by Nana Malone
“It’s … I don’t know. I said I was sorry, and I could just see how angry he was. And then he kissed me and—”
She grasped my forearm tightly. “Angry boning? I fucking love angry boning. I have been known to pick fights just for angry boning.”
I dropped my voice so that no one would hear and so I could also get her to calm down. “No. Just a really wild make-out. And would you relax? I think it’s just the grief talking. He’s grieving his father, and then here I am reminding him of something that his father lied to him about. It was just confusing. This is a mess. The whole thing is a mess.”
“Oh honey, I wish I could even understand what you’re going through. I wish I could also tell you that this is just a matter of you guys having gotten too close, but I saw you guys in New York. You two—It seemed real.”
I shifted my gaze as I got into position. I looked down at my feet, rocking back and forth. Who was this version of me? I didn’t recognize her. Before, I’d been so sure about everything. Now, I was sure about nothing. “I don’t know if that was real. It felt real, but it couldn’t have been because I wasn’t telling the truth. And for that fact, neither was he. So we were two people lying to each other, which honestly just sucks. So I can’t even begin to say that what I’m feeling right now is even accurate. It just sucks. All of it. I don’t even feel like myself. Since we’ve come back, people treat me like—” I couldn’t find the damn word.
“Like the conquering hero?”
I nodded. “You, at least, have always been good at your job. People expect that. But me? I feel like a fraud. I feel like I’m playing at Royal Guard and because I can’t bear to be separated from him, I’m still keeping up the charade. But sooner or later, everyone is going to see that I’m faking it.”
Ariel took my hand, as we heard the bagpipes start. “You listen to me. This is your life now. If this is the life you want, it’s yours. Calamity Penny, as much as I joke, is gone. I, for one, miss her because she was real. Not quite self-contained. But I understand why you’re like this now. This is the new reality. If you don’t want this, you still have the power to change that. And if you want the guy, make him understand. But you’ve got to just stop torturing yourself. Remember, you are the one in control. This is your destiny. Figure it the fuck out.”
“You always did have a way with pep talks.”
Ariel gave me a grin. “That was one of my finer ones. Now you have to suck it up and make him yours or leave and go be an artist. Or let this be your new life, but do what’s going to actually make you happy. You deserve it.”
“How did I get lucky enough to have a friend like you?”
She shrugged. “Hey, everyone deserves a little excellence in their lives.”
And for the first time in a week, as the bagpipes played and the Royal Guards began their procession, I laughed.
4
Sebastian
“Sebastian, save me.”
All I had to do was reach out into the dark abyss of the choppy water and take his hand … my father’s hand. That was it. But instead, I sat on the boat that was leaking and broken and had splintered parts jutting out. But if I reached out and took his hand, I could save him. I knew it was a dream. I knew I wouldn’t be that lucky. But still, still, I wanted to help. Dream Me didn’t seem to know, but my other consciousness, the one that still carried the pain with me, that part of me knew it was too late. Still, I reached out to the water, our fingers nearly touching as I almost grasped his hand.
I tossed in my bed, willing the dream to change. Willing myself to be able to touch him, to grasp his hand and pull him forward.
“Dad, just take my hand.”
But every time he tried, he would just slip out of my fingers, just like our relationship the last six months. We had just started to get back to a good place where he was the man who I trusted and understood. One I hoped would understand me and the decisions I needed to make. And then he’d been gone right out of my life, as if he’d never been there to begin with.
Then to make the dream even worse, I had to watch the sharks circling back and forth, around and around, and the fear in his eyes, the worry, the concern, and finally the acceptance as he said to me, “You will make a worthy king.” And then something pulled him under.
The reason I knew how the dream ended was I’d been having the same one ever since the Royal Guard showed up at my door to tell me my father was gone. In some versions of the dream, I screamed and screamed and screamed for him, wishing, praying, thrashing and begging for my father to come back. And even though I logically knew I wasn’t screaming out loud, I would always wake up with my voice hoarse and raw as if there were some visceral, ingrained muscle memory of my screams.
But somehow, I never woke up with my father alive and barging into my room as if he owned the joint, which he did. Demanding I do this, or act more royal, or be something. Anything. I would give all my money, and all my photographs, and everything I valued in the world to have that happen again.
As always, I woke with a start, fully aware of where I was, fully aware of what was happening. Sweat clung to my brow, and my breath came out in ragged, harsh pants. Every night I had this dream. Every night, I would lose him all over again.
I scrubbed a hand over my face. “Damn it.” Why couldn’t I shake the dream? I knew he was gone. I knew it.
It’s called grief, you wanker.
I knew I should see someone on staff or something. Talk to someone. But there hadn’t really been time. From the moment I found out that I was now the king regent, I could feel it: the stress and the tension forever my shadow, following me, taunting that I would fuck this all up, let my people down, and disappoint my father. And there was no shaking it. I drew my sheets off my legs and stood. When I went over to the balcony, I couldn’t help myself. My glance automatically turned to the southeast. From here, I could see her home. I’d never known to look over there before, but now that I did, it was all I could do. I spent half my days trying not to look in that direction, pretending I wasn’t looking for her in the crowd. It was a problem, because I knew I couldn’t have her.
You don’t want her. Yes, that too. She was a liar. She’d lied to me, and she’d hurt me.
But how much of that was under the orders of my father?
I shook off the thought. I just wanted to rewind the clock and go back in time. Go back one month and pretend I was that guy again, completely normal, just trying to do my thing, and in love with a girl who I wanted to take home to meet my father.
But you’re not that man. That man no longer exists. The only person who exists now is the king.
* * *
Penny
“You need to understand the mission.”
I blinked at my mother and then slid my glance over to Ariel. “Yes, I understand. We sneak in the back. You take the alarms offline. Ariel will hand off the vial to Jacob. I will break into the secure storage section.” I pointed on the map. “Then I take the contents of unit 867 and put them in here.” I held up the cooler full of dry ice. “Then we drive like a bat out of hell to the airstrip.”
My mother nodded. “You two okay?”
Ariel shrugged. “Oh you know … it’s just every day we commit treason by stealing the former king’s blood. #NBD. I just hope the prison uniforms won’t clash with my hair.”
My mother tried hard for a stern look, but her eyes still danced. “At least I look good in orange. And I feel like I’d be head bitch soon enough.”
“Could you two maybe not be so cavalier about dungeon time? Thanks.”
My mother shook her head. “I have seen no evidence of there being actual dungeons. You father offered to show me once, but I’m pretty sure he just wanted in my pants at the time.”
Ew. “Mom!”
“What? I’m just saying we’ve always had a very active—”
I slapped my hands over my ears. “La, la, la, la.”
Ariel laughed and did a quick weapons check even though we s
houldn’t need them. “Doesn’t bother me, Mama. I think your parents are hot, Penny.”
“Just … Are you two conspiring to gross me to death?”
My mother’s chuckle made her seem years younger. “Maybe a little. Are you two ready?”
Thank God. A change of topic. Ariel showed her the buttons to push once we were inside to take the alarms offline. When she was done, my mother took a deep breath. “Remember this is not officially on the books, so sweetheart, make sure no one sees you. We don't want the wrong kind of questions, and you don't want to be seen anywhere near storage.”
“Got it, Mom.” I gritted my teeth and slid a glance to my friend, who tried to look at anything but me.
My mother gave me a curt nod. “I’m sorry. I don’t need to mother you. This is just important. And here. Take a gun.” She pulled out the small Glock 26 and handed it to me.
I blinked at her. “Do I really need this?”
“Well sweetheart, I never go anywhere without my gun. And considering that someone shot at you while you were in New York and tried to dose the crown prince with some unknown substance while he was in your care, I just feel like it’s better to be safe than sorry.”
Ariel opened the door and grumbled as she let herself out. “And here we were looking for some kind of assurance.”
I followed close behind her and looked toward the nondescript medical building where most people on the main island came to get test results or blood work done for various reasons.
“Yeah, that’s my parents for you, but lately, they’re all out of the warm fuzzies. It’s like all of a sudden, when I’m finally the golden child, now they have to be all dour and sour-pussy and gun-toting.”
Ariel chuckled. “Come on, you can’t say that wasn’t totally badass that your mom pulled out her piece. She’s my hero.”
I had to laugh too. “She’s kinda mine too.”
It turned out that for all my mother’s clandestine moves, evasive driving, and gun-strapping in the car, getting inside was easy. Simple. At the back door there was a woman waiting. We asked for Jacob, and we were taken right to him. Easy peasy. He seemed to know exactly what to do because he took the envelope from Ariel and nodded.
“Okay, so when do we come back for it?”
“I’ll call you. It shouldn’t take too long. I understand the urgency, and I’ll have a preliminary confirmation for your father in days. But the full gamut of testing will take longer because of having to verify the sample. I know what your father suspects so we will test against everything we can think of. I’ll make sure it’s put into Ethan’s hands directly.”
I frowned. I knew how important it was, and for him to need to see my father directly meant it was extremely serious. “Is it better if we come back to collect it?”
He shook his head. “No, you’ll be a lot more conspicuous than I will.”
Next to me, Ariel shifted on her feet. “I’m sorry, but can I just ask the obvious question? What the hell is it that is in that vial?”
Jacob shook his head. “I think to tell you would be treason. Now I think you want to take that exit.” He inclined his head to what was clearly marked a secure area. Ariel took that moment to text my mother the code, and we waited until we got the return code before moving.
Jacob quickly checked his surroundings before ducking back into one of the side doors.
I wasted no time. We had five minutes before the alarms would automatically turn back on. I acted as the lookout while Ariel worked to decrypt the electronic keypad. The seconds ticked by, and I tried the best I could to be inconspicuous. Finally, the lights on the keypad went green, and Ariel shuffled me in and stayed outside to be the lookout.
I wasn’t sure what I was expecting, but the place looked normal. Like a lab, I guess. There were rows and rows of glass-enclosed storage facilities. I went to the one we were looking for, typed in the code my father had given me, and opened it.
When all was said and done, we were risking everything for four vials of blood. I carefully placed them in the cooler, and then shut the storage container and closed and locked the cooler I held. It could only be opened by Blake Security now.
I was out the door in a flash, and Ariel was pacing in front of it. She tapped her watch when she saw me, and I shrugged. I knew we were pressed for time and didn’t need her to remind me.
As we passed the hallway where we’d entered, I saw the back of someone with a familiar gait. Blindly, I shoved Ariel to the nearest open door.
“Jesus, Penny, what the fuck?” she said a little too loudly.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I clamped a hand over her mouth. “Be quiet.”
The footsteps stopped abruptly. I prayed that I wouldn’t hear them come toward us. I held my breath even as Ariel was flashing me her I-will-kill-you look. But I shook my head sharply and held her still.
I quietly counted thirty seconds, then forty five, and I did a full three minutes before I removed my hand. When I opened my eyes, as if closing them would stop who I thought it was from coming down the hallway, I saw a mirror in one of the lab rooms. It was one of the security mirrors that allowed you to see who was coming down the hall and around the corner. There was no one in the hall. Thank God.
Ariel glared at me. “What the fuck?”
“Robert. I just saw Robert.”
Her brows furrowed. “What the hell is going on? First, it was the Charlie’s Angels routine with your mom. Well, actually, first was your father going all Mission: Impossible on us. Are we weaponizing Ebola or something?”
“No, but I think we are doing something to preserve the monarchy. I don’t know. I’m just following orders right now and trying to keep my job, so let’s go.”
Once outside, we climbed into the car, and somehow I felt like we’d made a narrow escape. The drive to the private airstrip was mostly silent. The handoff to Blake Security was received by that big Viking guy. He flirted shamelessly with my mother and flashed the kind of grin made to melt panties before returning to his stoic Viking form.
It was uncanny just how attractive he was without the smile. With the smile, he managed to render even my mother momentarily stupid. It was a wonder he didn’t do it more often. And then he was all business again. Once we signed the appropriate papers and my mother handed him a letter, we were on the road again.
It wasn’t until we reached the palace when I asked, “Hey Mom, did Dad send in Robert on another mission too?”
She lifted a brow. “Robert?”
“Yeah. I only saw him for a second, but I’m pretty sure it was him.”
“No, as far as I know, your father only sent us. But I’ll check in with him and see if Robert is on the need-to-know list.”
On our way back to Ariel’s, she asked in a hushed tone, “Any idea what your ex was doing at the lab at nine o’clock at night? You know, after business hours?”
“No. None.”
We made a left at the queen’s personal garden, the one that led directly to her quarters, and I couldn’t help the quick glance toward Sebastian’s quarters.
I could feel Ariel’s gaze on me. “So, are you ever going to tell him that you love him?”
Even the words pierced through my heart like a jagged knife. “No, he doesn’t want to hear it. Nor is it very good for either one of us, so I think I’ll just keep that to myself.”
“What about that girl who once told me to seize life by the balls and go after what I wanted?”
God, had I given her that advice? I had no idea what I was talking about. “You know what? I was wrong. I lied. That was really shitty advice. Listen, the Robert thing … ” I didn’t want to tell her, but I needed to. “It wasn’t just that I caught him kissing someone. I caught him kissing another guy, okay?”
Ariel’s jaw dropped, and she stood rooted to the pathway. “What?”
“Keep your voice down,” I whispered through clenched teeth.
“When?”
“Look, it was after my birthda
y. I ran into him, and instead of being excited to see me, he was lip-locked with another dude. So that was sort of the catalyst for my whole run-to-New-York-and-have-an-adventure thing. You know, seizing life by the balls and whatnot. More like, I cut off the balls and went away with them. It was probably not the best plan. Then I went and fell in love with someone I can’t have. So, you know, I wouldn’t listen to me when it comes to love advice.”
“You need to tell me who.”
My heart squeezed as I thought about my brother. I couldn’t out him, not even to Ariel. It didn’t matter what he’d done to me. “No. It doesn’t matter. Robert doesn’t matter to me anymore. Knowing now how I can feel about someone else, I’m not sure he ever did matter.”
5
Sebastian
Two weeks later
* * *
Two weeks, three days and about four hours since I'd last seen Len. Penny damn it. Her name is Penny. Every time I thought about her, my chest tightened. The first time it happened, I was sure I was having a heart attack, like my father.
And when I thought of my father ... Ah, there it was: despair, coupled with overwhelming grief. We hadn't seen eye to eye, especially at the end, but fuck, I missed him. Nine months ago, I'd left home thinking I knew everything, but once I was home, I realized I knew nothing. And I had no one to guide me.
I had a whole country depending on me to know things, to lead them through this horrible time. My father had been loved by all, and I needed to step into his shoes, but I was ill-equipped. Somehow being a fuckboy didn’t lend well to leading. I’d always liked civics, and I’d excelled at it. But the number of daily meetings was a drain. Still though, they were a decent enough distraction to keep me from thinking too much and to keep me from doing the same thing I’d done at the church.
What I wanted to do was drown everything in a bottle of scotch. Forget. Pretend I would wake up and have my father back and Len in my arms. I needed her more than ever now. But she's gone.
