Diva Diaries

by Janine A. Morris

  Even though they were back together, Chrasey still felt lonely. She and Keith needed so much repairing. She wondered at times if it was too far gone, if there was no pot of the gold at the end of their rainbow. All she knew was she was still as she had been for the past couple of years—unhappy. She cried at least every other night, thinking about those nights that Keith was with Lourdes, and how he was there for their daughter’s birth. How he could experience that again, without her, just broke her heart, and she knew she could never love Keith the same. Still, she was going to stay married to him for all the right reasons: for their kids, their vows, and for the business side of it. She also knew that she was ready to call Trevor, because deep down, her soul was empty and she needed him.

  Jordan had finally spoken to Omar; she called him back later that same night when he had called. He said he had called to say hello and see how she was doing, but when he heard that her “best friend” was there, he didn’t want to interrupt. He was clearly back on the defensive. Jordan couldn’t understand why he was so determined to be so difficult—why didn’t he see that he was losing her right before his eyes? She tried to give him a hint so that at least he would know the truth, but he wasn’t getting it. She told him that things had changed between her and Jayon, and he said that didn’t surprise him. She also asked him how he would feel if she started seeing Jayon; he said he would be happy it was him and not somebody else. When they got off the phone that day, Jordan was shocked that Omar had acted so calm about the Jayon news. She was also hurt that he cared so little.

  Jordan knew something was strange about Omar’s calm response. The very next day Omar called back. He was flipping, yelling and saying how disrespectful it was. How could she even consider seeing Jayon? It was just what he had been saying all along. Jordan’s only response was that it wasn’t anything like that—things were just different. She also asked him what he’d expected. He’d left her all alone for months, and told her she was free to do what she wanted. She asked why it would be wrong if she chose the person closest to her. She told him that what was wrong and disrespectful was what he did; whatever she did out of necessity or as a reaction to what he did, he couldn’t argue with. Omar wasn’t even trying to hear her—his only message was if she got with Jayon, he would cut her off completely.

  Jordan had told Jay all that Omar said, and he said that he understood. Jay said of course he was upset. He tried to explain that even though Omar had been acting tough and like he didn’t care, he still cared about her. The last thing Omar wanted to hear was that she was dealing with Jayon. Little did he know—he was a day late and a dollar short. The good thing was, as long as he let his pride keep him from getting her back, the more justified Jordan was.

  Jordan, Dakota, and Chrasey had all been through enough in their lives that they knew that they would also overcome these obstacles. They were small, in theory. Chrasey was married fairly young and had years of financial struggle and stress, and she overcame that. Dakota had dealt with abusive relationships, abortions, and unfaithful men, and she overcame it all. Jordan juggled law school, being a mother and wife, and working full-time, and she overcame that. They may have been at the bottom of their games, but they knew soon they would rise above it all, and before they knew it they would be back in all their diva glory.

  68

  Two to Tango

  Dakota woke up and headed straight for the bathroom!

  The morning sickness had been kicking her butt all week, and the novelty of her pregnancy was starting to wear off. She had become real attached to the little belly on her body now, and the whole idea of motherhood had become the highlight of her life these days. However, every time she felt the icky feeling that caused her to throw up, she wished it was a few months earlier and she could do it all over again. After she washed out her mouth and cleaned her face, she dragged herself to the bed.

  She lay on the side of the bed, a little depressed once again. Tony hadn’t slept over in four nights, and it was mornings like these that she wished she’d done it the right way. She wished he was there to rub her stomach or console her through these sick mornings. But the reality was she had no claims on him, and she had no idea where he was. She spoke to him at night, but for all she knew, he was out there with his new victim. Lately he had been excited about the baby, it seemed, but not excited enough to propose or suggest moving in. So there she lay, feeling completely unsexy, nauseous and alone, and the only comfort she felt was knowing the little baby in her stomach would love her like no other.

  She had finally told David that she was pregnant—she didn’t know how he would take it, but she got tired of making excuses as to why he couldn’t come see her. When she told him, he was very quiet for a few moments, and, of course, the first question he asked was who the father was. She tried to explain who Tony had been in her life, and since David had a vague awareness of her and Tony’s relationship, he took her answer for what it was. David was no dummy, either; he knew Tony was a retired professional athlete, and the kind of life that they lead. He was probably asking himself why she would have a baby with him. There were days when even Dakota didn’t know.

  She thought it was very unfair that she and Tony had made this baby, but he was still free to go out and didn’t even have to acknowledge the baby. She would call him at times, and wasn’t able to get him. He would stop by, bring some food, and leave. It was like the pregnancy hadn’t changed much for him, but it changed everything for her. She started to doubt that the baby would make any difference between them; Tony probably still wouldn’t commit to her, nor would he stop living the fast life. Being pregnant made their relationship more depressing, because she couldn’t get with other men or go out on those nights when she knew Tony was with some other woman. It took both of them to make the baby—Dakota didn’t like one bit how it felt like she was in it all alone.

  Dakota was beginning to wonder if she had been wrong about what she imagined things would be like between the two of them now. She realized she must have been bugging to think it would change him. It only made it worse, because she actually needed him more now, but yet he was still pulling his m.i.a. tricks. She felt a little bit stupid, like those girls who she always thought were dumb for trying to trap their men. Although Dakota knew she didn’t get pregnant intentionally, she, like them, did hope that the baby would change things. She lay in the bed and watched some television. She was nauseous—she had vomited twice in the past twenty-four hours, and she was craving some Oreos. She called Tony, and there was no answer. Maybe it was the hormones, maybe it was because she wanted something that was unrealistic, but when she got his voice mail she slammed the phone down with the little energy that she had.

  “To hell with him,” she said out loud.

  69

  Love You for Life

  “Why is there a Jodeci CD in the stereo in the conference room?” Elizabeth stepped into Jordan’s office and asked her with the CD in her hand. It was the best of Jodeci CD, and Jayon and her had themselves a special evening in their conference room a couple of nights ago.

  Jordan’s facial expression probably said it all. It went from an I’m caught look of shock to a you got me smirk.

  “No reason a girl can’t mellow out at work,” Jordan said playfully.

  “Yeah, mmm-hmm,” she said, handing Jordan the CD.

  “Give that here,” she said

  Elizabeth, who was the other practicing attorney on their floor and her friend from college, was in and out of the office so much, the staff probably knew more than she did about Jayon and she—and she was her partner.

  “Elizabeth ... nothing. You’re just a little late, that’s all.”

  “Late with what? I know you and Omar separated. You are seeing someone new?”

  After a slight hesitation, she said, “You could say that.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I am seeing someone, but he is not new.”

  Jordan gave her that look that said, you’ll
never believe it.

  “What???” Elizabeth yelped. “You and Jayon? Are you two ... like doing it now or something?”

  Jordan couldn’t help but laugh. “Uhh, something like that.”

  “Something like that?”

  “Well, yeah, we slept together.”

  Elizabeth damn near screamed at the top of her lungs. Jordan tried to quiet her down so no one heard her—she didn’t know where Jay was on the floor. Elizabeth was around when Jordan and Jay had first met—she had seen their whole friendship develop. Back in undergrad she used to think that something was up with them, but over time, like everybody else, she managed to believe it was just a close friendship. So Jordan understood why this seemed crazy to her, that after all these years they’d finally done something.

  “Omar and I are through, and Jayon has been there a lot for me, helping me at home, trying to keep me happy, and things just started to happen.”

  “How did things just start to happen?”

  “Well, we were spending time together, he was coming over a lot, and we slept in the same bed together for the first time in years. Then we just started to increase our comfort zones.”

  “Are you sure that was smart, Jordan?”

  “Elizabeth, I don’t know. Things have been pretty good, though. I haven’t cried over Omar since, so even if that’s all it was for, it was worth it. I was tired of being upset and angry. Jayon gave me a reason to look forward to every day again.”

  “I understand, girl—well, I’m happy for you two.”

  “Thanks for understanding.”

  “Please, don’t you owe me, like, twenty dollars?”

  “For what?”

  “I’m sure I bet you years ago this would happen,” she said, laughing.

  “Shut up—I owe a few people some money, then, and so does Jayon.”

  When Elizabeth walked out of her office, Jordan started to think about how many people would think that what she and Jayon were now admitting to had been a secret for some time. She wondered if Omar would think she had been cheating on him with Jayon from before, and was just now deciding to come out with it. That would be the last thing she would want him, or anybody, to think. At the same time, of course, people would think that. How could she convince them otherwise? All these years they were friends, and then she and Omar separate, and then she and Jayon get together. She would hope that at least Omar would know better than that. She knew he complained about stuff, but she prayed that deep down he knew his wife well enough to know that she would never have cheated on him. She hoped he didn’t assume the worst if and when he did find out that she and Jayon had started an actual relationship.

  70

  If Only

  Chrasey was sitting at her desk typing up some reports. Her boss was calling a meeting with all the directors in a couple of hours, and she wanted her report to be in tip top-shape.

  Serrette, her assistant, stepped in her office doorway and called her name to get her attention.

  “Trevor on line 1,” she said.

  “Take a mess ...” She paused. “I’ll get it, thanks,” Chrasey replied.

  “Hello, Chrasey speaking.”

  “Hi there, stranger.”

  “Who is calling?”

  “It’s me, Trevor.”

  “Oh, hello there,” she said.

  Chrasey was trying so hard to be casual and almost professional. She didn’t want her eagerness to show—she didn’t want him to know how happy she was to hear from him. She was so vulnerable, and she was hoping that if she kept it brief and pretended, he wouldn’t be able to tell. She had wanted to call him for weeks, but she knew that it was the wrong thing to do. Deep down, she was hoping he would call because she would feel better about it, less guilty. She didn’t initiate the wrongdoing, so it would be better. Now that he was on the phone, she didn’t even know what to say.

  “So, how have things been?” he asked.

  “Great, things are great. How about you?”

  “Oh, I’m good. My daughter’s birthday is this weekend and I’m taking her to Sesame Place,” he said.

  “That’s nice—she will love it. I took my kids there before.”

  “Yeah, I would love it if you came along.”

  “Actually, I can’t. I will be taking my kids to a movie,” Chrasey replied.

  “Oh, well, could I see you at another time?”

  “Umm ... I doubt it, to tell you the truth. I’m not sure if it’s wise.”

  “Can I ask you a question?” Trevor said, as if he’d been waiting to ask.

  “Yes.”

  “Do you still find yourself waiting outside of your job after work?” There was a moment of silence.

  “What are you trying to say?” Chrasey asked defensively.

  “I’m asking does he still keep you waiting after work?”

  “Trevor ... it’s very rare that I don’t have my car. Of the few times I needed him for a ride ... maybe once or twice ... but what’s that have to do with anything. There’s traffic and ...”

  “Don’t make excuses, Chrase. The point is, what has really changed? Why are you in denial? Let’s be serious and honest with each other—what has really changed since before?”

  Chrasey wanted to just pour her heart out and tell him all that she was going through. She wanted to tell him about Lourdes calling, about the abstinence, about the lonely nights, about the fear that it wasn’t going to work out, and how badly she had been wanting to call him. Chrasey knew if she did that, and started depending on Trevor the way she had before, she would end up with more stress and trouble than she was able to handle. She and Keith were trying to mend their marriage, and although it wasn’t working quite yet, she wanted at least to try this time around.

  “Trevor, honestly, not much has changed but we are working at it.”

  “All right, Chrasey ... look, I wish you two the best—I really do. I just don’t want you to be in a situation where you’re unhappy. You deserve better than that, Chrase—I have told you that 100 times.”

  “And you’re the better that I need, right, Trevor?”

  “No, it doesn’t have to be me. Maybe it’s Keith, as long as there is change. I just want you to be happy.”

  “Thanks, Trev—I appreciate the concern. I want to be happy, too.”

  “OK—well, if you need me, you know where to reach me,” he said.

  “I miss you,” Chrasey slipped in.

  “Huh?” Trevor said, caught off guard.

  “I said, I miss you. I just want to make an attempt to save our marriage—I at least want to try,” Chrasey admitted.

  “I respect that, and I support you. I’m here either way.”

  “Thanks, Trev—I’ll talk to you later.”

  Just as Chrasey went to hang up, she heard Trevor call her name. “Chrase ...” he said.

  “Yes?” she said, putting the phone back to her ear.

  “I miss you, too,” he said.

  She gave a light laugh. “I’m happy to hear you still think about me. I will talk to you soon.”

  They hung up. Chrasey sat at her desk feeling confused. She didn’t get why a woman always seemed to need multiple men to equal one good one. If Keith could only have Trevor’s compassion and concern for her happiness. If only Tony could have David’s sense of responsibility and desire to settle down, and if only Omar had Jayon’s temperament. If a man could be everything a woman needed, there would be a lot fewer women cheating. Every woman wants to settle with just one man, but it seemed impossible these days to be happy with one because they were only giving half of themselves. So a woman has to go out and find another half to get complete satisfaction. Damn, if only.

  71

  She Surfaces

  “Is this Dakota?” the unfamiliar voice asked.

  “Who is this?” Dakota asked.

  “Is this Dakota?”

  “Who is this?”

  “My name is Jonelle—is this Dakota?”

  “Yes, Jonelle
from where?”

  “I am Tony’s fiancée, and I just wanted to ask you a few questions.”

  “Fiancée?”

  “Yes.”

  “What are your questions, Jonelle?”

  “Well, I just wanted to find out about the relationship you have with Tony?”

  Dakota laughed. “The relationship I have with Tony?”

  “Yes, and what is so funny?”

  “It’s funny that you ask me that.”

  “And why is that?”

  “Because you should be asking your fiancé.”

  “Listen, Dakota. I wasn’t calling to start any trouble, and I had much hesitation about doing so, but I hoped that you would be the type of female to understand this situation.”

  “Well, you had wishful thinking, because I’m not.”

  “OK, Dakota. I’m sorry I bothered you then. If this is how you want to be about this, that’s fine if you want to be second in line that’s fine with me.”

  “Of course it’s fine with you, because you have no choice, and I don’t know anything about you. Why should I understand why I have some strange female calling my phone asking me questions about my relationship with my child’s father.”

  “What? Child?”

  “Yes, child. You heard me. Since you are so fine with me having your ‘leftovers’, let me know how mine tastes?”