Broken Fairytales
Page 25
He looked up at me in surprise, before his gaze drifted to where my fingers traced over his arm, and then he met my gaze again. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I wanted to tell you. I really did, but I just couldn’t.”
I sighed. “It’s okay,” I said, giving him a small smile which he returned before he leaned in and kissed me.
As upset as I’d been five minutes earlier, I couldn’t stay mad at him, especially with the reasons he’d just given. I wished he wouldn’t have kept it from me, but I understood why he had.
“Zack, you guys were incredible,” Rachel said sincerely, and I knew it was her way of trying to apologize for pushing the issue on a sore subject. I just wasn’t sure it would work.
Zack smiled another small smile, though, so it seemed to have done some good.
“Seriously, Em and I love your stuff. We totally caught one of the shows you did in Durham during our sophomore year. We’ve probably listened to your album a hundred times, easily.”
I held my breath as I waited for Zack’s response, but he didn’t say anything. He knew I loved Liar’s Edge, but I didn’t think that knowledge would make things any better. Then his face broke into a wide grin, as he flipped the switch on his mood once again, surprising me as he always did when he was being bi-polar.
“You really liked us that much?”
Rachel nodded vigorously, and Zack turned to me to gauge my reaction.
“You know how I feel about Liar’s Edge,” I said, playing toward his sudden good mood. “And since I had no idea who you were when we listened to that song, you know I was being truthful.”
Zack smiled at me. “You said you liked my voice,” he said quietly.
“I did,” I said. “I do, but it’s the lyrics – your lyrics – that made me fall in love with the band.”
The knowledge that he’d written some of the most soulful lyrics I’d ever heard made me want to tell him something I knew I couldn’t. I was in awe, and the feelings I had for him had multiplied in the past few minutes with the knowledge that he’d had his dreams at his fingertips, and he’d given it all up for his family.
I knew then why I hadn’t ever realized who he was. When he was singing the work of others, he sung it well, but when he was the front man of Liar’s Edge, you could hear the emotion in each one of his songs. That was what made him so appealing as a singer. I also knew I was getting way ahead of myself, and I couldn’t share what I was thinking with Zack. I had to bring us back to safe ground.
“I can’t believe that two years ago when I was lusting after the hot lead singer from Liar’s Edge, I was actually lusting after you,” I said, pulling him to me, so I could kiss him.
“I guess so,” Zack said coyly against my lips.
I pulled back so I could stare at him. “You do realize you’re a freaking rock god!” I exclaimed, certain I sounded like a star-struck fan.
Zack raised an eyebrow at me. “I wouldn’t go that far.”
I raised an eyebrow back at him, and he smirked slightly. He knew exactly how he affected women when he performed. I realized that his status as a ridiculously hot lead singer of a band no doubt afforded him the ability to be decidedly ‘not celibate’ as he’d said, and I wondered how many women he’d hooked up with just because he looked so good on stage. I didn’t want to think about it.
“Do you think you’ll get back together?” Rachel asked, her mind back on the music as she launched into reporter mode.
Zack got a sad look on his face, as he said, “I don’t think so.”
There was so much emotion loaded behind his statement that he didn’t have to elaborate on it for me to know how much he wished his life was different. The guy I’d seen on stage two years earlier was not the same guy I’d spent my summer with. That guy had been carefree and playful and optimistic about his future. The Zack I’d met could still slip into who he used to be at times, but it was evident that he bore too much of a burden to let everything go so he could really be that guy again. It was like he was broken, and there wasn’t anything that could fix him at that point.
“Hey, never say never, man,” Leo was saying as he strode back to where we were sitting.
“Not going to happen, Leo,” Zack said firmly, looking up at him.
“I’m just saying. We’ve got two beautiful fans right here. Think of how many more we could have.”
Rachel and I turned to look at him.
“You were in the band, too?” I asked, no believing I hadn’t recognized either of them.
“Yeah,” he said. “I played the bass guitar. Still would if Zack ever wanted to start things up again.”
“I’m in, if Zack’s in,” Derrick said, sauntering up behind us with Molly and Chase in tow. He slunk down onto Rachel’s towel and put his arm around her. “Especially if this hottie comes to our shows.”
On her other side, Chase stopped in his tracks, suddenly glaring daggers at Derrick. “She’s got a boyfriend, man,” he said, taking a step forward, but Rachel stopped him when she put her hand up.
I thought it was kind of sweet that Chase was acting all big brotherly toward her, but she wanted none of it.
“I’ve got this Chase,” she said, as she made a big production of lifting Derrick’s arm off her shoulder. “Sorry, Derrick, but you had your chance. You probably shouldn’t have forgotten to call me back after the beautiful night we had together.”
I watched Chase’s mouth drop open before his eyes turned to slits, and I wondered if he had a crush on Rachel that he wasn’t admitting to. It would certainly explain why he’d been acting so weird around her.
“We could have another beautiful night together,” Derrick countered, and I thought Chase might lunge at him.
Rachel just shook her head in pity. “Sorry, dude, I’m taken.”
With that, she got up off her towel and said she was going inside to get a drink. Chase watched her for a few beats before starting up the beach after her, and I wondered if he was losing his mind.
“So you really like the album that much?” Zack asked me, changing the subject.
“Yeah,” I said. “I love it. I’d love it more if all of your songs were on there. Did this one not make the cut?” I tapped my fingers against his tattoo again.
“We had plans to record another album, but we never ended up doing it,” he said, that wistful look crossing his face again. “Jump was going to be on it. I wrote it after we released our first album, so we didn’t get to include it.”
He got that far off look in his eyes that he got so often, and as much as I wanted to find out why, something in me told me not to probe.
“Will you play it for me?” I asked, begging just a little with my eyes. “I want to hear the song that meant so much to you that you branded yourself with the lyrics.”
Zack smiled, his attention shifting back to the present. “I haven’t played it for anyone in a while, but I’d do it for you.”
God, how I want to tell him I loved him, but I couldn’t. We were keeping things casual, and I had to keep pretending I was okay with that.
Chapter Twenty-Three
As we dressed to go out that night, we listened to Liar’s Edge, and I dug through what Rachel had brought and she took the opportunity to riffle through my drawers. I still had a hard time realizing that the amazing voice belting out some of my all-time favorite lyrics was Zack’s. I’d listed to the album for so many years, and all along, it was Zack I’d been listening to.
“Cute shirt,” Rachel said, trying on a slinky black top that with a back that dipped way down in the back and tied around the neck. I’d gotten it when Molly had taken me shopping.
She modeled it in front of my mirror while I tried on a strapless black cotton dress that she’d brought. “You should see the leather mini skirt I got. Zack’s a huge fan,” I said, grinning widely.
“I’ll bet he is. Ooh, I love that on you,” she said, spinning around to look at me. “You’re definitely wearing that. And I’m wearing this.”
We were heading to a bonfire that night, so Zack had his guitar with him when we stopped by his house to pick him up. He held it with one hand and my hand with the other, as we walked behind Chase, Molly, Rachel and Derrick, who’d started to hit on Molly since he’d found out Rachel was off the market. He wasn’t having much luck with her either. The four of them were sharing a joint, something I was still having trouble wrapping my head around, since I’d never seen Rachel smoke before. She seemed to be right at home, laughing and talking and smoking.
“Today was a good day after all,” Zack said to me as we walked.
“Oh yeah?”
I could tell. He was lighter on days when his mom was doing well.
“Yeah, she said that after she got up from her nap, she played cards with my Aunt Jane, watched some TV and then helped cook dinner. She was in a great mood when we left.”
I squeezed his hand. “I’m so glad, Zack,” I said, feeling overjoyed that some of his sadness had disappeared, even if we both knew it would be short-lived. “So what are you playing tonight?”
He shrugged. “Don’t know. What do you want to hear?”
“Anything, if you’re playing,” I said, “but if we’re being honest, I’d love to hear some Liar’s Edge.”
He laughed. “We’ll see. I don’t know how I feel about playing it for an audience. It’s been a while.”
I squeezed his hand, letting him know it would be okay if he didn’t feel like playing.
“You really want to hear my stuff?” I could hear the doubt in his voice and knew he more skeptical of his talents than everyone else was.
I nodded.
“Then maybe I’ll play for just you later, if you’re lucky.” He grinned and wrapped his arm around my shoulder.
“You’re really are amazing, Zack,” I said, being totally honest. “And I’m not saying that just because I’m sleeping with you.” I smirked at him and he pulled me closer. “I really think you’re an amazing singer. Have you ever thought about going back to it, like as a career, after – you know?”
As soon as the words were out of my mouth I knew I never should have said them. The sharp intake of Zack’s breath told me I’d crossed a line. He didn’t even respond. He just dropped his arm from my shoulder and got quiet. We walked in silence for a few minutes as my stomach churned with the realization of what I’d done. I cursed both me and my big mouth.
Finally Zack stopped walking and turned to me. I stopped and faced him, preparing myself for what he would say that would tell me how much I’d hurt him.
He took a deep breath. “I’m not under any delusions that my mom’s going to make it, but I’d really appreciate it if we didn’t talk about it, okay?”
I nodded quickly, the tears pricking the backs of my eyes at the harshness of his tone as he started walking again. We caught up to everyone else, and Zack started a conversation with Molly. I fought as hard as I could not to break down on the spot. He was mad at me, and it was my own fault.
As Zack got a beer, said hello to people and set up by the bonfire, he didn’t say a word to me. So I did my best to push aside how I was feeling and focused on having fun with Rachel. It was all I could do.
“Incoming,” I said, as I watched Derrick come up behind her and put his arms around her.
“Hey beautiful,” he said, and I could tell he was drunk as he sloppily whispered in her ear. “I can’t get you out of my mind. What do you say we sneak off for a little while – reconnect.”
“Get. Off. Me.” Rachel twisted out of his arms as soon as she realized who he was and spun to face him. “I have a boyfriend! What is your problem?”
“He’s not here,” Derrick sung, swaying slightly, his eyes hooded from the mix of weed and alcohol and possibly something else. “Hang out with me, Rachel. We had fun together that night.”
“Yeah, it was so much fun that you never called me again. Just stay away from me,” Rachel spat before she gritted her teeth and marched away, directly to Chase who had been watching their exchange from a few feet away.
“Aw, you’re going to hold that against me forever, because I’d much prefer if you just held yourself against me,” Derrick called after her, loud enough for most people around to hear.
Rachel started wildly waving her arms and gesturing to Chase, and I could tell she’d had it. I watched as she turned, pointed right at Derrick and looked back at Chase expectantly. He put his hands on either side of her shoulders, looked down at her and said something I couldn’t make out, but I could see her visibly relax. Then he marched over to Derrick.
He put his arm around Derrick’s shoulders in a casual way, but from the grunt Derrick made, I knew Chase was being rougher than he led on.
“Let’s take a walk, man,” he said, and I was so proud of my brother for standing up for Rachel in that moment.
I sauntered back over to her. She was still trying to calm down.
“What did I ever see in that jackass?” she asked me, and I was at a loss for words. He was cute, but his personality sucked.
“I have no idea,” I said, as I glanced over at Zack. He looked up from his guitar, caught my eye and looked away.
He was playing Mysterious Ways, by U2, and it squeezed my heart just a little when I thought about how he’d told me I was mysterious. I felt tears prick the backs of my eyes again. Rachel caught on immediately, and shifted gears into best friend mode. She pulled me down by the water so no one else would see me getting upset. I couldn’t have felt worse about what I’d said and how insensitive I’d been.
I was telling her just that when her gaze shifted over my right shoulder. It was then that I realized Zack had stopped playing, and all I could hear outside of my sobs were the sounds of people talking and laughing in the background. Before I could turn around, Zack’s arms were around me, his lips at my ear.
“I’m an asshole, and I’m sorry. Please don’t be upset, princess.”
I turned around to face him, my face wet with tears. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You have every right to be mad at me.”
He leaned forward and kissed my tearstained cheeks. “I’m not mad, Emily. I’m just upset. Every time I think about the fact that I’m going to lose her, it just torments me, so I haven’t really let myself think about the future. I’ve been just living in the moment for the past few months, and when you said that, it reminded me that there is going to be a time when I have to think about what’s next and make some decisions about the rest of my life, and it scares the shit out of me.”
He leaned his forehead against mine for a few beats, as if taking a moment to collect himself.
I threaded my arms around his waist, and said quietly, “My future was planned out for me before this summer, and now it’s not. I have no idea what I’m going to do, and that scares me too, Zack. You’re not alone in that, but the beauty of it is that you can choose your own path. You don’t have to have a perfect plan.”
“Thank you,” he said, catching me off-guard.
“For what?”
“For helping me to keep things in perspective. I don’t always do that.”
“Hey, I’m just throwing your advice back at you, my friend,” I said, and he laughed.
“I guess you got me there.”
I followed Zack back up to the bonfire after we made up, gripping his hand tightly, knowing I didn’t want to let it go. Rachel had made her way over to Chase, who had returned with a much more subdued Derrick in tow, so I settled by the fire while Zack started his next set.
When he took another break, he asked me to take a walk down the beach with him. We settled a ways down the beach, the sounds of the party barely audible in the distance.
“You leave in two weeks, right?” he asked, an
d I felt a lump form in my throat.
“Yeah, just about.”
He nodded. “I wish you could stay,” he said simply.
“I just wish I could stay with you,” I said, putting everything out there.
Zack didn’t say anything, but he squeezed my hand as we looked out at the dark waves crashing on the beach in front of us.
As we walked back to the party together, he whispered in my ear, “This next song is for you, princess.” Then he kissed my cheek, grinned, and continued on to his guitar which he’d left propped up against the log he’d been sitting on.
I saw Rachel standing nearby with Chase and Molly, so I walked over to her, letting her know what Zack had just told me. She grinned at me, the joy on her face no doubt radiating what she was seeing in my expression. She reached for my hand, squeezing it as Zack started playing the opening chords to Use Somebody by King of Leon.
It was one of my favorite songs, and he played it perfectly. Liar’s Edge had a similar sound to Kings of Leon, so his voice sounded so natural singing the lyrics that weren’t his. When he put his guitar down, the people nearby clapped, and I ran over to him, nearly tackling him in the process.
“Whoa,” he said, falling back slightly. “I guess you liked it.” He was laughing lightly.
“I loved it,” I said. “It was perfect. You’re perfect.”
“Oh yeah,” he said, reaching down for his beer.
I nodded. “Yes.”
“Okay, I’ll go with you on that,” he said, wrapping his arms around me as I settled next to him to hear him play his next few songs.
As we later mingled with the friends we’d made that summer. Zack held my hand, and I marveled at how good of a mood he was in as he talked and joked with everyone. It really had been a good day, despite the fight we’d gotten into after my callous comment.