Wherever You Will Go

by Stephanie Smith

  After my vigorous cleaning spree, my body is sore and my head heavy. I fall into bed fully clothed on top of the covers, and don’t even have the energy to roll over and turn off the lamp. Tears fall as I close my eyes and beg for sleep to take me.

  When I open my eyes on Monday morning, the thought of going into Argo causes my stomach to turn. I throw my legs over the side of the bed and fall straight to the floor as my legs give out from under me. I get up and run to the bathroom.

  My whole body screams in pain, and I bring up all the junk food from my weekend binge. My hands shake as I wipe my mouth with some toilet paper. Why am I so nervous?

  My muscles pull tight when I stand up from the toilet. God, my body is so sore. As someone who never works out, I have a feeling I overdid it yesterday with all the hard-core spring cleaning. That’s all I need today.

  As I grab the towel to wet and wipe my face I think about how stupid I am being. This isn’t that big a deal; there is no need to be so anxious. “Pull it together, Willis,” I chant to myself. But it is a big deal. It’s a huge deal.

  I head back to the bedroom with a new determination. Stepping into my wardrobe, I glance around at all the new outfits I have. Deciding I want to feel comfortable, I pick out my new grey fitted skirt and white sleeveless blouse.

  Looking at all my beautiful stiletto heels, my muscles spasm, telling me those shoes are not such a good idea today. Well, if I have to wear old lady kitten heels I still want to feel confident, so I also grab my new white lace bra and matching thong. I lay it all out on my bed and head to the shower.

  I’m not sure what time I’m supposed to be at the office so I decide to enjoy the shower and let the warm water run over my body and soothe my aching muscles. Yesterday’s activities really weren’t thought out that well. I shave, scrub, and buff before hopping out into the steamy bathroom.

  After drying myself off, I go into the bedroom to try on my new outfit. Once I’m dressed, I blow-dry my hair and pull it up into a tight chignon. I pack on my foundation thick to try and hide the effects of the last three months, but keep my eye makeup light and natural by only enhancing my long eyelashes with waterproof mascara. Waterproof just in case I have another episode with Saxon.

  Once I’m ready to go, I stand in front of my full-length mirror and run my hands down my hips. Wow, I sure look the part; now let’s hope I can act it. Checking my watch, I notice It’s getting late, and I decide I should start to make my way into the office before my doubts and insecurities get the better of me and I change my mind.

  The closer I get to the office, the tighter my grip gets on the steering wheel. It’s 8:55 am when I pull into the underground parking lot of Argo. Releasing my tight hold on the steering wheel, my hands are all hot and sweaty.

  Stepping out of the car, I wipe my palms down my skirt and curse myself as it leaves wet marks on the light grey material. My legs are shaking, and my nerves are climbing to an all-time high.

  I quickly sit back in the driver’s seat and shut the door. I can’t do this. What was I thinking?

  Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes as I lay my head back on the headrest and concentrate on my breathing. Come on Brooke, deep breaths. In and out. You can do it. You are stronger than this. In and out.

  I’m slowly psyching myself up to get out of the car when there is a loud knock on my window. My eyes fly open as I scream a high-pitched girly scream. Ruth is standing there with a sad smile. My body relaxes at the familiar and comforting face.

  I throw the door open, and Ruth scrambles out of the way just before it knocks her over. Jumping out of the car I throw myself into her arms.

  I can’t believe how happy I am to see her. I didn’t realise how much I would miss her. Talking to Ruth every day on the phone when I would call for Nate had become a constant in my life, and I should have known the effect not talking to her for three months would have on me. I spoke to her more than I spoke to my own mum.

  Ruth holds me as tight as I hold her, but somehow her grip is stronger. More confident and dominating where mine feels weak, reliant, and as if I’m clutching for hope.

  She grasps my shoulders and holds me in front of her, looking me up and down. “You are looking well, Brooke. I’m so glad you’re here. I didn’t know you were coming today; Saxon didn’t say anything. It’s not like he could’ve forgotten as I ask him every day how you are.”

  I smile shyly at this wonderful woman. “I know, he mentioned you were hounding him.”

  “Hounding him? I wanted to keep in check on how things were going with you, and you know Saxon; he isn’t exactly forthcoming with information. I thought he would at least tell me you were coming today—I would’ve prepared things for you. Even though he’s had things prepared for months.”

  This catches me off guard. “Had what prepared for months?”

  “You’ll see everything in time, dear. So, is this permanent?” she asks, her eyes going wide.

  “Yes, I think it is. And don’t blame Saxon, he actually doesn’t know I’m here today.”

  Her face lights up. “Really? Oh, please let me be the one to take you to him. He’s going to be so happy to see you here.”

  I pause at Ruth’s admission, wondering why she assumes he is going to be so thrilled to see me. Guilt tightens my stomach, I should’ve come sooner. Straightening my shoulders I decide to just go in there and deal with it head on.

  Leaning into my car, I grab my purse and small carry bag that holds my lunch, reading glasses, some pens, white-out, and scissors. Do people bring their own stationery to their offices? I don’t know. I grabbed anything I could see this morning as I ran out the door. I didn’t want the picture of Nate and me in Europe last year to be the only thing I had in my bag.

  I look over to Ruth with a smile I’m sure doesn’t reach my eyes. “Lead the way,” I say as I hold my arm towards the elevator.

  We ride the elevator in silence, and I know she’s quiet for my sake. She probably knows I need the peace, can probably feel the tension radiating off my body. When the doors open I step off the elevator with purpose, but stop suddenly in my tracks when I see Ruth’s desk completely empty: no computer, no paperwork, nothing except a sign which says reception is down the hall. Automatically I look towards Nate’s office door, and notice it’s closed. Nate’s door was never closed.

  Ruth squeezes my hand. Her grip is gentle, her voice soft. “We moved me down the hall in front of Saxon’s office. We thought it was easier being closer, seeing as I’m only looking after him now.”

  I try to swallow past the lump in my throat. “Of course.” I smile at her. “It makes much more sense, and you don’t want to be sitting down here all by yourself.”

  I look around the office area and find it’s empty. It almost looks abandoned, which I guess, in a way, it is. I wonder how Nate’s office has been left. Have they packed it all up? Will that be my office now? I’m not sure if I would be happy with that or not. In a way it brings comfort and warmth, but then I think about how hard it would be to be surrounded by Nate all day. It would be like it is at home, and I’m meant to be avoiding that.

  There is only Nate and Saxon on this floor—well, I guess only Saxon now, as all the staff are on the floor below. There are only a few offices up here, as well as a large boardroom. The apartment attached to Saxon’s office takes up the majority of the floor. I guess I could have one of the spare offices, although I’m not sure if they’ve been set up or not.

  “Not that Saxon is much company. I practically sit in front of a closed door,” Ruth says.

  I laugh to myself as I think about the differences between Nate and Saxon. I guess looking after both the boys for years meant Ruth got the best of both worlds. Saxon and Nate would always balance each other out. Another reason they were so close, and a major factor which kept them from rarely disagreeing.

  Ruth lightly pulls on my hand, and my feet automatically follow. My head is moving down the hall, starting fresh and moving on, but I leave m
y heart in front of Nate’s office door, willing it to open.

  Saxon’s door is closed, as Ruth predicted. She walks straight up and knocks twice, barely waiting for his response before opening it.

  “Come in.” Saxon’s voice is low, dull and monotonous, and he doesn’t look up as we enter.

  “Look who I found wandering around in the parking lot,” Ruth says excitedly.

  Saxon looks up with a blank expression on his face. As soon as his eyes lock on mine they widen, and his mouth parts slightly to take in a breath. There’s no other word to describe it: it’s pure dumbfounded shock. The silence becomes awkward, and I begin to fidget with the straps of my bags.

  “Brooke,” he whispers. He is looking at me like he has seen a ghost. “What are you doing here?” There’s something raw in his voice, but I can’t tell if it’s indignation or bewilderment.

  Glancing over at Ruth standing by the door, she looks as confused as I am. I thought he wanted me to come here; he seemed so keen about it and almost pushy. It’s as if he’s not happy to see me, his tense body language and cold reception. I thought this was a good idea, but now I’m not so sure.

  As I begin to turn to leave, Saxon flies up and out of his chair, charging towards me like a man on a mission. He hugs me so tightly he momentarily lifts me off the floor, holding me close against him. Now I’m the one in shock. Wow, okay, so he is happy to see me?

  I stand uneasily with my arms down by my sides while his are wrapped tightly around me. It’s uncomfortable so I slowly reach up to give him the awkward pat. You know the one. The weak, soft pat on the back indicating to the other person to release their hold and step back. Except Saxon doesn’t do this. He keeps holding on tight until I clear my throat and he finally moves away, although still gripping my upper arms tightly.

  “I can’t believe you came, Brooke. I was sure after I left you on Friday I would never be seeing you here. You seemed so against it.” There is awe in his voice, and I wonder if everyone knows what a big deal this is for me or if it’s just Saxon. Him understanding the magnitude of my loss. He gets it. He gets me. The connection between us sparks again, and I automatically feel comfortable in his presence.

  “I wasn’t going to… I wasn’t even going to consider it,” I say in a quiet voice.

  “What brought you here, then?” He steps back and looks me up and down. “You look like you’re dressed to stay,” he says, and I see the corner of his mouth slightly tip up.

  “I am here to stay. I can’t keep going on about keeping Argo and putting off actually coming in and taking over.”

  “Taking over?” He frowns in confusion.

  “Yes. Once you teach me everything you know I’ll be able to take over.”

  He smirks at me. “Everything I know? I don’t think we’ll be able to accomplish that.”

  “Funny,” I say with no humour in my voice. “You know what I mean. Once you’ve shown me everything and I can run this place on my own, the sooner you can leave.”

  Saxon’s eyes go wide. “Leave? Are you firing me?”

  “No…” I pause. “But I’m sure you’re ready to move on. You’ve already put your life on hold for three months for me and now I’m here. If we work really hard I’m sure we can have you leaving in six months or so,” I say enthusiastically.

  Saxon is looking at me with narrowed eyes, as if he’s trying to figure something out, but he only nods slowly at me and steps back. He waves his hand toward to the door, gesturing for us to leave, and I turn to see the door is shut and Ruth has gone. I hadn’t noticed her leaving.

  Walking to the door, Saxon reaches around to open it for me. Stepping into the hallway, I wait to follow behind him. He leads me further down the corridor to a door on the opposite side to his and Nate’s. I look at the closed door and then back at Saxon. I’m positive this space was being used as storage.

  Saxon pulls his keys from his pocket and picks a certain one, slipping it into the lock and turning. He opens the door and waits for me to step in.

  Oh my God… the first thing I observe is how open and light the room is. There is a big, beautiful mahogany desk sitting just in front of the floor-to-ceiling window. It’s a different view from Nate and Saxon’s offices but still beautiful. The scenery is of other skyscrapers with a beautiful clear blue sky creeping in as the backdrop and down below is the city park.

  Behind the desk there is a high-backed leather chair and two dark green art deco fabric-covered chairs in front of it. On the wall to my right is a three-seater chesterfield couch, and on the left wall are floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, already full of what look like text books and pretty ornaments.

  I step further into the room and walk right up to the window. I close my eyes and feel the beautiful sun shining through, letting the light warm my face. “We haven’t touched his office.” Saxon’s abrupt comment catches me off guard and my eyes fly open. I turn to look at him with a questioning glance. “I locked the door, and the only person who goes in there is the cleaner once a week.”

  I nod, my lips pursed in thought. “When was this all done?” I gesture to the room. “I remember this being storage.”

  “I did it after the funeral. After your dad told me of your plans to keep the company. I wanted it to be prepared for you, as soon as you were ready.”

  “You did it?”

  “Yes. Well, kind of; I picked and ordered the furniture. I hope it’s okay. I left it fairly plain, so you could decorate it yourself—you know, add your own touches. You can change everything if you like, I just wanted you to have something. I wasn’t sure whether you would want Nate’s office or not. I wanted you to have another option,” he rambles, avoiding eye contact with me.

  “No, this is perfect. I love it,” I blurt out.

  Saxon stares and gives me another nod. “Okay, well how about I give you some time to get settled and you can meet me in my office when you’re ready to start.”

  “Sounds good,” I say as I pull out my picture of Nate and me.

  Standing there looking down at the picture with a smile, I don’t realise Saxon is still there until I hear him. “Looks like you are here to stay after all.”

  I look up as he gives me a warm smile, and I can see the sincerity in his eyes as I simply say, “Looks like it.”

  “Well, get settled. The sooner we start, the sooner I can get out of here.” He gives me a lopsided grin, and I get the impression he is laughing at me. He winks and turns to leave my new office, shutting the door behind him. My new office.

  After placing my photo next to my computer I throw myself into my chair, already exhausted. Who knew something so emotional could take it physically out of a person?

  Pondering Saxon’s last comment, I think he is underestimating how long this takeover is going to take. Or maybe he doesn’t care, and he’s leaving whether I’m ready or not? Even though we aren’t as close as we were in college, we have a history. If nothing else, I’m still Nate’s wife, and Nate was his best friend. No, Saxon wouldn’t do that to me.

  Would he?

  After two hours of sitting in my office chair, pacing in front of the desk, moving the couch a little to the left, moving the couch a little to the right, and dusting all the brand new dust-free bookshelves, I finally gather the courage to venture out.

  Slowly opening my office door, I pop my head out into the hallway looking left and right. I’m not sure what I’m on the lookout for, but my fast-beating heart and shaking hands tell me I’m not ready.

  I take a deep breath and straighten my spine; I know the only people on this floor are Ruth, Saxon, and now myself. There might be the odd staff member coming up to drop off some files or see Saxon, but why should that bother me?

  Pulling my shit together, I head towards the elevator. I’m going to go make a coffee in the staff room on the lower floor. There’s no need to do this as there is a fancy coffeemaker in the small staff room on this floor, but I want to say hello to a few of the staff I know.

  Wh
en I step into the elevator my legs shake and I’m wringing my fingers together. Knowing I have to walk through all the cubicles and past the office doors of most of the staff to get to the staff room has me more nervous the closer I get.

  The elevator doors open and I briefly consider going back up to hide in my office when my eyes meet Harper’s. Harper is the main receptionist at Argo and filters all the calls, emails, and people entering the office.

  My face softens and my body relaxes as I see the familiar, friendly face smiling widely at me. No sad, pitying smile as I had expected and dreaded.

  Harper jumps up out of her chair and all I see is her sleek black bob bouncing as she bounds around the front desk. I step out of the elevator and she throws her arms around me, my body folding into hers. This is exactly the reaction I needed.

  “Brooke, it’s so good to see you,” she says as she holds me tight. “What are you doing here?”

  “I’ve decided it’s time to come and learn the ropes.” I smile cheekily as I release our hug.

  Harper’s eyes go wide. “You’re taking over Argo? What? How? What about Saxon? Rumours have been flying for the past three months about what was going to happen. People are a bit unsure about their jobs, you know. We haven’t been told anything.”

  “Oh.” My face drops and the knot in my stomach tightens. “Well, I’m not completely taking it over. I’ve decided to keep it, of course, and I want to be able to run the business side of things. You know, staff, policies, and accounting. All the behind-the-scenes stuff. As for the investment side of things, I’m hoping Saxon will help me hire someone before he leaves.”

  “Saxon’s leaving?” She screeches as her jaw drops.

  “Well, eventually. I’m sure he’ll want to start his own company.”

  “I thought he would’ve bought Argo, seeing as he runs it now anyway, and spent the years building it with Nate.”

  “I never offered it…”Is that what Saxon was hoping? Should I have? Is that what Nate would’ve wanted? Oh my God, am I doing the right thing here?