Redeeming Kyle: 69 Bottles #3

by Zoey Derrick

  Talon left me to go order room service for me. When he comes back he’s completely crushed. “Food’s on its way.”

  “What’s wrong?” I ask him.

  He sighs. “He’s gone.”

  “That mother fucker!” I am so unbelievably pissed off that it energizes me to get moving. After my shower, I get dressed in a pair of comfy pants, a cami and my favorite Nirvana t-shirt.

  I manage to sit down and eat some oatmeal with brown sugar and strawberries, toast and I drink two glasses of apple juice. Talon ignores his breakfast and I know I would have but I have two babies inside that need substance. Talon continues to decline. I don’t have the strength for him right now. “He called bottle cap. He has twenty-four hours,” I tell him as I grab my purse and messenger bag. Talon steps up, taking them from me. I hand them over without a second thought.

  “When I went out there, I told him to stay or go, if he stayed he had to be here and be ready for this.”

  “And he left,” I whisper.

  He nods.

  “I will give him his twenty-four hours, if he doesn’t return, I will call him once, if he does not answer, then I don’t know what I’m going to do. But he bottle capped on me, not you.”

  “I will leave him alone for twenty-four hours, out of respect for the rules, but after that, I make no promises. You deserve answers. He didn’t just walk out on you, he walked out on me and on us.”

  “It’s my fault.”

  “Stop. It is not,” he says in his demanding tone.

  “Really? Because I’m the fucking pregnant one. I’m the one who got pregnant in the first place, I’m the one that didn’t pay attention to her birth control. You don’t think he blames me for this? Talon, we’ve been together all of what, a month and a half? That’s hardly enough time to classify a lifelong commitment. I’m not surprised he left, and frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if you left too.”

  “I’m not going anywhere,” he snaps.

  “You should.”

  “No, damn it, this isn’t your fault, my fault or his fault. It fucking happened. I can’t change it, you can’t change it and he sure as hell can’t change it. It’s not ideal circumstances. I’m not going to lie, but Jesus, I have never felt something so right as when I’m with you and him. I know six or seven weeks is hardly enough time to know how you honestly feel about someone, but god,” he says exasperated. “It’s been the best time of my life. For the first time I actually feel like I belong somewhere, that everything is going right in my life. Whether you got pregnant now or four years from now, I’d still be freaked out. I’d still be worried every day that something was going to happen, and I’d sure as hell be worried about the future and what it holds for being a dad. But I wouldn’t change it, not for anything.”

  I don’t know what to say. It is probably the longest emotional speech Talon has ever given and I’ll be dammed if I know what to say to him. He doesn’t say anything else. He just stands there. He’s looking at me, but there is no expectation in his eyes. He’s just looking at me with love.

  “I know,” I finally say softly, “I just, I expected this out of you, not him. Not after all the time we spent together reading the books, looking stuff up.” Tears threaten, “We spent a lot of time together, he seemed okay after our car talk. Things shifted, now not even a week later it’s all in the fucking toilet. It’s too much for any one person to handle, Talon, let alone three of us. The three of us have had a life altering event happen and we’re all shouldering that in our own way. I know you are for yourself, I know I’m not ready for this, but I have to be. I have no choice. You and Kyle, you both have a choice. If you tell me you can’t do it either, I will be beyond devastated, but I have two babies growing inside of me who need me right now more than anything. If you want out, now is the time to tell me, Talon, because staying and changing your mind three months, four months, eight months from now will not work for me. So you need to decide what you want.”

  “Angel,” he growls.

  “Don’t. Think about it. Think long and hard before you make that choice. Either way, we will talk about it later. We’ve got to go.”

  I walk out of the suite and into the hallway where our entourage is waiting. I try in vain to take my bags from Talon, but he keeps them. We don’t talk in the car on the way to the studio, and once we’re there, he drops me off where I’m supposed to be and goes to where he’s needed.

  Three takes later and we’ve put down the ‘Your Eyes’ duet and it’s just after one. I walk toward Talon’s studio and I can see him through the glass. He’s playing but my heart is breaking watching him. He’s so torn up, it’s in his eyes. I watch him for a few minutes before he sees me, puts down his guitar and comes out to me. “You okay?”

  “No, but physically I’m fine. I’m done. Will you guys be ready for me today?”

  “No, I keep screwing up.”

  “Do you want me to stay?”

  “No, go back to the hotel, rest. I’ll be back as soon as I’m done here today. They also want to drop a drum on it, so Dex is coming in tomorrow to work on that. We likely won’t need you until Wednesday, but I will know more tonight.”

  I nod. He leans down and as he goes to kiss my cheek, I turn my head and capture his lips. Oh god, that was a mistake, if he’s leaving me… Oh fuck it, I throw everything I feel for him into the kiss and I don’t care. When he pulls back he looks a little mesmerized. “Wow,” he breathes.

  “Go get ‘em, tiger.”

  He gives me a smile and ducks back into the studio.

  “Ready?” Tori asks me.

  I nod and leave the studio. “Has anyone seen him?”

  “No, but we’ve got Beck and Casey working on trying to track him down. He’s a member of this group and our responsibility.”

  I nod. “Keep me posted, please?”

  “Absolutely, and if you don’t mind, what happened?”

  “Long story short, he’s not ready for all this. Talon gave him a choice, to stay or to go. He left.”

  “That doesn’t mean he’s gone for good.” Tori is very optimistic.

  “No, it doesn’t, but if he’s gone more than twenty-four hours, I don’t know if I can take him back.”

  “Why twenty-four hours?”

  “It’s our rule. If someone invokes the safe word, the other two are required to leave that person alone until they’re ready to talk, or twenty-four hours, whichever comes first.”

  “Great rule.”

  “Stupid fucking rule,” I grumble as we duck out of the studio and into the SUV.

  We drive back to the hotel, Rusty is behind the wheel and he stops at a deli for lunch. I get soup and a turkey sandwich which I will force myself to eat when I get upstairs.

  Once upstairs I eat my soup and the majority of my sandwich, then change and climb into bed. I’m exhausted, but yet I don’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes, all I can see is his beautiful blue green eyes and his marvelous smile. Both of which bring tears to my eyes and uncontrollable crying. At one point I switch to the other bedroom, hoping that the new scenery will make it easier to fall asleep. It doesn’t at first, but eventually I nod off.

  I vaguely remember Talon coming back to the suite. I barely remember eating the mac n cheese he brought for me, I just remember being awake long enough to eat and go back to sleep.

  Tuesday arrives and Talon is sleeping in the chair in the guest bedroom. He looks miserable, but the fact that he’s here warms my frozen heart just a little bit. I look at the clock and it’s eight in the morning. His twenty-four hours are up. But I won’t be calling him, not this early in the day. No point in wasting my phone call when I’m pretty confident he’s passed out. I roll over and like clockwork, my stomach rolls and I dart into the bathroom.

  Talon comes to my aid, holding my hair and rubbing my back, reminding me of Kyle and my heaves quickly turn into gut twisting sobs. “I can’t do this,” I breathe out between heaves. When I finish, I flush the toilet. “I have to p
ee,” I say and he dutifully stands up and leaves the bathroom, closing the door.

  After I flush again he comes back in. “Talon, I can’t do this…I can’t be strong anymore. I can’t…”

  “Angel, look at me.” I look at him with tear streaked cheeks and eyes. “You don’t have to be strong. You don’t have to hide everything you’re feeling, you should have never been doing that in the first place. We all agreed to talk and be open and honest with one another. You’ve been a champion of that from the beginning and now… now you’re hiding and holding out on me, on Kyle…”

  “Kyle’s not here. It’s been twenty-four hours. He’s not back, he’s not coming back. This is all my fault. I’ve lost one of the two men I love more than anything in this world because I fucked up, this, all of this, is my fault. I was so naive to believe that I was still protected, I should have been checking for my birth control, but I was so wrapped up in you and in him and I relied on what I’ve been told for years, that I can’t get pregnant now here I am, six weeks pregnant with twins. Twins who I can’t even tell you who the father is. I can’t… I can’t do this,” I sob harder.

  “Angel, I need you to look at me. I need to look into your eyes when I tell you this.” My eyes meet his. I don’t get lost in his eyes like I do with Kyle’s, but there is still a depth to his eyes that allows me to see into his soul. “Addison Lynae Beltrand, this is not your fault. It takes two to make a baby, Addison. It still only takes two to make two babies. Do not blame yourself for this. This is absolutely not your fault. The three of us made a choice. Once we broke that barrier and went skin to skin, neither Kyle nor I looked back or thought twice about what we were doing. We didn’t think about what could happen and I don’t think we thought about it because we honestly didn’t care. God, I was so in love with you. I fell in love with you the moment I laid eyes on you. I knew then that I would spend the rest of my life with you. I loved you so much that I couldn’t make you choose between him and me. Then I fell in love with him, I fell in love with us and I fell so hard.

  “I can honestly tell you that no, I am not ready to be a father, I am not ready to settle down, but that is not going to stop me from trying, from fighting, from making myself ready for it. I’m the wild one, I’m your wild one, you called me that before and it’s true, but just because I’m wild, doesn’t mean that I love you any less, doesn’t mean that I don’t love these babies growing inside of you, and damn it, it doesn’t mean I won’t grow and change over the course of the next nine months.

  “Right now, you are so unbelievably important to me, but so is this tour, so is the band and right now I can’t grow and be ready for this.” He brings his hand to my pouch, “until I can give you all of my attention. I want this, Addison. I want you, I want to be a dad, I want to settle down with you and damn it, despite being hurt and scared that he won’t return, I want Kyle, I need you and I need him. So I need your patience with me.”

  “Talon, I am not trying to tie you to my hip. I’m not trying to make you give up your career, and I am most certainly not asking you to give up your social life. The only reason I’m not out there with you after shows is because I don’t have the energy. I barely have enough to sit here right now, but I want you working with the band, I want you to hang with the band, and I want you to live your life. Even after the babies are born. I would never, ever consider holding you back from your career and the band. I am far from housewife material, but you’re not the first rock star to have a baby, you’re certainly not going to be the last. You and even Kyle have this vision that I’m trapping you into full time daddy while I run off to work, and I’m not. I need you to lean on right now because I am emotionally a mess, I feel like shit and damn it, I just need to feel loved because I’m scared about my life post baby, I’m scared about telling my boss that I’m pregnant, I’m scared about the next time I throw up. I’m terrified that one time I’m going to wipe after peeing and it’s going to be covered in blood. But I am just trying to get through one day at a time. One hour, one minute, one second. That’s all I can do, that’s all you can do, and damn it, that’s all Kyle can do too. But if it’s too much and you don’t think you will be ready in nine months or less to welcome your babies into the world, I need to know. I need to know so that I can prepare myself for that. So that I can prepare for doing it on my own. That’s all I need. That’s all I needed from him. I understand if you and him don’t feel ready right now, I don’t feel ready, but it’s coming and I will spend the next nine months making babies in my body. By the time they’re born, I will be ready, just like I have confidence that you and Kyle would be ready.

  “If it would be easier for you, and for Kyle, if he comes back to do his job, not having me around might be the best way to do this right now.”

  “No, it’s not. I’m a mess when you’re not around. I’m a mess, you saw it yesterday, I couldn’t get the track down because I couldn’t stop thinking about you, and him and how much I love both of you. It destroyed me. Without doing anything, you ground me. You make me feel love I never knew I was capable of. If you leave, I will lose that. I will lose it all and I can’t do that. I can’t do this without you, so please dear god, do not leave. I will be ready, I know I will. I know I will because the idea of losing you, and losing them kills me. That’s how I know that I will be ready to meet them when they’re ready to meet me.”

  I don’t say anything, I don’t know what to say to him right now.

  “Please, Addison, please tell me you won’t leave.”

  I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. “I can’t promise not to leave the tour. But I can promise that I won’t leave you. If he comes back to work, and nothing else, that is stress that I won’t be able to handle. It will be unhealthy for me and for the babies, because I can’t look at him and not love him. I can’t look at him and not have him in my arms or by my side. It will kill me.”

  He runs his hand through my hair. “I understand because I don’t know if I can do it either. I feel so lost and broken since he walked out that door. I feel like my life has gone more upside down than it did the moment we thought you might be pregnant, then finding out you were, then to top that off, it’s twins. Kyle walking out that door has ripped out half of my heart. Someone that I’ve finally given my love to takes it and runs away, like it’s trash, like it means nothing to him. Addison, I have to have him back. I can’t do this,” his hand rubs along my belly, “without him.”

  I stand up, my legs shaky from sitting so long and I grab his hand. “I can’t either,” I say through tears. I reach out for his hand and he wraps his arms around my thighs, pressing his head against my pouch.

  Eventually we move onto the bed and I snuggle into his chest. Holding him while he holds me, I fall asleep.

  Talon wakes me only briefly to tell me he’s leaving for the studio. I fall back to sleep. Sleep is my safe haven right now. Nothing hurts me there…

  Tuesday, after Talon left for the studio, I woke up long enough to eat and go back to sleep, only to wake up again, to eat and go back to sleep or to pee and drink. Sometimes I wonder if I was actually sleeping or just lying there with my eyes closed.

  I kept my phone close, just in case Kyle decided to call, but I never hear from him. Talon comes home, exhausted, but the music is down and I will go in with him tomorrow to lay down the vocals. Doing that gives me something to look forward to because right now, I have very little, or at least feel like I do.

  When Wednesday morning rolls around, I wake up and I actually feel rested and even a little bit better, that is until morning sickness kicks in and I spend five minutes over the toilet, alone. I try my hardest to not let it get to me and fail. Talon is off doing something; he wasn’t in the guest room with me when I woke up. I jump into the shower and am getting dressed when Talon comes in. “Hi angel,” he says. “How are you feeling?”

  “I feel rested, for once, physically I feel good. Emotionally I’m still a mess. What about you, big man?”

/>   He gives me a half smile. “I miss him. I miss you. I miss being with you and him.”

  “Have you heard…” He doesn’t let me finish before he shakes his head. I nod and go back to putting on some light waterproof make-up.

  “I brought my phone, it’s Wednesday.” I see him in the mirror and he has a slight smile on his lips.

  “I can’t, it hurts too much.” His face falls.

  “I know, I…”

  “Hey, I’m not saying we won’t do it, just, not right now.”

  His eyes are heavy with emotion. “Can I see and say hi?”

  My eyes fill with tears and I nod. He reaches out for my hand and I put my stuff down and take his. He pulls me into the bedroom and over to the chair he was sleeping in the other day. “Sit, angel,” he says and I move to stand in front of it. I lift my shirt and lower my pants, though they’re dipping rather than sitting flat.

  Talon slides to his knees and he looks up at me asking for permission. I nod and he places his hands onto my belly, I shiver under his touch. My heart races for the first time in what feels like an eternity as he brings his lips to my pouch, which is rounded further today than it was last week. “You’re growing so big,” Talon whispers and moves his lips to the other side and kisses there too. One for each baby. “I hope you’re being nice to mommy. She’s under a lot of stress right now, she misses one of your dads like crazy, so do I, but soon, we’ll get him back soon.” He kisses again and then kisses the other side again. “Be good in there, panda cubs.”

  I press his hands to my pouch and I sit down in the chair, tears weakening me. I take his head into my hands, staring into is eyes. “I love you, Talon Carver.” I lean forward and press my lips to his, kissing him through our tears. He too is crying.

  “I love you so fucking much, Addison.” He brings his head to rest gently on my tummy and I stroke his hair.