by Blake Nelson
Then I woke up. My head hurt like a hangover and I was sweaty and hot and I looked at the clock and it was four-thirty in the morning. Cybil was fast asleep. So I slipped out of the bed as quietly as I could and dug around for my clothes. Then I walked outside to my car and the sky was so cold and black and then I really woke up. And I knew what I had done and I was panicking and trying to find my car keys and get myself home before I totally freaked out.
Back at my house my dad was asleep in front of the TV. I crept up to my room and started the shower and sat down in the tub and let the hot water pour over me. After that I got in my bed and I laid there and when I closed my eyes it was like I was falling right out of myself, right out of my body and into this other world where everything was a dream and when you woke up you were six years old again and nothing counted yet and everything was still to come.
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At school on Monday I avoided Cybil all morning. After fourth period I looked for Beth so I’d have someone to eat lunch with. When I finally found her she was with Nathan but she could see I was desperate and she invited me along. The three of us went to Arctic Circle. Nathan talked the whole time and Beth gushed over him and the one time I tried to talk they both interrupted. And it seemed like all the Hillsider people were snubbing me now that Amy Brubaker had faced me so bad. It was like they were getting back at me for being too cool and all I could do was sit there and take it.
And then after fifth period Cybil came to my locker. I just held my breath. And she was being really shy and she thanked me for taking her home from Eric’s and said sorry for any embarrassing stuff and then she said how sick she was from the Ecstasy hangover. I put my stuff in my locker and I was avoiding eye contact but when I actually looked at her I was so relieved to see Cybil and not that zombie face. And then she said how it was so true that Ecstasy made you mushy and weird and wanting to hug everyone. And we both looked up and down the halls like this was our little secret, which obviously it would be.
But the big news of Eric’s party wasn’t us. It was Matthew. And Carla. Matthew had somehow got her away from her hippie model and they had gone down by K Club and spent the whole night wandering around the warehouse buildings and the train tracks. It was Wednesday when Cybil told me and I was like, “No way!” And we were whispering a hundred miles an hour and she found out at practice because Fiona was bugging him and the way they talked about it it was like something sexual had happened. And we couldn’t figure it out because wasn’t Carla celibate and what would she want with Matthew? And Cybil said how Matthew was so proud of it and it was weird because even though Matthew was sort of slimy his attitudes toward women always seemed okay. My theory was that he wanted to follow in Todd’s footsteps. But Cybil said, “Then why didn’t he go after you?” I said because I was too boring and Cybil said I wasn’t boring but I said I was and I didn’t mind because it made it easier to have interesting friends.
On Thursday Cybil and I went to Taco Time with Matthew. And we were pissing our pants and Matthew was totally teasing us and we were like, “Are you going to call her?” “What did she say?” “Does she like you?” “What happened to her boyfriend?” And Matthew laughed at us and said, “To tell you the truth I was a little surprised how wild she was.” And then we were really pissing our pants and saying: “Like what?” “Like sex?” “Was she kinky?” “What did she do?” But he just laughed and he wouldn’t tell us anything and then he went to his car to smoke pot before fifth period.
And then it was December and I was getting nervous because my letter from Wellington would come soon. And Sins of Our Fathers were playing in Eugene and Seattle so Cybil was in and out of school, leaving me to hang out with Beth, who was now asking me about the Metro Mall and thinking she’d write an article about street kids and runaways. And then Beth had a party at her house for Hillsider people and it was weird because her parents were there and everyone drank sparkling cider and stood around the fireplace. Fortunately Amy Brubaker didn’t come and I mostly hung out with Nathan and Beth. And it was like a real adult party and I thought this was what college would be like, very polite and civilized and everyone smiling a lot.
And then one cold day the envelope was in the mailbox. It had my name on the front and in the left-hand corner it said Wellington University and it had a little shield and some Latin words and it looked very Eastern. And everyone said if it was thin that was good and if it was fat that was bad. It seemed sort of in-between. And I said a little prayer and ripped it open and I was accepted to Wellington! I ran in the house and jumped around and I called my mom and told her and she was so happy. Then I called my dad but he was pulling someone’s wisdom teeth so I left a message. And then I wanted to talk to someone my own age, like Cybil, but I was afraid to call her because … I don’t know why. Maybe she would be jealous or think I was a snob or something. So I took the car and drove around and then I went to Hillside to see if Mr. Perry was still there but he wasn’t. So then I walked across the street to Taco Time which was totally deserted and quiet inside. And I got a coffee and sat by the window and watched the cars drive by and I didn’t know what was going to happen to me but I knew something was.
And then my brother and his wife came for Christmas and I had to ride out to the airport with Mom. But I didn’t mind and all the time we were there I imagined myself getting on a plane to Connecticut. And then James and Emily appeared and they had a baby. I guess I knew they had one but I had forgotten. And I had to pretend like I was excited and say how cute it was but actually it was fat and ugly. And it was drooling all over itself and wearing this little baby hat that was falling off. And then Emily did her usual thing of acting like me and her were long-lost sisters. She said to the baby, “Does Andrea want to hold us?” And everybody looked at me like if I didn’t it would be the biggest crime of the century. So I smiled and took the baby and it immediately drooled all over my sweater. And all the time Emily watched my face to make sure I was enjoying it.
The next couple days were pretty hectic around our house, which was good because it made me forget about seeing Todd and the Mirage/Color Green/Sins of Our Fathers show which was December 28. On Christmas Eve we went to church and afterward my dad gave me a talk about how expensive Wellington was and the sacrifice it meant for their pension fund. It didn’t really sound like Dad though, it sounded more like Mom’s words in Dad’s mouth. And then to remind me of the terrible cost of Wellington I didn’t get anything good for Christmas. And that night we all went out to dinner and talked about what I should major in and Mom seemed to be getting a little too worked up about it and I had to remind her that I was the one going and I would have to figure it out for myself. And Emily said, “Good for you, Andrea,” and gave us all a feminist lecture, which just made my mother more cranky.
And then Beth called to ask me what happened because everyone was getting their early decision things back. I said I got in and she was totally excited and it was so fun to talk to someone who understood. And she told me that Nathan had not gotten into Yale. But Martin Schaap had gotten into Princeton and so far it was just me and him, which was embarrassing since Martin Schaap was a total calculus nerd. I asked her how Nathan was taking it and she said so-so and I felt bad because for someone like Nathan what college you went to was everything. So I called him but he sounded really weird and sort of cocky and he made fun of me for applying to Wellington on early decision because it was a “small school” and for early decision you should shoot for the moon. I thought Shoot for the moon? And since I had never heard anyone my age say that I figured that’s what his parents were telling him to make him feel better.
And then it was the day before the big Mirage show and I drove over to Matthew’s to watch Sins practice. Matthew’s weird mom let me in and she talked to me and gave me cookies. Then I went downstairs and it was all smoky from cigarettes and pot and Fiona was playing her bass and Cybil had her fingers in her ears and she and Matthew were discussing the set l
ist. Greg was playing his drums and Fiona told him to shut up because she was trying to play something different. And then Cybil told them both to shut up and she pointed out something to Matthew. And then Greg started playing “Oblivion” and Matthew yelled SHUT UP! That seemed to work but then Fiona played a Pax song and Greg did a surf beat and then Matthew ran over and ripped the sticks out of his hands. And Greg started pounding his kick drum and Fiona blew smoke at Matthew and he called her a bitch and it was all very unpleasant.
The crankiness continued. After practice me and Cybil went to Scamp’s for frozen yogurt and Cybil said she hated Scamp’s because it was so yuppie even though she knew it was my favorite place. And then there were these long silences while we ate and the only thing I could think was she was nervous about the show. Or maybe she was sick of everything. The band, Hillside, me. And she knew I was going off to fancy Wellington and she hadn’t even filled out her stuff for the University of Oregon. But also I thought it might have to do with the Ecstasy night. How could it not? But I didn’t want to think about it and I guess I just wanted everything to be normal.
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The show was a really big deal because Mirage had a big song that was Top Forty and they had this great video that people kept telling me about but I had never seen because my stupid parents still hadn’t got cable. And tickets were sixteen dollars, which is the most Baker Theater ever costs. But it was a drag because the day of the show I got stuck babysitting Emily’s baby and then my mom made me go to the store and then we had to have dinner as a family and I hadn’t even called Cybil yet. But then Cybil called me and my mom answered and she said to tell Cybil we were eating. But I ignored her and took the phone into the other room and Cybil said they were already there and she was putting me on the guest list and I asked if Todd was there and she said, “He’s somewhere but I haven’t talked to him.” And I went back to the table and Emily asked me about the music scene and then she started telling me about “women’s music,” which sounded totally horrible.
Then I called Beth. It was totally spur of the moment and probably a mistake but I didn’t want to go by myself. And I put on my coolest miniskirt and tights and my favorite shirt and pinned my hair up and put chopsticks in it and black lipstick and snuck out of the house before anyone could see me. And when I picked up Beth her mom answered the door and Beth must have told her parents I was going to Wellington because her dad came right to the door and they were all excited to meet me and congratulate me and I guess they weren’t expecting me to have black lipstick. So that was really awkward and when Beth came down she was dressed in jeans and this preppie sweater but as soon as she saw me she said, “Oh!” and she ran back upstairs and she came back in black jeans and a T-shirt and her parents were like, “But Beth …” And she said, “We’re late, Mom, see you!”
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And really, Beth was being pretty cool about everything and she knew the whole Todd story and she could see how nervous I was. We got there and all these people were crowded at the door and I grabbed Beth and pushed to the front and the guy remembered me from The Sidewinders show and he let us through. Inside there were a million college students who were home for Christmas and everybody was in a good mood and obviously relieved to be away from their families and out with their friends. And we had just taken off our coats when the lights went down and this huge voice said, “Please give a warm holiday welcome to Portland’s own Sins of Our Fathers!”
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First Matthew came out and plugged in his stuff and then Fiona and then Greg got behind his drums and everything was ready. And then they started playing and Cybil came running out and I knew it was her because of how she ran but it didn’t look like her because she had that wig on. That sixties wig. From her mother’s attic. And also sunglasses. And she wobbled her head so the wig hair flopped around. And Beth was going wow and I looked around at other people to see if they noticed but why would they? They’d never seen Cybil before. She sang “Love Disease” but something was wrong with the sound because all you could hear was the guitar. And people didn’t seem that into it but I grabbed Beth and we ran to the front and danced around even though we were the only ones.
And then after only six songs they had to get off. But Cybil saw us dancing and she came to the edge of the stage and yelled to us to come backstage. Poor Beth. So we went around to the stage door and there was this scary security guard but Cybil told him to let us in. And just as we came down the hall, I saw Luke going into the Color Green dressing room. He was wearing leather pants and his hair was really long and scraggly and he looked like such a rock star. We went into Cybil’s dressing room and she took off the wig and her real hair was all sweaty and gross. And she asked me if I was going to talk to Todd and I said I didn’t know but I hoped so.
Then I was getting really nervous. So I bummed a cigarette from Fiona and stood in the doorway and watched down the hall for Todd. And the cigarette was making me sick but I kept smoking it and Beth stood with me and then the security guy knocked on the Color Green door and said, “Time to go!” The door opened and Luke and Todd had their guitars, and the other guys were different than the original guys, they looked older and more professional and like they’d taken more drugs. And they acted so important the way they walked and me and Beth flattened against the wall as they went by and Todd was behind Luke and he had his head down and his eyes on the floor and he didn’t even see us.
They went around the corner and then someone else came out of their dressing room and it was Carla. And she said, “Hey, you guys!” and Matthew must have heard her voice because he came running over and he was like, “What are you doing here?” We all looked at Carla to see how she would respond to Matthew but she just ignored him and got out a cigarette. And then he said, “I didn’t know you were here.” But she still ignored him and then there was a huge rumble through the walls and it was Color Green starting and we all ran down the hall to watch.
People were into Color Green. They clapped and yelled and somebody threw something at Luke. They started with this long jam thing and then Todd started singing but his voice sounded terrible. It was so raspy and hoarse it made you cringe to hear it. But they kept playing and then Todd sang “Girl” and Cybil nudged me and told me they wrote “Girl” for me and I said they didn’t because they were playing it before Todd even met me. Cybil said it still seemed like my song, to her, and I said it was probably for Carla but that didn’t make sense either because the girl in “Girl” was a generic suburban type. And I knew that for sure because I had read the lyric sheet.
And then during their encore me and Beth and Cybil snuck behind the stage and crouched on the steps behind the drummer. Luke and Todd were pounding their guitars and the crowd was headbanging and Cybil nudged me and said they were rock gods. And mostly I watched Todd but whenever he turned toward the drums I didn’t look at him because I was too embarrassed. And by the end his voice was so ragged he could hardly talk and Luke had to sing the last song. And then when they were done the drummer almost stepped on Cybil’s hand and he winked at us like he thought we were groupies.
After that Color Green went back into their room and closed the door. We went into the Sins’ dressing room and Matthew was arguing with Fiona and Greg was arguing with Matthew and everybody was cranky. And Carla was probably with Color Green and I had secretly expected to somehow see Todd but now I realized I might not. And then groupies Lisa and Vanessa showed up, don’t ask me how, they probably gave blowjobs to the security guard. And worse than that they weren’t looking for Color Green, they were scamming on Matthew. Fiona smoked some pot, which seemed to calm things down somewhat. And then Lisa started talking to Matthew, and Vanessa was acting so aloof and she wanted some of Fiona’s pot but Fiona wouldn’t give her any.
Then Mirage went on. The crowd went totally crazy, like way past what they did for Sins of Our Fathers or Color Green and it made you realize how people only cared about what they heard on the radio. They coul
dn’t tell which bands were good, they just liked what they were supposed to like. But me and Beth still went behind the stage to watch and Mirage had fog machines and cool lights and this synthesizer dance beat that was super fast and made the whole building shake. After a couple songs we went to find Cybil and we walked into her dressing room and there was Todd. By himself. And it was so weird because my first instinct was to hug him. But I couldn’t. He was untouchable. Then he asked me how I was doing and his voice was all scratchy and raw. I said I was doing fine and I said I didn’t think I was going to see him and he said why not? I said because he was getting so famous. He sort of frowned and looked at Beth and he looked so tired and sad I just grabbed him. I just gave him the biggest hug. And Beth left the room and we hugged and hugged and didn’t say anything because it seemed like talking would just wreck it.
Then he kissed me. And then he kicked the door closed and really kissed me. And then we went out to their van and it was so weird because we just fucked, it was just pure sex and we didn’t dare talk and it seemed like this was the end. And it didn’t last very long and after he came his head fell on my chest and his ears were really hot like maybe he had a fever. And I held his head and tried to get his penis out of me before the condom fell off. And then he woke up and we talked a little and he told me about the tour and the cities they’d played in and what the weather was like. And it was so sad because it was just small talk and his voice sounded terrible and it was probably just making it worse.
