Diva

by Alex Flinn

  But all my life, she’s never dated anyone like Arnold.

  “Next Monday,” Miss Davis announces after an intense hour of pretending we’re trees, “we will hold auditions for our first performance of the year. It will be a revue with a theme of Welcome to New York.”

  Sylvanie already has her hand up. “Will new people have a chance, or will you all just be rewarding the seniors for the time they’ve put in?”

  “We’ve chosen the revue format to showcase as many students as possible. Those not chosen to perform individually will participate in the group numbers.”

  Group numbers. Which presumably means—gulp!—dancing.

  I raise my hand. “Do we have to do the group numbers if we don’t get a solo?”

  Miss Davis nods. “Everyone will want to participate in the group numbers to gain experience. Remember, there are no small parts—only small actors.”

  Okay. I look like a diva who doesn’t want a small part. There’s no way for me to turn back the too-swift hands of time and explain what I meant. I’m stuck with it.

  Oh, well. No solo for me. Hopefully, they’ll let me dance in back.

  I’m in the bathroom between classes, when I hear a voice through the stall door.

  “What are you planning for auditions?”

  It sounds like Misty. But since Misty’s never actually spoken to me, except to rag on my dancing, it’s hard to be sure. Two girls are practicing a scene from The Crucible in the other two stalls (I’ve gotten used to the fact that people do plays at all times here, so when the first girl screamed, “Yellow bird!” I didn’t flinch). She must be talking to them. I go back to what I was doing.

  “Hey, Caitlin, you in there?” Misty bangs on the door of my stall.

  I flush and come out. “Don’t know. Something classical. Or maybe what I did for my audition—this song from Phantom.”

  Misty sits on the bathroom counter, and spits on her eye makeup brush to get it wet. Mom would be soooo appalled. I’ve heard Misty sing by now, and she has one of those breathy soprano voices chorus teachers love because they blend (I don’t blend) but she’s not hugely talented. Just okay.

  “How about you?” I say.

  Misty’s wrinkling her nose so bad I think it’s an allergic reaction to the makeup. “I don’t know, Cait. Do you really think you should?”

  Cait? “Why not?”

  She shrugs. “Well, you probably know best.”

  “No. Tell me what you mean.”

  “Oh, I don’t know. I was in this program where they took a bunch of us to Broadway shows.” She takes out a blue eyeliner pencil and turns her eyelid inside out to draw a line under her eye. “And all the revues were pretty jazzy. I just don’t know if that longhair opera stuff will fly. You know?”

  “I don’t know.” I totally do know, actually. I was wondering about it myself.

  “I mean,” Misty continues, “we understand music like that. But do the vulgar masses? Maybe people here would be more interested in hanging with you if you didn’t always do stuff like that, act like you’re better than them.”

  She’s right. I rocked in class the other day, but I still feel like I’m a different species. Before I can think of an answer, she finishes her other eye, looks at her watch, and says, “Oh, gotta go to class.”

  She hurries off, and I head in the opposite direction.

  CHAPTER 14

  I hear Mom’s key in the lock, and for the first time in—ohhhhh, my whole life maybe, I run to see her. I want to tell her Gigi’s theory, so she can dump this loser. “Hey, Mom.”

  She’s dressed like her old self today—must have been a non-Arnold lunch. Denim micro-mini, pink platform sandals, and two toe-rings.

  “Hi, Caitlin. I’m in sort of a hurry.” She looks toward her bedroom.

  “Date with Arnold?”

  “Yes, I need to get ready. He’ll be here any—”

  “That’s what I want to talk to you about. Arnold takes you out on weekdays, but never Fridays. He calls at weird times. He never buys you dinner.” I’m talking faster now, picturing Gigi and her mom in the towel department. “Do you think maybe—”

  “He’s married, Caitlin.” She’s looking at her watch. “That’s why we can’t go out weekends. He has to be with his wife.”

  “But … you know he’s married.”

  “Of course. I’m not stupid. I know the warning signs. I read Dear Abby.”

  My mouth is so wide open I can feel air hitting my tonsils, my uvula, my lymph glands. “But … so how come you’re still dating him?”

  “Every man since your father was afraid of commitment. They had to concentrate on their careers or take care of a sick mother, or they were just too much man for any one woman. Arnold doesn’t have those hang-ups. He’s already made a commitment.”

  “Yeah. To someone else.”

  “Not really. If he was committed to her, he wouldn’t be seeing me.”

  “But…” Her reasoning is a tennis ball being whacked back and forth.

  “I’m not getting any younger, Caitlin. I want a husband before I’m old and fat. It hasn’t worked with single men. Maybe this will be better.”

  “But…” I still don’t feel capable of more than the one word.

  “Don’t you want the same things everyone else around here has? Your father sure isn’t providing them.” She looks at the door again. “Besides, he’s really a sweet man.”

  Okay. Now I have words. “He’s a scumbag who’s cheating on his wife.”

  She shakes her head. “You don’t know what it’s like. Sometimes you can be really lonely, even when you’re married to someone.” She picks up her purse, a black one with little dogs all over it. “Look, I need to get ready. He’s coming soon.” She starts toward her bedroom.

  “But Mom…” I’m about to say she obviously hasn’t read the same Dear Abby columns I’ve read, the ones that say married guys will just go back to their wives. Or the ones that say mothers should set a good example for their daughters, for that matter.

  “Yes?”

  I shake my head. “Nothing.” I can’t say that stuff to her. It would be like calling her a slut. But I can’t believe that. I’d rather believe she’s just stupid, like Brianna Owens in the luggage rack of the bus. Maybe sluts are really just stupid girls who want love. “Just wondered if you went shopping.”

  “There’s some Healthy Choice in the fridge.” She starts to leave the room.

  I say, “Can I take the car? I want to buy some salad stuff.”

  “Sure.” She fumbles in her purse, then tosses me the keys. “That’s a good idea. It looks like you’ve put on some weight since you started this new school.”

  I take the keys and drive myself to KFC. I can’t believe she’s dating someone who is married. On purpose. It’s just so … wrong. On the way there, I see Nick’s car at the French bakery again. I think about going in. Would it really be so bad? He’s in counseling. But I remember what my therapist said. She said once a vase is broken, you can’t fix it, not really, and that’s what it’s like with relationships too. So I ride on.

  * * *

  Opera_Grrrl’s Online Journal

  * * *

  Subject: Bart Simpson

  Date: September 16

  Time: 6:15 p.m.

  Listening 2: Cast recording of Hairspray

  Feeling: Confused

  Weight: 117 lbs.

  I’ve given myself one of those assignments Bart Simpson gets at school, where his teacher makes him write something 50 times so he won’t do it again. Here goes:

  I will not think of Nick. I will not think of Nick. I will not think of Nick. I will not think of Nick. I will not think of Nick. I will not think of Nick. I will not think of Nick. I will not think of Nick. I will not think of Nick. I will not think of Nick. I will not think of Nick. I will not think of Nick.

  Iwillnotthinkofnickiwillnotthinkofnickiwillnotthinkofnick

  iwillnotthinkofnickwillnotthinkofnickiwillnotth
inkofnick

  iwillnotthinkofnickwillnotthinkofnickiwillnotthinkofnick

  iwillnotthinkofnickwillnotthinkofnickiwillnotthinkofnick

  iwillnotthinkofnickwillnotthinkofnickiwillnotthinkofnick

  iwillnotthinkofnickwillnotthinkofnickiwillnotthinkofnick

  iwillnotthinkofnickwillnotthinkofnickiwillnotthinkofnick

  iwillnotthinkofnickwillnotthinkofnickiwillnotthinkofnick

  iwillnotthinkofnickwillnotthinkofnickiwillnotthinkofnick

  iwillnotthinkofnickwillnotthinkofnickiwillnotthinkofnick

  iwillnotthinkofnickwillnotthinkofnickiwillnotthinkofnick.

  Doesn’t work for Bart either.

  * * *

  CHAPTER 15

  So what are you thinking of doing for auditions?” Rowena asks at my voice lesson Saturday. “Phantom?”

  “I’m tired of that.”

  Rowena raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t say anything. “How about this then?” She points to the Mozart piece I’ve been practicing.

  I shake my head. “I was thinking of this.” I take out the vocal selections from Hairspray, a rock opera on Broadway based on an old cult movie.

  Rowena looks doubtful. “I have to say, this doesn’t completely sound like you.” Fred the cat jumps onto the keyboard and glares at my music.

  “The girl in this song has a weight problem,” I say. “Besides, I want to change my image.” I pet Fred’s head.

  “Interesting. You know, I was talking to Ms. Wolfe about you the other day.”

  “Let me guess—she thinks I should change my major to dance.”

  I don’t even get a smile from her. “Actually, she was wondering if perhaps you’d be more comfortable in regular music, instead of musical theater.”

  “Oh.” I get it. So I wouldn’t have to take Dance. Or Drama. Or hang with people who can just improvise armpit songs, because I’m a one-note wonder, not a triple threat. Got it. “But you recommended musical theater. You said if I wanted to do opera, I should learn all that stuff—acting and movement—to perform onstage.”

  “Well, it’s certainly nice when an opera singer knows those things. But on the other hand, lots of singers are—”

  “Big fat blobs who have to be wheeled across the stage on a handtruck?”

  “I didn’t say that.” Rowena stops petting Fred, who looks at her reproachfully. “And you could never be that anyway.”

  “I was that.”

  “You were … chubby. In any case, I told her not to write you off so quickly in dance. I said I thought you were a young woman who could do anything she set her mind to—including dance.”

  I do Rowena’s visualization exercise. I visualize myself dancing, flying across the stage, or part of a kick-line like a stupid Rockette.

  It doesn’t completely work.

  “Do you think I can do it?” I mean the program, not just this song.

  “I think sometimes it’s good to go outside your comfort zone. On the other hand, I hate to see you lose track of who you are, just for the sake of trying to fit in,” Rowena says.

  “That’s not what I’m doing. I just thought I’d like to try something different … for fun.”

  “Okay.” Rowena reaches for the Hairspray music. “Well try it and see how it goes. For fun.”

  CHAPTER 16

  Are you sure?” Gigi squints at me, a lot like Fred the cat, while we’re waiting to audition.

  “Positive. My mom thought it was great.”

  “Like that’s relevant.”

  Actually, what my mother—to whom I’m not currently speaking since the Arnold conversation—said was that the song I’d chosen was “a lot quieter than your usual stuff.”

  Gigi looks around at the growing group in the auditorium. “Rowena probably has copies of your regular music—I mean, if you change your mind at the last minute.”

  “I’m not changing my mind. Why do you care so much what I sing?”

  “You’re good at the opera stuff, Cait. Besides, I want you to get picked for the show because when—if—I get picked, we can go to practice together.”

  I look at her. Her hair’s still pink, and if any of my old friends met her, they wouldn’t understand why I hang with her. But I have this big urge to hug her. Instead, I say, “Don’t worry. Maybe I’ll surprise you.”

  “Hope so.”

  The accompanist starts playing the opening bars of “Good Morning, Baltimore.” I may puke. I may actually puke right here, in front of a roomful of people. What is wrong with me? What was I thinking? I want to run. Hide, even.

  But I start the first lines:

  Oh, oh, oh, woke up today

  Feeling the way I always do.

  Oh, oh, oh, hungry for something that I can’t eat

  Then I hear the beat.

  I look at the faces in the audience. They’re frozen in fake smiles, sort of like in that one Batman movie when the Joker put chemicals in people’s makeup that made them all look like him.

  For the first time, I realize that:

  1. The song requires a Broadway-belt voice, which I don’t have.

  2. The song requires me to move around (i.e., dance).

  3. The girl who sang the song on Broadway was obese, wearing a bad wig and a hilarious costume. And, even though I feel that way sometimes, I don’t actually weigh three hundred pounds.

  I stare out at the audience—the people I’ve been trying soooo hard to impress the past few weeks—and for a minute, I wish I was really fat or ugly because that would give me a place to hide. They wouldn’t laugh at me for being stupid and untalented then. They’d just ignore me like people ignore fatgirls. Being heavy makes it so much easier to sink through the floor.

  I make an attempt at moving my feet and see Gigi bury her face in her hand.

  I am such an idiot.

  When I sit down, Gigi says, too quickly, “It wasn’t that bad. It was good.”

  “Wow, I must have really sucked if you’re lying to me like this.”

  Gigi shrugs. “It’s over.”

  Behind me, Rex says, “I liked when you sang that opera thing better. You rocked at that.”

  I turn to look at him. I can’t believe he said that. I can’t believe anyone thought I rocked at anything.

  “Yeah, I thought you did better with the opera too,” another voice says.

  It’s Misty, sitting by Sean, her arm locked in his. That’s when I realize she tricked me. She talked me into singing something I’d look stupid singing, so I wouldn’t be any competition for her. She must have thought I rocked at opera too.

  I start to say something, but then I accept: I only have myself to blame.

  * * *

  Opera_Grrrl’s Online Journal

  * * *

  Subject: Unsurprisingly

  Date: September 21

  Time: 7:00 p.m.

  Listening 2: Mad scene from Anna Bolena

  Feeling: Miserable

  Weight: 117 lbs. (and eating more cookies as I type this)

  Don’t ask, OK? OK, I tanked. They could go 2 battle w/how bad I tanked. The problem is, everything I sing sounds like opera. And when you sing rock w/an opera girl voice it’s ....... comical.

  The upside: I’ll have a lot of free time since I’m not in the show. I can work on .... um, my relationship w/Mom. Oh, and she’ll be happy. She was already talking about rehearsals being 2 late before I even started @ the school.

  The other upside: Misty wasn’t very good either.

  Gigi rocked, of course. I tried 2 look happy for her, but I kept thinking about what she said about wanting both of us 2 make it. She’ll probably find other friends now that I’m not in the show.

  Mom’s out on a date w/her married boyfriend, Arnold. She started bringing him home sometimes, but he always leaves by 10. Bet he tells his wife he’s working late and she feels bad he has 2 work so hard. Boo-hoo. Wonder if he has kids.

  * * *

  CHAPTER 17

  Do you have kids?”


  The question must surprise Arnold because his eyes don’t immediately head for my chest, the way they usually do. But I’m wearing a sweatshirt.

  “Oh … Cathy … I was just leaving. I thought you were in the house.”

  “I was getting something from the car.” Actually, I’ve been waiting for him for the past half hour. But he didn’t hear me go outside because he was busy at the time. (“Yeah. Getting busy,” Gigi would say.) “So, do you?”

  “Do I what?”

  “Have kids?”

  “Oh.” Arnold still doesn’t look at me. “No. I mean, I did, but they…”

  “Died?”

  He laughs. “No. They grew up. My daughter Alicia’s at U.F. She’s studying to be a music teacher. And my other daughter Melanie is in med school.”

  He looks at his car parked at the end of our driveway, probably trying to figure the odds if he made a run for it. He doesn’t say any of the usual things adults say when they talk about their kids—like how his daughter would like me because we’re both into music. He probably doesn’t expect us to ever meet. The way I figure it is, best-case scenario, I end up with two steps who hate me because my evil mom stole their dad. Worst-case scenario: Mom gets dumped. Or maybe it’ll be the other way around.

  Arnold looks at his watch, then at the car again. “I have to go. It was nice talking to you, Cathy.”

  And he walks away—very quickly.

  “Not just married,” I tell Gigi the next day. “He has kids. Can you believe it?”

  “Who?” We’re standing in the hallway before school starts because Miss Davis said she’d put up the cast list this morning. Gigi’s here to see what she’s doing in the show. Me, I’m here for moral support. We’ve gotten a good spot near the front so people are pushing against us.