Sunlight and Shadows

by Christine Cross

  “I suppose you will want to rest and change before supper,” Sarah says. “I will call you when it’s ready. Should you need anything else, please do not hesitate to ask.”

  “Thank you, Mrs…. Sarah,” I say hesitantly, still becoming used to the new familiarity.

  “My pleasure, Hannah,” she says with a nod, before closing the door.

  Once alone, I slump down onto my bed in a very unladylike manner. Adam was right about one thing. I am exhausted from my journey. My feet, as well as every bone in my body, seems to ache.

  That being said, I know that I will not be able to sleep. Not after the welcome I have received.

  A mystery seems to surround this place. Not to mention my soon-to-be-husband. The welcome I received from him, was strange to say the least. Then there was a past that Sarah mentioned. A past that Adam, clearly, does not wish to share with me.

  I move from the bed to my satchel and reach into the front pocket. I pull out the return train ticket my father gave me at the station. The ticket back home.

  I know I have a decision to make. Is the mystery of Adam Jennings one I want to solve? Or, is this new life far too complicated for me to become entangled with?

  I stare at the piece of paper in my hand for one moment before sliding it back into its pocket. I decide that I should, at least, give this new land several days’ trial before I end the adventure completely.

  *****

  Four days have passed. Still, I feel nowhere closer to solving the mystery that lies at the heart of this family and nowhere near my future fiancé. In truth, Adam has spoken no more than four words to me at once, since I arrived.

  This, and his continuous sour expression lead me to suspect that my presence is not entirely welcome. I have had to continually remind myself that it was he who proposed to me. It was Adam who asked me to come and live here with him. Adam, who said that he wanted me to be his wife.

  I am beginning to suspect that Adam’s sister, Sarah, might have had more to do, not only with the advertisement but with her brother’s proposal to me than she lets on. Sarah has been not only kind and welcoming but incredibly grateful for my presence.

  “I must say it makes a nice change not having to prepare breakfast all on my own,” she tells me, as I stir the oats while she scrambles eggs in a skillet over the stove. I hear Sarah’s daughter, Charlotte, clanging plates as she sets the table behind us.

  “I do not mind the company either,” I answer. “Though, I will be sorry to see you and your family go next week.”

  The truth is, I feel a heavy pot-like sensation when I imagine having to be on the ranch alone with Adam. I try to tell myself that I will become used to it. But truly, I am not sure I could bear sleeping next to a husband who will barely speak to me.

  “You’re worried about being on your own here with Adam,” Sarah says, as though she has read my mind. I open my mouth to deny the charge, but find that I have nothing to say.

  “He can seem hard at first,” She says. “But, once he gets to know you, it will become easier. I promise.”

  Almost as soon as this is said, I hear footsteps enter from the hall. Immediately, I feel my shoulders tense and the rest of my body fill with nerves. I have discovered that sensation occurs every time my fiancé enters the room.

  “Breakfast almost ready?” he asks gruffly. I try not to jump at the sound of his voice.

  “Nearly,” Sarah answers before I can. I am grateful for that. “You may have a seat at the table.”

  “Uncle Adam,” an excited little voice says. “Mama let me set the table! See?”

  “I do see,” Adam says, in a much lighter voice than he uses with me, Sarah or Benjamin. “And a very good job you’ve done of it too.”

  I hear Charlotte giggle at the praise and the sound is so adorable that I am forced to turn my head and look. Little Charlotte is smiling at her uncle and swaying side-to-side with her hands behind her back. To my surprise, Adam is smiling back at her.

  These past four days, I have rarely seen Adam smile. But, I have noticed that on the rare occasions he does, it is always at the children. They are the only living things in the house that he seems to have an affinity for.

  Even his sister and her husband receive, what I would call, cold responses from him. But, the children... I have watched him with them.

  I have seen him chasing Philip through the fields at midday. I have heard him telling stories to Charlotte before bed at night. In these moments, he changes. He is no longer dark, brooding and unreachable. He is warm, genuine and caring.

  I must admit, this dichotomy in his nature fascinates me. Perhaps that is why I have put the return ticket to Massachusetts away for the time being. It is these small glimpses of light I see in my future fiancé that have urged me to stay, despite my less-than-warm reception.

  In a matter of minutes, the oats have finished as have the eggs that Sarah has been stirring. Benjamin and Philip join us as we serve the coffee eggs and oats.

  At Sarah’s insistence, I am seated next to Adam. As I sit, I smile and attempt to catch his eye. He looks almost determinately away from me and down at his plate.

  I feel the smile fall off my face. When I feel Sarah’s eyes on me, I know that she has seen this too.

  “I assume all the preparations have been made for the wedding?” she asks. Clearly hoping to spur some interest in either me or my future husband.

  But, for my part, all the mention of the wedding does is create an empty hole in the pit of my stomach. Adam looks up from his plate briefly, and looks at his sister with the same disinterested frown he always wears.

  “Spoke to the parson yesterday,” he grunts. “Everything seems to be in order.”

  Adam immediately goes back to his plate without looking at me or anyone else. I feel my face fall again before a small hand tugs at my sleeve. I turn to see Charlotte looking at me.

  “Auntie Hannah,” she says. “Can I wear a pink frock to your wedding? Mama says we don’t have pink. But, you’re the bride and you’re supposed to have anything you want. So, if you want pink, we can have pink.”

  I can’t help but smile when she looks up at me so hopefully. And, I’ve no idea how to tell her that there wasn’t money for a new frock of any color, let alone a pink one. Like all of us, Charlotte will be dressed in the Sunday clothes she already has.

  Still, I know I can not disappoint the child. So, thinking quickly, I say.

  “Of course, I want pink! That’s why you will be wearing pink flowers in your hair.”

  “But, will I have a pink frock to match?” she presses.

  “When you wear the flowers, any frock you wear looks pink,” I answer. “See, flowers for weddings are different from everyday flowers. They’re like magic.”

  “So... the flowers will turn my normal frock pink?” she asks. There’s a tiny bit of skepticism but I can see a hopeful smile returning to her face.

  “Of course, they will!” I answer. “The flowers will turn your frock whatever color I want them to be. Even if you’re not able to see it, everyone else will.”

  “That’s good!” Charlotte says. “That way Mama won’t have to worry about making me a new one.”

  “Exactly,” I answer. “That’s what wedding flowers are for. They save everyone time.”

  I am slightly startled when I hear a small chuckle to my right. I turn quickly, to find Adam looking at me with a smile. As soon as he catches my eye, he drops his gaze back to his plate. But a hint of that smile remains.

  Sarah sees it too, apparently, because when she speaks next, there is a hint of hopeful mischief in her voice.

  “Adam, I don’t believe Hannah has had a chance to see much of the ranch,” she says. Adam looks at her for one moment, the hint of a smile disappearing from his face.

  “I suppose she hasn’t,” he answers, moving his eyes back to the table in front of him.

  “I don’t suppose you would like to show her around before beginning work this morning?” Sarah a
sks pointedly.

  “Not sure if there’s time,” Adam grunts. “Lots of work to do.”

  “I’m sure Benjamin will be able to manage alone for a half hour or so. Won’t you dear?”

  Sarah says this with a deep stare at her husband across the table. He looks up wide eyed, surprised at being addressed. Then he follows his wife’s gaze to Adam and then to me, before answering.

  “Oh, yes,” he says hurriedly. “I am sure I can get the work started alone. Besides, it will give me a chance to show Philip how to feed the hogs.”

  “Can I papa?” Philip asks excitedly, nearly jumping up and down in his seat next to his father.

  “I don’t see why not,” Benjamin answers. “You’re old enough now.”

  Adam looks between his sister and brother-in-law, like an animal caught in a trap. I look down at the table, a blush coloring my cheeks.

  I do not know which is worse. The prospect of being alone with a man who can barely speak one civil sentence out loud or the idea that my future husband has to be tricked into spending time alone with me.

  “I suppose this is all arranged, then,” Adam says, apparently resigned. “All that is left is for Hannah to agree.”

  Something in his voice draws my eyes upward. When I meet his eyes, I almost gasp in surprise. He looks at me unguarded. It’s as though, for the first time, he’s unsure of himself. Almost shy.

  Even though I have already decided that Adam Jennings is one of the greatest mysteries of my life, this one look intrigues me more than any other. I know I need to get to the bottom of it.

  That is why I answer without hesitation.

  “Of course, I agree! It will be wonderful to see the ranch in its entirety.”

  “Well then,” Sarah says excitedly. “You two had better start out. I’ll clear the table. Benjamin will begin the work.”

  I look back to Adam, who still wears that intriguing hesitant look. In a moment, however, it is gone and before I can even begin to miss it, he stands and offers his arm to me.

  “Shall we?” he asks, a gallant almost affectionate tone laces his voice. It causes me to smile as I take his arm.

  “Lead the way,” I answer.

  With that, I walk out of the small house with my fiancé and into the world beyond. Hoping, all the while, that I might begin to see the man he keeps well hidden behind his mask.

  *****

  “What would you like to see first?” he asks after several moments of silence. We have been strolling arm in arm, with no real destination.

  I have tried to occupy my mind with the sights of the ranch. Men are on horseback, rounding up the cattle.

  “Is all this... yours?” I ask hesitantly. I realize vaguely that I have not answered his question but, he does not seem to mind.

  “It was my father’s,” he answers., “It started with just him and my mama on a few acres. Then, as the cattle business became more profitable, we expanded.”

  “And how long has it belonged to you?” I ask. I realize suddenly that Adam did not speak much about his family in his letters. He talked at length about the ranch and his sister, but he never mentioned his parents.

  “Since Pa died about three years ago,” Adam answers. “After that, Benjamin and Sarah moved a bit closer so they could come and help from time to time.”

  I look at him briefly. Though he still holds my arm, his eyes are focused straight ahead. I cannot quite name the expression I see there. It is not hard or cold as his face so often is. It looks as though he is... afraid. As I look around us at the peaceful scenery, the sun shining and the wind gently blowing, I cannot think of a single reason to be fearful.

  Perhaps the fear lies in talk of the past. Goodness knows, I do not want my past discussed. Especially when it comes to past loves. Frank has made me sensitive to that.

  So, I decide, at last, to answer Adam’s first question to me.

  “You mentioned a stable where the horses are kept, in your letters,” I tell him. “I think I would enjoy seeing that.”

  He looks at me for the first time on this walk and gives me a half-smile. He looks relieved and I am glad to have found the source of his distress. One part of the mystery is solved.

  Making a mental note not to mention the past, I keep my arm in his as he leads us to a large barn. From inside, I can hear the horses whinnying as though they know that their master is near.

  As we reach the barn, his arm drops from mine. I am surprised to realize that I miss the contact.

  He heads to the large barn doors and pulls them wide open.

  “I thought you might need help with those,” I say impressed.

  “I have been opening these doors on my own for years,” he says. “I am very accustomed to them.”

  I smile at him and try not to look too surprised when he smiles back at me, and again offers his arm. We walk into the barn where four tall, handsome, brown horses wait for us.

  “Of course, the boys who work on the ranch have their own mounts,” Adam says, as I break away to inspect the nearest animal. “These belong to the ranch.”

  “They’re beautiful,” I say, reaching out to press my hand against the horse’s main. I can’t help but giggle when, with a snort, the animal pushes its nose into my hand.

  “That’s Kalissa,” Adam says behind me. “She was my mother’s favorite.”

  “I can see why,” I say, continuing to stroke the incredible beast with awe.

  “Do you ride?” Adam asks suddenly. I turn from the horse to look at him.

  “I do,” I answer. “Although, there was not much opportunity back east. But, I would ride out to the countryside when I could.”

  He nods and that expression is back. It’s as though he is hesitant, unsure of himself. Suddenly, he comes up very close beside me by the stable door.

  “I only ask because I’ve always thought the land was best seen on horseback,” he says. “Kalissa is a very patient animal. If you like, I could saddler her up for you and the two of us could see the rest of the ranch while riding.”

  The idea thrills me and when I turn to Adam, I realize that a huge smile has spread across my face.

  “I would like that very much,” I answer. I am rewarded with a half smile before he heads off to the stall across from Kalissa. This one contains a large black stallion. He opens the gate and grabs the horse's reins as well as two saddles from the side wall.

  Before long, I am trotting along a well-worn path, happily observing all the goings-on at the ranch from my mount. Adam, who has stayed beside me the whole time, is happier than I have ever seen him. He seems to take more pleasure from being on a horse than he does from anything else.

  “That’s where the herd feeds,” he says, pointing towards a fenced area just at the edge of the property. “When the herd is here, that is. About twice a year, the boys drive the cattle up north a ways. Then the herd goes on trains eastbound.”

  “And how many men are employed here?” I ask curiously. I’ve seen about four men working on the ranch who I have not been introduced to.

  “Only about three stay on permanently,” Adam answers, “That’s Jack, Bill, and Ephraim. But, we hire others now and again to help with the cattle drives or fix things around the property.”

  “It’s certainly larger than our farm back home,” I answer. “We only plant small crops. And, my father never had the money to bring anyone on.”

  “Nothing wrong with a small honest farm,” Adam answers. “Plenty of the ranches around here started out that way. Besides, with a small operation, you don’t have to worry about paying men or giving percentages out.”

  “I am sure that gets taxing after a while,” I answer.

  “That’s one word for it,” he says.

  We turn our horses from the fence and I follow Adam’s lead back to the stable. As we ride, I know what I need to ask. It’s what I’ve wanted to ask since I came here.

  Now, with Adam relaxed and certainly much more genial than I have ever seen him, it seems
to be the time, at last, to ask it.

  “Is that why you put the advertisement in the magazine?” I ask. “Because the work on a large ranch is a bit much and you could use the help?”

  He purses his lips for a moment as the large barn comes to view in the distance.

  “I won’t deny that the promise of more help holds a certain appeal,” he answers. “But, truthfully, it was Sarah who encouraged me. She said she didn’t like to think of me living on the ranch alone.”

  I have a strange feeling that he has not told me the entire story. But, as I’ve yet to tell Adam my entire story either, I can hardly hold this against him.

  “It was my father who encouraged me to seek a husband out west,” I say. “He thought along the same lines as your sister. He said he hated to see me alone in my room day after day.”

  “It sounds as though our families think alike,” Adam tells me as we reach the barn.

  “That it does.”

  He dismounts from his horse, takes the saddle and sets it aside. I begin to dismount from my own mare when he rushes to my side.

  “Here,” he says, lifting his arms to help me down. I smile in thanks as he wraps his hands gently around my waist and pulls me down from the saddle.

  When I reach the ground, I can’t help but look into his eyes. There is something strange in them as they stare straight back at me. It’s not the hesitant vulnerable look from this morning.

  This is something deeper. Something altogether stranger. It is as if he sees something in me that no one else has ever seen before. It alternately frightens and fascinates me. I am torn by both a desire to turn away from him and a deep longing to stay here in his arms, looking into his eyes forever.

  Soon. Too soon for my liking, Adam turns his eyes back to the ground and takes his hands off my waist.

  I can see color in his cheeks. As though he has embarrassed himself. I can tell immediately that he has shown me something he did not want me to see.

  “We should head back to the house,” he says, taking the saddles in hand and moving them into the barn. I follow, leading Kalissa.