Because of Kian

by Sibylla Matilde

  “And what did Kian do? Was there adequate aftercare?”

  “I’m not sure what that is, but he held me. He was tender and calm and… loving,” I whispered and tears came to my eyes again. “It was all so amazingly emotional. He scares me.”

  “He scares you? Or do you scare you?”

  I couldn’t answer that.

  Brynn

  A heavy summer rain fell as I drove to Kian’s gym. Most people slowed down and drove more carefully when visibility was reduced and reaction time was shortened.

  I tended to do the opposite. Especially when I was in a funk.

  It was another way to push the envelope, a rush of adrenaline to instill a mortal fear into my soul and replace the emotionally crushing weight that so often settled around me. And, right then, that weight had me all kinds of fucked up.

  After the appointment with Rose, I was horribly unsettled. I usually left there feeling better, but today’s visit had pulled out some things I didn’t want to think about. Things I couldn’t stop thinking about.

  Because I had truly grown afraid of losing Kian. I’d pushed for so long, and he stayed. I’d told him how bonkers I was, and he stayed. Not only had he stayed, but he’d reacted by giving me even more. More security. More understanding. More release.

  And I grew more and more terrified. Because, as much as I wanted to believe this was something that could last, there were no guarantees. And at some point, he might throw in the towel and give up on me. He might decide that my baggage was too much of a burden. It already tore me to pieces to think of going on without him. And every day I felt like I needed him just a little bit more. At some point, it would reach a level that losing him would kill me.

  Rose said I needed to be careful. That, in a typical defense mechanism, I would probably try to push him away in an attempt to mitigate the pain I figured was inevitable. She expected it. When I finally confessed about that first romp in the gym and how I’d all but disappeared after, she hadn’t been surprised in the slightest. “And you’ll probably do it again. And again and again. You need to be aware of what you’re doing and why you’re doing it.”

  He deserved so much better than me. I was like an old yo-yo, pulling away and being drawn back in by a long, fragile string. It made me dizzy, and it wasn’t fair to Kian.

  With a tangle of emotion raging in my mind, I pulled up in front of the gym. Normally, Kian rode his bike, and, when we were together, I was on the back. I loved it. It fed my thrill-seeking vibe every time he hit the throttle. The power reminded me how fragile I was. Yet, at the same time, pressed against his strong back with my arms wrapped around his waist, I knew he’d protect me from anything and everything.

  I loved to be on the back of his bike.

  But the scorching hot days and cool summer nights were forecasted over the next couple days, and with them heavy thundershowers. So I’d offered to swing by in my car after my appointment with Rose, after his class. No plans for Hyper tonight, just dinner at my place.

  And, of course, everything after. I loved that, too.

  As I pulled up in front, Kian walked to the driver side. Ever since we’d had that first disagreement so long ago, he’d always driven. It didn’t matter if it was his bike, his pickup, or my car. I’d never questioned it, just always handed over my keys.

  But today I needed the control.

  “I’ll drive,” I said after rolling down my window. It came out a little more decidedly than I had intended. Even I could hear the obvious challenge in my voice.

  His brow furrowed. He knew something was up. But he didn’t fight me. He didn’t handle me with kid gloves, but he also didn’t push it when I toed the line.

  As he folded his large frame into the passenger seat of my car, he looked at me suspiciously. “What’s up, baby? I get the feeling you’re a bit off-kilter.”

  And the thing was, I didn’t know. I didn’t understand why I was feeling so raw. Why I was afraid of losing him when he seemed so confident about us being together. I was scared. All I knew was that everything suddenly felt so out of control, and I didn’t like it. It pissed me off.

  I chewed at my lip for a moment, debating the wisdom of my actions. In the end, I just shook my head and pulled out onto the wet city street. And, when I say I pulled out, I mean I floored it, tires spinning on the slippery pavement, even a bit of a fishtail as I straightened. Kian’s hand tightened on the door handle, but that was the only outward sign of his apprehension. I didn’t look over at him, although I felt his eyes on me, knowing the expression he wore without even looking. A mixture of concern and unease. An intimidating look, really. And it generally brought me under his thumb.

  But not today.

  Instead I sped through traffic, weaving in and out of the cars that were driving so much more responsibly than me. I got honked at a few times, and one dude flipped me off as I zipped by him.

  I could feel the questions coursing through Kian’s mind. I could almost hear him wondering what had set me off this time. It didn’t take much. I was fucking nuts. And he was crazy for wanting me anyway.

  As I approached a red light, my foot nowhere near the brake, Kian broke the silence.

  “You’re coming in kinda hot, Brynn,”

  “You know, this is a Monte Carlo, right?” I countered, glancing at him quickly before focusing again on the road ahead. “They drive these fuckers in NASCAR. I’m just driving it like it’s meant to be driven.”

  “Yeah, except in NASCAR, they don’t drive in the rain.”

  I responded by shifting gears and stepping on the gas. As I closed in on the light, my own mind began to falter. What the fuck was I doing? But the light turned green as I approached, so my foot hit the floor and we flew through the intersection.

  The irrational tension had knotted my shoulders and twisted my gut by the time we darted into my space in the parking garage beneath my building. I sat for a moment after shutting off the car, concentrating on my breathing, not entirely sure what was happening inside my head.

  Like Rose had predicted, I was trying to drive him away. Before it killed me to see him go. My throat constricted and I could feel the prick of tears in my eyes. Who was I kidding? It would kill me now.

  But it would be even worse later.

  Knowing I should apologize but unable to talk for fear of crying, which I suddenly seemed very good at doing, I pulled my keys from the ignition and opened my door to the stagnant scent of the garage. I reached in for my purse and looped the strap over my shoulder, glancing over at Kian who stood on the other side of the car. His stout frame leaned slightly onto the car, his arms resting on the roof, and he studied me closely.

  I swallowed hard and forced my voice to speak calmly. “I’m sorry. I know I’m being a bitch, and you don’t deserve that.” My voice cracked ever so slightly at the end, so I quickly turned towards the elevator. His footsteps echoed behind me, following me into the confining space. Kian’s tension regarding my state of mind swirled with my own freakishly unstable mood. By the time we reached my apartment, I could barely breathe.

  As we walked through the door, I tossed my keys and purse down on the couch and stood unmoving, facing away and waiting for the questions.

  “Brynn?” Kian’s voice was velvety rich behind me, rough and coarse.

  Here goes, I thought. I said nothing, but tipped my head slightly back towards him. Not looking at him, but indicating I was listening.

  “Come here,” he commanded from where he stood just inside the entryway of my front door.

  Without thinking, I did as he said. His voice had a certain intonation, firm and no bullshit. I hadn’t the faintest wish to defy him. But instead of looking up into his eyes, I focused on the logo of his t-shirt, the jagged zipper teeth on his open jacket.

  His hands slid along my jaw, just above my neck, and nudged my face up to his. My eyes closed to shield him from the raw emotion he would see in them. I waited for his words. A rebuff or a command. Something to start the a
rgument that was sure to follow.

  But instead of hearing the growl of his voice, I felt his lips crash down on mine. And I blossomed beneath him.

  My arms frantically wrapped tightly around his waist. His kiss was demanding, fervent and rough. My aching soul relished in the painful, bruising force of his mouth on mine, the tight pull of his fingers in my hair. Taking a few steps, he pushed me roughly up against the wall, and I moaned as the rush of desire poured through me.

  He knew. I needed him. I needed this. Tears sprang to my eyes and ran down my cheeks and a sweet ache grew in my chest. His plundering lips left mine with a gasp and roamed down my neck as one of his hands gripped my ass tightly, the other crushing my body against his chest. He guided me into the room, towards the couch, and we fell onto its softness.

  Franticly, my fingers tore at his clothes, shoving his jacket down his shoulders and ripping his t-shirt in my hurry to pull it over his head. I needed his touch, I needed him inside me, to explode around him and fly into the trance-like state that only he could take me to.

  “Easy, baby,” he whispered.

  I pushed at his heavy muscular frame, and he rose above me, sitting back on the couch. Scrambling to stand, I pulled off my scarf and top and quickly shimmied out of my skirt and panties, leaving my heeled boots on as I straddled him. My fingers, clumsy with need and fear and impatience, could barely unhook my bra, and Kian’s hands tangled in to flip it open and tear it away.

  “Fuck me, Kian,” I demanded as I pulled myself against his strength and heat.

  “Brynn,” he growled into my mouth, “your trying to top me. And I’m not going let you do that.”

  “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, but I need you right now.” I kissed him hard, pouring all my anxiety and longing into it. “Please, Kian, I want you to fuck me. And make it hurt.”

  Rising up on my knees a little, I reached for the fastening of his jeans, ripping the button fly open. His hands stayed mine, capturing my wrists, and I almost screamed in frustration.

  “I’m not sure what’s going on with you tonight, but this ends now,” Kian admonished. “I’ll give you what you need, but I’m in control, Brynn. Because you are most definitely not.”

  I tried to wrestle my arms away, but he held my wrists tightly, and frustrated tears began to stream down my cheeks.

  “Dammit, Kian,” I snarled. “Let me go then.”

  Using my confined wrists to manipulate my body, he pushed me back down onto the couch and leaned against me. “No. Fuck no, Brynn. You’re mine. You’re not going anywhere.” He wrestled hands up above my head, and held both of them in one of his. His other hand pulled the silk scarf from my pile of clothes on the floor, and he quickly wrapped my wrists tightly before he flipped me over so I was face down, sprawled over his lap with my feet dangling over the other side. One muscular arm held me steady as he caressed my exposed ass for a moment before bringing his palm down on it sharply.

  And that did make me scream. It almost made me come. There it was. That crazy pain that pulled me out of the abyss.

  “Fuck,” I cried with a trembling voice, “do that again.” My fingertips dug into the fabric of the couch as the stinging reverberations of shock coursed through me.

  “You’re not calling the shots, Brynn. Ten times,” he gruffly forced out, “and you count for me.” Smack!

  As much as I loved what he was doing, his dominating manner was pissing me the fuck off.

  “You said you’d never hit me like Evan did,” I screeched into the soft microfiber of the couch.

  “I’m not. This is not me hitting you out of anger. This is me knowing what you need, and right now you need to let this shit go. You need to get out whatever the fuck you’ve gotten bottled up in there today.” Another hard swat burned the skin on my buttocks. “That’s three. You count the rest.”

  “Let me go, Kian,” I shrieked as I tried to wiggle from his grasp.

  “Are you going to count?” he asked, and swatted me again.

  “Fuck you,” I spat.

  And, instead of another fiery handprint on my ass, his fingers plunged deep inside my wet center. My breath caught in my throat.

  “You fucking love this, baby,” he whispered harshly. “You’re drenched. This has you so hot that you’re going to come the second I set you on my cock.”

  The nagging, fiery sting on my ass and the fullness of his fingers pumping inside me wrenched a jagged moan from my throat.

  “Think hard for a second, Brynn,” he growled as he withdrew his fingers, spreading the moisture across my stinging ass. “Do you want me to stop?”

  “No. God no, please no,” I sobbed.

  “Then count,” he demanded.

  I nodded quickly, and he brought his hand down abruptly again. The wetness of my arousal sharpened the sting of the blow, heighted the sensitivity.

  “Four,” I cried.

  Then five and six. My voice cracked at seven. Eight and nine were delivered down towards my thighs. And ten had me shaking, trembling as he lifted my body to lay me face-down on the couch, covering me with his heavy frame and nudging my legs apart with his own. I heard the tear of the condom wrapper and then the slow, thick slide of his cock fill me from behind.

  “Good girl, Brynn,” he groaned into my ear. “That’s my girl.” The rough edge to his voice, the prickling twinge from his body pressed against my searing ass, and the full, thick feel of him buried inside me brought me to life.

  I felt his hands in my hair, combing through the tangled mass to settle against my scalp. Then, they firmly tightened and pulled hard. The sharp sting forced my head back, made my body rise up to press against his with a short scream. He bit lightly at my shoulder as he built up the pace. The tight pull at my hair, the nip of his teeth, and the slap his body against my stinging backside had me shaking to pieces, coming apart at the seams with a surge of ecstasy that blasted through my body.

  Suddenly, Kian withdrew and pulled me up with him, facing him, settling me over his hard length again as he sat on the couch. One hand cupped my face while the other guided my hips into a circular motion on his dick. His lips firmly captured mine as he jerked me against him. Harder. His fingertips painfully gripped the hot, tender skin of my ass, spurring me on to come undone again.

  “Let me see your pretty eyes, baby,” he whispered against my lips. “Open up and let me see you.”

  My first reaction was to close them tighter, and he growled at me.

  “Brynn, now.”

  I finally complied, and, in the midst of riding his cock hard and fast, his steely blue gaze centered me, brought be back to him. I shattered around him and watched him closely as he exploded inside me.

  Kian

  Her delicate body was still wrapped around me, quietly shaking with tears and release. I trailed my fingers along the smooth, soft skin of her back, worshipping her.

  “Tell me,” I quietly whispered after some time.

  Surprisingly, she answered immediately.

  “I’m scared.” Her breath rushed out, as though she was still holding that in after everything she’d just released.

  “Of what, baby?”

  She lifted her head from where it rested on my shoulder and looked me square in the eye.

  As close as I was, I could barely hear her faint response. “Of being without you.”

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I reassured her.

  A single tear slipped from her eye, and I leaned forward to kiss it away, then pulled her tightly into my arms. For a long moment, we remained like that, my fingers softly caressing her skin to soothe her ragged soul.

  “We need to do something, though,” I finally said after her breathing had normalized. “Before we do anything like that again, you need something to say, a safe word, for when it gets too much.” She shook with an intake of breath.

  “What if I say no?”

  “I will absolutely stop when you want me to. But no might just fly out of your mouth as
a reflex before you’re ready for me to stop. You need something else. Something you wouldn’t ordinarily say in the heat of the moment. And that will end it. I’ll stop, just like that. Right then and there.”

  With a small nod, she thought for a moment. “Hyper,” she finally whispered.

  “Hyper it is.” I brought her lips to mine, kissing her softly. “Are you okay?”

  A slightly, tremulous smile lit her features. “Yeah, I am. I think it’s safe to say that my ass hurts a little,” and the smile spread into her eyes, growly slightly wicked, “but I love it.”

  “Fuck, Brynn, I think you were made for me.”

  And I was rewarded with a delightful giggle as my girl snuggled up against me.

  Chapter 15 ~ Rain on the Rooftop

  Tennis Court ~ Lorde

  Off to the Races ~ Lana Del Ray

  Closer ~ Kings of Leon

  Stronger ~ Thirty Seconds to Mars

  Kian

  That evening as we were finishing up the Chinese take-out we’d gotten for dinner, Brynn wanted to sit on the roof to watch the lightning illuminate the mountains around town.

  “Are you nuts?” I asked with a laugh.

  “Well, yeah,” she chuckled back sarcastically. “I don’t think I’ve kept that much of a secret, Kian.”

  “Touché,” I replied with a smirk.

  “But seriously, the mountains are miles away. If it starts to get close, we’ll come in.” She rose from the table and tugged me to my feet. “Please, I just need some air.”

  So here we stood, occasional raindrops falling around us, not enough to even really even notice. I stood behind her, my arms wrapped around her slender frame, and watched as she looked out over the city. The pulses of lightning intermittently highlighted the soft contours of her face, revealing an almost dreamlike expression. The warm summer air swept through her hair, and her intoxicating plumeria scent filled my nostrils. I was hypnotized momentarily by her stunning sensuality.