Memoirs of Emma Courtney
Page 21
'This poor young creature continued to bewail the disgrace she anticipated--her lamentations pierced my soul! I recalled to my remembrance your emphatic caution. I foresaw that, with the loss of her character, this simple girl's misfortune and degradation would be irretrievable; and I could, now, plainly distinguish the morality of _rule_ from that of _principle_. Pursuing this train of reasoning, I entangled myself, for my views were not yet sufficiently clear and comprehensible! Bewildered, amidst contending principles--distracted by a variety of emotions--in seeking a remedy for one vice, I plunged (as is but too common), into others of a more scarlet dye. With shame and horror, I confess, I repeatedly tried, by medical drugs, to procure an abortive birth: the strength and vigour of Rachel's constitution defeated this diabolical purpose. Foiled in these attempts, I became hardened, desperate, and barbarous!
'Six weeks before the allotted period, the infant saw the light--for a moment--to close its eyes on it for ever! I, only, was with the unhappy mother. I had formed no deliberate purpose--I had not yet arrived at the acme of guilt--but, perceiving, from the babe's premature birth, and the consequences of the pernicious potions which had been administered to the mother, that the vital flame played but feebly--that life was but as a quivering, uncertain, spark--a sudden and terrible thought darted through my mind. I know not whether my emotion betrayed me to the ear of Rachel--but, suddenly throwing back the curtain of the bed, she beheld me grasp--with savage ferocity--_with murderous hands_!--Springing from the bed, and throwing herself upon me--her piercing shrieks--
'_I can no more_--of the rest you seem, from whatever means, but too well informed!
I need not say--protect, if she survive, the miserable mother!--To you, whose heavenly goodness I have so ill requited, it would be injurious as unnecessary! I read, too late, the heart I have insulted!
'I have settled the disposal of my effects--I have commanded my feelings to give you this last, sad, proof of my confidence.--_Kneeling_, I entreat your forgiveness for the sufferings I have caused you! I found your heart wounded--and into those festering wounds I infused a deadly venom--curse not my memory--_We meet no more_.
'Farewel! first, and last, and only, beloved of women!--a long--a long farewel! 'MONTAGUE.'
These are the consequences of confused systems of morals--and thus itis, that minds of the highest hope, and fairest prospect, are blasted!
CHAPTER XXVII
The unhappy Rachel recovered her health by slow degrees. I haddetermined, when my affairs were settled, to leave a spot, that had beenthe scene of so many tragical events. I proposed to the poor girl totake her again into my family, to which she acceded with rapture. Shehas never since quitted me, and her faithful services, and humble,grateful attachment, have repaid my protection an hundred fold.
Mr Montague left ten thousand pounds, the half of which was settled onhis daughter, the remainder left to my disposal. This determined me toadopt you wholly for my son. I wrote to your uncle to that purport,taking upon myself the entire charge of your education, and entreating,that you might never know, unless informed by myself, to whom youowed your birth. That you should continue to think me _your mother_,flattered my tenderness, nor was my Emma, herself, more dear to me.
I retired in a few months to my present residence, sharing my heart andmy attentions between my children, who grew up under my fostering care,lovely and beloved.
'While every day, soft as it roll'd along, Shew'd some new charm.'
I observed your affection for each other with a flattering presage.With the features of your father, you inherited his intrepidity, andmanly virtues--even, at times, I thought I perceived the seeds of hisinflexible spirit; but the caresses of my Emma, more fortunate than hermother--yet, with all her mother's sensibility--could, in an instant,soften you to tenderness, and melt you into infantine sweetness.
I endeavoured to form your young minds to every active virtue, to everygenerous sentiment.--You received, from the same masters, the samelessons, till you attained your twelfth year; and my Emma emulated, andsometimes outstripped your progress. I observed, with a mixture of hopeand solicitude, her lively capacity--her enthusiastic affections; whileI laboured to moderate and regulate them.
It now became necessary that your educations should take a somewhatdifferent direction; I wished to fit you for a commercial line of life;but the ardor you discovered for science and literature occasioned mesome perplexity, as I feared it might unfit you for application totrade, in the pursuit of which so many talents are swallowed up, andpowers wasted. Yet, as to the professions my objections were still moreserious.--The study of law, is the study of chicanery.--The church, theschool of hypocrisy and usurpation! You could only enter the universitiesby a moral degradation, that must check the freedom, and contaminate thepurity, of the mind, and, entangling it in an inexplicable maze of errorand contradiction, _poison virtue at its source_, and lay the foundationfor a duplicity of character and a perversion of reason, destructiveof every manly principle of integrity. For the science of physic youexpressed a disinclination. A neighbouring gentleman, a surveyor, a manhigh in his profession, and of liberal manners, to whose friendshipI was indebted, offered to take you. You were delighted with thisproposal, (to which I had no particular objection) as you had a tastefor drawing and architecture.
Our separation, though you were to reside in the same town, cost us manytears--I loved you with more than a mother's fondness--and my Emma clunground the neck of her beloved brother, her Augustus, her playfellow, andsobbed on his bosom. It was with difficulty that you could disentangleyourself from our embraces. Every moment of leisure you flew to us--myEmma learned from you to draw plans, and to study the laws of proportion.Every little exuberance in your disposition, which, generated by a noblepride, sometimes wore the features of asperity, was soothed into peaceby her gentleness and affection: while she delighted to emulate yourfortitude, and to rise superior to the feebleness fostered in her sex,under the specious name of delicacy. Your mutual attachment encreasedwith your years, I renewed my existence in my children, and anticipatedtheir more perfect union.
Ah! my son, need I proceed? Must I continually blot the page with thetale of sorrow? Can I tear open again, can I cause to bleed afresh, inyour heart and my own, wounds scarcely closed? In her fourteenth year,in the spring of life, your Emma and mine, lovely and fragile blossom,was blighted by a killing frost--After a few days illness, she drooped,faded, languished, and died!
It was now that I felt--'That no agonies were like the agonies of amother.' My broken spirits, from these repeated sorrows, sunk intohabitual, hopeless, dejection. Prospects, that I had meditated withineffable delight, were for ever veiled in darkness. Every earthly tiewas broken, except that which bound you to my desolated heart with astill stronger cord of affection. You wept, in my arms, the loss of herwhom you, yet, fondly believed your sister.--I cherished the illusionlest, by dissolving it, I should weaken your confidence in my maternallove, weaken that tenderness which was now my only consolation.
TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY.
My Augustus, _my more than son_, around whom my spirit, longing for dissolution, still continues to flutter! I have unfolded the errors of my past life--I have traced them to their source--I have laid bare my mind before you, that the experiments which have been made upon it may be beneficial to yours! It has been a painful, and a humiliating recital--the retrospection has been marked with anguish. As the enthusiasm--as the passions of my youth--have passed in review before me, long forgotten emotions have been revived in my lacerated heart--it has been again torn with _the pangs of contemned love_--the disappointment of rational plans of usefulness--the dissolution of the darling ho
pes of maternal pride and fondness. The frost of a premature age sheds its snows upon my temples, the ravages of a sickly mind shake my tottering frame. The morning dawns, the evening closes upon me, the seasons revolve, without hope; the sun shines, the spring returns, but, to me, it is mockery.
And is this all of human life--this, that passes like a tale that is told? Alas! it is a tragical tale! Friendship was the star, whose cheering influence I courted to beam upon my benighted course. The social affections were necessary to my existence, but they have been only inlets to sorrow--_yet, still, I bind them to my heart_!
Hitherto there seems to have been something strangely wrong in the constitutions of society--a lurking poison that spreads its contagion far and wide--a canker at the root of private virtue and private happiness--a principle of deception, that sanctifies error--a Circean cup that lulls into a fatal intoxication. But men begin to think and reason; reformation dawns, though the advance is tardy. Moral martyrdom may possibly be the fate of those who press forward, yet, their generous efforts will not be lost.--Posterity will plant the olive and the laurel, and consecrate their mingled branches to the memory of such, who, daring to trace, to their springs, errors the most hoary, and prejudices the most venerated, emancipate the human mind from the trammels of superstition, and teach it, _that its true dignity and virtue, consist in being free_.
Ere I sink into the grave, let me behold the _son of my affections_, the living image of him, whose destiny involved mine, who gave an early, but a mortal blow, to all my worldly expectations--let me behold my Augustus, escaped from the tyranny of the passions, restored to reason, to the vigor of his mind, to self controul, to the dignity of active, intrepid virtue!
The dawn of my life glowed with the promise of a fair and bright day; before its noon, thick clouds gathered; its mid-day was gloomy and tempestuous.--It remains with thee, my friend, to gild with a mild radiance the closing evening; before the scene shuts, and veils the prospect in impenetrable darkness.
TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE
Punctuation, hyphenation and period spellings have been retained evenwhere not consistent. The latter includes the name Anne, which alsooccurs without the final e.
The changes listed below have been made to the text (corrected versionfollows original):
but in this investigatation we must be patient but in this investigation we must be patient
Arisides the just, Aristides the just
knowledge and learning, are unsufferably masculine in a women knowledge and learning, are unsufferably masculine in a woman
Why do we suffer ourselve to be confined Why do we suffer ourselves to be confined
gratified by his covnersation gratified by his conversation
at his repeated requst at his repeated request
the degrading and melancholy intelligence, with fills my soul the degrading and melancholy intelligence, which fills my soul
the acitivity of a curious and vigorous mind the activity of a curious and vigorous mind
a temporary reflief a temporary relief
Would she, inded, accept of my society, Would she, indeed, accept of my society,
qutting it early in the morning quitting it early in the morning
any suddent agitation of spirits any sudden agitation of spirits
the distinction yo have shewn me the distinction you have shewn me
so sincere, so artless, as mind so sincere, so artless, as mine
such an attempt would be impertiment; such an attempt would be impertinent;
their heads were never led astray by thir hearts. their heads were never led astray by their hearts.
though peace and enjoymment should be for ever fled though peace and enjoyment should be for ever fled
attended wtih advantages attended with advantages
Persevervance, with little ability, has effected wonders; Perseverance, with little ability, has effected wonders;
wtih the various branches of science with the various branches of science
you have been very will you have been very ill
the fruits of our dear-bought exerience the fruits of our dear-bought experience
I would willing have seen you I would willingly have seen you