Kink Aware (Kiss of Leather Book 9)

by Morticia Knight

  Tucker straightened with a frown. “Hey, I wasn’t following you around. That was a total accident at Rage. I was shocked as shit when I saw you with that guy.” Tucker’s lip curled into a sneer at the mention of Ray.

  Cruella crossed their arms with a smirk. “Oh really? You expect me to believe you were hanging out in a gay bar? That’s rich.”

  Tucker lowered his gaze as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, see, that’s the thing. I’m not saying I’m gay or anything like that…but I thought maybe it would be all right to be with a gay guy after all, if, you know, they were as hot as you, more feminine, with the dresses and the makeup and shit. So, I looked on the Internet and Rage sounded like the type of place where I might find someone like that.”

  Cruella clenched and unclenched their fists, their stomach twisting in rage. Tucker appeared oblivious as he continued.

  “Then I saw you there and it brought back all those old feelings and I realized, I gotta have you back. I’m willing to go to a club like that with you too. I mean, fuck, you were so hot dancing that night.”

  Nausea quickly replaced anger at the thought of Tucker watching them with Ray.

  “And not only that, I’ll even let you hang out with your old friends once in a while. Whaddya say, huh? You’ll have a nice place to live, your bills would be paid and you won’t have to work in a shitty place like this anymore. Come on, sweetheart. You must be sick of trying to make it on your own by now. Let Tucker take care of his girl.”

  Tucker broke the shock Cruella had fallen into from hearing his delusional offer by advancing closer again. They held up their hands in a stopping motion.

  “First off, I’m not gay or a girl. I’m genderqueer, you clueless homophobe. But more importantly, I’m done explaining myself to anyone, but especially to you. Now get the fuck out of here and don’t make me have to file a restraining order on your ass. I’ve got better things to do with my time.”

  Tucker’s jaw went slack, his eyes widening. Not only had they never spoken to him that way—they’d never yelled at him either. When they’d gotten away from Tucker, it had been a clear moment of escape when he hadn’t been there to physically stop them. They’d left a note saying they were done, had taken a few belongings then changed their cell number. They’d never expected to have to confront him face to face.

  “Come on, sweetheart. Don’t be like that.”

  Right as Tucker reached over the counter to touch Cruella, the door opened, the bell chiming. At the same time, Neal was jogging down the stairs and before Cruella could suck in a breath to speak, Tucker was jerked back by his collar, stumbling as he almost fell.

  “Hey! What the fuck?”

  Cruella gasped. “Ray, no!”

  They’d barely gotten their words out when Ray whirled Tucker around then landed a solid punch on his jaw, sending him flying backward. He flailed his arms uselessly, then tumbled over the table that held all the tattoo design notebooks. The folders went one way and Tucker the other, before he landed on his ass. Ray lunged forward, but by that time both Neal and one of the customers had jumped him and were yanking him back, holding his arms as he struggled and yelled at Tucker.

  “Get the fuck out of here, you piece of shit! Don’t you ever touch them again!”

  Cruella covered their face with both hands and prayed that Liam had stayed upstairs and wasn’t being subjected to the craziness that had unfolded.

  “Because you think you can do better by them than me, huh? Not in a million years, bub. I won’t say what I really think about you out of respect for Cruella, but if she wasn’t here, I would in a heartbeat, you lowlife.”

  Cruella dropped their hands to glare at Tucker, who was not only tempting fate by smack-talking Ray, but was pushing up from the floor as if he was ready to keep the fight going.

  Ray tried to lunge forward again. “I’m sure you would, you bigot! It’s clear you don’t understand them at all.”

  Tucker kicked the upturned table out of the way. “They, them. Come on, give me a fucking break with that shit.”

  “Oh, I’ll give you a break, don’t worry.”

  I’ve had it. “Stop! Both of you just fucking stop!”

  The other customer from reception and the buddy he’d been waiting for got between Ray and Tucker, keeping them away from each other, while Neal spoke in Ray’s ear as he tugged him toward the stairs.

  Tucker turned to him, pleading with his eyes. “I’m sorry, okay? Maybe I can get used to all that politically correct stuff. I’m trying to meet you halfway here.”

  “Don’t you dare say another word to them, not one word!”

  Cruella whipped their head around and growled at Ray, “I said enough!” They glared at Tucker. “Out. The answer is no to anything you propose. I’m done. If I have to get a restraining order against you, I will. But I never want to see or hear from you again.”

  For a moment, Cruella was sure sorrow crossed Tucker’s features before he hardened his expression. He rubbed his jaw. “Then fuck you, bitch. Your loss.” Tucker shoved past the customers who were still in a protective stance then spit on the floor. He wrenched the door open. “Fuck all you losers!”

  Cruella let out a long exhale, still shaking from the combination of anger and fear. They put a hand to their forehead and made their way to the desk chair, then dropped onto it. As everyone cleared up the wreckage around them, they jumped when Ray laid a gentle hand on their shoulder.

  “Are you okay? I’m sorry things got so outta hand, but I thought he was going to do something to you.”

  Tears burned in Cruella’s eyes as they swallowed past a lump in their throat. They shook their head. “I need to think about this.”

  Ray squatted in front of them and tried to take their hands, but they yanked them away. “Uh, of course. You can wait in the breakroom, take a moment to gather your thoughts. Then as soon as I help Neal clean all this up, we can leave. We’ll talk about everything at my place.”

  Cruella shook their head again, struggling to keep their lip from trembling. “No. I’m not going with you. I need to spend some time alone.”

  Ray’s brow creased, a hint of panic in his eyes. “Sure. Can I give you a ride, though, so you’re not taking the bus?”

  “I’ll call Uber.”

  “Oh, man.” Ray bit his lip then reached into his jacket.

  “I swear to all that is holy, Ray. If you’re about to give me money for Uber, I will freak the fuck out.”

  Ray yanked his hand from his jacket so fast, it was like he’d been bitten by a snake. “Sorry. Uh, okay.” Ray rubbed his forehead and Cruella almost felt sorry for the guy. Almost. “Then, I’ll leave you to it and we can talk tomorrow. I work the night shift, but maybe we could meet for coffee before?”

  Cruella sighed. They were sad for Ray and sad for themself. “I don’t think you understand, baby. I’m hitting the pause button.”

  Ray jerked up his head, the panic clear this time. “W-what?”

  “I need to be alone, need time to think about everything without any distractions.” They placed their hands on Ray’s shoulders, their heart hurting for them both. “I’m not breaking up with you, baby. Not right now. But before we get in any deeper, I need to take a minute and consider whether we’re good for each other. Whether I can trust that you’ll be there for me without taking away my choices, answering for me or insisting you know what’s best for me.”

  “But—”

  “I’m not discussing this right now, Ray. If you can’t even respect that choice, then it’s clear we can’t continue.”

  Ray pressed his lips together, his eyes glistening. He nodded as he rose to his feet. “Okay. I’ll respect that.”

  Cruella attempted a smile, but was sure it appeared half-hearted. They gave Ray’s hand a quick squeeze before rising as well. “Take care of yourself, Ray.”

  “You too.”

  Ray’s voice had cracked, but Cruella refused to let his pain break their resolve to make a well-thou
ght-out decision for a change. Too often, they’d reacted without weighing the pros and cons. If they ever wanted to have an open and honest D/s relationship, they couldn’t accomplish it by being reactive.

  After stepping out onto the sidewalk and calling for a ride, they texted Liam.

  I need to talk with you tomorrow. Can we meet up before the shop opens?

  They typed in a smiley face and heart emoji to help temper the cryptic nature of the message. As they waited for Liam’s response, they hugged their coat to themself as the chill of a sudden breeze swirled around them. Not thinking about Ray was next to impossible when he was only a few feet away with nothing but a pane of glass separating them.

  I’ll never be able to think straight when all I’ll see when I’m at Rogue is Ray, when every little thing will remind me of how much I love him. Cruella sniffed. So much for my plan to tell Ray tonight.

  They held back tears at the realization that they might never have the chance at all.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Ray lay across his leather sofa, Xbox controller in hand, wondering whether to switch back to Netflix or continue playing Doom. He didn’t really give a shit either way. He took a long draw from the almost-empty beer bottle, wrinkling his nose when the remaining brew turned out to be lukewarm. He set it on the floor to join the other four he’d consumed throughout his long day off.

  In the week and a half since Cruella had told him they were taking a break, nothing had seemed to go right, not even the little things. Here he was with nothing to do on his day off except drink warm beer and try not to agonize over how he might have lost the person he loved. He wasn’t even sure if their decision to take a new job was helpful to his melancholy or not.

  When Neal had told him that Cruella had put in their two-week notice, the announcement had been like a gut punch. At the same time, seeing them every day but not being able to have them was just as bad.

  I’m so screwed.

  He also still hadn’t decided how pissed he was at Neal for paying Cruella for their final two weeks then not scheduling them. Not because Cruella didn’t deserve to have the money and the freedom, but because he hadn’t had the chance to say goodbye.

  Ray caught a sob in his throat, pressing the back of his hand to his lips in an effort to control the raging emotions that had been keeping him on the edge of becoming unhinged for days.

  It can’t be goodbye.

  They had said it was a pause, that they needed some time to think. That meant there was hope. He’d been holding on to that ever since, but had been so destroyed by what his stupid actions had wrought, he hadn’t been able to think straight. However, the time for wallowing was over. Cruella was moving on with their life and Ray was in limbo. He had to somehow prove to Cruella that he respected their ability to take care of themself and show them through his actions that he didn’t have to be the tough guy protector.

  A knock sounded at the door and he figured it was Neal. His buddy had promised to stop by after work to keep him company while Liam went with Chuck to a movie. As Ray rolled off the couch then rose to his feet to let Neal in, he noted how much more cognizant he’d become of who was who at Kiss of Leather. Ever since he and Cruella had begun to discuss exploring the lifestyle together, he’d been paying closer attention to Neal when he mentioned the club or members in passing.

  “Hey, bro. Come on in.” Ray stepped aside to let Neal by.

  Neal patted his shoulder as he went past. “Sorry I’m late. The new guy needed me to go over closing procedure with him one more time.”

  Ray groaned, scrubbing his face as he followed Neal into the living room. “I’m sorry, man. I shouldn’t have taken today off.”

  Neal dropped on the easy chair and snorted. “Come on, dude. This is your first day off in over a week. They guy has to do it on his own eventually.”

  Ray padded to the kitchen. “Beer?”

  “Sure. I can have one.”

  Ray pulled a bottle for him and one for Neal from the fridge then made his way back to the main area. “Yeah, I know. But this shit is all my fault. If you want, I can stop by the shop later to make sure everything’s okay.”

  Neal’s gaze darted to the pile of beer bottles next to the couch then back to him. “Uh, yeah. I don’t think so.”

  Ray considered the bottles himself. “Good point. It’s been over the course of the afternoon, but still…”

  After taking a swig from his beer, Neal placed it on the end table next to his chair. “Talk to me, dude. I’m not gonna sit here and pretend you’re not hurting. At this point, I think it would be wise to start preparing yourself for the possibility they might not want a relationship anymore.”

  Harsh. “I’ve considered that. But I don’t think we’re quite there yet. I don’t believe Cruella would leave me hanging, they’re not like that. They’d come to me and tell me it’s over.” Ray paused to keep his voice from cracking. “And that’s what I’m hanging on to. I believe there’s still hope because they didn’t tell me it was over yet.” He twisted the cap off the fresh bottle of beer. “So, I need to ask you something. You know, Dom and sub sort of stuff.”

  Neal drew his eyebrows together. “Had you guys discussed getting more involved with the lifestyle beyond the shibari classes?”

  His friend had been cool about not prying. Ray imagined it had to have been hard to hold back, since Neal had tried for years with no success to get him interested in BDSM.

  He scratched at the raised logo on the craft beer bottle with his thumbnail, feeling oddly shy in front of his longtime best friend. “Yeah, we’d begun talking about it.” He cleared his throat. “We actually, well, we signed a basic contract and had started playing a bit.”

  Ray peered up at his friend to gauge his reaction. Instead of shock, Ray was met with Neal’s wide smile.

  “Right on. So, you’re digging it then?”

  Ray sighed. “I was.”

  Neal pressed his lips together as he nodded. He seemed lost in thought and the silence stretched on. At last, Neal spoke. “Okay, I think I can guess what happened.” Neal leaned forward and clasped his hands in front of him. “One of the most difficult things I had to learn as a newbie Dom is not to get too carried away with the protective shit. You know, the ‘you’re mine, no one can touch you or even breathe in your presence, leave everything to me and I’ll take care of you’, that type of thing. It’s a delicate balance of learning what your sub’s needs are, tuning in to them and really hearing them—not just assuming you know best because you’re the Dom.”

  Heat filled Ray’s face. “Um…hold up. I should’ve been more clear. Actually, I’m not the Dom.” He cleared his throat. “Or in this case, the Dominant.”

  Neal’s jaw went slack. “Oh. Oh, man, sorry. See? Here I am thinking I know everything, and I don’t know shit.” He chuckled. “I’m not exactly setting a good example, am I? Again, I apologize for assuming Cruella would be the sub in a D/s relationship. I feel like an ass.”

  Ray rolled his eyes. “You might feel like one, but I am one, so there’s that.”

  Neal shook his head. “Come on, bro, let’s not go down that road.” He tugged on his goatee. “But…now that I know you’re the sub in the relationship, I have another idea of what might be the issue.”

  “Yeah… I might too.”

  “Awesome.” Neal grinned. “Then let’s talk about that.”

  Might as well throw myself under the bus. His pride had been dwindling every hour since he’d last seen Cruella. The only thing that mattered anymore was discovering the reason Cruella wasn’t sure about him and what he could do to encourage them to reverse their decision.

  “I’ve been trying to fix everything for them, even when they told me that wasn’t what they wanted. And mixed in with all that was us beginning a Dom/sub dynamic and, other than me wanting them to tie me up, I wasn’t being at all submissive.” Ray scratched his head. “Although I’m not so sure I understand what that means or how to demonstrate it with a
ctions.” He sighed. “To prove to them that I’m willing to do what it takes.”

  Neal inclined his head, staring at Ray as if he were a science project. Ray squirmed beneath his invasive gaze. Finally, he couldn’t stand it any longer.

  “What?”

  “Did you guys discuss anything other than sex for your contract? Anything that would give you an idea of what your submission would look like to them?”

  “Not so much for the contract, but they did…” Ray’s eyes widened. “Shit.” Cruella’s last comments before they left Rogue went through his mind. “That night when Tucker came to Rogue—”

  “The night you could’ve been arrested for assault? Is that the one you mean?”

  Ray frowned at Neal but his friend frowned right back. Ray averted his eyes and let out a resigned sigh.

  “Yeah, okay. I deserve that. But they said something to me that night about how I treated them as if they were helpless, that I felt I had to handle everything for them. And when we first discussed having a contract, they wondered if I would be too embarrassed to submit to them in front of others because, I don’t know, it would make me feel less masculine or something.” Ray bit his lip. “At least, that’s what I think they were getting at.”

  Neal scrubbed his face with both hands. “Come on, dude. Own it. Forget about the Dom/sub, BDSM contract stuff for a minute. Do you believe you should be the one to top them? That you should be the manly man, taking care of them, making sure everything’s all right in their world and they’re protected from all the potential evils that could befall them?”

  “Well… I don’t need to be the Top when we’re in bed.”

  Neal sucked in a breath. “I’m not talking about sex. In general, is that how you feel you need to be with them? Is that what you want, or is that what you think is expected judging from outside appearances? Which I totally failed, by the way. I’m just as at fault there too. I certainly made a wrong assumption.”

  Ray swallowed hard. “Yeah. They called me on being overly protective already, on trying to take things over for them. But what you just said…” Ray ran a hand over his head. “Fuck. The part where I’m not willing to let others see me submit to them—you nailed it there, buddy.” Ray regarded Neal, the ache in his chest more painful than ever. “I don’t know how to do that. What does Liam do? He, like, kneels for you or something? I gotta figure this out before I lose them for good.”