Accidentally on Purpose

by L. D. Davis

  "I said I would wait until you were ready," he said quietly. "But..."

  "You want to know what is ultimately keeping us apart," I filled in.

  "You are ultimately keeping us apart," he said patiently. "But I need to know why."

  He reached out and pushed my hair out of my face. His fingers on my cheek were deeply comforting. I pressed my hand against his, savoring his touch before he could withdraw it. This time I kissed him, wrapped my arms around him. Enormous butterflies fluttered in my belly and migrated throughout my body. The tingling down my spine made me weak.

  We kissed in front of the window, slow and easy, oblivious to the sights, sounds, and smells of the hospital. It wasn't until someone cleared their throat about three times before we broke apart and looked for the intruder.

  Lorraine stood just inside the doorway, grinning ear to ear.

  "Sorry to disturb you," she said. "But the doctor wants to talk to all of us."

  "Oh, that's embarrassing," I whispered as we followed her out of the room.

  As it turned out, Grace had a mini stroke, which was probably the main contributor to her fall. She was going to be in the hospital longer than originally anticipated.

  Luke, Lena, and I left a couple of hours later. Lena was going to pick my mom up from the airport, a task I was thankful wasn't asked of me. Luke and I went to meet Emmet, Casey and the kids for dinner and all of us travelled back across town for dessert at Lena's with my mother.

  "You look...different," she said, eyeing me carefully after a hug.

  "I look the same," I insisted, but I knew she could tell I've been getting some.

  "Hmm," she said doubtfully. "At any rate, you always look beautiful." She started to turn away but turned back and said "Except when you wear red lipstick. It makes you look like a whore."

  I cringed, but said nothing. Luke looked at me with sympathy and then gave me a double arm pat.

  "Can I double pat her face with my fists?" I whispered to him.

  "No, but you can put on some red lipstick when we get home."

  We politely hung around a little while longer before using the excuse that it was well past Lucas's bedtime and quickly bowed out. Lucas was asleep long before we got home, so putting him to bed was effortless. An hour and some change after leaving Lena's, I was stark naked in the living room, riding Luke as if my life depended on it.

  "Maybe we should stop having sex," he said afterward. "I'm being a girl about it. My feelings just grow stronger every time."

  "Mine do, too," I argued.

  "Not enough."

  "You don't know that."

  "If it were enough, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

  We were quiet for a minute or two. My head was in his lap and he absent mindedly stroked my hair, staring at the floor, deep in thought.

  "I feel really fucked up inside," I said, breaking the silence. "I feel scarred and dysfunctional."

  "Everyone is dysfunctional sometimes."

  "No," I objected. "I feel dysfunctional all of the time. It's something that stays with me all day and all night, no matter what I'm doing or how else I feel. I always feel fucked up, and I feel like I can't be fixed. You want to fix me, but I feel like I'm a lost cause, and I don't want you to even bother trying."

  "What did Kyle do to you to make you feel so lowly about yourself?"

  I sighed loudly, and pushed myself to my feet. I was so frustrated.

  "Luke, stop blaming Kyle. I did this to myself. I mean...he did a lot to contribute to it, but he didn't force me into anything. I made my own decisions. If this was all of Kyle's fault, it would be easy to just throw all of the blame where it belongs and move on, but it's not all his fault."

  "You're not a lost cause," Luke said, also on his feet now. "Yes, you made bad decisions, but you're not doomed. I love you, Emmy, scars and all."

  "Look...I'm afraid I'm going to fuck up again. I'm afraid that I won't be able to ever give you what you deserve."

  He started to object, but my cell rang in the dining room. I walked away, to escape the conversation, and to answer the call. It was Mayson.

  "What's up?" I asked.

  "You have a problem," she said carefully.

  "What is it?"

  "Uhh...your bar."

  "What about it?"

  "It's on fire."

  Chapter Forty

  Change of plans. Instead of flying to the east coast in a couple of weeks, I was packed and at the airport with Lucas in my arms by noon the following day.

  My bar, according to Mayson, had burned to the ground. There was probably nothing left to salvage. No one was hurt, even though it was a full house. The fire marshal thinks the fire started in the kitchen with faulty wiring to the stove.

  "I'll be out there in a couple of weeks, if my schedule permits," Luke said to me.

  "Okay."

  "I'll miss you guys."

  He took Lucas from me and talked to him about the "air ane" and how much he'll miss him. He kissed his head and handed him back. My kiss was a little more elaborate.

  "I love you, buddy," Luke ruffled Lucas's hair. "I love you," he said to me.

  I hesitated before repeating it back to him, which was clearly a mistake judging by the expression on his face.

  "I'm sorry," I rushed. "I didn't mean..."

  "Don't worry about it. Have a safe trip." He walked away without a backward glance.

  When we landed in Philly, I was able to forget what an ass I was to Luke. I was excited to be back to the tri-state area I called home. My exit from said area was a memory I pushed out of my mind. I didn't want to focus on that.

  Mayson waited for us at the airport. After some discussion, we packed into her car and drove the few seconds away to a rental car agency. She left me there and took Lucas with her to do whatever she had to do. Before I left the parking lot of the rental company, I texted Luke to let him know we landed safely.

  There was always traffic in Philly, whether it was a Sunday or Doomsday, traffic never ceased. I easily fell back into bad driving habits and yelling at other drivers. The traffic slowed a little when I crossed the bridge into Jersey, but not by much. The air quality changed a little, too. I loved the smell of factories and refineries on a hot summer day. Mmm mmm!

  I had mentally prepared myself for the disaster I would see when I got to what was left of my bar. I just had not prepared myself enough.

  What was left of the building was blackened by the fire and smoke. Rubble and unidentifiable items were melted together. It looked like a bombed out building you see in war movies.

  I got out of the car, and stifled a scream. I walked toward the site in a daze, stupefied by what I was seeing. Just outside, I found a half a bottle of vodka, intact, just lying there. I picked it up, studied it for a minute and then opened it and took a big gulp. After a couple more big sips, I felt ready to venture inside the disaster.

  "I wouldn't go in there if I were you," a familiar voice said behind me. I was so startled that I dropped the bottle as I turned around, shattering it and spilling out the rest of the alcohol.

  "Shit. You scared the shit out of me and perfectly good vodka has been spilled."

  "Sorry. I thought you saw me."

  "No," I shook my head and nodded across the lot. "Didn't even notice your car until now."

  We looked back at what used to be the bar.

  "I don't think it's safe for you to be in there, hence the yellow tape."

  "The tape is a formality. How else am I supposed to assess the damage?"

  "That's what you're insurance guy is for, and he left a few minutes before you got here."

  I sighed loudly and kicked at a burnt piece of wood. We stood there in silence for a while, just staring at the charred mess. I decided to take some pictures so I could send them to Luke and my mom.

  "So, how long are you in the area?"

  I shrugged. "I don't know. A couple of weeks, I guess. Depends."

  "On what?"

&nbs
p; "What I'm going to do with this mess, for one, and I don't know. I may get homesick or something."

  "You don't miss Jersey?"

  "Are you kidding me? Every day of my life! I miss the people, the food - my god I could go for a real Philly cheesesteak right now. And some water ice. Real water ice. It's hot as hell out here."

  "Where are you staying?"

  "Probably in Mount Laurel in a hotel. I guess I should take care of that now," I said. "What are you doing here anyway?"

  "I heard about the bar, wanted to see it for myself."

  "Did you think I would come?"

  "No, I didn't. I was surprised to see you."

  "Oh."

  "Well, look, I don't want to hold you up. Why don't you text me later? I know I'm going out on a limb here, but maybe we can have lunch or something before you go."

  "Maybe," I said, not committing to anything. "Is your number the same?"

  "Yeah. If you don't contact me, I will understand."

  I nodded an okay.

  "Be careful - and stay out of there."

  A moment later Kyle Sterling drove out of the parking lot and I felt myself breathe again.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Early the next morning, I found myself standing in the lot of my destroyed bar again. I didn't know what to do with the mess. Rebuilding meant more time in Jersey - a lot more time, and as much as I had missed it, I wasn't sure if that was a good idea.

  For hours after Lucas fell asleep, I had to talk myself out of calling Kyle. I would dial the number, but never initiate the call. I must have a hundred drafts of text messages that will never be sent. I don't know what I hoped to accomplish. The only reason I didn't finally call was because I fell asleep. No will power.

  "Less go!" Lucas shouted in the car behind me. I was only standing about two feet from the car.

  "Okay, let's go," I answered and got back into the car.

  We went to visit Donya and her new baby for a little while. I was pissed off that she had already lost her baby fat and again looked like the runway model she was.

  We only stayed a couple of hours, because she had a doctor's appointment and Lucas was restless. I took him to the zoo for a couple of hours and then we ate an early dinner in the city. By six, we were back in the hotel. Lucas fell asleep around seven-thirty, and I was bored. If the rest of my trip was going to be this way, I was going to cut it short. Everyone I knew was busy with their lives and couldn't spare more than a few minutes. Donya was busy with her new expanded family, Mayson had a boyfriend, and Tabitha wasn't exactly on the welcome committee. My old co-workers were busy with work or had also moved away. At least in Chicago I had family and a few friends, and a job, and Luke.

  I knew one person who would be available as much as I wanted him to. I dialed, held my breath, and pressed the send key. It started to ring at the very moment someone knocked on my hotel door. Surprised, I sat there staring dumbly at the door with the phone ringing in my ear.

  "Hello?" Kyle said.

  "God. I'm sorry. I know I just called but someone is knocking on my door," I said as I ran to the door. I looked through the peephole.

  "Em?" Kyle's voice lit up.

  "Tabitha," I said when I opened the door.

  "Tabitha?" Kyle asked, confused.

  "I'm sorry," I said into the phone. "My cousin Tabitha just showed up. I'll call you back." I ended the call.

  "Can I come in?" Tabitha asked.

  "Yeah, of course." I stepped aside and let her in.

  "Where's Lucas?" She asked, standing in the middle of the room letting her eyes wander.

  "He crashed a while ago. Probably out of boredom. Have a seat. You want something? A soda or water?" I started toward the kitchenette, but she stopped me.

  "No, I'm fine," she said and sat down on the couch.

  I sat down in a chair across from her. I felt nervous, probably because this was out of character for Tabitha, to just show up at any door I may be behind. The funny thing is that when we were kids, we were cool. We were close even. Somewhere around fifteen or sixteen, it suddenly became what it is now, awkward and tense.

  "Who was on the phone?" She asked.

  "Umm, Kyle."

  "Sterling?"

  "Yeah."

  "Met him a few times. Kind of got a bad vibe from him, like he was a dick," she said staring into some point in the past, but then she caught herself and straightened up. "Sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I don't know for sure if he's a dick. You're the one that worked for him."

  "It's okay, and yeah, he had dick-like tendencies."

  "What about now?"

  "I wouldn't know," I said quietly.

  She looked at me curiously, but didn't mention Kyle again. "Mayson told me your room number. I hope you don't mind."

  "I don't mind, but..."

  "You want to know why I suddenly care to make a social call."

  I nodded.

  She looked away, silently thinking of how she was going to start.

  "Let's talk," she said, and we did.

  Tabitha stayed for nearly three hours. When she left, I felt better about our relationship. I was glad that I hopefully fixed something while I was in Jersey. After she was gone for a good ten minutes, I picked up my phone and called Kyle.

  "Are you going to hang up on me again?" He yawned.

  "Maybe."

  "What are you doing?"

  "Nothing."

  "Can I come see you?"

  "Absolutely not."

  We were silent for a moment. And then "I like your hair."

  "What?"

  "Your hair," he said patiently. "I like it. Still smells good."

  "How could you smell my hair through the smell of smoke and burned dreams?"

  "I don't know the science of how. I just know that I did."

  "Huh," I said, because I didn't know what else to say.

  "So," he started. "I think we have a lot to talk about."

  "No," I said quickly. "We don't need to talk about any...any of that. I don't want to."

  "Em, I don't even know what happened. I know I…hit you, but I don't remember. I want you to tell me."

  "No, I don't want to talk about it. Please," I said with a hint of begging. "It's just that...it was painful and I'm trying to move away from any kind of negativity."

  He was silent for a moment and then I heard him sigh. "Okay. Then what do you want to talk about?"

  "I don't know," I sighed. "Maybe I shouldn't have called."

  "I still love you." There. He put it out there. Now what was I supposed to do with it? "If you still loved me after everything, especially that last night, I would be surprised."

  "I said I didn't want to talk about that!"

  "Sorry."

  Another bout of silence.

  "You looked really good yesterday. Did I mention I like your hair? It's so long."

  I sighed, thinking maybe I made a mistake calling him.

  "Emmy, I want to see you."

  "When?"

  "How about now?"

  "I already said no."

  "Well, say yes."

  "I can't."

  "Are you...are you and Luke together?"

  It took a moment for me to answer. "Not officially. He wants to be with me, though."

  "And you?"

  "I am undecided. I don't want to talk about that either."

  "I'm coming over."

  "You can't! My son..." I realized this was the first time Lucas was brought up.

  "Right, you're son, which is why I should come there. Tell me where you are. I'll bring you diner food and a diner shake. Jersey food, Em. Mmm yum."

  Okay, so who could resist some good diner food? I caved.

  "I come bearing gifts," Kyle said when I opened the door forty minutes later.

  I snatched the food from him and let him in.

  "Can't get good diner food in Chicago," I said, stuffing a chili cheese fry with bacon into my mouth. "I mean Chicago has its good food, but not g
ood diner food. Mmm this is so fucking good."

  "Nice to see your appetite hasn't gone anywhere," he looked at me with fake disgust as I stuffed more food into my mouth and followed it up with some chocolate shake.

  "What's in the brown bag?" I stopped chewing and pointed to the bag he was holding.

  "I replaced your spilled vodka."

  "I'm not going to drink that," I said after swallowing my food.

  "Why? It's your favorite vodka - cotton candy flavor."

  "You and me with alcohol makes matters...gray."

  "Gray matter isn't all bad all of the time."

  I looked at his chest muscles bulging against his black tee shirt and his biceps stretching the fabric.

  "I can't drink right now," I said, tearing my eyes away with a loud sigh.

  He put the bag down on the coffee table and sat down on the couch.

  "Maybe you'll change your mind."

  "Don't count on it," I said from the kitchenette where I got paper plates and plastic forks.

  I sat down in the chair instead of the couch, ignoring Kyle's looks of disappointment. We ate in silence for a while. My eyes kept roaming from the vodka to Kyle. To the vodka, back to Kyle. Vodka, Kyle. Kyle, vodka. I wasn't sure which one I wanted most. It had been a good long time since I really enjoyed vodka. It had been only a little less time since I really enjoyed Kyle.

  Shit.

  "I can almost see the gears turning in your head," Kyle said. "You're thinking about how much you want some vodka." He took the vodka out of the bag and held it on display. "You're also thinking about how much you want some Kyle. You can't decide which one you want more."

  "Fuck off, dick."

  He grinned. "I miss your potty mouth. Besides hookers, I don't know any other woman who uses such colorful language."

  "How many hookers do you know?"

  "One or two."

  "Ew."

  He gave me a disgusted look as he opened the vodka. "Not like that. I don't have any trouble getting a woman."

  "No, the trouble comes when you have one too many," I said dryly.

  "I deserve that."

  "And more."

  "And more," he nodded before taking a sip of vodka.

  "Still drink like a girl," I muttered.

  "Why don't you show me how it's done?" He offered me the bottle.