Sunlight and Shadows

by Christine Cross

  Anna laughed out loud. “I understand. I always enjoyed the actual singing at those services. And seeing my friends. But there were too many people who only went to spend time with their significant others.”

  Joshua agreed.

  “Well, I really must get the kitchen cleaned up,” her mother said, getting to her feet.

  “Let me help,” Anna said, also getting to her feet.

  Her mother shook her head. “No, no, you stay. You haven’t rested in so long, and there isn’t much to do. I’ll be fine.” She smiled and pointed to the chair Anna had just vacated. “Now sit and relax. I’ll bring you out some more tea.”

  “Thank you,” Anna replied as her mother left the room.

  Her father smiled at them and wordlessly got up and followed her mother into the kitchen, leaving Anna and Joshua alone with the baby.

  Joshua bounced Elizabeth on his knee. “I’m sorry I’ve hogged your daughter’s attention all afternoon.”

  Anna smiled. “No, its fine. It makes me happy that she’s so content with you. I feel like I don’t get a break.” She waved her hand. “Not that I feel like I need one. Of course I love to have her and hold her.”

  He smiled. “I understand what you meant. Sometimes you just need a little space to breathe.”

  She sighed and nodded. “Exactly.”

  “I’m glad that I could be of some help, then.”

  Elizabeth soon fell asleep and Anna returned her to her cradle. She smiled as she tucked her in before returning to Joshua. She hoped that she hadn’t kept him too long.

  “Well, thank you for all of your help today. And for your kindness,” she gestured to the kitchen. “And for making my parents’ afternoon by staying for lunch.”

  He smiled as he got to his feet. “It was my pleasure. I was very happy to do so. I hope I didn’t overstay my welcome.”

  “Oh, no!” she replied. “I hope that you didn’t think I wanted you to stay only because of your help with Elizabeth.”

  He shook his head. “No, I know that isn’t true.”

  He walked with her towards the door.

  “You know, if you ever need any help with her, feel free to let me know. I would always be happy to.”

  “That’s very kind of you. But I know how busy you are and how time consuming a child is.”

  He looked down at her and smiled. “What would you think about coming with me into town tomorrow? I have to go and pick up some supplies for the tractor, but I would love the company. And I’m sure we can find something nice and new for little Elizabeth.”

  His kindness greatly surprised her. She wondered why he was being so generous with his time with her, and what she had done to deserve the kindness. And a trip out of the community with a friend sounded like a very tempting and relaxing thing.

  “As long as you will let me stop and get a cold bottle of soda,” she said. “I used to get one every time I would go with my dad. Kind of a tradition now.”

  He laughed, and it made her smile. “Alright, it’s a deal. I’ll be here after breakfast, is that a good time?”

  “That should be fine, yes.”

  He smiled. He went to open the door, and then wavered. “I hope that today wasn’t as dark as it could have been for you.”

  The tone of his voice gave her pause. He spoke more softly, and the smile on his face faded, his eyes searching the floor instead of her face.

  It caught at her heart, and a rush of emotions filled her; sorrow, joy, anxiety, fear, and peace. His concern for her well-being surprised her once more. It had been one whole year exactly since she lost Micah, since Elizabeth lost her father. And even though time had dulled some of the pain, it still left a great ache in her heart that she was sure would never disappear.

  But Joshua’s presence that day had reminded her of something; life doesn’t always have to be lived in the storm. In fact, sometimes, there are those around you who wish to help point you to the sunny skies and to the rainbows of the afternoon; those who will show you the bright colors of the flowers instead of the weeds surrounding them. There are those people who will always be there, even when it feels like everyone has left.

  She smiled at him. “Because of you, it wasn’t.”

  And with a wide, almost childish smile, he excused himself from the house.

  *****

  “So then I asked him what he thought he was doing, and when he turned to look at me, I saw that he was wearing it on his head!”

  Anna and Joshua sat on the porch of his family’s farm, the late afternoon sun the same shade of orange as all of the leaves on the trees around them. It was late October, and as had become customary with the friends, they enjoyed a Saturday sharing stories and allowing Elizabeth to run around with the goats.

  Anna threw back her head and laughed with Joshua. She wiped a tear from her eye.

  “Your poor brother,” she said, and then laughed again.

  Joshua smiled at her. “So, what would you like to do next Saturday? Should we take Elizabeth into town for the Apple Festival? I heard that the Kings are going to be having a stand and selling their honey.”

  “Oh, that sounds lovely. Maybe I can find some of the alpaca farmers again this year and buy some for socks for Elizabeth this winter.”

  Elizabeth who had recently learned how to walk, waddled over to the goats on the far side of the pen.

  “Ma!” she called.

  Anna stood and walked to the fence and leaned against it. “What is it, my love?”

  She pointed at the goat that chewed on a dry piece of straw, and took a few steps toward it. Anna smiled as she watched the little girl. It had amazed her how quickly she had grown, and how happy she was all the time.

  She knew that it would have made Micah proud.

  “She’s doing pretty well,” Joshua commented, coming to stand beside her.

  “She is, she’s always surprising me,” Anna replied.

  Joshua cleared his throat. “Anna, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.”

  An unknown icy fear seeped into her veins, and her relaxed grip on the fence post tightened. “Alright?” she said after a few moments.

  “It’s not something we’ve talked about, and I really am not sure how you have felt about it. But I had to see, before…” he sighed. “I’ll just come out and say it.”

  He looked out over the farm, past the little goat pen and into the pastures, before he started again. “I hope you don’t think I have been trying to take Micah’s place in Elizabeth’s life. I know that I could never replace him and I hope that I haven’t been overstepping my boundaries by wanting to help take care of her.”

  The words genuinely caught her off guard. “Joshua, I…” her mind spun and she wasn’t quite sure how to respond to him.

  Had she ever thought that? No. But Joshua had never spoken so frankly about Micah, at least not since that day in June. Since then, she had been so glad that he was the only person in her life that helped her look ahead, not back in the past. He had helped her to find herself again and had encouraged her faith and had supported her.

  But she never would have expected him to feel this way. “No, Joshua, I have never felt that way. I think it has been good that she’s had so many people in her life that love her so much and want to help see her grow up well.”

  Had he thought that he was trying to take the role of a father in her life? Because the thought had never, ever, crossed her mind.

  “Okay, good. I’ve been worried that you might have thought I was trying to be too involved. Maybe I needed to give you both some space.”

  Anna pursed her lips. “I don’t quite know what you mean.”

  He smiled a little, the corner of his mouth turning up. “Come on, Anna. We spend a lot of time together.”

  “Not any more than normal people do,” she said.

  He shook his head. “We spend every Saturday together, often times our Sundays as well, and even during the week we sometimes have dinner with ea
ch other’s families.”

  “Well, that isn’t much different than how we were as kids, is it?” she asked. “We were always together when we were younger.”

  “I guess we were, weren’t we?” he replied, the smile on his face growing wider. “Spent all that time playing in my dad’s fields, even when he would yell at us for treading on the wheat.”

  Anna laughed and nodded her head. “And climbing all the trees in my backyard, and spraining my ankle that one time I fell out of a tree and you had to carry me all the way back to my house?”

  Joshua, the sunlight making the color of his eyes like seawater, shook his head. “I was so afraid that night. I remember it was just getting dark. I was sure that your dad was going to kill me because he never wanted you out after dark, and here I was, carrying you home in tears with a hurt leg.”

  She nudged him gently. “He would never be mad at you. I knew that, and I was right.”

  He looked over at her, and his gaze softened. The tiny scar above his left eye that he had gotten after a horse had kicked him when he was twelve was apparent in the late daylight.

  “He trusted you like he’s never trusted anyone else.”

  “Except for Micah,” Joshua said, his voice soft.

  “Except for Micah,” she repeated.

  Silence grew between them as they continued to watch Elizabeth and the goats. Joshua handed her some carrots for her to feed them, but Anna and Joshua did not acknowledge each other.

  It was the first time in a long time that an uncomfortable moment had passed between them, and Anna was disappointed by it. She had grown so fond of him; in fact, it was more of a rediscovery for her, their friendship. He had changed and grown so much as an adult, and his carefree but gentle demeanor had only deepened as he had aged. But something about that day, something about the things that Joshua was saying, seemed to just set her on edge.

  Eventually, Elizabeth started to fuss, and Anna knew it was time for her to go to bed. She scooped up the little girl.

  Elizabeth squirmed in her arms, her eyes shut tight and her legs kicked.

  “Let me,” Joshua said, holding his hands out to her.

  Anna, who wasn’t really in the mood to fight, passed the disgruntled child to him.

  He took her and cradled her as if she were a newborn and rocked her back and forth a few times. At first, she protested, but soon she settled and her lids grew heavy.

  “I don’t know how you do it,” Anna commented in a voice just above a whisper.

  “Nothing special,” he replied. “Just giving a tired mom a break.”

  Anna smiled, and it eased the tension between them a little.

  They walked home together, whispering about nothing in particular so as to let Elizabeth sleep. They soundlessly laid her down when they reached Anna’s home, and then returned to the living room.

  “Thank you,” Anna said, something she felt like she was doing over and over again.

  “You don’t have to thank me,” he said in reply. It was a dance that they were becoming very good at.

  She asked him if he wanted to have a cup of hot tea or a glass of water, but both he refused. His hands were on his hips and he was looking about as if he were looking for something.

  “Are you okay?” Anna asked him.

  “What?” he asked, apparently just realizing that she was still in the room with him. “Oh, yes. I’m just…”

  “Looking for something?”

  “Yeah, my courage.”

  He looked up when he said that and some of the color left his face. It seemed as if he had immediately regretted his words.

  “Joshua, something is obviously bothering you,” Anna said.

  His jaw clenched and unclenched, and he rubbed his chin with his hand, his eyes on the floor. “Okay.” He stepped across the room, and to her great surprise, took her hand in his. “Come and sit. There is something that I need to talk to you about.”

  There was a sudden jolt of her heart, and her cheeks grew warm. But she allowed him to lead her to the chairs beside the fireplace and as he sat in one, she sat beside him.

  She waited for him to speak, as it was obvious it was very difficult for him. His hands gripped the arms of the chair, and his eyes searched the fireplace as if he might find something in the old ash and charred wooden logs.

  “This is something that I should have told you four years ago,” he finally said, still unable to make eye contact with her.

  Still she waited, not even daring to breathe.

  “When you met Micah, I remember where I was sitting at Sunday evening service. I was beside the window, and you were in the front row. I had somehow felt that once school was over and you and I didn’t see each other every day, that you would have sort of…I don’ t know…forgotten about me? No, not forgotten. Moved on? We were friends when we were young children. And I didn’t expect you to hold onto that; you were growing up and so was I. We had more important things to consider.”

  His words broke her heart in a way that she wasn’t prepared for. How could he think that she would have forgotten him?

  “Joshua, I thought that you were no longer interested in being friends with me,” she said honestly. “You just withdrew from me one day, and I thought I had upset you. When you never really approached me again, I just assumed that you had found some new friends who were taking up more of your time.”

  “No, you never upset me. I guess it was me that pulled away.” He adjusted himself in the chair and leaned over onto his knees with his elbows. “But it wasn’t because I didn’t like you. It was because I liked you too much.”

  Her heart, which had been beating rather uncomfortably, now ceased its incessant thumping almost immediately. “You…what?”

  He bent his head before taking a deep breath. “I saw Micah walk up to you one night and sit beside you. And when I saw the way you smiled at him, I…I just assumed that the small chance that I might have had with you just…vanished.”

  She swallowed hard. Joshua had always cared for her, but she never would have imagined that he had feelings for her.

  “Ever since we were in sixth grade and I realized that marriage is more than just living with another person and eventually children being in the picture, I always thought that you and I would be a good match. We already knew each other, and we knew each other well. Our families already knew each other, and I already knew things that upset you and things that you liked. And the more I thought about it, the more I thought about you, and then one day I realized that I just couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else.”

  He sighed heavily, but pressed on. “The older I got, the more beautiful you became. I noticed every little thing about you; your smile, your hair, your laugh, your reactions to others. I already knew a lot about you, but I wanted to know everything. When we were finally old enough to start courting, I knew I wanted to ask you. But I just…”

  He rubbed his hands through his hair and sat back up. “I just choked. I couldn’t work up the courage. I just told myself over and over that the next time I saw you I would tell you, and I would be the one to walk you home. I spent so much time in my own head, analyzing things and creating scenarios and situations in my head, that I never actually acted on any of them. They never turned out the right way, and I spent way too long looking for the perfect moment. I have regretted it every day since then.”

  She felt as if she were in a dream, or watching him talk to someone else. She couldn’t believe the words that he said, it just felt so surreal.

  “When Micah started to show interest in you, it upset me. Really upset me. But it didn’t spur me on. Instead, it just made me wait even more. The longer I waited, the closer you two became. And eventually, it was too late.”

  He finally looked over at her, and it took everything in her to not turn away or get up and run from the room.

  “But I had fallen in love with you, Anna. And when it became known that you and Micah were to be married, I swallowed my own desires and r
ealized that if you were happy with him, then I needed to be okay with it. You deserved a man who was going to pursue you with his whole self; not a man who would cower and hide when the time came.”

  He sighed heavily. “And it was obvious how happy you were with him. I couldn’t bear to come between you and him, not when I could ruin that happiness. So I just sat back and watched. There was nothing else I could do. I had missed all of the many chances that I had. And because of it, I had caused my own demise. But you were happy. And I couldn’t bear to hurt you.”

  He reached over and took her hand. She was in such shock that she didn’t pull away.

  “Anna, I am devastated for you that you lost Micah. I know that you loved him, that you love him still. And it wasn’t just him, but Elizabeth as well, who is just as much a part of him as she is of you. When I saw you sitting outside of church that day holding her all alone and tears in your eyes this summer, it was the first time that I found the strength to reach out to you; it was as if all of the courage and the help I needed all those years ago came upon me all at once. Your sadness broke my heart, and all I wanted to do was make the pain go away.” He hesitated. “I don’t even know what I am saying. But all I know is this. Anna, I am in love with you, and I have been for as long as I can remember. I don’t know what that means or where we should go with that, but I had to let you know. I thought that I would never have a chance to tell you, and I am by no means pleased with the situations that have brought us to this point. Regardless, here we are, and this is how I feel.”

  He slapped his hands on his knees, the noise startling her. “There, I said it. I can’t believe I said it. But now you know, and you can do with it what you will. I don’t expect this to be easy, or for you to reply right away. But it is my heart, and it is the truth. I love you, and I can’t keep it from you any longer.”

  Anna could only stare at him, but she looked at him in a way that she had never looked at him before. In all of her wildest dreams, she never would have thought that he would say anything like this to her.