Broken Fairytales

by Monica Alexander

“Would you cheat on Amy?” I asked.

  “Amy?” Chase asked, as if it was the strangest notion in world. “No way.

  “Then why are you telling me it’s okay to cheat!” I asked, incredulously.

  “Because, the only person you’ve ever dated is D-bag Ben. I have had many girlfriends. You need to expand your horizons. Besides, no one will ever know.”

  “I guess,” I said, not entirely convinced that what he was saying was true.

  “Don’t guess,” he said, taking a deep drag off his cigarette. “Just do.”

  How ironic that he was giving me the same advice as Zack.

  “Yeah, I think I’ve heard that before.”

  But it was easier said than done. Once I cheated, that would be it. Ben and I would be over. I would have to tell him, have to break up with him. He wouldn’t be my boyfriend anymore, and we certainly wouldn’t be getting engaged after graduation. How did I feel about that?

  “It’s good advice,” Chase said, stubbing his cigarette out in the sand and burying the butt.

  Pushing the unsavory thought from my mind, I changed the subject.

  “You’ve really had tons of girlfriends?” I asked, wondering how it was that I knew so little about someone I shared DNA with.

  Of course we had lived in different cities for three years, but still, I saw him at holidays. I would have thought he’d have mentioned something to the family at some point.

  “Sure,” he said, as he piled a mound of sand over his buried cigarette.

  “How come you’ve never talked about these girlfriends?”

  “I did, you just never chose to listen.”

  “That’s not true,” I said, slightly offended by his dig.

  “Emily, before this summer you were incredibly self-absorbed. You never bothered to look past your own personal drama to see what was going on around you. You wrote me off, labeled me as an asshole and left it at that.”

  “You were an asshole!” I said, my voice raising an octave.

  “No, I’ve always been the same person. You just never took the time to step out of who you’d become to see it. I’m not like you and your friends, and I have no desire to be. I’m okay with not being popular or even well-liked, but for you, it’s like a crutch, and it’s been that way since you hit high school. You define yourself by how other people view you. You’re terrified of anyone seeing you as less than perfect, so you walk around trying to please everyone and always do the right thing. It’s actually made you a pretty hateful person.”

  “I’m not hateful,” I interjected. “I’m the nice girl. Everyone knows it. Rachel’s the sarcastic, bad girl, and I’m the sweet, nice girl.”

  Chase raised his eyebrows. “Is that what you think?”

  “Yeah,” I said, suddenly losing my confidence.

  “You can keep telling yourself that, but I don’t think you’re as sweet as you think you are. You’re pretty good at being a bitch when you want to be.”

  “That’s just you’re opinion, because you and I have never gotten along.”

  “Maybe so, but I wouldn’t be so sure. Did I mention that in addition to being hateful that you’re also pretty hated?”

  My head was spinning at his words. What he was saying couldn’t be true? I wasn’t hated. Sure maybe people were jealous of me, but they didn’t hate me. Okay, so maybe I hadn’t kept in touch with my high school friends as much as I should have, but is that really a reason to hate a person?

  “Who hates me?” I demanded.

  Chase just laughed, got up and dusted the sand off of his black cargo shorts, shaking his head as he walked away. “Don’t worry about it,” he called over his shoulder. “It doesn’t matter, Em.”

  “Chase! Who hates me,” I called after him, but he didn’t respond.

  ***

  It was raining again, and I sat on the swing on the front porch watching the rain soak the lawn as I rocked back and forth, hugging my knees to my chest and wishing Rachel was there with me. Keely had gone to a movie with Keg Boy, and Chase and Molly had left for Raleigh that afternoon. They were spending three days at some music festival, so Molly could scout bands. Even though she was on the island for the summer, she still had to work on occasion, which mostly meant listening to prospective bands when they played nearby. Her boss was really laid back, so he let her work when she could. Since there was some sort of showcase happening, she’d decided to take advantage of the opportunity and see as many bands as possible. Chase had agreed to go with her, and I half-wondered if something might happen between them while they were away together.

  With all my friends gone for the night, I was left to either hang out with my mom who I still wasn’t getting along great with or sit and stew alone with my issues. I chose to stew, so of course what Chase had said was eating away at me. I was irritated that I wasn’t able to let go of what he’d said, and truthfully, it had been bugging me all day. I decided to call Rachel to see what she was up to.

  “I think Chase is going to sleep with Molly,” I blurted out five minutes into the conversation.

  “Seriously?!” Rachel said with more emotion than was probably necessary.

  “Yeah, they went away together for a few days, and they’re sharing a hotel room, so it’s pretty inevitable. Sucks for Amy.”

  “I can’t believe he’s going to cheat on his girlfriend,” she said, suddenly much quieter. “I thought he really liked her.”

  “I’m sure he did, but she’s not here, so I guess he’s fulfilling his guy needs or something. Sucks to be her. Whatever, I’m sort of pissed at him anyway.”

  There was silence on her Rachel’s end, so I assumed she was processing what I’d said about being pissed at Chase.

  “Rachel?” I asked when she didn’t respond after at least a minute.

  “What?” she asked, the irritation apparent in her voice.

  Something was definitely distracting her. Maybe she was fearful that Michael would follow Chase’s lead and cheat on her. After all, they were in similar long distance situation that summer. I hoped he wouldn’t do that, because I might have to kick his ass.

  “Do people hate me?” I asked, choosing a different tactic and hoping I could distract her the same time.

  “What? Which people?”

  “I don’t know, people in general,” I said in exasperation.

  “Probably,” she said nonchalantly, like it was no big deal. “Where is this coming from?”

  “Chase,” I said through gritted teeth. Now she would know why I was pissed at him.

  Rachel sighed. “I’m going to kill that boy when I see him next,” she finally said, which I thought was a little extreme, but I appreciated her solidarity. “What did he say?”

  I recapped my earlier conversation with Chase for her to which she sighed and exerted the appropriate amount of exasperation toward my callous brother.

  “Em, just let it go,” she said, sounding tired all of a sudden. “It’s not a big deal if people don’t like you.”

  “It is to me,” I insisted. “I was voted “Nicest” in the senior superlatives. Apparently people liked me back in high school. What changed? Have I changed? Do I need to know something?”

  “Em, all you need to know if that I love you, and your friends love you. Who cares what everyone else thinks.”

  “I do!”

  “Why?”

  I sighed. “I don’t know.”

  And I really I wasn’t sure why I was so hung up on the fact that people I went to high school with had changed their opinion of me.

  “Sweetie, you’ve got to develop a thicker skin if you’re going to make it in New York.”

  “Ha, ha,” I said, loving the way she strategically plugged New York into our conversation. She had been doing it at least once a week since she’d initially mentioned it, but as long as I was with Ben, New York wasn’t an option for me after graduation. “Seriously though, what have you heard? I’ll let it go, I just need to know.”

  “Em, you’re
so sweet and nice and selfless, and that’s why we all love you, but you have sort of had this little habit of discounting people who aren’t like you. You almost look down on them, and kind of judge what’s on the surface, instead of getting to know the person they really are. So your friends have always adored you, but not everyone else. It’s sort of gotten a little worse since we’ve been in college.”

  I sucked in a deep breath. “That sucks,” I said, trusting that Rachel wouldn’t lie to me. “So, I’m a mean girl?”

  “Yeah, sort of.”

  Shit.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?!” I gasped. I couldn’t believe I’d been waltzing through life not knowing I was a total bitch to people. How could I have not seen that? Granted, I’d always been a bitch to Chase and his friends, but I didn’t think that extended to anyone else.

  “You were happy. I didn’t want to burst your bubble. Besides, what does it matter what people you aren’t friends with think about you?”

  “It matters! I want to work in PR. It’s a big deal if people think I’m elitist and judgmental.”

  “If it’s any consolation, you’ve changed a lot this summer. And I think it’s all for the good.”

  “But I can’t fix the past, can I?”

  “No, but if you focus on just being more open in the future, people will see that you’ve changed. This isn’t the end of the world, you know.”

  “I guess,” I said, biting my lip. “But I think I’ve turned into new kind of bitch, and that might be the end of the world.”

  “What do you mean?”

  I sighed, thinking about Ben and what Chase had said about no one knowing I’d kissed Zack. It wasn’t like Rachel would say anything, but once I told her, it would be out there. She hung out with Ben. What if she was drunk and let it slip? No, she wouldn’t do that. Rachel was a good drunk and a great secret keeper.

  “I cheated on Ben,” I deadpanned.

  “Say what?” she asked, and I could hear her sitting up straighter. For the first time throughout the whole I conversation, I finally felt like I had her full attention.

  “You heard me.”

  “Define cheated.”

  “I kissed another guy – that really cute guy from the coffeehouse that plays guitar. I told you about him. His name is Zack, and he’s – I don’t know how to describe him. He’s like a conundrum – he’s a total bad boy on the outside, but he almost hast his really sweet side too. I don’t know what his deal is, but I can’t stay away from him.” I sighed. “It’s bad.”

  Rachel gasped on her end, and I thought it was a strange reaction, but then she didn’t say anything else.

  “Rach?”

  “Oh, my God!” she squealed, and I was completely thrown off, because in fifteen years, I don’t think I’d ever once heard Rachel squeal. Maybe she was as shocked as I was that I had actually cheated on Ben.

  “I know, right,” I said. “So, what should I do?”

  “Huh?” Rachel asked then.

  “What?”

  “Em, hang on,” she said, and I heard her put the phone down.

  All I could hear were muffled sounds and more squealing. I wasn’t sure what was going on. My news wasn’t that big of a deal.

  After a few minutes Rachel came back on the line sounding breathless. “Em, let me call you back, okay?”

  “Um, okay, but I’m kind of in a quandary here, and I need by best friend’s sage advice.”

  “Michael’s here,” she said, the glee positively oozing out of her voice. “He just walked in and totally surprised the shit out of me.”

  I could hear her projecting that last part of her statement to Michael, but it was in a completely endearing way. She was totally smitten with this guy, and my heart sank just a little. I missed feeling that way about a guy.

  “Aww, how cute is he?” I said, forgetting completely about my own personal drama for a minute.

  “He’s so freakin’ cute,” she said, and I could tell she wasn’t speaking to me.

  I had to assume all her fears that Michael would cheat flew out the window since he was standing in her bedroom.

  “Have fun,” I said, deciding to let her go enjoy her time with her new guy. “Call me when you’re sober.”

  “I’m not drunk,” she started to say, and then she laughed. “Oh, that’s funny. I totally get it. Love you, babe.”

  “Love you too” I said, and I hung up the phone smiling. At least one of us knew what she wanted.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Two nights later, I still couldn’t get Zack out of my head, but I hadn’t seen him since the night we kissed, so I was stewing. Leo called to see if I wanted to go to a party with him and his sister Reagan, who was a junior at the University of Georgia and actually a lot like me. I’d hung out with her a few nights that week, and she was a sweet girl, but shy and sort of reserved. I’d liked her instantly.

  Feeling a surge of confidence, I went out on a limb and asked Leo if Zack would be at the party. I’d artfully avoided bringing him up the past few nights as my eyes had scanned the parties we’d gone to, looking for him and craving his voice wrapped around the lyrics of my favorite songs, but he had been MIA.

  At that point, I didn’t care if Leo knew I sort of liked Zack, so I just asked. He was silent for a few beats, obviously pondering what my question meant, but he didn’t pry. When he told me Zack wasn’t going out that night, I decided to stay home too. I was thinking about curling up with a book and going to bed early. Even though I hadn’t done much drinking the past two nights, since Zack’s words about drowning my sorrows in alcohol were running around in my mind mocking me, I’d still stayed out late, so I was tired.

  The rain had finally cleared, so I decided to take a walk after dinner. I put my ear buds in, letting Mat Kearney take me away as I trudged down the beach, taking in the sunset and the cool night air that was settling in. I’d gotten a good half mile from our house before I saw Zack sitting on the beach alone, knees drawn up to his chest, staring out at the ocean. He didn’t see me, so I walked the twenty feet or so up to where he was sitting and stopped in front of him. It was a good thirty seconds before he acknowledged my presence.

  “Hey,” he said, pushing his sunglasses up to the top of his head as he flashed me a weak smile.

  It definitely wasn’t bright enough for sunglasses, but then I realized why he’d been wearing them. I might have been mistaken, but it looked like he’d been crying. His eyes were red-rimmed, and he looked utterly defeated. Gone was the cocky, confident guy from the party.

  “What are you doing out here?”

  He shrugged. “I just needed to get away.” He seemed to need to get away a lot. “What are you doing?”

  “Just taking a walk. It’s a nice night.”

  He nodded, but I wasn’t so sure he agreed with me.

  “Do you want some company?” I asked, hoping I wasn’t intruding, but I was sure if I was, Zack would tell me.

  “Sure,” he said in that non-emotional way of his I’d heard a few times when we’d talked.

  So I sat down. We sat in silence for a few moments, just watching the waves roll in and out. Then Zack suddenly changed, and he seemed happy. It was as if he’d flipped a switch and Coffeehouse Guy was back. He leaned back on his hands and looked over at me.

  “I was wondering when I’d see you again,” he said, smirking slightly.

  “I’ve been out,” I teased, going off of his good mood. “You haven’t been around.”

  “I haven’t really felt like going out,” he said, his eyes drifting to the ocean again.

  I nodded. “Yeah, Leo told me.” Then I decided to go out on a limb. “I didn’t really feel like going out tonight, so I’m glad I ran into you.”

  He raised his pierced eyebrow. “Oh yeah?”

  “Sure. I’ve sort of been thinking about you a bit lately.”

  “All good things?”

  “Some good, others not so – good,” I said, obviously flirting with him and su
rprising myself at my boldness. I sounded like my sister.

  “Well, I’d like to hear about those not so good things,” he said, flirting back.

  “Maybe.” I smiled, feeling like I was being daring.

  “Do those not so good things have anything in common with things your boyfriend wouldn’t want to know about?” he asked, taking our mild flirtation to a level that was full on flirting – something that would absolutely piss Ben off.

  “Yeah, probably,” I said, looking down, and then up at him, cracking a coy smile.

  “Cool.”

  We sat in silence for another few minutes while I wondered what I could say next to keep up our flirty conversation that I was enjoying so much. I reached up and lightly fingered his piercing. He watched me, an amused expression on his face.

  “You don’t like it do you,” he said.

  I shook my head. “No, I do,” I said, biting my lip, as I brought my hand back to my lap. “I’ve just never been attracted to guys with piercings and tattoos before, so I think I’m more surprised at myself than anything else.”

  His mouth quirked up into a smirk. “You’re attracted to me,” he said, and it wasn’t a question.

  I nodded. “You didn’t have that when we first met. Is it new?”

  He shook his head. “No, but my dad hates it, so I take it out when I’m around him.”

  I smiled. “I think it looks kind of hot,” I said, surprising myself again.

  “Do you want to see something?” he asked then.

  “Sure,” I said, not sure what I was agreeing to but figured I was game to do anything with him at that point.

  He got up, dusted off the back of his shorts, and held his hand out to help me up. I put my hand in his, let him pull me up to a standing position, and we started walking back in the direction I’d come. We passed Molly’s house, where I thought he was staying, and stopped two houses down at a small beach cottage.

  “You’re not staying with the rest of your family?” I asked, as I followed him around to the front of the house.

  He shook his head. “My mom and I actually live her year-round now. The rest of my family is just renting that house. They used to stay with us in the big house, but since the divorce, we just don’t have enough room.”