Girl

by Blake Nelson

  But outside, the whole neighborhood smelled like Homecoming. And I remembered other Homecomings and seeing the stadium lights from the parking lot and hearing the people cheer and running in to see what happened. And I thought of the green grass and everybody wearing sweaters and that smoky October smell and everybody talking about parties and which boys were cute. And now, getting into Rebecca’s car, I looked in the direction of Hillside and I could feel the pull of Homecoming. And when we turned on to Shelby Road it seemed like every passing car was people going to the game or parents taking their kids or maybe old people who went to Hillside when they were kids. And at the light we stopped and there was a man raking leaves in his yard and he had the radio on and I couldn’t really hear it but I imagined it was the game and that everywhere in the world people were sitting outside and listening to Homecoming and watching the distant stadium lights and hearing the people cheer whenever something good happened.

  We drove. When we got downtown we cruised by Outer Limits and there were so many people outside on the street Rebecca had to slow down and wait for them to move. And these boys were guzzling a quart of beer and everyone was smoking cigarettes and acting really cool and tough. But then on the next block we saw Greg’s station wagon which made me feel better. We parked beside it. And I didn’t have any makeup on and Rebecca had a little mascara and she looked at herself in the rear-view mirror and asked me if we should put on lipstick and I said, “I guess we better.” So she put some on and I put some on and then some eye pencil. And then she asked me if I ever smoked and I said I knew how and she said good and got some cigarettes from under the seat. And we got out and ran across the street and then we smoothed our dresses and turned the corner and walked into the crowd.

  The first person I saw was the rust-haired girl who was with Todd Sparrow last spring. She was standing against the wall and she had Jackie O sunglasses and a super short bob and she was smoking and talking to a black girl who had huge dreadlocks. And me and Rebecca tried to get by and the girl with the dreadlocks turned and she was so beautiful I just about died. “Holy shit,” said Rebecca, “did you see that girl?” And I nodded and we sort of stumbled forward, passing the guys we saw guzzling the beer and they said hi to us but we ignored them. And across the street there were some skinheads and their Nazi girlfriends, who looked like they were from a lower-class mall in Idaho or someplace. And Rebecca stopped and I walked right into her and we were both sort of freaking out. And she whispered to me if I wanted a cigarette but I didn’t and just then a breeze blew down the street and it smelled like rain and smoke and I thought I could be at Homecoming and at Renee Hatfield’s party with all the Hillside people, dancing and meeting cute boys and maybe getting a boyfriend but I was here and it was dark and the people were scary and weird and way too cool.

  Rebecca decided we should go in and we didn’t have to pay because Cybil had put us on the guest list so at least for a few seconds we felt like we belonged. Over the summer they had changed the inside of Outer Limits. It was bigger and there was a real stage now and big speakers and the walls were painted psychedelic and there were all these dolls stuck on the ceilings and stuff hanging down and flowers and toys and old seventies posters like Shaft and Farrah Fawcett along the walls. There weren’t too many people inside yet but Cybil and Greg were setting up his drums and Rebecca and I sat on the stage and I saw an amp with COLOR GREEN painted on the side. And then this weird guy came up and asked Rebecca if she had a cigarette and she gave him one. He lit it and said he was the drummer of Bender and they were from San Francisco and he’d never been to Portland before and what was it like? Well he sure asked the right person! Rebecca yakked at him for about an hour and he must have thought she liked him because he asked if he could stay with us. And Rebecca was like, “No way! We live with our parents! We’re only sixteen!” And the guy was like “oh” and he wandered off.

  But then Sins of Our Fathers played and they were so great! When they started no one was inside but people started coming in right away. Me and Rebecca were in front and I kept watching Cybil and looking back at the crowd and people were really liking it. And Cybil was so good and Richard and Greg too and they sounded like a real group and even their old songs were a hundred times better than before. And they had great new songs that you could dance to right away like this one called “Oblivion” which was about a girl who runs away and travels all around. And it was so wild because every girl at Outer Limits was swaying with the music and traveling away to the sound of Cybil’s voice. And I looked at Rebecca and she just shook her head and said, “Cybil is the coolest girl on the face of the earth.”

  · · ·

  15

  After that Pax played and then it was Color Green’s turn. And even though Bender was supposed to be the headliner it seemed like everyone wanted to see Color Green. And it was getting really packed and people were pushing and me and Rebecca tried to hold our place and not get pushed away by these dumb boys in flannel shirts who kept shoving each other. And it was so obvious that Color Green was such a big deal and I was already resenting them because I thought Cybil was the best. And when they came on stage they strutted around and acted so cool. And people yelled at Todd and he ignored everyone and they were such rock stars. And then they played and it was really loud and violent and the flannel boys started slamming and elbowing everyone and knocking into us and we had to move away because they were being such jerks.

  We went over to the side and watched from there. Then Cybil came over to us and said we could come into the dressing room if we wanted. So we did and it was this little room with graffiti everywhere and Richard and Greg were sitting on a bench drinking juice and eating rice cakes. And I told them how much I loved “Oblivion” and their old songs too and how dumb Color Green was but Cybil said Color Green was good, it was just more grunge influenced and we should give it a chance. And then some other guys came in and they smoked pot and Cybil waved the smoke away and when they left I smelled my dress to see if the smell got on me.

  · · ·

  When Color Green got done they came in and they were all sweaty. We scooted down the bench to give them room but they were just waiting for their encore. And I watched Todd and he asked if anyone had pot and then Cybil gave him some of her juice. And then they went back out and everyone cheered and screamed and it wasn’t that much different than a football game, boys smashing each other and getting all the glory, except that the audience was crazier and on more drugs.

  After their encore they came back and Cybil told us we should leave but Todd told us to stay and the one named Luke drank the rest of Cybil’s juice and he was a very dangerous-looking boy. He had tattoos and long hair and this sort of greasy stoner look in his eyes. And they all flopped on the bench and Todd took off his shirt and he had gross little hairs coming out of his nipples. And he talked to Cybil and she was being so polite and respectful and it made me mad because her band was as good as his.

  Then the guys from Bender came in and it got too crowded so we went outside and sat on the curb. And after a while Todd and Luke came out and sat there too, a little down from us and of course they were talking to the rust-haired girl and her beautiful dreadlocked friend and they were the coolest girls there and they knew it. And then this guy came up to me and it was Kevin! Kevin who drove me home the night Mark Pierce cut his head! Wow! He said he saw us going into the dressing room and were we rock stars now? I was so happy to see him, I gave him a big hug. And he had a friend, Doug, who was visiting from college and he was cute and he had a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and he offered it around. I took a little and Rebecca took some and she immediately started flirting with him. Then Todd Sparrow came over and made everyone nervous because he was such a star. But then Doug offered him the bottle and he took a sip and handed it to Luke and when Luke saw what it was he said, “All right!” and everybody laughed. And then the rust-haired girl came over but she didn’t talk and she didn’t want any Jack Daniel’s. She just stood behin
d Todd and stared at Cybil and she was extremely weird.

  Then Bender played. They were really loud and noisy and everybody was outside anyway and it was such a scene, like a party, except it was on the street and no high school idiots and everyone was so cool. Rebecca got out her cigarettes and I decided to smoke one except I was out of practice and I coughed and it was embarrassing. And then Todd reached over and grabbed it out of my mouth and at first I just stared at him but then I was like, “Give it back!” He said he’d show me how, and I tried to grab it and he said I was too young to smoke and I chased him across the street and everybody laughed. So I went back to the curb and sat with Rebecca and she gave me another one and I lit it but I didn’t really smoke it because I didn’t want to start coughing in front of everyone. And then Todd tried to sit down between me and Rebecca and we wouldn’t let him and he said we were lesbians. Then he looked really hard at me and said, “Didn’t I see you outside the library one time?” I said, “No!” And I got another sip of Jack Daniel’s and Luke talked to the rust-haired girl and I asked Todd who she was and he said her name was Carla and did I want to meet her? I said no and Todd asked me if I liked girls and I tried to kick him and my cigarette fell in my lap and almost burned my cow dress.

  Then we got in cars to go to a party. It was some people Todd knew and we didn’t know if we were invited but Todd said we were. Rebecca tried to get Kevin and Doug in our car but they had their own car so we ended up with Mike, who was the drummer of Color Green. Mike had a quart of beer in a paper bag that was all wet and Rebecca kept telling him not to spill any because she’d get in big trouble. So then we followed Greg, who was following Todd, and we were like a caravan and I looked at my watch and it was already quarter to twelve, I only had an hour. We got to the party and went inside and boy was I glad I had on lipstick because the people were totally weird and underground. Everyone stared at us and Todd led us into the backyard which was a relief. Rebecca and I sat on the steps and Todd sat with us and Kevin and Doug wanted to sit too but there wasn’t room so they just stood there and they couldn’t talk because Todd was talking. Rebecca gave Todd a cigarette and he demonstrated all the ways to hold it like: “The Intellectual,” “The Bitch,” “The Bohemian,” and I kept laughing even though I didn’t want to encourage him. And then I looked up and Cybil was watching all this and Richard too and they weren’t talking to anyone or having fun and suddenly I felt like I was being this idiot party girl.

  Rebecca and I left at quarter to one and we zoomed through town and then out Highway 27 and onto Shelby Road and at the big intersection there was a car across from us full of people and a boy was hanging out the window yelling “Hillside rules!” So I guess we beat Camden at football. And we raced home and I sniffed myself for cigarette smoke and jammed pieces of gum in my mouth and we got to my house at ten after and I ran in and my dad was asleep in front of the TV. Thank God. I went upstairs and stripped out of my clothes and jumped in bed but I was way too excited to sleep. So I put on Girl Patrol and laid there thinking about Kevin and Doug and mysterious Carla and the black girl with dreadlocks and the stupid flannel boys and scary Luke and the Bender guy from San Francisco and all the weird people at the party and most of all, even though I was trying not to, I kept thinking about Todd Sparrow and the cigarettes and remembering how he touched my hand when he showed me how to hold it.

  · · ·

  On Saturday I went downtown with Rebecca and we went to Scamp’s and we were hoping we might see someone from Outer Limits but it was all normal people downtown, like no cool people would even go there on Saturday. And we wondered if Kevin and Doug would call and Rebecca said that the real question was Todd Sparrow and I was like what do you mean? She said he totally liked me and I was like, “No way!” And she said yes and I told her she was crazy. But then she got really quiet and she was scraping the last of her yogurt out of her cup and not looking at me and I wondered if it could be true.

  And then on Sunday Kevin called and his friend Doug was going back to Oregon State and did we want to hang out and see him off? We did and it was fun because we had cappuccinos at Metro Mall and then walked around by the bus station and Rebecca kept tagging along beside Doug and asking him questions and totally putting the moves on him. And then when his bus came she gave him this big kiss and Kevin looked at me and I knew he wanted to kiss me too but he was afraid so nothing happened.

  But then the next day he called me and invited me to a movie and afterward he kissed me right away and then we made out for an hour. We went out a couple more times and then on Halloween we went to a party of Learning Center people and everyone was on drugs except us. And that night we tried to have sex in his car but it was difficult and it was over before it really began. And afterward Kevin was getting all weird about Cybil and the Outer Limits scene and he said he thought it was okay to screw around like that when you were in high school but a real artist had to be more serious and I said that Cybil to me was the most real artist that could ever be since she spoke straight from her soul. And he said that music wasn’t really art and we argued about it and I guess he felt bad because he couldn’t have sex very long.

  · · ·

  And then I had to do this horrible history report and my parents started letting me have the car to go to the downtown library. And I bought a pack of cigarettes to have an excuse to stand outside and I always watched for Todd Sparrow but it was November and cold and raining every day so I couldn’t stay out there very long. And when the library closed I’d go to Scamp’s and eat frozen yogurt. And I’d sit by the window and watch people and wonder where Todd might be. And it was so weird because with Brad I wanted so badly to love him but I couldn’t and with Todd I didn’t want to love him but it was happening anyway and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

  16

  At Christmas my brother, James, brought his wife, Emily, to visit. I came home from school and everyone was sitting around the kitchen table and Emily was totally pregnant and she looked like she had a beach ball under her dress. And I always liked seeing James but Emily bugged me and whenever they visited everything started to smell like her. And the way they gushed over her pregnancy was so disgusting. And she kept smiling at me like we were sisters and sometimes she’d make fun of James or call him “Jaimie,” and want me to go along with it and I was just like, excuse me, James is my brother, who are you? And no one said it but they all looked at her belly and then at my belly and I was just like, don’t even think about it.

  Then on the last school day before vacation it went around that this anorexic freshman girl had tried to kill herself and was in the hospital and everyone was freaking out. Mrs. Schroeder, who did suicide awareness, was making all her health classes write in this huge card. But no one wanted to because they didn’t know what to write and if they wrote something and they weren’t really friends with her wouldn’t it seem fake? And wouldn’t that just remind her that she didn’t really have any friends and wouldn’t that make it worse? Mrs. Schroeder didn’t seem to understand this and she told everyone how horrible they were and then she sent a bunch of people to Mrs. Katz’s office. Everyone was whispering about it and me and Cybil walked by her classroom on the way to lunch and Mrs. Schroeder was practically crying and Mrs. Katz was yelling at people and it was just a mess.

  Then I went Christmas shopping for my brother. I wanted to go to Sunset Mall but Darcy and Wendy were both working there over Christmas and I was dressed really stupid and I didn’t want them to see me. So I went to the Sherwood Oaks Mall but they didn’t have anything good so I went downtown. And after all the times I’d gotten dressed up to go to the library or Metro Mall or even just to drive by Outer Limits, here I was in my boringest pair of jeans and my prissy Keds and this dumb sweatshirt and I was rushing through Kruger’s and who was standing there but Todd Sparrow and Carla. Of course Carla looked stunning and Todd had a cool leather trench coat and I tried to sneak past but he grabbed my arm and I just about died of embarrassment.
And then he asked me how come me and Cybil didn’t come see Color Green at a Christmas benefit thing because he thought we’d be there and he looked for us. I hadn’t even heard about it and I was getting all nervous and apologizing and explaining why I was dressed so stupid. And Todd was like, “It’s all right, Andrea. Everything is all right.” So I calmed down and I told them I was looking for something for my brother and I described James and Todd said, “What kind of music does he like?” I didn’t really know and Carla said she got her brother a special pipe from Turkey to smoke pot in and I just stared at her. And then they invited me upstairs to the coffee shop and it was so weird because all these yuppies and suburban types were jammed in there and getting all frantic with the Christmas rush but Todd and Carla were so calm and mellowing everyone out with their cool style. We sat in the smoking section and Carla smoked her cigarette exactly like “The Bitch” that Todd had described but I was so surprised because she was actually very nice and sort of odd. Like we were talking about Todd’s benefit show and she seemed like she was listening but then she said, “How about Love Signs? Is your brother into astrology?” And she kept shrugging, even when she didn’t mean to, like a nervous tick. And you could tell she wasn’t just trying to be weird. And you could also tell how Todd looked out for her and how they must hang around together all the time.