by Blake Nelson
Everyone was sick of everyone. But that didn’t stop them from having parties. Wendy Simpson had about ten and she had become Party Queen of Hillside. Arid Darcy had found a new boyfriend from Camden and they were practically married according to everyone. And Rebecca was teaching Tom Petrovich how to give her orgasms. And the football season went on forever because they kept winning and advancing in the big state tournament so the cheerleaders were busy making banners and having rallies and getting sexually harassed by the football players. And then Mrs. Katz had an operation and Mrs. Schroeder got all hysterical because someone wrote “Die bitch!” and drew swastikas on the card they were sending her. And then this really wild-looking freshman girl that nobody knew stole her stepfather’s car and drove it into the wall by Hawthorne Tunnel at ninety miles an hour and there was a big controversy if it was suicide. So The Oregonian ran a big article about how many teen suicides were covered up as accidents and there was a sidebar about if heavy metal was really a cause of suicide or if it was just a symptom.
And then one day there was a thing in The Oregonian that said that Color Green was playing at Baker Theater with Mirage from England. The show was December 28. And I was immediately getting nervous like what would I do if I saw Todd and would he call me and would I have sex with him? Of course I would. In a second. Matthew was trying to get Sins of Our Fathers onto the bill as the local act and Eric K Club was now co-manager so he was involved. And Cybil said that Eric kept calling her and she was freaking out because she wasn’t sure what he wanted since he wasn’t pressuring her for sex or trying to impress her or any of the usual things.
And then Hillside got into the state championship and the whole football fever which had been this annoying rah-rah thing switched into this mystical thing where if a football player walked by everyone stopped talking and looked at him with total reverence. They were going to play in the stadium downtown against Carlton Tech, which was mostly black people from the North Side of town. And the Carlton team was already the state champions and so there were all these articles in The Oregonian about Hillside and our poor underdog football team.
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And it was getting cold out and raining and the leaves were off the trees and I felt like this was my last autumn and soon my high school life would be over. And I dug out my British overcoat and it was so woolly and wonderful that I’d go places just so I could wear it. And Cybil was always at practice and Rebecca was always with Tom so I’d ride the bus downtown and walk around by myself. I’d go to Scamp’s and have frozen yogurt because I could blow off my homework now since it didn’t really matter anymore, especially if I got into Wellington. And I would go into bookstores and read The New York Times and look at books or Vogue or whatever and I’d feel so adult and intelligent. And then I’d walk along Broadway and look in all the shops and let my mind fill up with all the things I could do in my life and how exciting everything was.
And then Cybil wanted to go to the big championship football game so we went in disguise with our big overcoats and hats and umbrellas. And Cybil wanted to watch the Carlton band because they were the best in the city so we sat in the Carlton parents section with all the black adults and it was sort of fun. The Carlton band totally jammed and played all these cool beats while our dumb band played “Hawaii Five-O” over and over. And the whole stadium was totally packed and it was pretty weird because it was like black people on one side and white people on the other. Then on the first play the Carlton guys made a touchdown and they danced around and after just a few minutes they made another one and at half time it was twenty-eight to nothing and Bobby Wingate threw his helmet at the bench. And the Carlton cheerleaders were totally hot during half time and making our girls look so prissy. And then we went to the bathroom and I was waiting for Cybil to come out of the stall and these black girls came up to me and they said I was in the wrong bathroom. I tried to shrug and I was too scared to talk and then Cybil came out and she went right up to them and started talking to them and not showing any fear at all. They asked us if it was true that we didn’t have any black people at our school. I couldn’t think of any but I waited to see what Cybil said and she was like, “No, not that many.” They asked why not and Cybil said because no black people lived there. And they said we were racists and Cybil just shrugged and then we went out and they were right behind us but Cybil was walking really macho and not looking back. And when we got to the Hillside section we looked back and they were gone and we were so relieved.
After that we stayed on our own side. And it was so weird because you could feel the money and the nice clothes and how clean and white everyone was and they were yelling at the team and everyone was so pissed because we were getting creamed. And the more I thought about it the more pissed I got at those girls for facing us so bad and I wanted to go back and beat them up but obviously I couldn’t. And I guess they were right, Hillside was racist but it wasn’t me and Cybil’s fault. And then on the first play of the second half Carlton got another touchdown and there was a fight on the field and everyone was moaning and we decided to leave.
But then in the parking lot these black guys were standing outside the gates and they started following us and one of them ran up to me and I just about jumped out of my skin. Cybil held my hand and they walked beside us and asked us if we were lesbians. And the one boy walked in front of us and said we should “try some dick” and he undid his pants to show us his. And I was getting really scared and our car was way out at the edge of the parking lot and I didn’t know how we were going to make it. And then we saw these two white parents who were supposed to be patroling the parking lot but the black guys laughed like nothing was wrong and the white people just kept walking.
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But then nothing happened. We got to Cybil’s car and they were still teasing us and goofing around and we got in and locked the doors and I was so freaked out I was shaking. So then we drove across the river to K Club and it was kind of quiet because Party Hats were playing and there weren’t many people. Eric was there and we went in his office and he made us tea and Cybil explained what happened and she was so casual about it but I felt terrible and like I was becoming such a racist. But after some tea we felt better and Eric was so nice and gentle and he just adored Cybil, you could tell. And then he said he had a surprise for us and he unrolled this poster and it said Mirage at Baker Theater with special guests Color Green and Sins of Our Fathers. And Cybil’s mouth dropped open and my mouth dropped open and Eric just beamed.
But while we were drinking tea and relaxing with Eric there was a huge fight in the stadium parking lot after the football game. The police had to come and it was basically Carlton versus Hillside, black against white. So then on Monday we had this big assembly and we had racial awareness in all our classes and it was so weird because it seemed like the more we talked about it the worse it got. Like Mrs. Schroeder said if you see a black person in a store you should smile and be nice to them and try to act normal. And then someone drew a bunch of swastikas and KKKs in the boys bathroom and the teachers got all upset and then we had to have another assembly and everyone was totally bumming out. And then The Oregonian ran this big article about how the real estate people around Hillside wouldn’t let blacks move in and it was this big scandal and everyone was accusing everyone else and the whole thing just made you feel sick to your stomach
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The only bad thing about having Cybil for your best friend was she didn’t like to talk about boys. I mean she would but she wouldn’t gush or discuss sex or gossip like most girls. Her idea of talking about boys was to get really depressed and wonder how anyone could ever connect with anyone else. Or if boys could think past the ends of their penises. And also she never wanted to go boyfriend hunting. Not even in a sarcastic way. Like you couldn’t call up Cybil and say you felt horny and let’s go down to Monte Carlo. And it was weird because it rubbed off on me and when I would hear girls being really giggly about
a guy I would act aloof and think how dumb they were and how shallow. But then other times I would look in the mirror and I would think how it was such a waste to be seventeen and not scamming on boys in a major way.
And then Beth finally got Nathan to ask her out and since she was really my only friend at Hillsider I had to go to Arctic Circle and listen to all the details of their date, how they went to a movie and went for pizza and how they talked about college and marriage and what kind of families they would have. And inside I was like, oh, please, but outside I was like, “Really? He said that?” And on Thursdays Amy had swimming practice so I could go to Hillsider without worrying about another confrontation. And Michael Strohecker was always there and I hadn’t really thought of him as a boyfriend prospect but he was kind of cute and he stuck up for me and he seemed easy to talk to.
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Then Cybil made out with Eric. It happened on a Wednesday night when she was at K Club. They were hanging out and he asked if he could kiss her and she said okay and then they made out on the couch in his office. After she told me I was like, “Well?” She was like, “Well what?” I said, “Do you like him more?” She said, “Why would I like him more?” And I gritted my teeth and I said, “Because you made out with him!” But she didn’t understand and she said how weird it was and she figured it would screw everything up and she was being totally impossible.
So then I wanted to go out with someone and I thought of Michael Strohecker. I went to his locker after school and talked to him about music and I asked him if he felt like going downtown to Poor Boy Records. He said sure but then he looked at me really strangely like he couldn’t believe I had asked him out. I drove and he was acting totally weird and his ego was getting so big because he thought I was in love with him. And then at the record store he made me look at horrible jazz records and he didn’t even like heavy metal and he was a boy! And then these two really cute skate boys walked in. They were looking at cool stuff and I was watching them but Michael yelled at me to come look at a Grateful Dead bootleg and it was so embarrassing.
And then Eric K Club invited me and Cybil to a party at his parents’ house at Lake Oswego. It was this big house and all these older music-business types were there, guys with leather jackets, women with miniskirts and leopard skin tops and too much freckles from tanning machines. Matthew came and we had “cocktails” and acted sophisticated and Matthew told us who everyone was and tried to get Cybil to talk to this woman Ronnie Kincaid who was a big shot in the music business. And me and Cybil were totally dressed and I had my hair up and tons of lipstick and we looked very striking and all the men were staring at us.
Then this cool hippie guy came in and he looked like a male model and he was with someone and it was Carla. I grabbed Cybil and we ran over to Carla and gave her hugs and jumped around and told her about the show with Mirage and Color Green and Sins of Our Fathers. And everyone was looking at us so we went in the bathroom and did makeup and Carla told us all the big news from Seattle. And it was big. Todd had almost got married to Tori but then Tori had an affair with a lesbian named Katrina and Todd got in a fight with Katrina and she tried to have him arrested except she had a warrant on herself from parking tickets and when the cops came she had to hide in her garage. And then Carla said how Color Green was getting so huge and getting on the radio all around the country. They had a new manager in L.A. and they were suing Buzz Mitchell and they had this punk rock lawyer who used to work for Hulk Hogan. And finally I said, “But how is Todd?” Carla said he was okay but he always seemed tired when she talked to him. And everyone said how tiring it must be to be a big rock star. And all the time we were sneaking looks at Carla’s date, who was sitting in the bathtub smoking cigarettes like he was in a fashion ad.
Back outside the party was getting crowded. People were in the kitchen and squished in the hallways and Mirage was playing in the living room and people were dancing. And everyone stared at Carla and her beautiful boyfriend, and me and Cybil were sort of following them around and we all sat on a couch in the living room and watched people dance. And then Carla’s date handed her a pill and Carla asked us if we wanted to do Ecstasy with them. We said no thanks and watched them swallow the capsules. And then Cybil asked her about Ecstasy and what did it do and Carla said it was like drinking lots of coffee and being drunk at the same time and it was great for dancing.
But then it was really awkward because we tried to act casual but we kept looking at Carla and her boyfriend to see what was happening to them. So then Cybil and I went in the kitchen and Eric tried to talk to us and Cybil wouldn’t even look at him. We moved over to the drinks table and Cybil said maybe we should take Ecstasy and I was totally against it but she said she couldn’t deal with Eric and she was going to. I said, “I guess I’ll just go home then.” Cybil took a big drink of vodka and said don’t be like that. But there was no way. If she took Ecstasy I was gone. And she said it wasn’t that big of a deal and Matthew had done it and it might be fun. I said, “If it’s so fun why are you doing it now when you’re depressed and hating Eric and getting drunk on vodka?” But that just made her mad and she walked away and went back to the living room. I watched her go. And the minute she was gone all these guys started talking to me and somebody handed me a drink and I put it down and walked through the hallway and out the front door. I got in my car and slammed the door. I got out my keys. But then I just sat there. I sat there for an hour. And then I went back inside and into the living room and Cybil and Carla and Matthew were dancing and laughing and I knew they were all on Ecstasy. So I went to the couch but Cybil saw me and pulled me into the dancing. So I danced and they were all acting weird and Matthew tripped and almost fell and everyone was cracking up. And I started to worry because what if Todd came to Portland and everyone was getting into drugs except me? And then Cybil sat on the couch and I sat with her and I asked her what it was like and when she looked at me it was so weird because it wasn’t her. It was like there was a different person inside her face. And her voice sounded really high and strained and she said it was really fun. But it didn’t look fun. It looked terrible. And then she said she didn’t mind that I didn’t want to do it and she understood and she still loved me. And then she asked if she could put her head on my lap and before I could answer she did it and it was so embarrassing except I was the only one who was embarrassed. And then I hated myself for being so uptight and I took a big gulp of her vodka and stroked her hair and watched everyone dance. And then some other people sat down on the couch and they must have been on Ecstasy too because they had that same zombie look on their faces. So I took another huge gulp of the vodka and that helped me relax and Cybil’s hair felt really warm and soft and I petted it and remembered when it was stubble. And just when I was getting in a better mood I felt this wet spot on my leg and I realized Cybil was crying her eyes out.
I tried not to panic. I had heard that people got mushy on Ecstasy. And when Matthew walked by the couch I tried to wave him over but he was so high he didn’t understand. And then I whispered to Cybil if she was okay but she was just sobbing. And then I asked her if she wanted to leave and she nodded yes and I sat her up. She looked so scary. She had black eye mascara smeared down her cheeks and her lipstick was all smudged. And I got our coats and helped her with hers and she seemed okay but as soon as she got in the car she collapsed into tears again.
Fortunately her mom wasn’t home and I got her inside and then I just wanted to leave. But I was afraid to because she was so cold so we went in her living room and sat down and she started pulling all these blankets around her even though she had her coat on and it was already warm in the house. So I stayed and then she was mumbling about her mother and how she wanted to die before her mother and no matter what else happened please God could she just die before her mother. And I was like, “Nobody’s going to die,” but of course everybody was and I knew it and Cybil knew it too and it made me cold just watching her shiver.
Then she wanted t
o go to her mother’s room. I helped her carry the blankets because she was afraid to come out of them because she was freezing and her teeth were chattering. We got her to the bed and she was still cold so we piled all the blankets on top of her and even with her clothes on she was still shivering. And then she asked me to get in with her and I didn’t know what to do so I took off my coat and my shoes and crawled in as best I could. And as soon as I did she scooted over to me and hugged me and with her big coat on it was like hugging a bear.
But it seemed to work. After a while she stopped shaking and she whispered to me in nonsense sentences and told me I was her best friend and she loved me and then she stroked my hair and called me her dear Andrea and she pretended we were British and shouldn’t we go back to England and would I like some tea and crumpets? I was like, “I don’t know, Cybil, would you please stop chewing on my ear?” And she kept saying, “Oh my dear dear Andrea,” and it was so hot I was sweating. And then she sat up and took off her coat and her shirt and kicked her shoes out of the covers. And then she started pulling on my shirt and giggling and tickling me and grabbing my bra. And she was on Ecstasy so she had an excuse but what excuse did I have?
I guess it was her smell. And the parts of her neck that I had been watching for so long. And how smooth her skin was and how some parts of her body seemed so familiar and other parts seemed so new. And it was so comfortable and I knew exactly what she meant when she said she loved me because I loved her too. And we sort of kissed each other and touched and chewed each other’s ears. And then she pressed against me and we rocked back and forth and it was all so sleepy and dreamy and like we weren’t even doing it, like it was just our bodies doing it and we weren’t even involved.
