Only in My Arms

by Jo Goodman

  One corner of his mouth lifted slightly, acknowledging the irony and humor. He resumed eating while Mary collected the skillet from the stove, the crusty mixing bowl and dirty utensils, and began washing. She didn't hear him come up behind her, didn't know he was there until he slipped his plate into the dishwater. Surprised, she jumped a little. Before she could say that he had merely startled her, he was backing away as if he had been the one who'd been burned.

  "Don't worry," he said tersely. "I'm not going to touch you."

  Her forest green eyes regarded him curiously. "I didn't think you were. And I wouldn't jump if you did. You caught me unaware, that's all. I didn't know you were there. I'm not frightened of you."

  He was quiet, measuring the truth of her words. "Is it because you feel safe in that getup?"

  Her brows rose a fraction in reaction to hearing her habit described as a "getup." Her tone was patient but cool. "It's because I don't think you intend me any harm. You're Walker's friend, aren't you? Why would you want to hurt me?"

  "You weren't so confident back at the water hole."

  "Back at the... umm... the water hole I wasn't so confident you even knew Walker Caide." She turned her back on him and continued washing. "And, yes," she added softly, with almost pained honesty, "perhaps some of it has to do with my getup."

  Then it had nothing to do with him, he thought, wondering if he could believe her. Nothing to do with his sun-bronzed skin, straight inky hair, or the gun belt he wore low on his hips. Ryder reached in the pocket of his jeans and pulled out an envelope. It was wrinkled and dog-eared. There were a few smudged fingerprints on the back. He opened it carefully and took out the contents. The letter was two pages long, front and back. It had been handled with more care than the envelope. He held it out to Mary.

  "You don't have to prove anything to me," she said.

  "Take it."

  Mary pulled her hands out of the water, shook them off, and wiped them on a towel. She took the letter Ryder held in front of her. "This isn't necessary."

  "Read it."

  She had only taken note of Walker's handwriting once before, at the occasion of her sister's wedding when he'd signed his name to the marriage papers. Mary quickly turned the pages, and her eyes flickered to his signature. She would recognize the scrawled and sweeping lines of his "W" anywhere. Having established the letter was really from her brother-in-law, Mary went back to the beginning and read it through carefully.

  Most of the letter was about Skye, about the hasty marriage, and the circumstances that had brought Walker to the Granville mansion. There was anecdotal information about Skye's family and descriptions which brought a smile to Mary's lips. Walker certainly had them all dead to rights. The letter concluded with an invitation for Ryder to visit Walker and Skye whenever he wanted. "Walker didn't know yet about his assignment to China," she said, returning the letter to Ryder. "He's been there and back and gone again."

  "He didn't know when I would take him up on it," Ryder replied. "I haven't been much good about writing back myself."

  "It was a rather nonspecific invitation."

  "He meant it."

  "I know that. Walker didn't make the offer to be polite. That certainly isn't his way." Mary was able to see the envelope clearly as Ryder replaced Walker's letter. "Is that where you came from?" she asked somewhat incredulously. "Fort Preston in the Arizona Territory?"

  "That's where I was when I got the letter. I came from Fort Apache."

  "You traveled over most of the country to see Walker without ever thinking to check if he was here?"

  "There's no need to be scornful," he said evenly. "Or have I given you the impression I'm a stupid man?"

  No, she thought, that wasn't her impression at all. "Quite the opposite," she said.

  He folded the envelope and put it away. There was a gravity to his voice that hadn't been there before. "I came East to pay my respects to a teacher who died recently. I missed the funeral the military gave him, but I spoke to his widow and made my peace. That was what was important to me."

  Mary saw that it was. The cleanly defined lines of his face were still impassive, but there was a certain solemnness about his eyes. "An instructor at West Point?" she asked, beginning to piece things together in her own mind.

  He nodded. "General Augustus Sampson Thorn."

  It was an impressive sounding name but one with which Mary was unfamiliar. "I don't believe I know of him."

  "A veteran of battles at Shiloh and Manassas and some of the early Western campaigns against the Cheyenne. It's all right," he added when she continued to shake her head slowly in nonrecognition. "He would have rather been remembered for his career as a teacher."

  "What was his subject?"

  "Mathematics."

  Once again she was disconcerted by his ability to surprise her. "This was a subject you liked?"

  "Very much so."

  "I see," she said, wondering what to make of him.

  He almost smiled then. "No," he said. "You don't see at all."

  Mary noted that he didn't seem bothered by the fact, which meant that he didn't care for her opinion one way or the other. She supposed that was as it should be. They were virtual strangers in spite of a common acquaintance and a perfunctory exchange of names.

  Mary finished up the last of the dishes while Ryder stood by. "When do you have to return to the Fort?" she asked.

  "I'm not going back to Fort Apache. I have a new assignment."

  "Here in the East?"

  "No." Was that disappointment he glimpsed? Relief? "In the Southwest Territory."

  "You're regular Army?"

  In Ryder's opinion there was nothing regular about the Army. "More or less," he said. "I scout for them."

  Mary Francis Dennehy's laughter was not for the fainthearted. It exploded from her like a burst of Gatling gunfire. It was loud and raucous, yet wonderfully lively and infectious. The features that could be solemn and serene under the most trying circumstances became animated and mobile. Her eyes crinkled, her nose wrinkled, her generous mouth split widely, and she flushed from the hollow of her throat to her scalp. Her family appreciated it. Little Sisters of the Poor made allowances for it. Mother Superior suffered it. And Bishop Colden prayed it would never happen during his mass.

  Ryder McKay took a step backward and stared mutely.

  "Oh," she said, trying to catch her breath. "Oh, I'm sorry. No, I'm not. Not really. Oh." Mary felt another burst of laughter rising in her, and she fought to stifle it. Brushing at the tears that had gathered at the corners of her luminous eyes, she held her breath as if she had hiccups. "But it's so funny, don't you think? You... an Army scout... lost on your way to... to..."

  "To Walker's," he finished without any hint of humor. "It was amusing when I realized it. It's humiliating when you do."

  That cut her laughter short. "Oh, I didn't mean..." Her voice trailed off when she saw his eyes were not so sober as they had been a moment earlier. He was teasing her, she realized. She dabbed at her eyes again. "I wouldn't mention this to anyone," she said.

  "I think I said that earlier," he reminded her.

  "So you did." She picked up a dishtowel, but he took it out of her hands and dried things himself. She leaned against the sink and watched him and wondered why he was here now, why he had lost his way, and what it meant. "There's a sign at the fork in the road," she told him. "Walker's place is clearly marked."

  "There was no sign," Ryder said.

  Yes, she thought, there was a sign, but it was one meant for her, not for Ryder McKay.

  * * *

  It was after midnight when Mary left the summerhouse and retraced her steps back to the pool. The night was cloudless.

  Star shine and a first quarter moonlighted her path. Mary hadn't even considered carrying a lantern. She had found her way unerringly to the pool on much darker nights. This evening presented no problem.

  Wearing only her white cotton shift, she was like a wraith as she cross
ed the field of wildflowers. She padded silently where the grasses had been beaten down. The earth was cool on her bare feet as she wended her way over the hillside, and in the forest, the bed of fallen pine needles was soft. At the edge of the clearing, she paused as she had on so many occasions, as she had earlier this morning. This place was a sanctuary to her, a place of peace and worship, and she gave thanks for it now.

  Stepping forward to the natural stone stairway, Mary pushed the wide straps of her shift to each side of her shoulders and let the fabric glide against her skin like a caress. She stepped out of the puddle of material and unhesitatingly launched herself into the pool.

  From his perch on the far side of the water hole Ryder McKay watched the graceful, supple arc of Mary's body as it slid almost soundlessly into the inky depths. He should leave, he told himself, because she valued this place for its solitude. For the second time he was the trespasser, and for the second time he had failed to make his presence known. The thought came to him again that he should leave, but Mary surfaced then and raised her arms, stretching, and moonlight limned the slender length of them, and Ryder stopped thinking about what he should do and considered instead what he would do.

  * * *

  Mary turned on her back and floated with little effort, kicking her feet just enough to keep her on the surface. The water was warmer than the air, and her skin prickled and her nipples hardened. She ducked backward into the water, warming herself all over until she completed a circle and surfaced again. She could see her own breath like mist in the air... or cigar smoke.

  She smiled. Now why had she told Ryder McKay that story? Or any of the others during the afternoon and into the evening? He had wanted to be on his way after breakfast since there was no chance of seeing Walker, but she'd pressed him into helping her with a few of the heavier chores around the house. He hadn't seemed to mind, she reflected, and he was the one who offered to finish painting the porch rails after lunch. Neither of them mentioned dinner, but it seemed natural somehow that he should stay, and then they sat on the swing at the front of the house and time slipped away. She was the one who realized he was missing his opportunity to get out of Baileyboro, yet she hadn't said anything about the train schedule. It seemed only right that she offer him one of the summer home's five bedrooms for the night.

  She hadn't thought about not being able to sleep while he was in the house, while his bedroom was across the hall from hers. She was tired when she bid him good night; she hadn't expected to toss and turn and wonder if Ryder was finding his own bed comfortable. After thirty minutes she had risen and gone to the window seat. She had tried to read, but the star shine on the field outside her window was more intriguing. The path to the pool unwound through the field like a dark grosgrain ribbon. Even though she sat at the window for another half hour she knew where she'd find a measure of tranquility.

  Only it wasn't the same now, and she knew better than to blame Ryder McKay. His intrusion wasn't the problem. That rested within her. There could be no measure of peace anywhere if she didn't find it first in her heart.

  It came without warning: the ineffable sadness that was so much a part of her life of late. The weight of it lay heavily on her chest, crushing it. Each breath was labored. The movement of her arms became listless and leaden. Mary was too experienced with the sensation now to fight it. She gave in and allowed herself to slip beneath the surface where her tears could mingle with the water.

  * * *

  Ryder raised himself up slightly, anxious now for Mary to resurface. He counted the seconds and wondered how long she could possibly hold her breath. He was on the point of diving for her when she came up and headed for the bank.

  In the stillness of the night he could clearly hear her pained gasps for air, and it was only by slow degrees that he realized the rhythm was wrong, that what he was hearing were really Mary's anguished sobs. He came to his feet, intent on leaving now. Whatever was pulling at Mary's heart was between her and her God, he thought. It wasn't about him. He had no place in it.

  Still, he found himself walking the perimeter of the water hole and coming to stand beside her prostrated body. He scooped up her shift and crouched beside her. "Put this on," he said softly. And when she couldn't quite manage it herself, he helped her.

  After that it seemed the most natural thing in the world to take her in his arms.

  Chapter 2

  September 1884, New York City

  Mary went home to write the letters. The convent in Queens was not the place where she could put her thoughts to paper this time. Although the convent had been her home since she was seventeen—just a month more than thirteen years—Sister Mary Francis needed to go to the place of her youth.

  The mansion on the corner of 50th and Broadway was a palatial affair. John MacKenzie Worth had had it built when he'd recognized the populace of Manhattan was moving north. Central Park was mostly farmland when they first moved in. In the beginning their house sat alone on a street that, though it later became a thoroughfare in the heart of the city, was then a muddy tract in the hinterlands.

  The gray stone home was large and solid, built to accommodate Jay Mac's mistress and his five bastard Marys. There was a lot of gossip among society's upper crust when Jay Mac's plan was first revealed and still more during the residence's construction. After all, matrons tittered, Jay Mac and his wife lived not far from the planned site. How could he do this to Nina? How would that woman hold her head up? Only Nina's death finally silenced the gossips on that subject.

  On another front, one closer to his heart, Jay Mac heard from Moira that she really didn't want to leave the flat where she had been living with her daughters. True, they were cramped, and Mary was old enough to deserve her own room, but it was hardly a squalid setting.

  John MacKenzie Worth had not become one of a dozen of the most powerful and influential men in the nation by listening to what everyone else said. The construction went ahead.

  Now, as Mary Dennehy came to stand in front of the spiked iron fence that bordered the property, she appreciated her father's decision as she had never done before.

  She pushed at the gate and it swung open easily on well-oiled hinges. Mr. Cavanaugh's work, Mary thought. Their groundskeeper worked hard to present the house in its best light. The shrubs were carefully manicured, the rosebushes pruned lovingly. Now that it was fall, marigolds and hardy mums followed the perimeter of the house and touched it with a deep, rich rainbow of autumn's finest colors.

  Mary let the gate swing closed behind her and paused briefly before starting up the walk. She drew a calming breath to order her mind because she recognized that the serene and stoic presentation of the house was not what one necessarily encountered inside.

  A maid she didn't recognize greeted her at the door and took her shawl. "Where's Mrs. Cavanaugh?" Mary asked. The groundskeeper had a perfect counterpart in his wife, who oversaw all of the inside work. Mrs. Cavanaugh had been with Moira Dennehy and her children since they'd moved from the flat to the palace.

  "M'name's Peggy Bryant, Sister," she said, making a little curtsy. "Mrs. Cavanaugh's having a row with the butcher this morning. Something about being charged twice for lamb chops that weren't worth their price once."

  Mary smiled. It had been disconcerting not to see a familiar, loved face immediately, but Peggy's story was pure Mrs. Cavanaugh. She loved to haggle with the green grocer, the butcher, the flower vendor, and the milkman. She watched every one of Jay Mac's household accounts as closely as she watched the stock market. In her mind the two were related. The housekeeper supposed that whatever she could save on the front end would be returned to her twofold through her stocks at Northeast Rail. Jay Mac tried to explain once that it didn't work that way, but there was no telling Mrs. Cavanaugh anything once she had made up her mind. To Mary's way of thinking that trait went a long way to making Mrs. Cavanaugh one of the family.

  "Your mother's gone shopping," Peggy offered. "I don't think she expected you before t
ea."

  Mary did not let her relief show. The cornet of her habit continued to frame delicate, serenely untroubled features. "And Jay Mac's at his office?"

  Peggy nodded, and several strands of dark hair slipped from beneath her dainty, starched cap. She quickly tucked them back. "Since early this morning, Sister."

  "I'm just Mary here."

  Peggy's hazel eyes were skeptical as they took in Mary's habit from head to toe. "That will take some getting used to," she said uncertainly. "I was raised by the Sisters at St. Stephen's. They weren't likely to ask me to call them by their given names."

  Mary saw Peggy glance upward as if she were expecting lightning to strike. She said dryly, "In my experience, Peggy, our Lord uses more subtle means—at least before tea."

  Peggy's eyes widened so the whites were completely visible around her hazel irises. "Oh my, you're just like they said you were."

  Mary didn't ask who "they" were or what "they" said. Clearly the newest member of the staff had had her head filled with tales. "I'd like to use my old room," she told Peggy.

  "That's fine, Sister... I mean..." Her voice trailed off as she tried to correct herself. "I just finished cleaning it. Mrs. Cavanaugh said you might want to have a lie-down there."

  "Thank you, Peggy." When the girl started to precede her up the stairs, Mary laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. "It's not necessary. I think I know my way."

  Peggy flushed. "Very good." She made another small bob and hurried down the hall.

  Mary's room was much the way she had left it thirteen years earlier. Dolls from her childhood crowded the overstuffed chair by the fireplace. Photographs of her and her sisters as young hoydens took most of the space on the mantel. Her collection of small glass figurines was still on one corner of her vanity. An ivory-handled mirror, a gift for her sixteenth birthday, still lay on the other corner, her initials worked carefully into the pattern of roses on the reverse side. Two brushes, both made of boar's bristles and imported from London, lay beside the mirror. The small cedar box beside them held ribbons and tortoiseshell combs.