Girl

by Blake Nelson

  When we left the van we were in this parking lot, surrounded by fences and barbed wire and floodlights shining down. And I tried to get my skirt straight and keep up with Todd, who was hurrying back because he didn’t have a coat. When we got inside Mirage had finished and Todd went into his dressing room and I followed him even though I didn’t really know if I was invited. Carla was there. And Luke and the other guys. And horrible Vanessa had found their drummer and she was hanging all over him and playing with his hair and he was feeling her butt right in front of everybody.

  And then Matthew came in and he was looking for Carla. But she wouldn’t talk to him and everybody stared at him and he asked her to come out in the hall. And Carla was really mean and she said, “What do you want?” Matthew was like, “I just want to talk to you for a second.” And then Luke told him that Carla didn’t want to talk to him and that he should leave. But Matthew said it was between him and Carla. And then Todd came over and Luke stepped right into Matthew’s face and just when they were about to fight, Carla said, “I don’t want to know you, I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t want to fuck you, does that answer your questions?” Matthew was totally faced. And when he left he bumped into Lisa, who was coming in, and she immediately went chasing after him like, “Matthew! Matthew!” and it was so true how Christmas turns everything into a horrible soap opera.

  So then I wanted to leave and I went over to Todd and kissed him on the cheek and told him it was nice to see him again. He said, “Yeah, it was.” Then I went back to Cybil’s dressing room and got Beth and we walked back through the theater, which was empty now except for the security people and all the broken cups and stuff laying on the floor. And looking around I felt this horrible finalness and Beth tried to smile at me and I couldn’t really look at her. But outside the theater everyone was hanging out and it was that same atmosphere as when we arrived, all the happy college students and the trendy high school kids and just everyone buzzing and talking and asking where the parties where. And me and Beth sort of paused on the steps to look at them all. And then these cute guys started talking to us and they invited us to a party but Beth had to go home so we left.

  Back at my house Emily and James were watching TV and drinking wine. They said to come sit down so I did and they were talking to me and trying to be nice but I just stared at the TV. I was thinking about lightning storms in Texas and snow in the Midwest and all the other places Todd had been. And this horrible ache was growing in my chest, not because I wanted Todd back, but because without him everything would be normal again and there’d be nothing to daydream about. And I wondered where he was, asleep in the van, maybe awake, driving back to Seattle with those horrible people, that horrible drummer and horrible Vanessa and what did he think about all those nights driving between cities? But Emily was asking me something and I finally had to answer her and then I excused myself and went up to my room. And I was so relieved to be alone I just sat on my bed and fiddled with a button on my coat sleeve. And when I took a deep breath my whole chest heaved with pain. So then I got undressed and shut my door and turned off the light. I got deep under the bed covers and curled up in a ball. Then I closed my eyes and let my chest fill up and my eyes fill up and then, very slowly, very gently, like making love, I started to cry for Todd Sparrow.

  35

  And then the holidays were over and it was January and dark and wet and the clouds were low over Sunset Park and everything was gray and depressing. I took Emily and James and the baby to the airport by myself and I wore my nice black dress and my normal pumps. And as we walked to the gate they were still talking about Wellington and I felt bad because they really did care about me and they really were excited about me going back east and I didn’t know anything about their life and honestly, I didn’t want to. I guess because I was young and they were married and stuck with their baby. And after they were gone I walked around the airport and went into the gift shop and this very handsome man was totally staring at me and I got some postcards and I was going to smile at him at the counter where he was buying The Washington Post but of course I chickened out. And then I went and sat by the window and wrote a postcard to Cybil pretending I was in New York City but I tore it up because maybe she wouldn’t think it was funny. Then I wrote one to Todd, just “Hi, how are you,” but also a little bit about how fun it was to see him and good luck with the band and don’t let them grind you to dust. I still had Tori’s address in my purse so I bought a stamp and mailed it before I lost my nerve. And then I felt energized and I got an espresso in the coffee shop and listened to the waitress complain to her friend about birth control pills and how they made your breasts swell.

  Back at Hillside everyone was gossiping about who got into college early decision and Amy Brubaker had not got into Berkeley where her dad even went so it was a total face on her. Richard Kirn got into MIT of course and Mitzi Berkowitz got into Stanford and that was about it so far. And then at Hillsider Nathan was freaking out over his applications. He did a total reversal from before and he wasn’t acting cocky at all and he even asked me if I thought he could get into Wellington. As if I had a clue. And Amy Brubaker tried to act like everything was perfectly okay but you could see in her face that her whole persona had a big crack in it now that Berkeley had turned her down. It was so obvious and scary that everyone was being extra nice to her, because she was another person who thought college was everything. And then people I barely knew started coming up to me and congratulating me about Wellington and even Darcy and Wendy Simpson stopped by my locker and they were being really nice and respectful and Wendy joked how she’d be lucky if she could get into Oregon State. But they didn’t seem too worried about it and Darcy was still going out with her Camden boyfriend and having intense sex. That’s what I had heard. And you could tell by the way she walked, how slinky and dreamy she was, that she was totally getting laid.

  · · ·

  And then me and Beth wrote an article about how our generation didn’t have any fashion ideas and how everyone picked an older generation for their look. Like people were either punk like the seventies or hippies like the sixties or nerds like the fifties and how there wasn’t really a now look and what did it mean? We got this sophomore boy named Henry to come downtown with us to K Club to take pictures. Eric was there and he was really nice and he invited us upstairs to his office and let us take pictures down at the crowd. And Henry was so amazed by K Club and asking me if I really hung out there and I was like, yeah, sometimes.

  So we had these great pictures to go with our retro fashion article and when it came out everybody loved it. And then Nathan wanted us to write a fashion column but Beth thought I should do it myself since I never wrote articles. So I said I would and I wrote my first column about how rich kids are always hippies and wear the most trashed clothes and always pretend they don’t have any money. People liked that too and there were letters to the editor, and Jim Dietz’s little sister, Mary, who was the biggest hippie and totally rich, wrote this long letter about how we were stereotyping people and it was this big controversy and Nathan loved it. And then Henry came up to me and said that Nathan had told him he was supposed to be my slave and go with me everywhere and take pictures of anything I told him to.

  But I think Cybil was my biggest fan. She cut out my articles and hung them in her locker and we were always cracking up how if you wrote the simplest, most obvious thing in the world people thought you were a genius. She had a lot of good ideas and we’d go to Taco Time or Arctic Circle and drink coffee and talk for hours. And I even tried to change it to “Andrea and Cybil’s Fashion Corner” but she said she was already famous and I helped her with her band image so she was paying me back.

  · · ·

  And I thought the thing with Henry was a joke but he called me on Thursday and wanted to know if we were going to K Club over the weekend. I wasn’t doing anything and Sins were playing in Olympia so I said sure. And then I got Beth to come so it wouldn’t be too weird. Eric w
as there and Party Hats were playing and it was only a medium-sized crowd. Henry took some pictures and I was sort of nervous he might bug people or embarrass us but it turned out he was totally sly and charming and people actually wanted to be in his pictures. Afterward we went for coffee at Zoso and all the trendy Metro Mall types were there and Henry took pictures of them too until the manager told him to stop.

  The pictures turned out great. So that week the column was just a whole page of pictures from K Club and Zoso. Everybody loved it. So then I thought maybe it should be “Andrea and Henry’s Fashion Corner” but Nathan said no because Henry was a sophomore and a slave and he wasn’t allowed to have any glory.

  And when I told Cybil about Henry she said she noticed him at the beginning of the year and we talked about how cute he was but what a drag he was only a sophomore. Cybil didn’t think that should stop me but I was like, “What if he’s a virgin?” She said maybe I could train him and I said, “Train him to do what? He’s already my slave.” And we weren’t the only ones noticing Henry because the next time I saw him he was in the parking lot with Bridget Cole, who was supposedly the most popular sophomore girl. And just the way Henry acted with her made you see how confident he was and after that I was sort of afraid of him. But then on Thursday he called me again and he was like, “Where are we going this weekend?” I didn’t know. I didn’t really feel like going to K Club again. And then he asked if I wanted to go to a party at Bridget Cole’s. I didn’t know that either, because Bridget Cole was totally popular and rich and her mother was a big socialite and was always in The Oregonian. But I couldn’t let Henry know I was afraid. And I was sort of curious. And I was going to Wellington. So I said okay.

  Henry drove and I wore jeans and a white button-down shirt with my hair up and dark lipstick and a cool black raincoat that was Cybil’s. Bridget’s house was in Weston Heights a couple houses down from where Renee Hatfield used to live before she went to San Diego State. It was a total mansion. And all the time I watched Henry and I knew he must be rich too because he didn’t even blink. And then the party was like all the most beautiful and rich people from Hillside and Camden and Bradley Day School. And there were people I recognized from Hillside who I never thought were that popular but I realized they just laid low at school and they were actually in with the elite crowd. And I tried to act normal but it was hard. Fortunately Henry was really nice and he got me a glass of wine and everyone was being very mature and talking and Peter Williams even played the grand piano. And then I was in the kitchen and Bridget Cole came up to me and she just launched into this thing about how she wanted to be like me, going to Wellington and writing fashion articles for Hillsider and also being so involved with creative people in the alternative scene and downtown and everything. And it was so weird because I didn’t have a clue what to say back and I just stared at her. And then I found Henry and stayed by him for a while but pretentious sophomore girls kept flirting with him. And I started thinking of excuses to have Henry not be my slave because he was obviously ten times cooler than me. I mean, where was I when I was his age? I was a total moron. I was still a total moron. And it was too embarrassing having a slave anyway and probably racist and thank God Bridget didn’t know about it or anyone else.

  · · ·

  But someone else did know about it. I was standing by the refrigerator and this weird Iranian guy came up to me and said he heard I was somebody’s master and what was that all about? I said it was just a joke and he said it sounded like an interesting joke and I tried not to be rude but he smelled like cologne and he was gross. And when I walked away he followed me and he said not many people were into that stuff. And I told him it was just a joke but then he grabbed my arm and I yanked it away and said, “I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t want to know you, I don’t want you grabbing me, does that answer your questions?” which didn’t really make sense. But it sure sounded good. And Bridget heard me and she immediately yelled at him and he tried to explain but she totally shouted him down and made him leave. And she apologized and got me some more wine and then she wanted to give me a tour of the house. So we walked around and she showed me all the bathrooms and stairs and everything but then we went in this den and sat on a couch and she looked right into my eyes and started asking me all these questions. Like what did I think about Senator So-and-So and what kind of name was “Marr” and did I think women were discriminated against in the arts? It was so strange. I mean, she was a sophomore. And I was like, yeah I guess so. After that we walked around some more and she saw some other people and she seemed relieved to talk to them and get away from me and I knew I had disappointed her.

  But then, back in the kitchen, all these girls told me how cool it was that I had faced Rasheed and what a sexist jerk he was. They were all talking at once and it seemed like they wanted me to be in their crowd now. The Weston Heights crowd. And I guess I wanted to be in it too. If for no other reason than to show people like Darcy and Wendy Simpson and Amy Brubaker that I could be popular. But even while everyone was being so nice I knew it would never work. And it was so weird because no matter how much you hate popular people, the minute they like you you like them right back. It was a terrible thing to find out about yourself and a terrible situation to be in and the more I smiled and laughed with everyone the more terrible I felt.

  Then Henry came and he wanted to go and I was saved. He even had my coat. We went to K Club and Eric was there and Henry checked out the band and I talked to Eric for a long time about Sins of Our Fathers. He told me he was their manager for exactly four days and then Matthew fired him because he wanted total control. And Eric made us tea and he was being so nice. And then Henry came up to change his film and when he left I asked Eric what was going on with him and Cybil. He said, “You tell me.” But I said I could never tell what Cybil was thinking and he said he couldn’t either and we just drank our tea and listened to the music downstairs.

  36

  And guess where Henry lived? Weston Heights. Three blocks down from Bridget and Renee Hatfield as a matter of fact. I found this out the next weekend when he invited me over to watch alternative videos on cable. His parents were upstairs and it was a difficult evening because I could tell Henry wanted to make out and I guess I did too but he wasn’t going to make the first move. He was still being my slave. I was the older woman and he was the young innocent and I had to start it. But I wouldn’t. I didn’t like being the older woman. And then his sister came home from some junior high dance and she was totally cute and funny and she sat in front of us on the floor and kept turning around to look at me and it was so embarrassing.

  Then Sins of Our Fathers got a record contract. It was Buzz Mitchell, the same guy Color Green was now suing. Matthew had arranged it and was trying to schedule the studio time to match Hillside’s spring vacation. It became a big joke and Buzz Mitchell told Rock City magazine in Seattle how his hot new band had to get notes from their moms to skip enough school to make their first record. And Cybil was so excited but also worried if she could do it because whenever Matthew tried to record at practices she always got nervous and screwed up.

  But then Matthew got it all figured out and it was really going to happen and they started practicing every night. And it was so weird because every morning Matthew and Betsy Warren were out in the parking lot doing bong hits and blasting their stereos and you’d think they were the biggest losers at Hillside except Betsy Warren got the second-highest SATs and Matthew was calling up lawyers at lunch hour to see if they would help him with the record contract.

  When the Hillsider office heard about Sins of Our Fathers going to Seattle to make a record everyone was totally buzzing about it. And whatever attention I had been getting lately shifted back to Cybil, and now Nathan wanted to interview her and everyone criticized me because I wouldn’t convince Cybil to do it. Then Matthew agreed to do an interview but only if they let him read it and change anything he didn’t like but Nathan said that compromised his integrity
as a journalist so he wouldn’t do it.

  · · ·

  And me and Henry went out sometimes and went to movies or to K Club. And every time I saw Eric he asked about Cybil and I told him about the record deal and he seemed happy for her. Then one night I took Henry to a practice at Matthew’s house but they were doing one little drum part over and over and Matthew was yelling at Greg and Cybil was reading a magazine and Fiona was chain-smoking so much you could barely breathe. So we left.

  And then on the first Saturday of spring vacation I went over to Cybil’s to help her pack. We sort of talked but not that much. And she was scared because she didn’t know if she’d be able to sing in a real recording studio. And then Greg’s station wagon came and Fiona’s smashed-up Toyota and I helped Cybil carry her stuff out. Greg jumped out to help and he was so excited he could barely contain himself. All their dreams were coming true. And Matthew yelled hi and Fiona honked and Cybil gave me a hug and got in and I waved and they all drove away.

  That night there was a big party at Beth’s and I went with Henry and I was telling everyone about Cybil and Color Green and how Todd had changed my life and I guess I was bragging because Amy Brubaker said, “Changed it to what?” Bridget Cole was there and I guess she wasn’t kidding about wanting to be on the paper because she was schmoozing all the Hillsider people. Everyone except me, who she seemed to be avoiding. And she was talking about what direction she would take Hillsider if she were the editor and getting people to agree with her and flattering Henry endlessly because she knew how popular he was with the older people. It was really amazing to watch her work. She said she would start as fashion editor as a junior and maybe try for editor-in-chief as a senior. And nobody said a word because they knew she would probably do it.