorway, his face hard to read. He mostly looked afraid, but perhaps there was relief there too. He walked forward and bowed. At his side, Bo mimicked his father, and then climbed onto the bed with Mei Ling.

  “Baby?” Bo asked.

  Mei Ling’s heart beat a
nxiously in her chest. “Yes. This is your sister?” She meant to state it definitively, but it came out as more of a question. She smiled at Bo. He reached out a little finger and rubbed it ever so gently across Joy’s cheek.

  Mei Ling smiled at his tenderness. She looked up at Kai Li. Tears streamed down his face. He was displeased. Her heart sank and her throat swelled. All happiness fled from her heart. She swallowed hard and bit her own lip to prevent herself from crying.

  “A daughter?” Kai Li asked.

  Mei Ling nodded, her face as tight as her heart. Protective fury built in her.

  Steely-voiced, she whispered, “You are disappointed not to have a son, husband.”

  “No,” Kai Li replied in a whisper, shaking his head slowly. “We have a son.” He looked at her, not bothering to wipe away his tears. “Now we have a precious lotus flower too. She is beautiful. Thank you, wife.”

  Mei Ling’s heart cracked open wide. She put her hand to her mouth to squelch a sob. Her shoulders quivered as she wept in relief. She wouldn’t need to escape Kai Li to protect her daughter; she could keep walking this path with him. Bo wiped at her cheek.

  “Mah-ma sad?” he asked.

  She shook her head slowly. “No. Mah-ma is happy. So very happy.”

  She smiled at Kai Li, feeling for the first time that they might become a strong and honorable family despite the deceptions that started their marriage.

  She gestured to Kai Li, raising up their daughter, offering the small package to her father. His eyes grew wide.

  “Come, sit. Hold your daughter,” she directed her husband.

  Cautiously he lowered himself. She placed the infant in his arms. Kai Li stared in wonder at their Joy.

  Finally he spoke, his voice hoarse with emotion. “I didn’t get to see my son when he was born. I missed too much. With this one I won’t miss anything.”