Finding Forever (Meet the McIntyres Book 5)

by Rebecca Barber

  “I wouldn’t call it dancing. More like stripping, I’d say.”

  Someone save me.

  I’d gone and done it.

  Again.

  Connor McIntyre. Embarrassing himself everywhere he goes.

  Right now, as much as I wanted a meat pie and a hot shower, I figured I needed to hear the rest. Not that I wasn’t almost one hundred percent certain I’d hear about it again and again and again, but I might as well rip off the band-aid.

  “Tell me.”

  Beau was loving this. Asshole. Payback would come. It might take time, but one day he’d have a teenage daughter, and I for one was going to sit back with a beer and watch him try and navigate that one. Hopefully he’d learnt a thing or two from being around Holly. Hopefully he didn’t learn too much, though. He needed to suffer at least a little bit.

  “Well, apparently when you arrived at the pub, you were ranting about irrational women and how they could never just give you a straight answer. No one was sure what you were on about. They just let you sit and sulk into your beer. Blue tried to cut you off when you switched from beer to rum.”

  “Explains the head…” Rum always made me feel like shit, which is why I tried to avoid it. When I was on a mission though, rum was my poison of choice.

  “First the dancing started. Then the singing. Then came the stripping. Apparently, you promoted yourself to DJ for the evening.”

  “Shit.”

  “Yep. But when you found INXS’ ‘I Need You Tonight,’ your clothes just started coming off.”

  “Oh my god!”

  “By the time I arrived, you were standing there with your jeans around your ankles and your Batman boxers there for the world to see. Somehow I managed to convince you to do up your pants and get in the car. When I got you home, you tried to give Payton a lap dance before she pushed you off and you landed on the couch and passed out.”

  “Fuck off! I didn’t give Payton a lap dance…did I?” I wasn’t sure. I hoped the hell I hadn’t. It would make life awkward as fuck, but Beau hadn’t punched me in the face for it yet, so maybe, just maybe, he was exaggerating.

  “Go ask her yourself.” He winked before leaving me sitting there alone, shirtless, feeling even worse.

  After giving up on the god-awful coffee, I headed to the bathroom and did my best to put myself back together. After washing my face, swishing around some mouthwash, and finger combing my hair, I pulled my t-shirt back over my head. I caught the distinct stench of cigarettes. I can’t believe I’d been smoking too. I never smoked. It was a disgusting habit and one I’d never been interested in. The smell alone, the way it got on your clothes and in your hair, the way it clung to your skin, was enough to turn me off for life.

  I made my way back to the lounge room and stuffed my feet in my shoes. I had to get going. Because I’d been an idiot yesterday, today I had to make up for it. Trying to get a day and a half’s work done in one day while battling a bitch of a hangover wasn’t my idea of fun, but it would probably do me a world of good. At least if I was out there beating the shit out of fence poles and arguing with stupid sheep who always insisted on going the wrong way, I was away from people. Probably the safest and smartest option.

  “Where’s Robin?” I asked as Beau reappeared.

  “Down for a nap. Here.” He tossed one of his t-shirts at me. “That one stinks. Where you headed?”

  “Bakery, then home.”

  “Bakery?”

  “Calm your farm. I’m not going to hit on your wife.”

  “Better fucking not be.”

  “Nah, not my style.”

  “What! Payton’s not good enough for you now?”

  “What?”

  “She was good enough to bump and grind on last night, but now she’s not your style.”

  “Cocksucker!” He had me going for a minute there. Beau’s biggest flaw though, was he had no staying power. He couldn’t keep a straight face long enough to pull off the joke. “Actually, I was going to go and apologise and hopefully grab some food.”

  “No worries.”

  “Thanks for…you know.” I felt bad about everything.

  “Any time, Connor. You know that. And if you need anything…” He didn’t need to finish that sentence. I already knew he was here. It was one of the best things about being a part of a big family. There was always someone who had your back, no matter what. That’s what a family was. People who loved you no matter how many times you fucked up.

  Giving him one of those manly half-hugs, I headed out the door, a feeling of dread churning my stomach. Or maybe it was the lack of food and the stale booze that were making me uncomfortable.

  Walking down the street felt like the walk of shame. And although it wasn’t a traditional walk of shame, it definitely embarrassed me. Thank god we lived in a small town. It only took me ten minutes to get back to the main street and spot my ute parked exactly where I’d left it. In the city that wasn’t something you’d risk. Leaving your car out all night was an invitation for it to get stolen or trashed. Here, there was a very good chance you could leave the doors unlocked and no one would touch it.

  Standing outside the bakery, I stared through the windows. It was empty inside, which was both a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing because it meant I didn’t have to confront Payton with her usual entourage, who almost always had something to say. It was a curse because it meant there was no one here to save me from Payton’s wrath, either. Not that I deserved saving.

  When she appeared through the door leading to the kitchen, a streak of something white on her cheek and her arms filled with a tray of pink frosted cupcakes, I froze. Standing outside, peering through the windows made me feel like a creeper, but I couldn’t move. My feet felt like they were encased in concrete.

  Payton carefully slid the tray into the display case before standing up and spotting me. Where I was prepared for her to go ballistic on me, a sad smile crossed her face as she beckoned me in with a wave.

  Unable to stand any longer, I pushed open the heavy door, those damn bells jingling as I passed through. I wanted to rip them down and toss them across the street. Today though, I had bigger problems.

  “Payton…” My words caught in my mouth. The whole way here I’d been preparing what I wanted to say. Apologising just didn’t seem enough, but it was all I had.

  “Sit down, Connor. You look like shit. I’ll get you a coffee, and what do you want to eat?” Wow! Payton had her bossy pants on today, but I wasn’t about to point that out. I didn’t have a death wish. Not yet, anyway. Besides, her coffee was guaranteed to be better than the muck Beau served.

  Silently, I slipped into a booth and wrung my hands. I was nervous. I never got nervous. It was the kind of anxious you get when you got called to the principal’s office and you were trying to work out which one of the hundred and five things you’d done that they’d managed to ping you for. Not that I’d know.

  Payton set down a steaming mug in front of me. The smell alone made me groan. Before I could reach for it though, she handed me cutlery, a napkin, and a meat pie. It was no wonder Beau had slipped his ring on her finger as quickly as he did. Payton was something else.

  When she slid into the booth opposite me, I had to spit my apology out before I could take a bite. “I’m sorry, Payton.”

  “For which part, Connor?”

  Damn! She wasn’t about to make this easy for me. “For everything. I was an ass. And I definitely shouldn’t have embarrassed myself and you last night.”

  With a dismissive wave of her hand, she giggled. The sound alone made me instantly feel lighter. “You better not be apologising for the sexy ass lap dance you gave me.”

  “You liked that?”

  “Hell yeah! I liked what came after that even better though,” she teased with a wink.

  “I don’t even want to know.” The last thing I needed to think about right now was my brother’s sex life. I was feeling queasy as it was. “Seriously though, I’m sorry I w
as a dick.”

  “Connor, sweetheart…” Oh shit. Here it comes. “It’s not me you need to apologise to. I get it. But I know you. You didn’t mean to be an ass, it just happened.”

  “Thanks.” I can’t believe she was letting me off the hook that easily. It didn’t seem right.

  “You know who you owe one hell of an apology to though, don’t you?” Payton sounded hopeful.

  Of course, I knew. I wasn’t a complete douche, contrary to how recent events may make me look. “Yeah.”

  “Any ideas?”

  “Not one.”

  “It’s going to have to be good. Not some half assed mumbled ‘I’m sorry’ either.”

  “I know.”

  “You know who could help you with this?” Payton offered. I was still stunned she wasn’t slapping me, but I wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. “Ryan. Your brother lives with her. He’d know what to say.”

  “Yeah.” Why hadn’t I thought of that? It was so damn obvious.

  “He also might be able to answer some of those questions I know are driving you crazy.” With a wink Payton slipped back out of the booth and headed for the counter just as those damn bells jingled again.

  I was so tired. Beyond exhausted is probably a better description. It had been a whirlwind trip. People had surprised me at every turn, and now I was in the back of the car, an hour from home, replaying the conversations in my head, trying to make sense of everything. It was a lot.

  Jenna had cancer.

  Jenna was dying.

  Jenna was dying soon.

  She needed me.

  I needed her.

  I was moving back. There was no other option. We’d talked for hours and hours. We’d circled around the elephant in the room, but we kept coming back to the problem. Jenna needed my help, and I needed hers. We needed each other in completely different ways, but it was a desperate need, nonetheless. I didn’t know how much longer she had left, but I knew, I felt it deep down in the bottom of my heart, I needed to be with her for every minute. I couldn’t imagine a world Jenna wasn’t a part of it. I didn’t want to. It was a reality I’d have to deal with at some point. Not yet though. For now, we’d focus on all the good things.

  Derek had been a challenge, but he turned to mush the minute Lachlan wrapped his tiny fist around Derek’s finger. Once he’d ushered me inside and Mia had joined us, we all cried. To say they were shocked at what I’d done was an understatement. When I’d explained everything, twice, Derek seemed to understand.

  “Can I ask what made you take that road?” Mia asked.

  No one had come out and asked me. Jenna had pussyfooted around the question, but Mia had just put it out there. And I was scared. Scared my answer would make me sound selfish or something.

  “I’ve always wanted to be a mum.”

  “I get that, more than you know. But why go it alone?”

  I felt like a shit. Mia couldn’t have kids, and here I was doing it the wrong way. Or my way. I wasn’t exactly sure anymore. “I couldn’t wait forever for Mr. Right to come along. I wanted to be a mum so I did something about it.”

  “You didn’t even tell me!” Derek added, obviously hurt.

  “I didn’t tell anyone. Not even Ryan.”

  “He knew, though.”

  “He did. In the end. When he found the needles and medications, I had to explain. He thought I was some kind of junkie.”

  “So you went through everything on your own? The appointments, the scans, even the birth?”

  “Almost. Ryan came to a few of them.”

  Derek cracked his knuckles and rolled his neck from side to side. “Was he there when Lachlan was born?”

  “Yeah. He was.”

  “Why wasn’t I?”

  I hated this. It’d never been my intention to hurt Derek, in fact he was probably the last person in the world I wanted to hurt, but yet again, I’d fucked up. “I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.”

  “Zoe…”

  “I know. You’ve been amazing with Lachlan and with me, but I needed to do this on my own.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I can’t keep relying on the men in my life to save me. I need to save myself. I need to learn how to make myself happy. I love you and your hero complex, but I need to be strong enough on my own,” I rushed out all in one breath. I hoped Derek understood. I couldn’t bear it if he didn’t.

  “You’re incredibly strong, Zoe…”

  “I know. But between Spencer, and you, and Ryan, it just feels like sometimes I use you as a crutch instead of facing things on my own.”

  “I get it,” Mia whispered as she snuggled down against Derek.

  Derek didn’t look as convinced. Maybe time would help. “Promise me something.”

  Catching me off guard, I would have agreed to pretty much anything if it meant turning his frown upside down. “What’s that?”

  “No more secrets. You want to do something, with or without my help, you don’t hide it from me. I’m here and I’ll always have your back. But you got to promise me, no more secrets.”

  “I can do that.”

  After a few hugs, and an unexpected slap on the ass for hiding from him, Derek softened. He was still hurt I hadn’t told him, and I’d done it alone, but I think he got it. At least I hoped he would in time. When I’d asked him what he thought about me moving back to help Jenna, he dragged me from the chair and crushed me in one of those hugs that only Derek could give. The moment I was in his arms, I dissolved into another teary mess. Eventually he let go and I realised I loved them both. Even though they were shocked at first, and even a little angry, they’d accepted Lachlan like he was one of their own, and had already offered babysitting services. An offer I knew I’d be taking up at some point.

  Then there was Connor.

  I’d never hated someone as much as I did him right now. The things he said. The things he accused me of. I should regret slapping him—violence was never the answer—but he had it coming. With each kilometre we put between us, I calmed down a little bit. I mean, if I put myself in Connor’s shoes, I could kinda see it from his perspective. The timeline was more than a little suss, but that still didn’t give him the right to act like a gigantic prick. I didn’t deserve that.

  Glancing down into Lachlan’s capsule, I watched silently as he slept. Fuck, I loved this kid. How could I not? He was gorgeous. He might not know it now, but he held my whole heart in his tiny little hands. He was my everything. Even the idea of moving back there, to the one place I swore I’d never return to, seemed easier with him in my life. Sure, I still had a hell of a lot to sort out before next weekend, but knowing it was the right thing to do for us, for Lachlan and me, for my family, made the pill a little easier to swallow.

  “You okay back there, Zoe? You’ve been awfully quiet,” Ryan asked as he half turned in the front seat.

  “Yeah. Just figuring some stuff out.”

  “Sounds ominous, “Alex offered, his eyes not leaving the road.

  “Are you sure you’re okay with me moving?” I asked, feeling like a shit. Even though Ryan was an adult, I still felt like I was abandoning him. Granted he wasn’t the same scared, lost kid he’d been when he’d arrived on my doorstep, but it didn’t make leaving him any easier.

  “Zoe. Don’t worry about me, sweetie. You need to be there for Jenna. And for you. I get that.” Reaching behind him, he grabbed my hand intertwining my fingers with his. He was such a good guy, unlike his brother.

  “Are you really sure though? You can say no if you’re not…”

  “Zoe. Ryan spends all his time at my place anyway. Most of his shit’s already in my wardrobe. Maybe this is the kick in the ass we both need to stop pretending we’re not already living together and for Ryan to officially move in,” Alex added.

  I laughed. Fuck, it felt good. It seemed like Alex had his own agenda for me leaving Melbourne. One that finally convinced his boyfriend to move in with him, something I heard him ask
already a million times.

  “Maybe if someone asked nicely…” Ryan was being the cheeky shit head I knew he could be. The problem was, I loved this side of him. Sure, it got him in trouble more often than he’d care to admit, but somehow it seemed to get him out of it just as much. Something I’d never understand.

  “Ryan McIntyre, will you move in with me?” Alex asked dramatically.

  “Hmmm. I’ll think about it.” Ryan winked at me. Even though technically he hadn’t agreed, I knew we’d be packing up whatever was left of Ryan’s stuff at the same time we were boxing up mine.

  The two of them finally biting the bullet and Ryan moving out helped make one of my decisions easier. I guess I was putting the house up for sale too. I wasn’t coming back. I wasn’t naïve enough to pretend I was. Maybe one day. Maybe when Lachlan was in high school or even university we’d move back to Melbourne, but for the foreseeable future we were going home.

  Home.

  Shit. I guess I’d get used to it eventually. It would just take some time, I reminded myself over and over to keep the panic attack at bay. To say I feared moving there was an understatement. I was terrified. Derek had carried me out of that godforsaken town when I hit rock bottom. Going back meant facing the demons I’d left behind. Demons I hoped I’d buried in my past. The only thing that was giving me the strength to follow through with my decision was the knowledge that no matter what I was stronger now. I’d been through so much. I survived so much. And this time, I wasn’t on my own. I had people there I could rely on, their hands outstretched ready to catch me if I lost my way. There was no way they were going to let me hit the ground.

  A phone chirped, and I searched for mine in my bag. Unable to find it, I realised how desperately I needed to clean it out. It was filled with crap I didn’t even remember putting in there. There were three dummies, no wonder every time I went to the shops I had to buy another pack because I’d lost yet another one. Tissues, two pairs of sunglasses, an empty bottle of water, a packet of chewing gum, a balled-up t-shirt that I couldn’t remember if it was dirty or clean, a cloth, a nappy, and a whole heap of old shopping lists. My once orderly life had spiralled out of control, all within four weeks. But when Lachlan whimpered in his sleep, I knew I wouldn’t have it any other way.