Unspeakable Lies

by Alice Tribue

  “You did what?” Tyler shouts, his voice echoing throughout the whole house. I should be pissed at Luca for telling him before I could, but he was going to find out anyway. At least this way, I get to hear how he really feels.

  “You heard me, asshole.”

  “Why, for revenge? Is that why you would do that to me?”

  I’m waiting with bated breath to hear this answer; would Luca really have kissed me to make a point? To get back at Tyler for whatever it is he thinks that Tyler has done?

  “No, you arrogant son of a bitch. I kissed her because, unlike you, I actually give a fuck about that girl up there.”

  “Oh my God, not this shit again. Please, it was FOUR years ago. She chose me.”

  “Really? Did you give her a choice? Does she know, did she ever know, how I felt about her?”

  My breath hitches at Luca’s revelation, did he want me back then? All those years ago when we met, could he have actually liked me? I thought that we had made a connection after our initial meeting but convinced myself I was wrong after he turned into a complete asshole when Tyler and I got together.

  “It’s not my fault that you didn’t have the balls to tell her.” Tyler’s voice is full of venom; I’ve never heard him sound like that before.

  “No, it’s your fault that I never got the fucking chance!”

  “She’s my wife, Luca, whatever claim you think you had on her died the minute we got married. Stay the fuck away from her.”

  “I’ll stay away, but the minute your bullshit touches her, I’m done.” The front door slams, and I know Luca is gone. I quickly rush into the bedroom and hop into bed. Luca comes up a few minutes later; he slides into bed and lays down throwing his arm over his eyes.

  “Is there something you need to tell me?” he probes.

  After what I’ve heard, I’m not in the mood for games, not in the mood to beat around the bush or keep him in the dark the way he’s done to me.

  “I think you already know.”

  “That’s just fucking great. My wife of less than a month kisses my best friend. That’s fucking perfect.”

  “First of all, I didn’t kiss him, he kissed me, and second, what do you care, you’re never around anyway.”

  “You know what? I’m not doing this with you; I’m not having this conversation.”

  “Of course, you’re not. That would actually require you to be present; it would require you to feel something.”

  “Goodnight, Everly,” he says, shutting me out yet again, closing the door on all conversations. I want to cry, but I don’t I won’t allow myself to. It would be so easy for me to sit here and use tears as a way to get him to open up, but it’s not a manipulation when it’s real, when the sadness is real. I’m lonely in this bed and the loneliness is palpable, it’s consuming, and I don’t know how much more I can possibly take.

  I close my eyes and force myself to go to sleep, force myself to push all of the questions, all of the doubt, all of the confusion out of my head at least for one night. I tell myself that I’ll confront Tyler in the morning and force him to tell me the truth, but when I wake up, I’m alone again and Tyler is nowhere to be found.

  Tyler’s getting worse; it’s been days since our argument, since the night Luca left. He’s barely been home, I can’t get through to him, and he hardly speaks to me. I’ve tried waiting up for him at night, texting and calling him throughout the day, but he’s just shut me out, and I have no idea why he’s doing this to me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so lonely in my whole life, and the loneliness is palpable. It hurts every single time he rejects me, and it confuses me, confuses me because, with every passing day, I grow more comfortable with Tyler’s seclusion and more distracted with thoughts of Luca.

  Something is happening to me and it’s scaring the hell out of me. I never thought I’d be the type of woman who would even so much as think about looking at another man. I love my husband; I wouldn’t have married him otherwise, right? But then why are thoughts of Luca infiltrating my mind? I think back to the first time I met Luca, and it brings a smile to my face.

  It’s the weekend before school starts—my freshman year of college, and I’m at the campus bookstore trying to find the textbooks I need for my classes. The place is packed; I thought it would be a brilliant idea to wait until the last minute to get my books. I figured I’d bypass the crowds, but I was wrong—it’s a zoo. I’m standing on a line that literally wraps around the entire store.

  I mentally kick myself for not having gotten my books weeks ago. There were no baskets available when I came in and now I’m fumbling and struggling to keep my books from falling. I’m startled when out of nowhere someone reaches out and snatches some of the books out of my hands. I turn my body toward the man standing behind me in line, ready to snap at him, but my voice catches in my throat. He’s stunningly handsome and tall, at least a foot taller than me, his dark hair is the perfect contrast to his green eyes, and I’m mesmerized.

  “You looked like you could use a little help,” he says with a grin.

  “Uh yeah, thanks. There were no more baskets available when I came in.”

  Fuck, he’s sexy, and all of a sudden, I feel self-conscious but try to keep my composure around him.

  “Why don’t you put your stuff in my basket? I have plenty of room.”

  “Oh, no it’s okay.”

  “No seriously, I insist.”

  I hesitate for a moment. “You’re sure you don’t mind?”

  “Positive.”

  I place the remaining books in his basket and smile up at him, trying not to get lost in his beautiful face. God, he’s perfect.

  “Thanks,” is all I manage to mutter.

  “I’m Luca.”

  “Nice to meet you, I’m Everly.”

  “Everly. That’s a beautiful name.”

  “Thanks,” I reply softly as I tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

  I can’t describe the reaction I’m having toward this guy, I’ve never reacted like this to anybody else. There’s just something about him that draws me in.

  “Are you a freshman?” I question trying to fill the nervous silence.

  “Yeah, how ‘bout you?”

  “Yup. Just got to campus yesterday.”

  “Living in the dorms?” he asks.

  “Yeah, it would be an hour for me to commute. I didn’t want to have to do that every day; what about you?”

  “I grew up around here, next town over. My buddy and I have an apartment just off campus.”

  “Cool,” I reply, excited just to talk to this guy, to be in his presence, and we do talk. For the next twenty minutes or so, we talk about school, compare schedules, talk about what we both hope to major in, and in the end, I walk away from him feeling slightly disappointed by his lack of interest in me. I feel a little sad that he didn’t ask me out like I’d hoped he would. He didn’t ask me for my number or give me any indication that he was interested in any more than sharing a basket and a conversation.

  There were a few times after that initial meeting that I found myself wishing I would have taken a chance and asked him for his number or even given him mine, but a few weeks later, I met Tyler and let all thoughts of Luca go. I had no idea that he and Tyler were best friends, I had no idea about how small the world really is, that I could end up dating the best friend of the guy that I initially liked. But when I found out, I remember being confused for a while. I was confused as to who I really liked, but after seeing how poorly Luca treated me and how disinterested he was in having anything to do with me, I let the confusion go and focused my attention on Ty.

  Now as I stand outside of Luca’s apartment having just rung the doorbell, I wonder if maybe I didn’t just settle for the guy who gave me attention instead of pushing for the one that I really wanted.

  “Ev? What are you doing here?”

  “You haven’t been answering my texts,” I say pushing past him in order to gain entrance to his tiny one-bedroom apar
tment. He shuts the door and moves into the living room, coming to stand directly in front of me.

  “I know. I’m sorry, it’s just that after what went down, I thought we could both use the space.”

  “I get that Luca,” I say with a slow nod. “But you’re all that I have right now. Tyler’s nowhere to be found, my marriage is falling apart, and I can’t tell anyone. I can’t talk to anyone about this because they wouldn’t understand.” I hate how desperate I sound; I hate how dramatic of a turn my life had taken that now Luca is the person I confide in when it used to be Tyler.

  “When was the last time he was home?” he questions motioning toward the couch. I take a seat and pick up one of the throw pillows, hugging it close to me for comfort.

  “He comes home in the middle of the night and sneaks out before I wake up. It’s like he woke up one morning and decided all of a sudden that he didn’t want to be married.”

  “Don’t say that.” He takes a seat next to me. “Tyler loves you.”

  “Then why do I feel like I’ve already lost him?”

  “You need to talk to him, make him give you the answers you’re looking for. Only he can do that for you.”

  “You know, though, right?”

  He says nothing but the look on his face tells me that I’m right. I let out a frustrated sigh in response.

  “Is he having an affair, Luca? Is that why?”

  “No, he’s not having an affair, but I can tell you that he’s in over his head.”

  “I know it’s terrible, but I wish that he was; I wish that’s all that was wrong because then I wouldn’t feel so guilty about how I’m feeling about you,” I say it before I can even think about the words; it’s an admission I had no intention of making, but now that it’s out, I feel strangely liberated. He places his hand on my cheek, and I lean into it, letting his touch fill me with warmth.

  “I feel it, too. You know that, right? We just can’t go there, Ev, not now. If anything does happen between us, it needs to be because you’re coming to me free and clear. I can’t betray Ty like that, and I don’t think you want to, either.”

  “You’re right, just- will you at least answer my texts from now on, will you at least give me that?”

  “Yeah, Ev, I’ll give you that.”

  I push off the couch and come to stand. He follows suit putting his hand on the small of my back and walking me to the door. We stand there for a moment his eyes on mine and a feeling of sadness washes over me. I don’t want to go, the pull that he has on me is stronger than I ever could have imagined.

  “I heard what you told Tyler, about you never telling me how you felt about me.”

  He nods and gives me a shrug of the shoulders. “It’s not like it’s a secret anymore, is it?”

  “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

  “He got to you first, nothing I could do at that point.”

  “Is that why you were so mean to me?”

  He leans in and touches his forehead to mine; I fight the urge to wrap my arms around his neck. “Being a jerk was easier than admitting what I really felt, or worse, letting anyone else see how I really felt.”

  “I should go.”

  He opens the door for me, and I give him a quick peck on the cheek before walking out. I don’t look back because looking back would only make leaving that much harder.

  “So, you have no more pain in your leg?”

  “No, it’s finally starting to feel back to normal.”

  I relax into my pillow while holding the cell phone between my ear and my shoulder. These nightly phone calls with Luca have gotten me through the last few weeks; they’re the one thing that I look forward to every day, the only thing I can rely on.

  “Any word from Tyler?”

  “I haven’t spoken to him since he told me he was going away to that conference with his dad. He sends texts every day, but other than that, no.”

  I have the sneaking suspicion that the conference is an excuse. I’m not sure that there even is a conference. It would be easy enough to find out, I could call Tyler’s dad, but I’m not so sure I want to know. It’s almost easier to live in denial.

  “How do you feel about that?”

  “Numb,” I answer honestly. “I never knew how fast a relationship could deteriorate. One minute I’m getting married and I’m the happiest girl in the world, and the next minute, it’s all falling apart.”

  I hear an audible sigh from his end of the line. “I don’t want to make things worse for you, Ev.”

  “You’re not, Luca. You’re the only thing keeping me sane right now. If it wasn’t for you, I would have lost it already.”

  “Are you afraid of losing him?”

  I give his question some thought before I reply and what I say is like a revelation to me. “I think I’m afraid of not having him in my life anymore. He’s been a huge part of my world for the last four years, and I think I’d miss him—a lot. I just don’t know if that means I’m afraid of losing him as my husband. I think right now it wouldn’t hurt me as much as I thought it would.”

  “Losing him doesn’t matter, Everly. It’s you who’ll end up being found, but you have to make that choice, no one else can make it for you.”

  “I know.”

  “Goodnight, Ev.”

  “Goodnight, Luca.”

  I end the call and put the phone on my nightstand. I should try to get some sleep, but sleep has been elusive lately. There’s too much going on in my life, too much weighing on my shoulders, for me to be able to sleep soundly. I get out of bed, walk over to Tyler’s ever-growing book collection, and peruse the different titles before finally deciding on one. I pull it from the bookshelf and sit down on the bed, using the propped up pillows as a backrest. I open the book and turn to the first page, startled when a folded piece of paper falls out onto my lap. Gingerly, I pick it up and unfold the paper, I recognize the handwriting to be Tyler’s, but all the air goes out of my lungs when I see that it’s addressed to me. I close my eyes bracing myself for whatever it is I’m about to read. When I finally open my eyes, I’m ready to read whatever it is that’s in this note.

  Dear Everly,

  If you ever find this letter, I hope that it’s years after I’m gone. I hope that you’re in a time and place where whatever wounds I’ve left behind have healed. I’m scared, babe. I have a real problem, and I just don’t see a way out. I don’t know if I can fix what I screwed up, and if that’s the case, you need to know that I never intended to hurt you. I never thought I’d let things get this bad, this far, or get so caught up that I would lose sight of what was really important. I’ve done so many things, things that I never told you, things that I’m not proud of but you… You, Everly, are the only thing that’s right in all of the things I’ve done.

  There are times when I can barely stand to look at you, to see the love and hope on your face because all I feel is guilt. Guilt that I’ve made you promises that I’m afraid I may not be able to keep, fear that I may not even make it to our own wedding. To think I might not see your face one day is the hardest thing to take. If the unthinkable happens, if I don’t make it out of this, I want you to go on. I want you to get married, have babies, and see the world. Don’t give up; don’t hold back because the honest to God truth is I never really deserved you anyway. I was like a thief in the night, taking what I wanted, even though I knew it shouldn’t have been mine. I don’t regret it, though; I’d do it all over again for you. The only thing I would change about our life together is me and what my ambition did to us. I hope you never read this letter, I hope everything turns out all right, and I can destroy it. That we get the life we always wanted, but if I don’t, I want you to know that even if you can no longer hear my voice, I’ll be right beside you, and I’ll smile from wherever I am when you get the life I always wanted for you to have. I hope that one day you can forgive me. I hope you know how much having you meant to me.

  I love you,

  Tyler

  What is thi
s? I read the letter over and over again trying to make sense of it all, trying to understand exactly what it is that he feels guilty for and why he ever thought he wouldn’t make it to our wedding day. I feel so lost and stupid. Am I really that oblivious that I don’t know what’s going on with my own husband?

  “Everly?” I jump slightly and let out a surprised scream. I look up and see Tyler standing in the doorway. I didn’t know he’d be home; why would I when he barely speaks to me.

  “You’re back.”

  “Yeah, how have you been?” he questions, pushing off from the doorway and walking over to me. My heart hurts at the sight of him. The sense of loss I feel is overpowering because I know that things are bad, likely beyond repair, and what makes it worse is that, after all that’s happened, I still have no idea why. I feel like I’m stuck in eternal darkness—no matter how hard I try, I can’t claw my way out to the light, and Tyler is the one who’s stuck me here.

  I can see the exact moment when he realizes what I’m holding in my hands. His body stiffens, and his face grows pale.

  “Do you want to explain this to me?” I don’t recognize my own voice; it’s filled with so much hurt and defeat. He takes a seat on the edge of the bed, and I see it. For the first time, I can actually see the pain living behind his eyes, the exhaustion and the fear. I want to help him through whatever this demon is that’s taken him away from me, but I’m afraid that it’s just too late because while he left me alone and abandoned me, someone else snuck into my heart.

  “I have made a mess of my life, and I’ve-”

  “You’ve what?”

  “I have been gambling for a very long time, Everly. It started off small; I’d bet on a sporting event here or there, made a little bit of money, and over time, it got worse.”

  “How much worse?”

  “Bad. I’m in a lot of trouble, and I owe a lot of money to some very dangerous people. I have been trying to fix it, but it’s not working. I have been doing everything I can think of to dig out of it, but it’s hard.”