Fer-De-Lance

by Rex Stout

  “Dear me.” Dr. Bradford was swearing. “Your indignation is eloquent and picturesque, but it demonstrates nothing but indignation.” He looked at his watch. “I don’t need to tell you, Mr. Goodwin, that I’m tremendously interested. And while I shall continue to regard the vocation of raking scandal out of graveyards as an especially vile method of making a living, I shall certainly be vastly grateful to you and Nero Wolfe if the general statement you have made can be substantiated. Can you return here at half-past six?”

  I shook my head. “I’m just a messenger. Nero Wolfe dines at seven o’clock. He lives on West Thirty-fifth Street. He invites you to dine with him this evening. Will you?”

  “No. Certainly not.”

  “All right. That’s all.” I was fed up with the old pillar, moss and all. “If you get a rash from your curiosity itching don’t blame us. We don’t really need anything you’re likely to have, we just like to clean up as we go along. My three minutes are up.”

  I turned to go. I didn’t hurry, but I got to the door with my hand on the knob.

  “Mr. Goodwin.”

  I kept my hand on the knob and looked around at him.

  “I accept Mr. Wolfe’s invitation. I shall be there at seven.”

  I said, “Okay, I’ll give the girl the address,” and went on out.

  CHAPTER 12

  I’ve sometimes wondered how many people there were in New York from whom Nero Wolfe could have borrowed money. I suppose more than a thousand. I made it a severe test to narrow it down. Of course there were more than that who felt grateful to him, and as many more who had reason to hate him, but there’s a special kind of attitude a man has to have toward you before you can bump him for a loan and get something more substantial than a frown and a stammer for your trouble; a mixture of trust and goodwill, and gratitude without any feeling of obligation to make it unpleasant. At least a thousand. Not that Wolfe ever took advantage of it. I remember a couple of years ago we were really hard up for cash for a while, and I made a suggestion regarding a multimillionaire who didn’t owe Wolfe much more than his life. Wolfe wouldn’t consider it. “No, Archie, nature has arranged that when you overcome a given inertia the resulting momentum is proportionate. If I were to begin borrowing money I would end by devising means of persuading the Secretary of the Treasury to lend me the gold reserve.” I told him that as things stood we could use it and more too, but he wasn’t listening.

  After that Wednesday evening dinner I could have added Dr. Nathaniel Bradford to the thousand. Wolfe got him completely, as he always got everyone when he cared to take the trouble. Between six and seven, before Bradford arrived, I had made a condensed report of the events of the day, and at the dinner table I had seen at once that Wolfe agreed with me in erasing Bradford right off the slate. He was easy and informal, and to my practiced eye he always kept on a formal basis with a man as long as there was a chance in his mind that the man was headed for the frying-pan at Sing Sing or a cell at Auburn, with Wolfe furnishing the ticket.

  At dinner they discussed rock gardens and economics and Tammany Hall. Wolfe drank three bottles of beer and Bradford a bottle of wine; I stuck to milk, but I had had a shot of rye upstairs. I had told Wolfe of Bradford’s observation about a vile vocation and threw in my opinion of him. Wolfe had said, “Detach yourself, Archie, personal resentment of a general statement is a barbarous remnant of a fetish-superstition.” I had said, “That’s just another of your flossy remarks that don’t mean anything.” He had said, “No. I abhor meaningless remarks. If a man constructs a dummy, clothes and paints it in exact outward resemblance of yourself, and proceeds to strike it in the face, does your nose bleed?” I had said, “No, but his will before I get through with him.” Wolfe had sighed into my grin, “At least you see that my remark was not meaningless.”

  In the office after dinner Wolfe said to Bradford that there were things he wanted to ask him but that he would begin by telling him. He gave him the whole story: Maffei, the clipped newspaper, the question about the golf club that stopped Anna Fiore, the game with Anderson, the letter Anna got with a hundred bucks. He told it straight and complete, and then said, “There, Doctor. I asked you for no pledge beforehand, but I now request you to keep everything I have said in confidence. I ask this in my own interest. I wish to earn fifty thousand dollars.”

  Bradford had got mellow. He was still trying to make Wolfe out, but he was no longer nursing any hurtful notions, and the wine was making him suspect Wolfe of being an old friend. He said, “It’s a remarkable story. Remarkable. I shall mention it to no one of course, and I appreciate your confidence. I can’t say that I have digested all the implications, but I can see that your disclosure of the truth regarding Barstow was a necessary part of the effort to find the murderer of the man Maffei. And I can see that you have relieved Sarah and Larry Barstow of an intolerable burden of fear, and myself of a responsibility that was becoming more than I had bargained for. I am grateful, believe me.”

  Wolfe nodded. “There are subtleties, certainly. Naturally some of them escape you. All that we have actually proven is that of you four-Mrs. Barstow, her son and daughter, and yourself-none of you killed Carlo Maffei, and that the fatal driver was not in the golf bag on April ninth. It is still possible that any one of you, or all of you in conspiracy, killed Barstow. That theory would only require a colleague to dispose of Maffei.”

  Bradford, suddenly a little less mellow, stared. But the stare soon disappeared and he was easy again. “Rot. You don’t believe that.” Then he stared again. “But as a matter of fact, why don’t you?”

  “We’ll come to that. First let me ask, do you think my frankness has earned a similar frankness from you?”

  “I do.”

  “Then tell me, for example, when and how Mrs. Barstow previously made an attempt on her husband’s life.”

  It was funny to watch Bradford. He was startled, then he went stiff and quiet, then he realized he was giving it away and tried to dress up his face in natural astonishment. After all that he said, “What do you mean? That’s ridiculous!”

  Wolfe wiggled a finger at him. “Easy, Doctor. I beg you, do not suspect me of low cunning. I am merely seeking facts to fit my conclusions. I see I had better first tell you why I have dismissed from my mind the possibility of your guilt or that of the Barstows. I cannot feel such a guilt. That is all. Of course I can rationalize my feeling, or lack of it. Consider the requirements: a wife or son or daughter who plans the murder of the father with great deliberation, shrewdness and patience. The lengthy and intricate preparation of the tool. If the wife or daughter, a fellow conspirator who killed Maffei. If the son, the same requirement, since he did not do it himself. Archie Goodwin went there, and he could not spend hours in such a household without smelling the foul odor that it would generate and without bringing the smell to me. You also would have required an accomplice for Maffei. I have spent an evening with you. Though you might murder, you would not murder like that, and you would trust no accomplice whatever. That is the rationalization; it is the feeling that is important.”

  “Then why-”

  “No, let me. You, a qualified and competent observer, certified a heart attack when the contrary evidence must have been unmistakable. That is adventurous conduct for a reputable physician. Of course you were shielding someone. The statement of Miss Barstow indicated whom. Then on finding Barstow dead you must have immediately conjectured that his wife had killed him, and you would not reach so shocking a conclusion without good reason, surely not merely because Mrs. Barstow had in her neurotic moments wished her husband dead. If that constituted murder, what kitchen in this country could shut its door to the hangman? You had better reason, knowledge either of her preparations for this crime or for a previous attempt on her husband’s life. Since our facts make the former untenable, I assume the latter, and I ask you simply, when and how did she make the attempt? I ask you only to complete the record, so that we may consign these aspects of the case to the
obscurity of history.”

  Bradford was considering. His mellowness was gone and he was leaning forward in his chair as he followed Wolfe’s exposition. He said, “Have you sent someone to the university?”

  “No.”

  “They know about it there. You really guessed it then. Last November Mrs. Barstow shot a revolver at her husband. The bullet went wide. Afterward she had a breakdown.”

  Wolfe nodded. “In a fit, of course��� Oh, don’t object to the word; whatever you may call it, was it not a fit? But I am still surprised, Doctor. From a temporary fit of murderous violence, is it permissible to infer a long-premeditated diabolical plot?”

  “I made no such inference.” Bradford was exasperated. “Good God, there I was with my best and oldest friend lying dead before me, obviously poisoned. How did I know with what he was poisoned, or when or how? I did know what Ellen-Mrs. Barstow-had said only the evening before. I went by my feelings too, as you say you do, only mine were wrong. I got him safely and quietly buried, and I had no regrets. Then when the autopsy came with its amazing results I was too bewildered, and too far in, to act with any intelligence. When Mrs. Barstow proposed to offer the reward I opposed it unsuccessfully. In one word, I was in a funk.”

  I hadn’t noticed Wolfe pushing the button, but as Bradford finished Fritz was on the threshold. “Some port for Dr. Bradford. A bottle of the Remmers for me. Archie?”

  “Nothing, thanks.”

  Bradford said, “I’m afraid none for me, I should be going. It’s nearly eleven and I’m driving to the country.”

  “But, Doctor,” Wolfe protested, “you haven’t told me the one thing I want to know. Another fifteen minutes? So far you have merely verified a few unimportant little surmises. Don’t you see how shrewdly I have labored to gain your confidence and esteem? To this end only, that I might ask you, and expect a full and candid reply: who killed your friend Barstow?”

  Bradford stared, discrediting his ears.

  “I’m not drunk, merely dramatic,” Wolfe went on. “I am a born actor, I suppose; anyway, I think a good question deserves a good setting. My question is a good one. You see, Doctor, you will have to shake the dust from your mind before you can answer me adequately-the dust remaining from your hasty and unkind inference regarding your friend Mrs. Barstow. From that and your funk. Understand that it really is true, despite the anxieties you have harbored for many months, that Mrs. Barstow did not kill her husband. Then who did? Who, with the patience of a devil and the humor of a fiend, prepared that lethal toy for his hand? I believe you were Barstow’s oldest and closest friend?”

  Bradford nodded. “Pete Barstow and I were boys together.”

  “A mutual confidence was sustained? Though superficial interests separated you intermittently, you presented a common front to life?”

  “You put it well.” Bradford was moved, it showed in his voice. “A confidence undisturbed for fifty years.”

  “Good. Then who killed him? I’m really expecting something from you, Doctor. What had he ever said or done that he should die? You may never have heard the story whole, but surely you must have caught a chapter of it, a paragraph, a sentence. Let the past whisper to you; it may be the distant past. And you must discard reluctance; I am not asking you for an indictment; the danger here is not that the innocent will be harassed but that the guilty will go free.”

  Fritz had brought the beer and the port, and the doctor was leaning back in his chair again, glass in hand, with his eyes on the red rich juice. He jerked his head up and nodded at Wolfe and then resumed his contemplation. Wolfe poured himself some beer, waited for the foam to subside, and gulped it down. He always thought he had a handkerchief in the breast pocket of his coat but rarely did, so I went to a drawer where I kept a stack for him and got one and handed it to him.

  “I’m not listening to whispers from the past,” Bradford finally said. “I’m being astonished, and impressed, that there are none, of the kind you mean. Also I’m seeing another reason why I so readily concluded that Mrs. Barstow��� was responsible. Or rather, irresponsible. It was because I knew, or felt, unconsciously, that no one else could have done it. I see now more clearly than I ever did what an extraordinary person Pete Barstow was. As a boy he was scrappy, as a man he fought for every right he believed in, but I’ll swear there wasn’t a man or woman alive who could have wished him serious harm. Not one.”

  “Except his wife.”

  “Not even she. She shot at him from ten feet and missed him.”

  “Well.” Wolfe sighed, and gulped another glass of beer. “I’m afraid I have nothing to thank you for, Doctor.”

  “I’m afraid not. Believe me, Mr. Wolfe, I’d help you if I could. It is curious, what is happening inside of me at this moment; I would never have suspected it. Now that I know Ellen is out of it, I am not sure I disapprove of the reward she offered. I might even increase it. Am I vindictive, too, then? For Pete, maybe; I think he might have been for me.”

  It was altogether a bum evening, as far as I was concerned. For the last ten minutes I was half asleep and didn’t hear much. It was beginning to look to me as if Wolfe was going to have to develop a feeling for a new kind of phenomenon: murder by eeny-meeny-miny-mo. That was the only way that needle could have got into Barstow, since everybody was agreed that no one had wanted it there.

  It was a bum evening, but I got a grin out of it at the end. Bradford had got up to go and walked toward Wolfe’s chair to tell him good night. I saw him hesitating. He said, “There’s a little thing on my mind, Mr. Wolfe. I-I owe you an apology. In my office this afternoon I made a remark to your man, a quite unnecessary remark, something about raking scandal out of graveyards.”

  “But I don’t understand. Apology?” Wolfe’s quiet bewilderment was grand. “What had your remark to do with me?”

  Of course Bradford’s only out was the door.

  After seeing the distinguished old gentleman to the entrance and sliding the night bolt in, I went to the kitchen for a glass of milk on my way back to the office. Fritz was there and I told him he had wasted enough good port for one evening, he might as well shut up shop. In the office Wolfe was leaning back in his chair with his eyes shut. I sat down and sipped away at the milk. When it was all gone I was pretty well bored and began talking just for practice.

  “It’s like this, ladies and gentlemen. The problem is to discover what the devil good it does you to use up a million dollars’ worth of genius feeling the phenomenon of a poison needle in a man’s belly if it turns out that nobody put it there. Put it this way: if a thing gets where no one wants it, what happened? Or this way: since the golf bag was in the Barstow home for the twenty-four hours preceding the killing, how about finding out if one of the servants has got funnier ideas even than Mrs. Barstow? Of course, according to Sarah’s information there’s no chance of it, and another objection is that it doesn’t appeal to me. Lord, how I hate tackling a bunch of servants. So I guess I’ll drop in on the Barstows in the morning and go to it. It looks like it’s either that or quit and kiss the fifty grand goodbye. This case is a lulu all right. We’re right where we started. I wouldn’t mind so much if there was anyone to help me out on it, If only I didn’t have to do all the thinking and planning for myself, in addition to running around day after day and getting nowhere-”

  “Continue, Archie.” But Wolfe didn’t open his eyes.

  “I can’t, I’m too disgusted. Do you know something? We’re licked. This poison needle person is a better man than we are. Oh, we’ll go on for a few days fooling around with servants and trying to find out who put the ad in the paper for the metal-worker and so on, but we’re licked as sure as you’re full of beer.”

  His eyes opened. “I’m going to cut down to five quarts a day. Twelve bottles. A bottle doesn’t hold a pint. I am now going to bed.” He began the accustomed preparations for rising from his chair. He got up. “By the way, Archie, could you get out fairly early in the morning? You might reach the
Green Meadow Club before the caddies depart with their babies. That is the only slang epithet you have brought me recently which seems to me entirely apt. Perhaps you could also kidnap the two who are attending school. It would be convenient if all four of them were here at eleven. Tell Fritz there will be guests at lunch. What do boys of that age eat?”

  “They eat everything.”

  “Tell Fritz to have that.”

  As soon as I had made sure that he could still get into the elevator, I went on upstairs and set my alarm for six o’clock and hit the hay.

  In the morning, rolling north along the Parkway again, I wasn’t singing at the sunshine. I was always glad to be doing something, but I was not so liable to burst from joy when I suspected that my activity was going to turn out to be nothing but discarding from a bum hand. I didn’t need anybody to tell me that Nero Wolfe was a wonder, but I knew this gathering in the caddies was just a wild stab, and I wasn’t hopeful. As a matter of fact, it seemed to me more likely than ever that we were licked, because if this was the best Wolfe could do-It was a motor cop. With the northbound half of the Parkway empty at that hour of the morning I had been going something above fifty without noticing, and this bicycle Cossack waved me over. I pulled alongside the curb and stopped. He asked for my license and I handed it to him, and he got out his book of tickets.

  I said, “Sure I was going too fast. It may not interest you, I don’t know, but I’m headed for Anderson’s office in White Plains-the District Attorney-with some dope on the Barstow case. He’s in a hurry for it.”

  The cop just had his pencil ready. “Got a badge?”

  I handed him one of my cards. “I’m private. It was my boss, Nero Wolfe, that started the party.”