Chasing Clouds

by Kathryn Andrews

  “What about them?” I ask as he reaches for my hand.

  “Nate and I used to find as many business flyers as we could, and we would fold them into paper airplanes then throw them off the balcony of our apartment. Some would catch in the wind and some would nosedive to the ground, but we always sent them chasing the clouds. We were convinced that one day, one would soar so high, the clouds would reach down and take it with them to some far-off exotic place.”

  “See, we’re not so different after all.”

  He gives me an incredulous look but says nothing, appeasing me.

  Past him, my eyes catch on a slip of pale blue and I freeze.

  “Do you believe in heaven?” I ask in a low voice, unshed tears instantly burning.

  “Of course. Do you?” He turns to look at me, but I can’t tear my eyes off her. It’s been weeks since I’ve seen her.

  “Yes. Do you believe in angels?”

  “Honestly, I haven’t given it much thought, but I would say yes, why not.”

  “Do you think I’m crazy because I can see my dead sister and she talks to me?”

  “We already discussed this.” He studies my face. “But, no. Who am I to say what you do or don’t see? I believe in miracles, and those happen every day.”

  “Good, because I see her now.”

  Clare smiles, and I smile back.

  His eyes grow wide as he turns his head and looks around us. “Where is she?”

  “Right there, ten yards in front of us.” I point to the exact spot.

  Slowly, Reid and I stand. He brushes the dirt off of us as I continue to stare and grin. Reality is, I know she’s not really there . . . but then again, maybe she is.

  “I wish you could see her,” I whisper to him. I know he’s looking hard in the same direction I am, but he never will. His fingers thread through mine as he gently embraces me.

  “I do see her,” he whispers in my ear.

  I turn to look up and find his expression is affectionate, tender, pure acceptance.

  “I see her in you and through you, and not because of the way you look, but because of how you are. From all the stories you’ve told and all the memories shared, it’s the kindness that radiates from you that I’m certain radiated from her as well.”

  His words touch a delicate part of my heart, and I’m rendered near speechless.

  “I still wish you could have met her.”

  “Me too, princess. Me too.”

  Silence falls over us as I turn back to look at Clare and she stares at us. Never, not once since I started seeing her after her death have I been nervous to talk to her, but today I am. There’s something different; something’s about to change.

  “So, you’re finally making that move,” Clare says, popping her hip out and placing her hand on it.

  A laugh bursts out of my mouth and Reid startles next to me.

  “Yeah, I guess you could say I am.”

  “Good for you.”

  “Nice dress,” I state, stepping away from Reid and closer to her.

  “I think so.” She giggles, twirls, and the skirt flares out. It’s the strapless bridesmaid’s dress I had picked out for her and torn from a magazine. She wore it at our wedding and I remember thinking she looked so beautiful then, but she’s even more beautiful now.

  “Why am I the only one who can see you?”

  She tilts her head and thinks about her answer. “I don’t know, but then again, I don’t make the rules.”

  “Will I see you again?” I have to ask, have to know.

  She shrugs her shoulders and gives me a small smile. She doesn’t answer my question, but deep down, something tells me this is it. I knew it was coming; it was only a matter of time.

  She looks past me, and I know she’s looking at Reid. Warm salty tears flood my eyes as I so desperately wish my past could meet my future. To have them both in the same place at the same time—it’s like a dream come true, although it never really will.

  “You’re going to be all right,” she says, returning her loving gaze back to me.

  I know with absolute certainty she’s right, but then again, I also know, “I already am.”

  She smiles as the breeze around us lightly picks up, blowing her white blonde hair across her face.

  I never thought I’d be ready to let her go, to say goodbye, but now that we’re here, in the field, I realize it couldn’t have happened anywhere else. It’s idyllic. It’s destined.

  “I know,” she says. “With these new superpowers I have, I know all kinds of things.”

  I laugh at her wit; it’s so Clare to try to keep moments like this light and serene.

  “Are you going to share and tell me these things?” I ask, hopeful for more of anything she’s willing to give.

  “No way. Earning them is like a rite of passage, but you’ll see one day—one day really far from today.” She takes her time enunciating each word. Smiling, her crystal blue eyes bounce back and forth between me and Reid.

  It’s hard to hear this because her life was cut short, but I can’t help the swell of emotion that blooms knowing my time with him is near infinite. It makes surrendering to his love that much more effortless, and I’m grateful for this little gift she just gave me, gave us.

  “I miss you every day,” I tell her.

  “I know, but, Camille, I’m always with you. Don’t ever forget that.”

  “I won’t. I promise.”

  Words come to an end and silence fills the space between us. I soak up and cling to every detail of her I can, from the way her hair moves to the shine in her eyes and how her skin glows from the sunlight.

  Minutes pass as the image of her starts to turn translucent and waver. I know I’ve stopped breathing. This is about to be it, and I watch as a cool wind swirls around my legs and then hers, flapping her dress in the breeze. Leaves from the trees next to us rustle, and the grass around us sways.

  One by one, the white feathers of the dandelions in the field float up around us, and with one final kiss, blown straight to me, her image fades and scatters away with the seeds. It feels so dramatic, so final, and that’s because I know it is.

  I expected there to be an emptiness within, a great gaping hole, but there isn’t. Instead, through the tears, I blink and feel fulfilled—filled with friendship, support, and love, a love only a twin sister can give. Just because she’s absent doesn’t mean these things are, and I smile knowing they’ll never be gone, just like her.

  As I let out a sigh, the wind dies down, and I turn around to find Reid standing just a few feet away. His back is ramrod straight, his arms are folded over his chest, and his brows are pulled low over his eyes. He looks confused, very wary, and I couldn’t possibly love him more.

  Walking back, I stop in front of him and see that dandelion seeds are sticking all over him, in his clothes and in his hair. That’s when I know this was real, and inside I smile. Leave it to Clare to find a way to have the last word.

  “Are we going to talk about this?” he asks, briefly glancing over my shoulder to what I know is nothing but an empty field, and I just shake my head.

  Tears continue to fall, but I smile up into those light green eyes I know are all mine and say, “Not today, but one day.”

  “Are you okay?” he asks, searching my face for any tell that might show I’m anguished or distressed. He won’t find it, though, because after years, the burden has lifted and I feel released.

  “I’m better than I’ve ever been,” I say, and I mean it.

  The muscles in his face relax as he bends down and kisses my forehead. My eyes slip shut as I lean into him, finally knowing I’ll always be able to give him the best version of me. Our life won’t be restrained or suppressed by regrets or loss. We’ll live it to its fullest, because that’s what we both deserve.

  Clare and I once asked Grandfather how we became identical twins and he said, “One egg, two hearts.” He said there was so much love in that one little egg, it had to split in two
. The love couldn’t be contained, it had to be shared, and that’s what I plan to do.

  To love oneself is to love life.

  Months ago, I found myself asking two questions: who am I, and what’s important to me? I left the beach knowing what’s important, and with certainty and clarity, I now know who I am.

  When you hide who you are, you deny the world your gifts, and I have so many to give. I love the me I’m becoming, the me I was meant to be, but not just for myself—for Clare, too.

  She would want this for us, and I do, too.

  Pulling me closer, Reid tucks me up next to him as he drapes his arm over my shoulders. I wrap mine around his waist, and we begin to make our way back to the house together, hip to hip. Not much is said—I think we’re still both so lost in our thoughts—but as I look around, I realize Reid’s right: it is quiet here. It’s peaceful, or maybe it’s that I finally feel peace within me. Either way, I’m owning it.

  “So, Prince Charming . . .” I start as we find ourselves back on the path between the dogwoods. He huffs with amusement, but I think it’s fitting; after all, he does call me princess. “I was thinking we need to make a stop at the store before we hit the road.”

  “What for?” he asks suspiciously.

  “Gummy bears, of course.”

  “You do understand that just because they say they’re fat free, they’re not actually calorie free or sugar free.” He gives me side-eye as he speaks.

  “Shhh. Are you trying to ruin them for me? You know how much I love them,” I say with mock horror, teasing him.

  “Yeah, but not as much as you love me.” He smirks. He’s tempting me with those lips, and if he’s not careful, he might find himself making more memories with me behind the bushes.

  “This is true.” I pinch his side and he grunts. “By the way, after today, I’ve decided on our next honeymoon we’re going to spend half the day lying around on the beach and watching the clouds. It’s a rite of passage that you must call out any animals and objects you see in the sky. Everyone must do it at least once.”

  “Does this mean we’re going to be chasing them, too?” He chuckles.

  “No, I’m done chasing clouds.” I grin.

  “And why is that?” He looks down at me.

  “Because the only thing I’m interested in chasing is you.” I poke him in the chest.

  “Is that so?” His expression fills with complete devotion.

  “Yes.”

  Behind him, the sun provides a backdrop of light, and it’s stunning. He’s stunning.

  “Well, I hate to break it to you, but you’ve already caught me.”

  Yeah, I guess I have.

  Linking my fingers in his belt loop, I think about how he’s caught me, too. Who knew marrying a stranger would turn into the greatest love? A love I plan to spend the rest of my life holding onto, and never ever letting go.

  THE END

  Thank you for reading Chasing Clouds. If you enjoyed this book, please consider leaving a spoiler free review.

  OVER TEN YEARS ago my husband and I were driving from Chicago to Tampa and somewhere in Kentucky I remember seeing a billboard that was all black with five white words, “I do, therefore I am!” I’m certain that it was a Nike ad, but for me I found this to be completely profound.

  Take running for example. Most will say that a runner is someone who runs five days a week and runs under a ten minute mile pace. Well, I can tell you that I never run five days a week and on my best days my pace is an eleven minute mile. I have run quite a few half marathons and one full marathon. No matter what anyone says . . . I run, therefore I am a runner.

  I’ve taken this same thought and applied it to so many areas of my life: cooking, gardening, quilting, and yes . . . writing.

  I may not be culinary trained, but I love to cook and my family and friends loves to eat my food. I cook, therefore I am a chef!

  My thumb is not black. I love to grow herbs, tomatoes, roses, and lavender. I garden, therefore I am a gardener!

  I love beautiful fabrics and I can follow a pattern. My triangles may not line up perfectly . . . but who cares, my quilts are still beautiful when they are finished. I quilt, therefore I am a quilter.

  I have been writing my entire life. It is my husband who finally said, “Who cares if people like your books or not? If you enjoy writing them and you love your stories…then write them.” He has always been my biggest fan and he was right. Being a writer has always been my dream and what I said I wanted to be when I grew up.

  So, I’ve told you who I am and what I love to do . . . now I’m going to tell you the why.

  I have two boys that are three years a part. My husband and I want to instill in them adventure, courage, and passion. We don’t expect them to be perfect at things, we just want them to try and do. It’s not about winning the race; it’s about showing up in the first place. We don’t want them to be discouraged by society stereotypes, we want them to embrace who they are and what they love. After all, we only get one life.

  In the end, they won’t care how many books I actually sell . . . all that matters to them is that I said I was going to do it, I did it, and I have loved every minute of it.

  Find something that you love and tell yourself, “I do, therefore I am.”

  To my three guys, thank you for having patience with me and for giving me the time to dream up and write another beautiful story. I love each of you immensely and cannot imagine a life without you.

  To my sweet friend Megan. This book is for you because you never stop believing in me, supporting me, and cheering me on. Not one word hasn’t been touched by you and the story wouldn’t be the same without you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for everything.

  Author Elle Brooks, my book bestie, thank you for being you. Whether it’s sending me PMA vibes, while listening to me moan on and on about this story or sending me gif’s to storm the tower, you always know just what I need. This book isn’t complete without a toast, so cheers to us with our pink Moet Champagne!

  Author Karla Sorensen, thank you for your friendship, our daily chats about anything and everything, and for being the ultimate sprinting partner. You kept me going, even when I wanted to slow down, and I’m so grateful. Much love… xoxo

  Author Kandi Steiner, thank you for always being the first to help with industry advice, volunteering to blurb my stories, and well, for just being awesome. I am inspired by you daily and look forward to endless lunch dates.

  Julie from Heart to Cover, thank you for putting up with me. You create the face to my stories and this cover is just so beautiful. I appreciate every minute you spend working on teasers, revisions, and reading my words.

  Caitlin from Editing by C. Marie, thank you for leaving my voice as you worked your magic to make this manuscript as perfect as it is. I look forward to working with you again and again.

  Emily from Lawrence editing, thank you for proofreading and polishing this story to make sure it’s reader ready.

  Elaine, from Allusion Graphics, thank you for being my formatter and for creating the inside look. Every time I open Chasing Clouds, I’ll think of you and smile. Thank you for what you do . . .

  Lauren from Perrywinkle Photography, thank you for the beautiful cover image. It fits the story perfectly.

  To the book bloggers: Thank you! The book community on a daily basis still awes me. I am indebted to each of you. Thank you for the endless amount of support and interest you have shown for my stories. It’s through you that my dreams continue to come true.

  And finally . . . to the readers: THANK YOU. I really hope you enjoyed reading Chasing Clouds as much as I loved writing it. As an author, every review, every inbox message, and every comment means the world. Keep writing them and keep sending them, I read them all! Until next time! Take care . . . Kathryn xoxo

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