Sunlight and Shadows

by Christine Cross

  Here, she felt valued for her work, for her companionship. Here, Joshua talked with her as though her opinion mattered, as though she were an equal rather than a servant. Here, she could make her space as she liked and no one would disturb her.

  The thought of leaving this strange home was more painful than she could have imagined. And if the thought of leaving the stables behind caused her grief, the thought of leaving Joshua was even worse.

  But, she reasoned, it was for Joshua that she was leaving.

  If it had not been clear before, the kiss he’d placed on her forehead yesterday, like a brand, made it painfully obvious.

  Joshua had fallen as much in love with her as she was in love with him. And that, Eliza knew, would only lead to ruin for both of them.

  A respectable boy from a good family would never be permitted to marry a woman who had borne a child out of wedlock. Even if Joshua did marry her against all social custom, he would be ostracized as much as she was now.

  No, it was best for her to move on to a new town where no one knew her and there was no one searching. There, she could start over. Create a fake dead husband for herself, a false father for her child, and live as respectable a life as she was able.

  She knew she had to leave before breakfast. Joshua always came in just after the sun rose over the horizon. That time was fast approaching.

  She told herself to move but could not seem to make her feet obey. They insisted on staying put, looking at the blanket and pillow. She realized that she should not leave Joshua without a word. Not after he had been so kind to her. Still, he had no paper for a note, and there were no pens to be had anywhere.

  Telling herself that there was nothing to be done, she finally forced her feet to move to the back door of the barn, just next to the window where she had climbed inside a little over two weeks before.

  Hastily, she undid the latch on the back door. Just as she began to slowly crack it open, a voice stopped her.

  “Eliza?”

  Joshua.

  She felt her heart leap and sink at the same time, it felt as though it might tear in two when she turned to him.

  “What are you doing? Isabelle told you to stay in bed.”

  He set the handkerchief and cup that held her breakfast down on the table and moved towards her. He put his hand on her arm as though to lead her back to the haystack.

  “I can’t,” she said, regretfully shaking him off.

  He stepped back, his eyes widened in surprise.

  “What do you mean-”

  “I can’t stay here, Joshua,” she said. “It isn’t safe for you.”

  “It’s not safe for you out there,” he told her firmly. He tried to take hold of her arm once more but again she pulled back.

  “Joshua, I will be alright,” she said firmly. Though, her words were tempered by a sharp, cramping pain in her abdomen. She closed her eyes and forced it away.

  “Thank you for everything you’ve done,” she said evenly. “But I have to-”

  Another pain shot through her, this one much more forceful than the last. She put a hand on her stomach and did not protest when Joshua grabbed hold of her arm.

  “You have to stay, Eliza,” he told her. “Isabell said-”

  “It’s nothing,” Eliza insisted trying move away from him. “Just phantom pains like your sister said yesterday, I can-”

  She was cut off once again when she let out an involuntary cry. The pain shot through her as she clutched her abdomen desperately and, suddenly, felt a strange wetness like water gushed from between her legs.

  “Eliza!” Joshua exclaimed, “You have to lie back down.”

  Through blurry eyes, she saw him rush to the blankets, hastily unfold one and lay it over the haystack.

  Once again, Eliza did not protest as Joshua lead her over to the bed and all but forced her to lie down on it. She could feel his hands shaking as he placed the pillow under her head.

  “I’ve got to get Isabell,” he said. She tried to grab his hand, to shake her head, to beg him not to leave her. But in the end, the words wouldn’t come.

  “I’ll be right back,” he said. Before she could say anything more, he rushed to the front of the barn and out the door.

  *****

  Joshua

  Joshua burst into the kitchen, ignoring the hard slam of the door as he came in. His heart sank when he saw his brother still at the breakfast table.

  Thinking of Eliza, trying his best to ignore his brother’s hard, suspicious glare, he turned to Isabell.

  “Isabelle, you need to come to the stables, right away,” he said as quickly as he could.

  “What’s going on?” Ben asked standing from the table.

  “The mare,” Isabell said quickly, with a knowing glance at Joshua. “She’s more ill than we thought. It’ll take two of us to look at her.”

  Ben looked as though he wanted to say something to that but, before he could, Isabell put a hand on his shoulder and gave him an easy smile.

  “We won’t be gone long,” she said gently.

  Joshua did is best to ignore the still suspicious look on his brother’s face as he hastily led the way to the stables, Isabell following in his wake.

  When they arrived, Eliza’s painful cries could be heard even before they opened the door to the barn.

  Immediately, Isabell rushed to Eliza’s side.

  “You’ll need to open your legs,” Isabell said quickly. Eliza looked to Joshua before doing as Isabell asked.

  Joshua moved to Eliza and grasped her hand as Isabell saw to her work.

  “How long have the pains been coming?” she asked Eliza.

  “On and off all morning,” Eliza said, breathlessly.

  “As soon as the water broke I ran out for you,” Joshua said.

  Eliza let out a cry and Joshua felt the blood being squeezed out of his hand as Eliza clutched on to it.

  “Joshua,” Isabell said. “I’ll need you to run to the house, get towels and a basin of water.”

  Joshua nodded and made to pry his hand from Eliza’s grip, but that only caused Eliza to hold on more tightly.

  “Please don’t leave,” she said breathlessly. Joshua looked down at her wide brown eyes as a mixture of tears and sweat poured down her cheeks.

  He looked helplessly from Eliza to Isabell completely unsure of what to do. He opened his mouth to ask his sister-in-law but, before he could, a shadow crossed the still open door of the stable.

  “What’s this?” a hard voice asked from the doorway.

  Joshua’s eyes traveled up to meet with the dark gaze of his brother.

  Even Eliza’s scream of pain did not drag his eyes from Ben’s shocked gaze. And even the sharp squeeze of his hand, draining what little blood remained, paled in comparison to the betrayed expression on his brother’s face.

  Joshua tried to think of something, anything to say that might explain the strange sight to Ben, but Isabell spoke first.

  “There’s no time to explain, Ben,” she said. “I need a basin of warm water and clean towels.”

  “Isabell, is... is that the girl they were looking for?” Ben demanded. “Is that the runaway?”

  “Ben, if I don’t have what I need, this woman will suffer and possibly die. Do you want that?”

  When Ben did not answer immediately, Isabell seemed to take his silence as a sign of acceptance.

  “Good,” she said. “Now, go to the house and bring me water and towels.”

  He hesitated only a moment before looking over to Joshua, he felt his brother’s betrayed glare reach him before Ben turned and stormed out of the stables slamming the door behind him as he went.

  He didn’t return for what felt like hours. As Isabell urged Eliza to push, as Eliza squeezed Joshua’s hand more and more tightly in her grasp, Joshua began to worry that his brother had left.

  Perhaps he had gone into town. Perhaps, at this very moment, he was telling the bounty hunger exactly where Eliza was.

  Finally,
as the sun’s rays lowered in the sky, signaling the start of the afternoon, Ben returned with blankets, towels and a basin full of warm water.

  “The child’s not come yet?” he asked Isabell, apparently surprised.

  “It takes longer than that for a woman to push a baby out,” Isabell said. “But, if he had come quickly, we’d have had nothing to clean him with.”

  She glared sharply at her husband who immediately frowned at her.

  “And how long have you known about a pregnant, unmarried girl living in our stables?” he asked.

  Isabell opened her mouth to answer but was cut off by a sharp cry from Eliza. This one, Joshua knew was not of pain. Her eyes widened as she looked to the stable opening.

  Joshua followed her gaze and saw a larger figure than Ben cast his shadow over the stable’s doorway.

  “So, here you are,” Charlie Sander’s dark voice said.

  Joshua saw Eliza’s face grow white at the sight of the large man moving slowly towards her. Joshua clutched her hand more tightly in his. The large man caught the gesture and moved towards them putting a hand on the pistol at his side.

  Ben stood up and blocked Charlie’s path.

  “We agreed,” Ben said. “You wouldn’t disturb her until the baby was born.”

  “Ben,” Joshua whispered fiercely. “I asked you not to-”

  “Wanted her all to yourself, huh?” Charlie asked menacingly. “Who knows, maybe you’re the one who put her in this condition.”

  He tried to push against Ben to get to Joshua. But Ben stood his ground against the larger man.

  “My brother is innocent, as you well know,” Ben insisted. “You wanted the girl. You’ve found her now. And as soon as the child is born, you can take her back to her father.”

  “I’ll take her now,” Charlie said and he made to push past Ben. Before Joshua could blink, Ben reached above him into the hayloft and produced his own gun.

  Isabell gasped.

  “You’re not leaving with anyone,” he said. “Not until the child is born.”

  Charlie looked from Ben to the gun pointed at him. His eyes were hard but Joshua could see them moving quickly. As though trying to decide whether it was worth it to draw his own pistol.

  Eliza, eyes still wide with fear, hand clutching Joshua’s, let out a long cry. This one, he knew instinctively had to do with the child. Isabell must have known it too because she turned to Charlie and Ben with a fierce glare.

  “Both of you. Out. Now,” she said authoritatively.

  “Listen, woman,” Charlie snarled still looking cautiously at the gun Ben held out in front of him. “That girl is my-”

  “This girl is my patient, at the moment,” Isabell said to him. “I won’t have you upsetting her. You can both stand outside the barn if you like, but I’ll won’t have you in here.”

  Charlie looked between Joshua, Isabell, and Ben for a long moment. Joshua could feel Eliza still pressing hard against his knuckles. Finally, with a last glance at the gun in Ben’s hand, Charlie turned and marched out of the barn.

  He stopped at the door.

  “I’ll be back in the morning,” he said turning back to them. “I’ll expect the girl to be ready for me then.”

  With that, he stormed out of the barn. Ben, slowly lowered the pistol. He placed it carefully back in the upper loft beneath the hay. Then, with an awkward glance to his wife, rushed out after Charlie.

  “I... I have to leave before morning, then,” Eliza managed to sputter out weakly.

  “No, you won’t Eliza,” Joshua said as firmly as he could. “I won’t let him come for you. I won’t let him hurt you. I promise.”

  She opened her mouth to answer but all that came was a small cry. She squeezed his hand so tightly that he felt all the blood drain out of it.

  “Nearly there,” Isabelle said. “Just keep pushing. One last one should do it.”

  It didn’t. Joshua stayed in those stables for nearly two more hours, his hand hardly leaving Eliza’s. Heat and sweat from the height of the afternoon filled his entire body and he began to feel as weak as Eliza looked.

  Finally, with one loud scream and a push, a new cry mingled with Eliza’s painful screams.

  “You have a son,” Isabell said, wrapping the child in the towels Ben had provided.

  Joshua turned his head to look at Eliza. Her lips were curved in a weary smile and her eyes half closed when Isabell laid the babe in her arms.

  “What’ll you call him?” he asked her.

  Her eyes fluttered open and looked straight into his. Her smile widened as she opened her mouth and spoke softly.

  “Joshua.”

  *****

  Eliza

  “We can’t send her back to that man, lord only knows what he’ll do.”

  “Lord only knows what he’ll do to us if she’s not prepared to leave with him in the morning. You saw that gun at his hip. He was nearly ready to murder Joshua!”

  When Eliza woke the sun had fallen beneath the horizon. She could hear the raised voices outside the barn.

  “Besides, there’s no room for her here!”

  Apparently, Isabell was speaking to Joshua’s brother and she seemed to be losing the argument.

  “Of course, we have-”

  “She can’t stay in the stables,” Ben said, his voice louder now than it had been a moment before. “And there’s no proper room for her in the house.”

  “She has nowhere to go,” Isabell told him quietly.

  “That’s why she should make amends with her father,” Ben said. “You can gather some clothes for her to take on her journey with that Charlie Sanders if you like. But in the morning, we’re going to hand her over to him. I’ll hear no more about it.”

  The sound of his boots crunched against the grass as he made his way back to the house. Eliza sat straight up on her bed of hay, pulling the tough straw out of her hair as she did.

  She would have to leave tonight. Even with no idea where she was going, no plan and no money, she couldn’t stay here. She would have to take little Joshua and go.

  It was then that she realized the weight missing from her arms. Her baby was gone.

  She turned to and fro searching any space nearby finally, as she made to get up, a voice called out to her.

  “It’s all right, Eliza. He’s here.”

  She turned to see Joshua cradling a small bundle of blankets in his arms.

  “You needed to sleep,” he said. “So I took him out for a bit.”

  A feeling of relief ran through her chest as she held out her arms for her son.

  Joshua, biting his lip as though afraid to drop the precious bundle finally placed it gently into her arms.

  Eliza looked down at her child. She had seen him when Isabell first handed him to her of course, even fed him a bit after that. But this was the first time she truly looked at him, truly had the strength to take him in.

  He looked up at her, tiny fists flailing. His large brown eyes blinked serenely from inside a red and wrinkled face. His tiny bow lips quirked up in what looked like a smile.

  Eliza could not help but return it. This was her son. Her perfect, beautiful little boy. And she knew that she had to protect him.

  “We have to leave,” she said turning to Joshua. “I have to leave tonight.”

  She turned to him and saw his face fall and his eyes widen. He looked disappointed, even hurt.

  The expression caused another empty pain to fill her. She pushed it aside as best she could and looked at him firmly.

  “But... you... you can’t go now,” he said. “You need rest. If you try to move now, you won’t make it two miles.”

  “I have to try,” she said. “I heard your brother. He’s going to let Charlie Sanders take me back to my father in the morning. Neither of them will ever accept my baby. I know that. If Charlie doesn’t kill little Joshua on the road, my father will take him from me the first chance he gets!”

  Joshua looked at her a long moment. She f
elt a stirring begin in her chest when his expression changed from one of hurt and fear to concentration. As though he was making a very difficult decision.

  “What if…” he said slowly, moving towards her. “What it I went with you?”

  When she looked at him, his eyes were steady on hers. She knew immediately that he was serious and, her first instinct was to accept his offer implicitly.

  With Joshua, she wouldn’t have to give up everything she’d come to love here. She wouldn’t have to be alone.

  But then she realized what that would mean for him. He would have to leave behind his home and his livelihood. And they still had no money to pay their way.

  “I can’t let you do that, Joshua,” she said. “We wouldn’t be able to go to town. We’d have to travel miles away from here. You’d have to leave everything behind and besides that, we’ve no money.”

  To her surprise, Joshua gave her a cunning smile before moving towards her bed.

  “See? That’s where you’re wrong.”

  Eliza felt her heart beat quickly as he sat down next to her and reached over her lap. He came very close, so close that she could feel his breath against her cheek and the weight of his arm around her waist.

  For a moment, she thought he was going to kiss her. Her pulse began to jump at the thought before he reached instead just over her lap to a loose floorboard beside her bed.

  With little effort, he pulled it up and lifted a small box out of it. He stayed by her side as he opened the lid of the box and revealed several large paper bills set in a neat stack.

  “Where did you get that?” she asked.

  “Well,” he said, a blush coming over his cheeks. “When I said I only made the saddles for my brother, that wasn’t exactly the truth. The fact is, I’ve been selling them when I go to market. I haven’t made as much as I’d like. But it should be enough to pay our way somewhere. We could find a wagon train or even buy a train ticket in one of the larger towns or-”

  Before he could finish speaking she threw one arm around him and pressed him to her as the other arm still held her baby who only gave the slightest squeak in protest.