Uninhibited

by Melody Grace

  Dex doesn’t belong to you either. It’s just a week, remember?

  I don’t know why, but the reminder makes me ache with sadness. I move forwards to join Tegan. “Here, I’ve got that.” I take the plate from her hands. “You must have had a long trip. Did you fly straight here?”

  “I had a couple of connections.” She studies me, her darkly-lined eyes assessing me with open curiosity. I shift, feeling self-conscious under her gaze.

  “So…how do you know my brother?” Tegan finally asks.

  “We met at a show he did a couple of months ago,” I reply. Tegan rolls her eyes, and I realize that makes me sound like some kind of groupie like those girls we ran into the other day: eagerly waiting by the stage door, wanting to do anything to get past the rope.

  “I didn’t know who he was at first,” I add quickly. “What about you?” I change the subject. “How was Paris?”

  “It’s great,” Tegan replies, brightening. “There’s so much cool stuff going on. Art, music, culture. It’s so vibrant there, a really big international scene. Have you ever been?”

  I shake my head. “Not yet. I haven’t traveled much, but’s on my list, one day. Were you studying there for school?”

  “No, I was just over visiting a friend of mine. I’m not really doing the school thing, not yet anyway. I haven’t really figured out what I want to be,” she adds, with a quiet note in her voice. Tegan reaches over to steal some bacon from the plate Dex has prepared, and I see the delicate ink of a tattoo on the inside of her wrist. A flutter of birds in flight, scattered on the pale skin all the way up to her elbow.

  She follows my gaze. “Dex flipped when I got them done. I don’t know why, I had his artist ink me.”

  “He was probably just worried,” I reply.

  “He shouldn’t be. I was always the one to keep him in line,” Tegan tells me with a wry look. “The guys could barely get themselves to the studio in the morning after a late night out at the clubs.”

  “Was this in LA?” I ask. Dex told me the story of what happened, but I’m curious to fill in the blanks of his account.

  “I was practically their manager,” Tegan replies. “Well, assistant manager. Eddy did the deals with the label, and I babysat big brother to keep all those crazed groupies away. I went on tour with them too. Foreign crowds are the craziest,” she adds, with a mischievous look. “This one time, these two Argentinian girls—”

  “Alicia doesn’t want to hear about that.” Dex’s voice cuts her off. He enters, dressed in jeans and a faded blue T-shirt, his hair wet from the shower.

  My stomach turns a slow flip just looking at him.

  “No war stories, OK, Tegan?” Dex adds with a warning note.

  “Why not?” Tegan says deliberately, “Or are you pretending like none of it ever happened?”

  They stare at each other across the kitchen counter. Suddenly, there’s tension in the air.

  “I’m going to pass out if I don’t eat right now,” I say brightly. “Dex, this looks amazing.”

  He relaxes. “It’s not exactly how I planned it.” He gives me a rueful look. “Some people should call before showing up.” He gives his sister a meaningful look, and Tegan rolls her eyes.

  “What happened to ‘mi casa es su casa’?” she counters. “Admit it, big brother. You missed me.”

  Dex breaks into a grin, reaching out to ruffle her hair. Tegan makes a noise of protest, ducking away. “Sure I missed you, kid. Who else is going to do all my dishes?”

  “Dream on!”

  I smile, watching them. The affection between them is clear, a bond that runs deeper than anything. I remember that they grew up together without their parents—and that whatever happened to Connor, it left its mark behind on Tegan too.

  My smile fades. Last night was important, not just for me, but for Dex too. It felt like he finally accepted the possibility he might not be to blame for Connor’s death. I just hope having his sister here won’t bring back the ghosts we’ve only just begun to bury.

  We eat at the table overlooking the bay. Although I’d just been trying to relieve the tension, I find that I really am hungry, and savor the eggs with cheese and fresh bread I drench in honey. “This is so good,” I tell Dex gratefully. He’s sitting at the head of the table, with Tegan and I on either side. “I forgot that you can cook.”

  “Just one of my many talents,” Dex grins at me suggestively. “I’ve always been good with my hands.”

  I catch my breath. Good doesn’t even come close to describing the magic those fingers worked on my aching body last night.

  Tegan clears her throat. “Hello? I’m right here.”

  I look away, blushing, but Dex just chuckles. “Yeah, you are. What made you come back early? I thought you were staying over there for another couple of weeks.”

  Tegan shrugs. “Zoey started her internship. It was fun out there, but her hours are crazy. I didn’t really want to hang around waiting for her to get home at night.”

  “Zoey’s holding down a job?” Dex looks surprised. He turns to me to explain. “Those two ran riot, all through high school. We’d get calls from the boarding school, threatening to kick them out. Vacations weren’t much better. God, you guys nearly gave me a heart attack partying underage,” he says to Tegan. “I felt like a hypocrite, reading them the riot act when I’d just stumbled in from the bars myself.”

  “Yeah, well, that was a long time ago.” Tegan gets a clouded look in her eyes. “We’ve both grown up now.”

  There’s a pause. Dex looks down. “I know you have.”

  Before I can think, I reach under the table and take Dex's hand. I squeeze it gently, supportive, and feel his fingers close around mine, holding tight. We share a small smile, and for a moment, everything is relaxed again: good food, a beautiful view, music playing low on the surround speakers. Then Tegan’s voice comes, deliberate.

  “I talked to Austin.”

  Dex flinches. He whips his head around, letting go of my hand. “Why would you do that?”

  “Because he’s my friend.” Tegan pushes her plate away. “They all are. That didn’t stop the minute you quit the band and stopped talking to them.”

  “I didn’t stop talking—”

  “He says you haven’t returned his calls in months,” Tegan corrects him gently. “The other guys are the same.”

  Dex lets out a sharp breath. “I told them, I needed some time to clear my head.”

  “And they gave it to you.” Tegan looks at him plaintively. “Dex, what are you doing?”

  “Trying to have a nice breakfast with my sister and my guest.” Dex stares back at her, until Tegan looks away.

  I shift, uncomfortable at the tension. Suddenly, it feels like there’s a crescendo of unspoken words hanging over us, a history I can’t begin to understand.

  “Austin’s playing a show tomorrow night in the city,” Tegan continues, a defiant note in her voice. “It would mean a lot to him if you went.”

  Dex pauses, looking interested despite himself. “Solo? I heard he was writing some stuff, but I didn’t realize it was ready to go.”

  Tegan nods. “It’s great, what I’ve heard of the demos, anyway. It’s the first time he’s playing on his own, a secret show, and you know how he gets…”

  Dex gives a nostalgic smile. “I know.”

  “So, think about it?” Tegan looks eager. “It’s just a few hours away.”

  I see the struggle on Dex’s face, then he shuts down again. “I can’t. I have a guest, remember?”

  Tegan turns to me. “Alicia, you don’t mind going to an awesome show, do you?” Before I can answer, she looks back at Dex. “See? She wants to come. We can all go.”

  “Tegan…” There’s a warning note in Dex’s voice.

  “You can’t keep hiding out here forever,” Tegan says quietly. “You have to face them eventually.”

  Dex doesn’t reply for the longest time. The shadows are back in his eyes, the demons I thought we’d
chased away last night.

  I reach out and take his hand again, on top of the table this time, not caring if Tegan sees. “Hey,” I murmur, until he turns to look at me. “I’m here, remember? Whatever you decide, I’ll be right next to you. But if you’re not ready…”

  Tegan frowns. “What do you know about it?”

  I stare back evenly. “Enough. If he’s not ready to go back to that scene, you shouldn’t be pushing him.”

  Tegan gets a pissed look on her face, like I have no right to be interrupting, and maybe I don’t. But Dex is holding on to me, and as far as I’m concerned, he’s the only one who matters right now.

  “It’s OK.” Dex speaks up. “I guess…we can go to the show.”

  Tegan leaps up, throwing her arms around him in a hug. “You won’t regret it, I promise. He’s going to be so pumped to see you. And I think he said Eddy’s coming too, so you guys can talk about everything, maybe see about that reunion, or solo record—”

  “No!” Dex barks, pushing her away. “It’s one show, that’s it, Tegan. None of the rest of that bullshit, you have to promise me.”

  Tegan bites her lip, looking stubborn.

  “I mean it,” he warns her, scowling. “We’re going to support Austin, but nothing else. If I’m lucky, nobody will even know I’m there.”

  She sighs. “OK, have it your way.” She backs away to the doorway, already reaching for her phone. “I’ll text him now and tell him to put us on the guest list. This is going to be great!”

  Tegan hurries inside, her sandals clattering on the ground.

  I look over to Dex. He give me a rueful smile. “Meet my sister, a force of nature. Nothing can stand in her path.”

  “Are you sure about this?” I check.

  “No, it’s OK. She’s right,” he adds with a sigh. “I can’t hide away here forever. This’ll be simple. I mean, I’m not the one playing the show.”

  Still, something in his expression is shadowed. Not tense or angry anymore, just…sad.

  I feel a strange wave of protectiveness. I’d do anything to make those ghosts disappear, help him be the happy, teasing guy I’ve come to know so well. I get up and circle the table, sitting in his lap. I rest my arms around his shoulders, and lean my head down, until our foreheads are touching. “You just give me the word,” I whisper, letting my hair fall forwards, blocking out the world around us. “If you want to leave, if we even arrive and you want to turn around and come right back here, just say.”

  I feel Dex’s body relax, warm against me. He smiles. “Thank you. I don’t think I’d be doing this without you.”

  His hands slide over my hips, pulling me closer against him. A shiver of response ripples like clockwork through my body. “The show isn’t until tonight, you know,” he adds, reaching up to cup my cheek and bring my face down that final few inches. “We’ve got the whole day until then…”

  His lips find mine in a slow, hot kiss. I melt into his arms, savoring the taste of him; the touch. The waves crash softly in the distance, and I stroke his cheek, his stubble rough against my thumb.

  For just a moment, it’s us again: private and hidden, perfectly at ease. Then there’s a sound. Tegan clearing her throat.

  I lift my head. She’s in the doorway, watching us with a look of amusement. “We’re all set, your name’s on the list,” she says, beaming. “This is going to be great!”

  22.

  DEX

  I sit on the beach and watch the waves break, steady on the shore. After breakfast, Tegan went to get settled in, and Alicia disappeared back to her bedroom fast, murmuring something about catching up on work emails. I don’t blame her. After a few perfect days together in our own little universe, the outside world has suddenly come crashing in: my sister hauling a mountain of old issues and bullshit back through my doors along with that suitcase of hers.

  I sigh, trying to relax. My whole body is stiff with tension, and I was on a knife’s edge all through breakfast, waiting for Tegan to open her mouth and say the wrong thing. To her, they’re just funny stories from the road, a dozen crazy antics that make for a good yarn, but to me, they’re painful reminders of the man I used to be. I don’t want Alicia knowing that man, not now he’s in the past forever.

  Alicia...

  I feel a wave of gratitude so large I could drown in the relief of it all. Part of me can’t believe it yet, that she’s standing by me despite everything. But last night, it felt for a glorious moment like I was wiping the slate clean. I told her the truth, every black, selfish thought, all the bitter sins that have been haunting me since that terrible night in London. I thought it would be the end for us, that I would finally push her away.

  Instead of leaving, she kissed the pain from my broken heart.

  Instead of judging me, she understood.

  Instead of blaming me, she offered a glimpse of forgiveness.

  I catch my breath, still awed by her grace and kindness. For the first time, I saw that she was right. That Connor’s addiction wasn’t my fault. I still blame myself, I think I always will, but sitting right here on the beach with her, my burden eased, just a little.

  In her arms, I was the man I want to be. Without the chorus of blame and wretched guilt driving me half-crazy in my mind. She makes it all stop. She looks at me like I’m worth saving. Like I’m a good man behind the bullshit.

  She makes me feel that maybe, just maybe, there’s hope for me yet.

  “Hey, big brother.”

  I turn. Tegan is making her way towards me, barefoot on the sand. She’s got a couple of sodas in her hand, and she hands me one before dropping to the ground beside me with a thump.

  She inhales deeply, the light breeze sending her hair dancing in her eyes as she looks out at the cloudless bay. “OK, so maybe I can see the appeal of this place,” she says with a faint smile.

  “Was Paris what you needed?” I ask. My brothers and I fought like crazy over whether we should let her go. It was too soon after rehab, too far away for anyone to help if she got in trouble again. My heart clenches just remembering the call that day. Sirens and screaming and the neon bright hospital wards. A panic so deep I thought I would lose my fucking mind.

  She swears it’s behind her, but after Connor, I wasn’t about to make the same mistake. I put my foot down. No fucking way. But in the end, Tegan made the decision for us. She booked her ticket and was half a world away before she called to tell us it was done.

  Now, I can see the trip was good for her. She still looks too pale, too fragile, like a strong wind could break her right in two, but there’s a spark back in her eyes. She looks focused and determined, like she’s woken from the daze she was in for so long.

  Tegan nods. “I think so. I was good to get away from it all. And you guys too. It’s not that I don’t love you,” she adds quickly. “But it’s three against one. Sometimes, you smother me so much I can barely breathe.”

  “We’re only trying to look out for you.” I say gruffly.

  She smiles, leaning to rest her head on my shoulder. “I know. But I’m a big girl now, I need to take care of myself.”

  I take a breath. She’s my baby sister. There won’t be a day in both our lives I’m not trying to protect her.

  But look what a shitty job you’ve done so far.

  “Alicia’s interesting.” Tegan says, with a note of amusement in her voice.

  I tense. “Interesting how?”

  “Relax, big brother,” she laughs. “I just meant, she’s not like the other girls you’ve had around.”

  I exhale. “No, no she isn’t.”

  Tegan lifts her head, turning to look at me. “Do you like her?”

  Her voice is still playful, like we’re sitting around talking about a grade-school crush, but as I try to think of a reply, I feel a fierce possessiveness in my chest that’s no joke.

  Words can’t describe the connection that’s growing between Alicia and me. How much I need her, how she drives me out of my mind with desire an
d hungry need.

  “Yes. I like her.”

  Tegan thinks about it for a moment, looking out at the waves. “I’m sorry I put you on the spot, about Austin’s show,” she finally says. “I was being a brat.”

  “You?” I tease her, shoving lightly. “Never.”

  “Hey!” Tegan shoves me back, harder, so I go sprawling in the sand. “I’m worried about you, big brother.”

  “Me? I’m doing just fine.”

  “Sure.” Tegan narrows her eyes. “That might play with Blake and Ash, but I know you. Music is a part of who you are,” she says fervently. “It’s in your blood. Putting down that guitar is like, like cutting off an arm! I just don’t understand why you’re shutting the band out, pretending like you don’t want to be out on the road again, in the studio where you belong.”

  Tegan is giving a voice to all the cruel voices I’ve been fighting to keep back all this time. She thinks she’s helping me, but the truth is, she’s the devil right now: tempting me to the edge of destruction with a whisper of the past.

  “I can’t go back,” I tell her, hollow. “It’s too dangerous. If I go down that path again…someone’s going to get hurt.”

  Tegan swallows, her face flickering with memories. “You always said what happened to Connor, it wasn’t my fault,” she whispers.

  “It wasn’t.” I growl, “And don’t you think for one second—”

  But she holds up her hand. She’s not finished yet.

  “I know that now.” Tegan nods slowly. “But you’re not to blame either. There was nothing either of us could have done to save him. You have to know that’s the truth.”

  I take a deep breath. “Maybe. But even if I can move past what happened, I don’t know if I can ever go back. That life, it made me someone I’m not proud of. I don’t want to be that man again.”