What the Heart Wants: A Pride Story

by D. C. Williams

  After he ended the conversation with Kev, he called Emily up and asked her if she wanted to hang out the next day. He walked over to her house, and then they headed over to the little nearby park with the ducks. Will had grabbed a small sketchbook and a charcoal pencil and was mostly pretending to draw waterfowl.

  They talked about nothing very important for a while, and then Will suddenly blurted out, “I’m gay.”

  “I figured,” she said. “Is your mom still riding you because you don’t have a girlfriend?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You could tell her you’re thinking about entering the priesthood.”

  “Oh my fucking god, no!” He stuck his tongue out at her. “Do you want to come to my dad’s birthday barbecue and be my pretend not-girlfriend?”

  “When you put it that way, how can I say no? You don’t have a boyfriend who’s gonna get upset, do you?”

  “Nope. Late bloomer all the way, that’s me. There’s one guy I kind of like, but he thinks he’s much too old for me, so we’re kind of friends.”

  “Older than Dean?”

  “Wa-a-ay older than Dean. Like older than my dad, old.”

  She made a little face. “Probably he’s right, then, but you’ll meet someone. College. Hot guys.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  “One of the guys in Dean’s band is bi.”

  “No! I’m not that desperate.” Will had never met the guys in Dean’s band, but he’d heard their music.

  “Okay, but let me know if you’re interested and we can hook you up.”

  “Thanks, I guess.”

  * * * *

  His mother wasn’t thrilled by the news that he was bringing Emily, but her little shrug was mostly resigned. Will messaged Kev about it, and they chatted for a few minutes.

  His Dad’s birthday came and went. He put his arm self-consciously around Emily at the party for a few minutes, causing her to giggle uncontrollably. His hand accidentally brushed her breast, and he pulled it away immediately. She mock-scowled at him and said, “Out of bounds, Connolly.”

  “Christ, I know that,” he whispered in her hear. “It was an accident.”

  “No kidding. I’m teasing you,” she whispered back. “That really does freak you out, huh?”

  “Yeah,” he whispered, nodding. He wasn’t telling her, but even that tiny brush just felt squishy and wrong. He was having trouble imagining why anyone would want to do that on purpose.

  It was late when the party was over, but when he turned on his computer and logged into Facebook, he pulled down the chat list and saw a little green dot next to Kevin Barnes.

  Do you have a few?

  Sure, kid. Party tonight?

  Yeah.

  How was it?

  Okay, I guess. My dad had a good time.

  That’s what it’s about. Did you?

  Sort of.

  Your friend hung out?

  Yeah. Kind of helped, but it felt stupid, kind of pretending I liked her that way. I know girls don’t turn me on. At all. The idea of it actually seems kind of gross. Not her as a person, but sex stuff.

  That’s okay. Some guys feel that way about it.

  You?

  Not quite like that. Years and years ago, I dated a couple of women. Had a girlfriend in college.

  Will wondered if Kev had slept with them. Wasn’t that less common in those days? He typed. Not being nosy, but you were with them? Like all the way.

  Yes. It wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t what I wanted. I almost married the girl I was with in college, but I knew it was a mistake. And that was a long time ago. I’ve only known a couple of men I thought really were bisexual, and I know I’m not one of them.

  Me either.

  Really? I never would have guessed.

  Will laughed out loud at that, and kept up the online banter for fifteen minutes or so, then said goodnight and logged off.

  * * * *

  He regularly chatted with Kev on Facebook for the rest of the summer with an email or two thrown in for good measure. When Kev mentioned a Jeff Koons exhibit at the Whitney he was thinking about going to see, Will remarked that it sounded pretty cool, and Kev asked if he’d like to go. Will put in for a Saturday off, and the week before he left for freshman orientation he rode the bus into the city and met Kev outside the museum.

  They spent the afternoon at the exhibit, had a late lunch that Kev insisted on paying for, and walked through the park, talking and enjoying each other’s company.

  Chapter Three

  Will left for freshman orientation at the end of August. He had thought about coming out to his parents, but decided not to yet. He had talked to Kev about it, and the older man thought it was simpler, and possibly safer, for Will not to do it right now, and that it wasn’t really being dishonest to take his time and wait until he was ready.

  The first few days after his parents left him at school were a little weird, but he got into the groove of campus life fairly quickly. His room-mate was a stoner who patently didn’t care who or what Will did, and that helped him relax a little about this new, potentially out, stage of his life. The second week of classes he showed up at a Gay-Straight alliance meeting, and it was okay. He went to the mixer, talked with a couple of people, and tried not to obsess about everyone in the room knowing he was gay.

  A couple of days after that, one of the guys from the mixer, Aiden, came up to his table in the cafeteria and asked to join him. Aiden was also eighteen, from Massachusetts, and had been out in high school. Will guessed Aiden wasn’t a virgin, and after a couple of meals together in the cafeteria and a walk into town to get coffee, Will readily agreed to go up to Aiden’s room and “hang out . ”

  Aiden had Irish-pale skin with freckles across the bridge of his nose and huge, limpid green eyes. His dark hair was longish and he had violet and green streaks in the front along with little silver gauges in his ears. Naked, he was even skinnier than Will, with a couple of tribal tattoos and a tiny pink triangle on his upper back.

  Will didn’t mention that he was a virgin, hadn’t even really been kissed before, and Aiden didn’t ask any questions. Will was as turned on as he was nervous, and he didn’t last long during what turned out to be a few frantic moments of naked kissing, hands on each other’s dicks. Aiden took a few minutes longer while Will stroked his long skinny cock, amazed by how much it felt both like and unlike his own.

  Afterwards, Aiden drifted off to sleep and Will got dressed and went back to his own room. He’d only talked to Kev in chat a couple of times since he’d gotten to school, but now he went onto Facebook and pulled up the chat list to see if the older man was on the internet.

  Hey, Kev.

  Hi, kid. What’s up?

  Little less of a virgin.

  Ah. He’s cute?

  Yes. Will knew he was, although he was also pretty sure that Aiden wasn’t really his type.

  You like him?

  He’s a nice guy.

  Good to know, but that doesn’t really answer the question.

  Aiden was interesting. He had a ready, sarcastic wit. He loved Miyazaki films and he had told Will a funny story about his aunt taking him to see “Spirited Away” before he was really old enough for it. He was a Lit major, but he liked to draw and he thought Will’s work was awesome. Not only was Will not in love with him, he was pretty sure that was never going to happen. He didn’t think Aiden was looking for that to happen either. I do, but.

  Lots of time for “but’. Don’t sweat it if you’re having fun and not misleading anyone.

  Yeah, it was fun. And awkward, and terrifying, and exhilarating and Will couldn’t wait to do it again.

  * * * *

  He fooled around with Aiden a couple more times, gradually becoming aware that the chemistry wasn’t really there, no matter how smart or funny he was. Will hadn’t seen him at the gay-straight alliance, but one of the guys from his basic comp class, Preston, got kind of flirty and they wound up in Will’s room after a par
ty one night at the end of September.

  The heat that was missing in the encounters with Aiden was definitely present, and Preston took what was left of Will’s virginity, casually pulling a strip of condoms and a couple of little packs of lube out of his jacket pocket. He came home on the weekend a couple of times, and in October he spent a Saturday afternoon in the city with Kev, walking around Central Park after a brief visit to the Guggenheim, talking about Will’s nascent love life and Wright’s long, chameleon-like career after Kev had made a casual remark about the institution being more successful as a building than a museum.. They had a late lunch at the Boathouse and it was after eight by the time he got home. His mom asked a couple of pointed questions, but accepted that he’d wanted to visit a museum.

  And then it was Thanksgiving.

  Chapter Four

  Will caught a ride down to Jersey with a friend of his roommate’s who lived in his dorm on Wednesday afternoon and his mother drove up to Mahwah to get him, complaining about the traffic on 287 the entire time. A guy who’d graduated the year before he did was having a little get-together and his mom didn’t protest too much when he went out. Emily was there with the infamous Dean, along with Don and Trev and a couple of other people he didn’t mind hanging out with.

  Thanksgiving Day started out okay, with pancakes and the parade on TV. His mom was giving Brittany a hard time about still being in her pajamas when she wanted help in the kitchen and Will jumped in to assist while Britt showered. His dad was hiding somewhere and he wasn’t much of a hand in the kitchen anyway.

  When Britt was dressed, she set the table per their mother’s exacting instructions, and they were pretty much ready to go when his Aunt Betty and her family turned up, bearing bottles of wine and boxes of chocolate and a very large casserole dish full of lasagna. His mother sniffed a little at the lasagna, which wasn’t something she made for Thanksgiving but Betty’s husband Joe loved having on the holiday. The pasta even made it onto the bottom rack of the oven to reheat after the turkey came out.

  Once they were all seated and had said grace his mom remarked, “I need my helpers to switch roles all the time. Britt set the table this year and Will was in the kitchen with me.”

  “I kind of like cooking,” Will remarked, taking a sip out of what he thought was likely going to be his only glass of wine.

  “Good,” said his Aunt Betty. “Men should know their way around the kitchen. Not good to be useless in there, because you don’t want to get married just so you don’t starve.”

  “Not all women can cook,” said Will.

  “True,” said Uncle Joe, “and I’m not useless,” laughing.

  “No, you can grill water and boil a steak,” retorted Aunt Betty.

  “I’m a little better than that,” said Joe, “but it is handy to know what you’re doing. I swear my dad remarried just so he didn’t have to eat his own cooking.”

  Aunt Betty made a face and said, “That explains a lot.”

  “I may not get married,” said Will.

  “Of course you’re going to get married,” said his mother. “I bet they’re all over you up at school, not like the one with the awful hair.”

  “She’s a friend,” said Will, “and her hair’s not awful.”

  His mother continued, and Will realized that she sounded slightly desperate, “Still we’d like to meet your girlfriends, even if they’re not serious.”

  His dad was shoveling in turkey and pretty much ignoring the exchange, his aunt and uncle looked a little uneasy, Britt was rolling her eyes, and his little cousins weren’t paying any more attention than his dad was.

  “I don’t have a girlfriend,” said Will.

  “You’re not seeing anyone?” His mother seemed to be grasping at straws.

  Will took a very large gulp of wine because he was done with this and it was time to rip off the band-aid. “I have a boyfriend.”

  His mother gasped and said, “That’s not funny, Will.” His aunt reached out and grasped his hand and squeezed.

  Will drained his glass and said, “It may not be funny, but it is true. I’m gay, and I’m tired of you carrying on about the girlfriend I’m never going to have.”

  His mother made a horrible hiccupping noise, stood up, and fled the room, throwing her napkin down on her plate. Betty rose and followed her, squeezing Will’s shoulder briefly.

  His dad sighed, took another bite of turkey, and said, “You had to do this now? On a holiday.”

  “I had to do it sometime,” said Will.

  “She knew,” said Britt. “I don’t know if you did, Dad, but I pretty much did, and why do you think she kept asking him about girls?”

  “Maybe,” said his Dad. “Will, you should probably go talk to a priest. Or maybe a psychiatrist.”

  Joe refilled Will’s glass. “I think you need this. Dave?” He waved the bottle toward Will’s dad’s glass, and his dad nodded.

  Will took a healthy drink as his mother and Aunt Betty returned. “We’ll deal with this later,” she said. Her eyes were red.

  Neither Will nor his mom ate much, although Joe refilled his glass again, and kept his mother supplied. When the main part of the meal was over , his dad and uncle wandered off to the family room to watch football, along with his cousins. He and Britt started to clear without being asked, ferrying dishes into the kitchen.

  His mother had another glass of wine and was staring out the window blankly. “I can’t talk about this now,” she said, as he loaded the dishwasher.

  “Okay.”

  “I think,” her voice caught, “after dessert, maybe it’s better if you don’t stay here this weekend. Betty and Joe will take you with them.”

  His aunt came up behind him and gave him another one of those reassuring squeezes on the shoulder, grounding him, because he just wanted to yell, “Really Mom, it’s not that big of a fucking deal!” and he knew she wouldn’t listen to him, at least not right now.

  “You can come home with us,” she said, “or we’ll take you to a friend’s house. Whichever you prefer.”

  He nodded. “Thanks, Aunt Betty.” Their house was tiny. He’d be sleeping on the couch. The guy he’d caught a ride with could probably give him crash space, but he wasn’t making his aunt and uncle drive all the way to Mahwah, and he knew who he wanted to talk to. “Let me text someone, and I’m probably going to have you drop me where I can catch a bus into the city.”

  She nodded. “We’ll do you better than that and take you to Metropark so you can get a train. Just let us know. Your boyfriend?”

  His mother made a sad, disgusted little noise.

  “No, just a friend. My boyfriend’s not local.” Preston lived in New Hampshire, and they hadn’t really had that conversation yet, anyway.

  Will went up to his room and repacked the backpack he’d brought with him, making sure he had his laptop and chargers, and texted Kev.

  Hi, Kev. Can I ask u a favor?

  Sure.

  Anyway I can crash for a couple of days?

  Of course. You okay? Can you take a call?

  Yeah.

  Will’s phone rang a moment later. Kev’s voice was full of concern. “What’s up, kid?”

  “Came out to my parents.”

  “Didn’t go well, I take it.”

  “Not really.”

  “Did they throw you out?”

  “I don’t think so, but my mom wants me to stay somewhere else the rest of the weekend. My aunt and uncle would take me home with them if you can’t put me up.”

  Kev let out a breath. “I can, but I’m glad they’re willing.”

  “Yeah, they’ll drop me at Metropark and I’ll grab a train. We’re leaving right after my uncle gets some pie.”

  “Call me when you’re on your way, and I’ll meet you at Penn.”

  Chapter Five

  Will ate two pieces of pie, because he needed something to soak up the wine, and the pastry and sugar tasted better than anything he’d tried to eat at dinner. They
left right after dessert, Will squashed in the backseat with his cousins. His aunt drove. When they got to the train station his uncle got out of the car. “Take care of yourself, Will. Text your aunt when you get to your friend’s, and keep in touch. Hopefully your mom will come around in a few days.” Will nodded. She might. His dad had barely said two words to him before he left. “I know this isn’t fair, but it’s hard on them.”

  “Yeah, but you and Betty wouldn’t be like that if it was Jilly or Jon.”

  “No, we wouldn’t, and I wish it wasn’t like this, but they’re hurting too.”

  His uncle hugged him and pressed a fifty in his hand which he refused to take back.

  Trains weren’t exactly frequent on Thanksgiving night, but he only had to wait about twenty minutes, and he called Kev as soon as he was in a seat. He was standing by the stairs when Will made his way up from the platform, and gave him a hug. His arms felt good. Maybe a little too good, since he knew how Kev felt about not making any moves on Will, and he wasn’t sure if he and Preston were exclusive or not.

  “Are you alright, kid?”

  “Yeah, just tired. It wasn’t good but I don’t think I’m actually kicked out for real.”

  “I hope not. Nobody hit or threatened you?”

  “No!” His response was a little loud. “Just,” he shrugged, “I think my mom was crying, and my dad’s not exactly thrilled either. How was it when you came out to your parents?”

  “I never really did,” said Kev. They walked towards the subway entrance. “Things were different then. I’m not sure my dad ever figured it out before he died, but I know my mom knew, although I never made a big deal of it. My brother and sister know, but I never told them formally.”

  “Should I have just let it go?”

  “Not if you felt you couldn’t. Was your mom asking about girlfriends again?”