The Book of Unnecessary Quotation Marks

by Bethany Keeley

  “U” like it. Kind of like another version of you, but with worse taste.

  Lots of items on this menu seem just a little bit … off.

  Traveling across the country—or even close to home—offers a great opportunity to open your eyes to new sights, sounds, and surprising uses of quotation marks. Along the way, you’ll get to experience the quirky slogans and creative puns of the open road.

  Billboards and businesses along the highway have long honed the art of using the quotation mark to make unsettling and confusing statements.

  Vasectomy: exactly as hard as you think.

  Wait, turn “right” here? As in “right,” or as in “right here, to the left”? Well, whatever. These steaks are only okay.

  This restaurant offers cooking just like someone’s drug-addled mom used to make.

  SPREAD THE WORD, PEANUTS CARRY PATHOGENS!

  Their definition of “all” and “major” may be different from yours.

  “Microwave” is hotel lingo for “nonfunctioning TV.”

  Hot dogs available during certain hot dog hours.

  Just “love” them all over the place.

  Makes you wonder where Wings Things “A” through “M” are located.

  “What” is a word you might say upon seeing how this sign is punctuated.

  WHEN TRAVELING ON SCENIC COUNTRY ROADS, PASS THE TIME BY OBSERVING THE QUAINT, LOCAL USES OF THE QUOTATION MARK.

  “Carts” here is a euphemism for something more exciting—probably dirt bikes.

  “Open to the public” does not necessarily mean that YOU are good enough to come here. I mean, obviously.

  They came out of a chicken’s rear end, so that makes them eggs, right?

  As you’re driving along, pay attention to the vehicles and smaller signs around you—they are hidden treasure troves of quotation mark abuse!

  Please get this paint all over yourself. They’re talking to you, ladies!

  Now you don’t have to come inside to steal gas.

  If you pull on it, you might find out it’s not made of concrete.

  Okay, not if you walked.

  What are those guys really doing to the lemons? Fondling? Pinching?

  Those smiles sure do look “helpful.”

  When it comes to price negotiations, she doesn’t seem so ladylike.

  Look out for Freudian slips near this sign.

  Capt. “Ron’s” real name is probably a girl’s name.

  You’re never getting to the food and ale.

  NEVER! BWAHAHAHA!

  So just leave things on the floor, in other words.

  THE PARKING GARAGE, BASTION OF UNNECESSARY QUOTATION MARKS:

  You’re never going to “exit,” since the “elevator” is an empty shaft that will plunge you to your death.

  This sign is daring you to ram through the gate.

  Hear that? That’s the sign calling you a wimp.

  This sign commemorates a great conversation some people had here once.

  YOU REALLY “CAN’T” PARK IN ANY OF THESE PLACES:

  JUST KIDDING! PLEASE PARK HERE, I INSIST.

  “The facilities” are frequently full of passive-aggressive commentary and statements of the obvious. Inevitably, some “rest” rooms use the opportunity to create subtle innuendo through the use of punctuation.

  Ok, a few.

  The automatic “flush” leaves something to be desired.

  You can just hold it and we are not really sorry.

  This bathroom offers a little dialogue for you to perform with your fellow bathroom visitors.

  Naturally, you shouldn’t turn it so far that it actually comes off.

  The water that is labeled “hot” is labeled “hot” because it is “hot.” Did you know?

  I mean, once it’s full of diapers and towels, can you really call it a “trash can” anymore?

  Please pantomime flushing the toilet.

  Oh, did we say toilets? We meant “receipts.”

  IN THIS PARTICULAR BATHROOM, ALL VERBS “ARE” IN QUOTATION MARKS:

  Tinkling and taking a leak, on the other hand, are totally acceptable.

  You can just imagine you’ve used them, if you like.

  Being a good “friend,” “neighbor,” “sibling,” “child,” “tenant,” and “acquaintance” is hard. Harder still is interpreting what the people in your life are trying to tell you at any given moment through the guise of politeness.

  HERE’S A USEFUL LESSON IN SAYING SOMETHING, BUT NOT MEANING IT.

  … AS YOU CAN SEE, ALL OF THESE PEOPLE ARE “REALLY” “SINCERE.”

  We’re all “friends” here. It’s not creepy at all.

  You know, we don’t “need” roommates really, we just want one—we can quit anytime.

  They are pretending that you already knew that. This way they seem less like jerks for telling you to leave your burger outside.

  They have used mowers and more used mowers.

  Activities that may qualify as “putting away” dishes: breaking, hiding, and putting more food on them.

  This sign is giving you license to do a poor job of cleaning the things that you use.

  In this neighborhood, the polite term for hobos is “raccoons.”

  Yep—sure sounds like something Plastic would say.

  This “buzzer” makes a variety of nonbuzz sounds. Like awoooogas and fart noises and “La Cucaracha.”

  The Commissariat is known for his mind-blowing raves … er … “Garden Parties.”

  Because of the artful use of quotation marks, this sign can be tailored to apply to lots of things lost on 7-27-09, not just keys. For instance, “keys” could just be slang for puppies. Or identities.

  “To All Residents” is such a classic poem. That’s why they put it on the wall.

  Just tip us, you jerks.

  “It’s paradise.”

  Sometimes a special occasion demands special punctuation. And the good ol’ quotation mark is here to make all your seasonal greetings delightfully ambiguous.

  Well, in a manner of speaking, they belong to the whole country.

  Now being held on the 23rd of November.

  If you call hockey players champions.

  Every day is a fake holiday when you pay money for it.

  Those “special” “Valentine’s” drinks “don’t” have roofies in them.

  It’s fine, just tell your senile mother today is Mother’s Day—she won’t know you forgot.

  Nothing says “Happy Father Day” like doubt about paternity!

  “Remember” that time you thought a photo on a cake was appetizing?

  We don’t really want to be polite about this.

  Sometimes people hedge their bets on religions by putting the important figures in quotation marks.

  There are some instances of unnecessary quotation marks that defy categorization. Embrace the mystery.

  No role-playing allowed behind the counter in this establishment.

  Certain schools have strict “no drugs in the gym” policies.

  A pretend salon.

  You wimps. It’s actually just somewhat slippery.

  Yeah, I always smell things when somebody says “This is fragrant. SMELL IT!!!”

  Does size matter for wolves?

  A flooded basement isn’t technically a pool.

  Possible ways to “inform” a driver of your stop: think it at her, make a small gesture, or write a note in Braille and leave it on your seat.

  The lobsters have actually been prerecorded.

  Sure … it’s the hose connection. For the fire department.

  Or is it? Just kidding. Or am I?

  Either Mexican “laws” are very flexible or “Law” is the nickname of a vigilante who enforces drug trafficking south of the border.

  Nothing says “we take our workers’ safety seriously” like dismemberment puns!

  Cheat at score keeping, win a gift card.

  Or whatever this is—it sure smudges like glass.
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  Finally get even with that guy you think is your dad.

  Check to make sure the water is as low as possible before pushing someone off the diving board.

  Some food or drinks allowed.

  Really, it’s “THE” bldg.

  There’s nothing quite as “hot” as stained glass elephants.

  We are just going to not ask and not tell who is doing drugs.

  These souvenirs have “something” to do with the state fair.

  A good place to “show off” horrible wood paneling and ugly brown wall-to-wall.

  It kind of depends on the question, right?

  If you call that winning.

  Hey, is that a fat joke?

  Acne AND spots? Sure sounds like a “treat.”

  The opportunity to work on this book is just one example of the ways one punctuation mark has made my life strange but also fun. I would like to express my appreciation for some of the people who made it possible for this book to be produced.

  I am blessed with so many family members and “families” who keep me sane (usually) and deserve my thanks for any successes I have. My parents, Robert and Laura, whose excellent sense of humor I inherited, have been helpful and supportive on all of my projects. My siblings, Meredith, Bryan, and Lynnae, are also pretty funny and awesome. I’m glad to be marrying Justin Jonker, who helps me come up with jokes, keeps me from stressing out, and loves me even when I’m annoying. Speaking of people who put up with me when I’m annoying, thanks to my roommate Jamie Landau, my officemates in Terrell Hall 226, and the rest of my academic community at UGA. Y’all rock. Thanks also to my church family in Athens, Georgia, and to my new in-laws, the Jonkers.

  I owe a serious debt of gratitude to my literary agent, Kate McKean; my editor, Emilie Sandoz; Jacob Gardner; Erin Thacker; Becca Cohen; and the other fine professionals at Chronicle Books. All of these people are very good at their jobs and make mine easier.

  Finally, huge thanks to the thousands of Internet strangers who read the “Blog” and send me their pictures. Without all of you, this book would literally not exist. This is especially true of the hundreds of people whose high-quality, high-hilarity finds appear in this book. Their names, and a few whose images got cut, are found here. Working on this book and maintaining the “blog” has taught me that strangers can be generous, funny, and encouraging. Even on the scary Internet. Thanks for that.

  Douglas Aldridge

  Alastair Alexander

  Peter Allendorfer

  Gene Anderson

  Michelle Atkins

  Adrian Bailey

  Lelah Baker-Rabe

  Kate Baldwin

  Kristin Bamberger

  Cassie Barnum

  Turi Becker

  Benjamin L. Begley

  Bethany Benzur

  Brian R. Bernardini

  Sean Biehle

  Jill Blaeser

  Angela D. Blair

  Kate Borders

  Bob Bowden

  Kristen Brown

  Matthew Budman

  Sarah Bunker

  Alexander Burun

  Darren Bush

  Steven Camilli

  Brenda Campbell

  Jen Carmichael

  Alex Carmichael

  Blake Carver

  Joey Cavella

  Jason A. Cerrato

  Sarah Chverchko

  Kathryn Clagett

  Andy Clinton

  David E. Cochran

  Bill Cokas

  Hannah Coleman

  Diane Cousineau

  Krista and Karen Cukrowski

  Meghann M. Cuniff

  Pedro Curi

  Carlos d’Abrera

  Ron Davis

  Danny Davis

  Susan Debacker

  Jeff Demetriou

  Erin Demund

  Gregor Dodson

  Claire Donnelly

  Ryan “M” Donovan

  Weston Dulaney

  Meg Eckman

  Maureen Egan and Matthew Barry

  Robin Eiseman

  John Eklund

  Emily

  Kristin Engel

  Maggie Enright

  Jamye Evelyn

  Jennifer Faer

  Wylie Fisher

  Benjamin Flight

  Ela Majikfaerie Forest

  Katharine Foster

  Janella Fox

  William Fraser

  Cheryl Freer

  Bill Fuhry

  David Galloway

  Valerie Gartland

  Erik Gensler

  Susie Ghahremani

  Michael Gorman

  Margo Greenlaw

  Christa Grieco

  Natalie Guest

  Paul Hallows

  Jennifer A. Hanscomb

  Caroline Harris

  Ethan Hazzard-Watkins

  BJ Heinley

  Benjamin Hill

  Jon Hoffman

  Eric Homan

  Marcy K. Hosket

  Camille Janer

  Neal Jennings

  Kiersten Jeske

  Anne DeMarsh Johnson

  Richard Johnston

  Emily Jones

  Rusty Kahl

  Blake Kanewischer

  Jennifer Karmel

  Meredith Keeley

  Jonathan Khoo

  Penelope Klein

  Sarah Baird Knight

  Terry Lee Knight

  Simone Kovago

  Eric Kramer

  Sara Kruger

  April Krukowski

  Jonathan Kunberger

  Jennifer Lambert

  Mandy Langston

  Joshua W. Levy

  Danielle Lindemann

  Lisa

  Joey Litman

  Jennifer Madsen

  Ryan Mallady

  Joanna Mang

  Mindy Maris

  Barry D. Marsh

  Tim Masterton

  Drew Maust

  Eileen McAuslan

  Margaret McDonald

  Stacey McLachlan

  Katy Miller

  Alison J. Mills

  Caron Mitchell

  Karen Moore

  Heather Mroczkowski

  Ariana Myers

  Karin Myhre

  Amanda Nelis

  Michelle Neuman

  Jeff Newton

  Matthew M. Nordan

  Danielle Nuchereno

  Nick O.

  James Page

  David Paris

  Kay Partain

  Tom Partington

  Katie Pegoraro

  Angela Perkins

  Bettina Pickett

  Bryan Pohl

  Lorie Popp

  Nicole Reader

  Bill Rehm

  Sarah Reid

  Meredith L. Reynolds

  Laura Rheinheimer

  Jeff Richards

  Carson Rittel

  Hayley Heller Ritz (Jenny’s Mom)

  Guillaume Roberts

  Leah Rodgers

  Jason Rose

  David G. Rupert

  Alex Schiller

  Angela Schneider

  scrabblehound

  Jennifer Shepherd

  Deanne Schulz

  Bianca Siegl

  David Silverstein

  Aksel Inge Sinding

  Ofer Sivan

  Zach and Brittany Smith

  Liz Smith

  Kimmy Snyder

  Logan Sobonya

  Cina Sorensen

  Karie Spaetzel

  Pat Spellman

  Lori Stelma

  Molly Beth Strijkan

  Sully Syed

  Angela T.

  Jacqueline Temkin

  Amanda Terkel

  Kayla Terry

  Mica Wickersham Thomas

  Matthew Thompson

  Ric Timmers