“Certainly not.” Nathan set Matthew in Kate’s arms and picked up his Stetson.
They followed him outside and Ellie’s gaze immediately went to the corral. “Where’s Lawson?”
Alex put his Stetson on and tugged its brim low as he walked toward the buggy. “I don’t know. He took off on one of my new horses.”
Ellie shot a concerned look at Nathan before hurrying to keep pace with the man. “What? Why? What did you say to him?”
The man stopped to frown down at her. “That’s a private matter.”
She surveyed him in confusion. What private matter could a stranger have to discuss with Lawson? The man looked pale in the sunlight and the twitch in his jaw showed that he was upset about something. “What happened?”
“Ellie,” Nathan cautioned.
“Well, something must have.”
Alex looked at her with new interest. “Why do you care? Who is my— Who is he to you?”
“He’s...” She glanced away to search for the right word. Her what? Could she say he was her beau? She wasn’t sure. Her friend? Somehow that didn’t seem appropriate or meaningful enough. She met Alex’s gaze again. The color of his eyes seemed to change from green to gold. She suddenly realized they were hazel, just like... She caught her breath as she took in his height, his build, his age. She stepped back. “Perhaps I should ask who he is to you.”
His gaze faltered. She didn’t wait for further confirmation before bolting for her mount. It took her nearly thirty minutes to find Lawson skipping rocks at the creek. The wildflowers from weeks ago had withered away and a new batch hadn’t yet come in to replace them, so the only contrast to the greens and blues of the creek and surrounding forest was Lawson’s dark shirt. He turned at the sound of Starlight’s hooves. Their eyes met for a moment before he sent another rock skittering across the surface of the slow-moving creek. “Did he tell you?”
“I guessed.” She dismounted and pushed away the tendrils of her hair that had managed to come loose during her ride. “What are you going to do?”
He shrugged as his gaze transferred back to the creek. “I told him to leave. What else is there to do?” Panic filled his voice. “He is leaving, isn’t he?”
She stepped slightly closer to place a comforting hand on his arm. “He was the last time I checked.”
He nodded then sent another rock hopping with a bit too much force. “I’m so angry, Ellie. I told Ethan I didn’t want to meet him, and Clive completely ignored that. He just came, anyway. I should have known. He never respected anyone’s choices but his own.”
Confusion lowered her brows. “What does Ethan have to do with this?”
His gaze leapt to hers. “His real name is Ethan Lawson. He’s my cousin.”
She stared at him in awe. “You have a cousin.”
“Apparently, I have a lot more than that.”
Her hand slipped from his arm. She picked up a smooth, round rock and studied it as she turned it over in her hand. “How long have you known about this?”
“Since the barn raising.”
Well, that explained his mysterious behavior. She sent the rock skipping across the water. “What did your father want?”
“I think he wanted to build some sort of relationship with me.”
“And you didn’t want that?”
He threw the last rock into the creek then turned to face her defiantly. “Why should I?”
“Maybe you should at least consider it.” She lifted one shoulder in a slight shrug. “You know my parents died when I was eight. I hardly remember them. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I could just sit down with them at least once to find out who they were, what they wanted out of life...” Anxiety filled her but she continued, “What they think of me.”
“My parents were nothing like yours. I wish I could forget everything about them and I’ve certainly tried.” He frowned. “I remember all too vividly who that man is and what he’s like.”
“Maybe he’s changed.”
“Maybe he hasn’t.” He set his jaw stubbornly. “Either way, I don’t intend to find out. For so long, I’ve been trying to prove I’m not like him. I became a Ranger to show I’d uphold the law and not break it like he did, but even that didn’t work. They called me Lawless and said I’d make a better outlaw than a Ranger.”
She wasn’t sure what to do about that or what to say to comfort him. He made the decision for her by turning away and stuffing his hands in his pockets as he stared at the creek. “Why are you here, anyway?”
“I thought... I thought you might want me to be with you.”
“I don’t. Not anymore. Not the way it has been.” He turned to face her, his intense gaze arresting her. “I want us to go back to being friends and nothing more.”
“But an hour ago you said—”
“I said what I thought you wanted to hear. That doesn’t make it true.”
This shouldn’t surprise her. It was just what she’d suspected. Still, she had to hear it from his own lips to believe him. “It’s because our families and the whole town pressured you into it, isn’t it?”
Confusion flashed across his face an instant before realization took hold. Some of his intensity left him but determination tightened his jaw. “They did—I can’t deny it.”
“I suspected as much. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have encouraged them.” She let out a short laugh. “You must have thought me so desperate. I needed a whole town to make you consider courting me and even that—” She cut herself off with a shake of her head. “Well, that’s one thing you don’t have to worry about anymore, at least. I’m willing to stay with you as a friend, if you like. However, you probably want to be alone.”
He gave a short jerk of a nod then turned away. “You should leave.”
She stared at his strong back for a moment, wanting to protest, but she wasn’t going to force her presence on him if he didn’t want it. She mounted Starlight and turned to look at him once more before she was swallowed by the woods. His head was bowed, his shoulders low—he looked defeated. He wasn’t the only one.
She forced her gaze forward. I knew this was a possibility. I should have prepared myself.
Tears flooded her vision and fell in large drops on her skirt. “Lord, why am I always making these stupid mistakes and messing everything up? Please, don’t let my willfulness ruin our friendship. I have no idea what he is going through right now but I ask that You work things out for Lawson. He needs to know You have good plans for his life.
“As for me...” She sighed. “I think it’s time I stop trying so hard to figure out everything happening around me and just figure myself out.”
That meant gathering enough courage to get to the bottom of the guilt she’d always struggled with. She’d at least gotten off to a good start by asking Kate about her parents a while ago. Of course, she hadn’t gained anything from her inquiry—no information, no peace. Just the fearsome realization that the answers she needed must lie within her own mind. She just prayed she’d have the courage to find them.
Chapter Eleven
Lawson rested his forehead on the warm hide of Rosie, one of the milking cows, as he stole a glance across the aisle where Ellie patiently waited for her pesky piglet to mosey out of its stall for its morning jaunt. She turned toward him so he trained his gaze back on the bucket. She walked toward him, anyway. “Good morning, Lawson.”
“Good morning.”
“You missed breakfast.” She placed her hands on the stall railing and leaned back as she surveyed him. “Aren’t you hungry?”
He finally lifted his head to meet her gaze. “No, I ate something at my cabin.”
“Oh.” She stilled as though contemplating the fact that he’d never done that before. No doubt she was trying to figure out if he was avoiding her
or just people in general. The answer was both.
She’d given him a convenient excuse for ending things between them yesterday. He’d wanted to keep himself from feeling the pain that might one day accompany her leaving but he hadn’t planned on hurting her to do it. He hadn’t truly realized how much using that excuse would hurt her until she’d laughed at how desperate and unwanted she must have seemed to him. He’d been both of those things before and Ellie was neither. He hated that he’d made her feel that way, but there was nothing he could do now. The deed was done. He had to make sure it accomplished what he needed it to because in the end he was probably saving them both from heartache.
She leaned against the stall gate. “Aren’t you going to talk to me, Lawson?”
“There’s nothing to say.”
Her voice was quiet and sincere. “Please don’t push me away. I know I made a mistake by trying to change our friendship into something it wasn’t. I’m sorry for that but I don’t want to let it ruin our friendship.”
“You’re right.” He wouldn’t have to lose her completely if they could just stay friends. “I’m sorry. I’m not sure how to deal with all of this.”
“Neither am I.”
She looked so miserable that he halfway rose to take her into his arms, then sat down with a thud. Friends, he reminded himself, nothing more and nothing less. He swallowed against the sudden lump in his throat. “Give me time, Ellie. I’ll be back to my old self soon enough.”
She gave him a compassionate smile then nodded once before walking away. A moment later, he glanced up to find Nathan standing in her place. His boss crossed his arms. “Do you want to tell me what’s going on between you and Ellie?”
“There’s nothing going on.” His gaze dropped down to the pail between his boots. “We called it off.”
A moment of silence stretched between them. “That’s a shame. You’re going through a rough time, Lawson. This may not be the best time to make major decisions.”
“The decision has been made.”
“Fine, but I don’t think we need that much milk. Give Rosie a rest, will you?”
He suddenly realized the pail had quite a bit more milk than they usually used. He grimaced, then stepped away from the cow with an apologetic pat. “Sorry, girl.”
“Timothy,” Nathan called as his son stepped into the barn. “Come take the milk to your ma. I need to talk to Lawson.”
“Yes, sir.” The boy skipped over and took the pail from Lawson.
Lawson smiled dubiously. “It isn’t too heavy for you, is it?”
“No, I’m strong. See?” The boy grinned over his shoulder as he left.
“We need to talk about the Hardy contract.” Nathan held up an official-looking document. “It was signed with a stipulation.”
Lawson took the contract from him. “What kind of stipulation?”
“The full payment will be collected when the horses are delivered, which has to be within two weeks.”
Lawson nodded, realizing he hadn’t even considered the fact that Clive would need to come back for his horses.
“He also paid for one week of training with the horses and his men.” Nathan sat down behind a modest desk and looked up at Lawson. “I’d like you to do this, Lawson. It’s part of your job. Besides, one of the main reasons I hired you was so I wouldn’t have to leave my family to make deliveries like this. However, I understand that the circumstances surrounding this particular contract are unusual. If you don’t want to go, I won’t make you. I hope you will consider it, though. Not for the job, but for yourself.”
He shifted uncomfortably. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that the past has a funny way of creeping up on us.” Nathan shook his head and Lawson knew he was speaking from experience. “Trust me. Sometimes you can’t truly move on until you deal with the problems you left there.”
Lawson tried to ignore the chills that raced down his arms at that statement. “My first instinct is to say no but I’ll consider it.”
“Good.” Nathan eased the moment with a smile. “You should know that I’m giving you a few days off. Let’s see. Today is Thursday. Once you finish today, you don’t have to report in until Monday.”
Lawson frowned. “What? Why? I didn’t ask for time off. I want to work.”
“Then work hard today. I think you could use a few days with Doc and Ms. Lettie. Besides, this would be a good opportunity for you to decide about that contract and get a bit more perspective on your relationship with Ellie.”
Lawson stared at his longtime friend-turned-boss and frowned, realizing the only answer Nathan would accept was yes. He shrugged and gave in. “All right, Nathan, if that’s what you want I guess I need to make the most of my day here. I think I’ll go find something to throw.”
Nathan’s dark eyes began to twinkle. “The stalls could use some new hay.”
He rubbed his hands together. “That sounds perfect.”
He climbed up to the loft and began tossing the heavy bales into disorganized submission on the barn floor. That allowed some of the pent-up aggression to ease out of him. At least, it did until he was interrupted.
“You look like you’re spoiling for a fight.”
Lawson stilled then turned to find his cousin peering over the loft floor with a knowing smile on his face. He watched Ethan scale the last few rungs of the ladder to stand a few feet away with his Stetson in his hands. “Who let you in here?”
“Ellie.”
“Figures.” Lawson grunted, then turned to push another hay bale over the edge. “You have a lot to answer for, Ethan. I thought I told you I didn’t want to see that man.”
“That man doesn’t often take no for an answer.”
Lawson paused to glance at him. “What do you want?”
“I thought you’d like to know Uncle Clive went back to the ranch this morning. He was pretty broken up. Not that it would matter to you.” Ethan took a seat on one of the bales.
“Is that all?”
Ethan was quiet for a moment. “You should have taken a swing at him and gotten it out of your system.”
Lawson turned to stare at him. “Whose side are you on?”
He gave a careless shrug. “Uncle Clive was the only family I had until I found you. We’re cousins and in my book that means something. Besides, if you got some of that anger out of your system, maybe it would leave some room to let your family in.”
Lawson frowned at him skeptically.
“We could go a round or two if you want.” Ethan sized him up. “I think I can take you.”
Lawson narrowed his eyes. “You couldn’t, but it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to fight you.”
“We probably would have more than a few times if we’d grown up together.”
Who is this man? Lawson couldn’t figure him out. He knew nothing about his cousin except that they were related by blood and that didn’t bode well. The unnerving thing was that Ethan seemed to know more about him than he knew about himself. He cleared his throat and decided to start digging for clues about both of them. “You’re younger than me, aren’t you?”
“By a few years.” Ethan frowned. “Please tell me you know how old you are?”
Lawson shook his head. “Do you know?”
“I’m twenty and you’re twenty-three.”
“Are you sure?” At Ethan’s nod, he tilted his head. “I’m younger than I thought.”
Ethan laughed. “How old did you think you were?”
“Somewhere around twenty-five.” He hesitantly took a seat near Ethan but not close enough to be friendly. “I guess I’ve had a lot of life experience.”
“You were nine when they left you. From what I’ve gathered, that would have made you about thirteen when you came to this town. They took good care of y
ou here, didn’t they?”
He nodded. “Better than I deserved.”
“We could compare stories, if you like.”
“I’d rather not.”
Ethan grabbed his Stetson and stood. “I’m staying at the boardinghouse in town. If you change your mind about swapping stories or have any other questions, just stop by and see me. I’ve given my notice at the livery so I’ll be here for another two weeks.”
Lawson nodded. He returned Ethan’s wave before the man disappeared down the ladder. He moseyed over to the window in time to see Ethan pause to talk with Ellie, then ride off. One of these days he might take Ethan up on that offer. Until then, he had work to do.
Ellie shaded her eyes from the sun and seemed to look directly at him. Even from this distance, he could feel the concern telegraphing from her. He swallowed. Nathan was right. A little time away from the farm would be good for him.
* * *
Ellie probably should have told her family that she and Lawson had called it quits. Oh, wait. She had. It just didn’t seem to change her family’s perception of them as a couple or the seating arrangements at dinner. She realized that as soon as her fingers slid their usual path across Lawson’s warm palm to settle in his grasp for grace that evening. When Timothy’s lengthy monologue came to an end, she tried to divert her thoughts from the man beside her but failed miserably.
She passed him the sweet potatoes while gleaning a sideways glance. He caught her watching him and captured her gaze before she could look away. His hazel eyes deepened to a dark shade of olive. The corners of his mouth softened into an almost smile before an unreadable mask slipped into place and he glanced away. He’d made it clear that he’d lied about wanting to be more than friends. Odd, it hadn’t felt like a lie. It had felt natural and right.
She pushed those thoughts from her mind. She wouldn’t do this to herself. It would be foolish to pine for a man who didn’t want her—had never wanted her. She might make a lot of mistakes but never the same one twice.
A Texas-Made Match Page 12
