Please Don't Cry

by Jane Plume

  Amidst our care for Gina, the responsibilities of everyday life didn’t stop. I had my own family to think of, but thankfully my sister Ann had really stepped into the breach and was helping to look after the children whenever she could. Anni-Mae’s fifth birthday was on 20 October, two days before the funeral. Long before this all had happened, I had already booked a party for her. She was really looking forward to it. At one point, she reeled off a list of people who would be there, including Ashton, but then added, ‘But Auntie Gina can’t come because she lives on a twinkle star now.’ I had to turn away because I was in bits.

  Shaun was adamant I should go ahead with it, not wanting to spoil her big day and Ashton still wanted to attend, so Shaun agreed to bring him. ‘He needs to be a normal five year old,’ he insisted.

  The party wasn’t normal, though. Gina should have been there, the life and soul of the event as she always was. Ashton joined in with Anni-Mae and the other children as he normally would but Shaun stayed in the sidelines, clearly not in the mood for socialising and making small talk with other parents.

  As I watched the children play, I remember feeling envious – but also glad – that they could forget the pain of what was happening, even if just for a short while.

  • • •

  All too soon, the day of the funeral arrived – 22 October 2010 – a day I was dreading. As the dawn broke I lay in bed, wide awake; I’m not sure that I had slept for even a few minutes all night. Instead I had spent the long restless hours trying to get my head around the fact that today I would be saying goodbye to a wonderful person and my best friend. She was just 34 years old and none of this made any sense. In the dark hours my thoughts turned to the day ahead. I fretted that I wouldn’t be able to find the courage and strength to stand up at the front of the church and read the words that I had lovingly written, from the bottom of my heart, as a tribute to Gina. But I knew that today of all days I couldn’t bear to let her down. It was the last thing I would be able to do for my friend.

  Daylight crept through the curtains and I got up to get ready. In the bathroom, I found my shower had no hot water. I couldn’t believe it. As I stood cursing, Marco tapped on the door. ‘Are you okay, Mum?’ he enquired, concern flooding his voice.

  I explained about the shower. ‘Just try to be calm,’ he said, as he hugged me. But his caring gesture just set the tears flowing again.

  ‘It’s probably Auntie Gina playing silly buggers, eh?’ I joked, through the sobs.

  He nodded, with a sad smile on his lips that didn’t reach his eyes.

  Eventually, when we were all ready, I headed over to Shaun’s house at Shepshed. I wanted to see Gina one last time so, after dropping the older kids off with my brother, and Anni-Mae with her grandparents, I went to the chapel of rest.

  I had asked Marco and Millie if they wanted to see Gina to say goodbye, but they both said no. They had so many wonderful memories and wanted to remember her just how she was. Millie asked whether if she wrote a letter, would I give it to Auntie Gina for her. ‘Of course,’ I replied, and Marco decided to do the same. They gave me their letters in a sealed envelope so their words remain private, to this day. Anni-Mae drew a picture and wrote ‘I Love You Jena’ across it – she hadn’t grasped the correct spelling for Gina and I didn’t have the heart to tell her she had spelled it wrong. I took these tributes with me as I made my way to the chapel of rest.

  It was so hard knowing that it was going to be the last time I could hold my friend’s hand, or give her a kiss goodbye. I placed a small teddy, Anni-Mae’s picture and an envelope with letters from myself and my children in the coffin with her, and then – somehow – I managed to say what I wanted to say to her, which will remain between the two of us. As I walked out of the room and closed the door, I felt a physical pain in my chest. I turned back, opened the door again and blew a kiss to Gina. I told her I loved her as much as a sister. ‘Sleep tight, babe,’ were the last words I whispered as the door slowly closed.

  I had to sit in my car for a few minutes to compose myself before I headed round to the house, to Shaun and the boys. Emma arrived at exactly the same time as me and as we walked in, Shaun was putting down the phone cursing under his breath.

  ‘This is not what I need today,’ he spat out. We asked what the problem was.

  ‘Bloody shower’s not working,’ he grumbled.

  I had already told Emma about my shower problems and she and I exchanged a curious glance.

  ‘Not yours as well,’ I said, explaining the morning’s mishaps to Shaun. He looked up at the sky and gently shook his head, ‘Tut, tut, Gina,’ he said gently under his breath. He was clearly thinking exactly what I had said to Marco earlier and I found it oddly comforting to believe that Gina was up to her usual mischievous tricks, and was watching somewhere, laughing. Within a few minutes Shaun’s plumber friend was at the house and soon had the boiler running again.

  Shaun wanted to be the last person to see Gina so he went to the chapel of rest to say his own goodbyes, while Emma and I got on with getting Lewis and Ashton ready. Lewis, like Marco and Millie, was given the choice to visit his mum in the chapel of rest, but he also said he would prefer not to. Shaun took some things to place in the coffin but I didn’t ask what they were. I did not feel that it was any of my business; that was between Shaun, Lewis, Ashton and Gina.

  The boys were very quiet as they got ready for the funeral, totally overwhelmed by what was happening. Shaun had ordered flowers arranged in the word MUM in lovely pinks and whites, and they each wrote their own cards to be placed on the flowers.

  The boys had said they wanted to look their best when they said goodbye to Mummy so Shaun had got them matching ties for the funeral. They both put on black trousers and crisp white shirts, as well as the waistcoats they had worn when Gina and Shaun had renewed their vows. I crouched down to help them with their ties.

  ‘You look very smart,’ I told them. ‘Your mum would be very, very proud.’ I meant it: she certainly would be proud of them.

  As the hearse and the funeral cars arrived, I felt sick to the bottom of my stomach. At the sight of that white box in the back of the hearse, it suddenly became real. Half of me was thinking, ‘That’s my friend in that box,’ and the other half was saying, ‘That’s not her.’ Conflicting emotions swirled around in my head as I fought to be strong for the boys.

  Shaun had decided that he wanted to travel alone with Lewis and Ashton in one car, so Emma and I travelled in the second car with Gina’s parents, and her sister Keri and her husband.

  When we arrived at the church the pallbearers were waiting for us. They gently lifted the coffin up on to their shoulders and proceeded to the church doors, and as we entered the song playing inside became audible. ‘Angels’ by Robbie Williams echoed round the church as we walked down the aisle. I thought that it was incredibly fitting, as Gina was now an angel as far as I was concerned.

  The church was absolutely packed with no space left, sitting or standing. There were even people standing outside because they just couldn’t squeeze in. I noticed that all the friends Gina and Shaun had made at motocross were wearing their own personal race shirts, a spread of many different lovely colours in among the funereal blacks and greys that dominated the church. It somehow seemed right that Gina, who had been so colourful in life, should be celebrated in such a vibrant way. She would have loved it.

  We took our seats as the song came to an end. I held Emma’s hand in one hand and Lewis’s in the other. Throughout the service Lewis and Ashton hardly took their eyes off their dad, unsure of what they should be doing, and copying his every move. I sat staring at the stark white coffin, not really hearing anything the vicar was saying, standing up automatically to sing the hymn we had chosen, ‘All Things Bright and Beautiful’. ‘How apt,’ I remember thinking. ‘Those two words describe Gina to a T.’

  Gina’s dad was brave enough to stand up and say a few words and then it was my turn. I took a deep breath as I stepped up t
o the front, trying to control the shaking in every part of my body, then I began to read the words that I had agonised over and rewritten several times, so desperately wanting to get them right.

  This is what I said:

  ‘When Shaun first asked me about speaking today I wasn’t sure if I could do it, but I thought of Gina and how she would face each challenge that life threw at her head on, so I am going to try to draw strength from her.

  ‘Gina had a lasting effect on people and you only have to look at Facebook, and at all the tributes and cards, to see that. The same words kept being repeated: “smile”, “beautiful”, “loving”, “strong”. AstraZeneca even flew their flags at half-mast as a sign of respect.

  ‘Gina was very much a family person and treasured any time with her family; her mum, dad, sister Keri, Mike, and her niece and nephew, Rebecca and Nathan. Also with Shaun’s family, who had become her own. If she wasn’t with them they were never far from her thoughts.

  ‘Shaun, her soulmate, and Lewis and Ashton were her world. She adored every minute spent with the three of them and would throw herself into anything the family shared, whether that be rugby, motocross or just family time at home.

  ‘Sometimes things would knock her off her feet for a short time, then she would bounce back with some way of turning any situation into something positive, fundraising, pushing herself at the gym or just a good old party!

  ‘Those who had Gina as a friend are the luckiest people in the world and I am so proud to be able to say that Gina was my best friend. I have many memories that I will always treasure and many experiences that we shared: being pregnant together, working together, Gina bouncing on the gym ball in my lounge when in labour with Ashton, to bouncing down Loughborough high street on a space hopper for her hen night, when she married Shaun for the second time.

  ‘She wasn’t afraid of anything that life threw at her and she met any challenge head on, with enthusiasm. She wasn’t backwards in coming forward either. She had such a way with words and, boy, did you know if you were in the wrong! She wasn’t afraid to tell you and you had no choice but to listen.

  ‘Likewise, she wasn’t afraid to tell you positive things either, make you feel better about yourself or just to simply tell you that she loved you.

  ‘There is a saying that friends are the family you choose for yourself. How true. Gina was my sister of choice.

  ‘I know that she will always watch over us and she would be so, so proud of Shaun and the boys, and be overwhelmed by the love and all the support from everyone.

  ‘Shaun: you and the boys were the centre of her universe and she loved you far more than any words I could ever say. I promise you, Gina, that I will look after your three boys and always be there for them.

  ‘We will all choose to remember Gina in our own way. Personally I will remember her ever-open arms and open heart, her beautiful smile and her amazing strength and friendship that will last forever.

  ‘The angels are the lucky ones now! Sleep tight, beautiful lady, I will love and miss you always.’

  A short way into my speech, I had a wobble and the tears began to flow. I couldn’t get my words out, so Emma got out of her seat and came to stand next to me, putting her arm around me. She told me to take a deep breath and coaxed, ‘Come on you can do it.’ It spurred me on and I managed to get to the end. I just hoped that I had done Gina proud. I was still shaking and trying to control the emotion as I returned to my seat. Before I knew it the service was over and we filed out of the church as the Starship song played.

  I couldn’t bring myself to look at the faces of Shaun or the boys, frightened it would be too much. I couldn’t crumble now.

  They needed me now more than ever.

  • • •

  When we arrived at the cemetery I found myself walking next to Lewis and managed to pull him in for a hug. ‘I’m so proud of you,’ I whispered fiercely.

  Ashton too came in for a cuddle and as I squeezed him tight, I told him that I loved him.

  ‘Love you too, Auntie Jane,’ he replied, so innocently.

  It broke my heart to know that the one person in the world that they really wanted to hug them would never again be able to.

  Shaun had made it very clear that he wanted Gina as near to home as possible so he had chosen a spot at the back of the cemetery, as close to home as the crow flies, next to the pathway and under the shade of a huge conifer tree. He had requested family and close friends only to this part of the day. As Gina was lowered into the ground, uncontrollable sobs racked through me. Yet at the same time I somehow felt numb, my mind reacting with disbelief to what my eyes told me I was witnessing.

  I watched as Shaun kissed a rose and dropped it into the grave. Lewis took the lead from his dad and did the same, followed by Ashton, then a basket was taken round so that people could throw a handful of dirt into the grave. I took a handful. It felt cold, an empty gesture, throwing it into that big hole in the ground with my best friend at the bottom. It was too final.

  Then that was it, it was all over. It was only now that I took in the huge number of floral tributes, in all colours, but mainly pink – Gina’s favourite colour. They were so bright and beautiful. I had chosen a circle wreath, which had a special meaning to me and Gina. I had a Lovelinks bracelet, similar to a Pandora bracelet, and Gina had brought me a number of the circular beads to put on to it, always with the same message on the gift tag: ‘A circle is never-ending, just like our friendship.’ That is what I chose to write in return on the card on the wreath. And from that day, I have bought a circular wreath for special days, such as birthdays and anniversaries, and I always put the same message on before I put the flowers on her graveside.

  When it was time to leave I turned to look at the place where my friend would forever rest, blowing her a final kiss. Emma and I walked back to the car hand in hand, silent, lost in our own thoughts and emotions, still reluctant to leave Gina alone, where she lay.

  • • •

  The silence continued on the way to the wake, which was to be held at the same pub where, just over a year before, we had celebrated Shaun and Gina’s vow renewal. Walking in I was struck, once again, by the huge number of people present.

  ‘Gina would love this,’ I remember thinking.

  The night seemed to go quickly with friends and family retelling their own stories about Gina, and there were lots of smiles and laughter amid the tears, just as Gina would have wanted. At the end of the night, Shaun’s dad gave us all a lift back to Shaun’s. I had agreed to stay the night to help with the boys, and if he wanted a drink at least he could have one.

  Emma and I helped Ashton into his pyjamas, got him into bed and kissed him goodnight, then I went into Lewis’s room to give him a hug and kiss goodnight. Shaun went upstairs after us and he was gone quite a while. What he said to those boys I will never know, and how the three of them got through the day so bravely was beyond belief.

  The three of us – Shaun, Emma and I – sat talking until the early hours of the morning. The events leading up to the day and keeping it together at the funeral had kept Shaun’s head above water but, at this point, the situation finally caught up with him as we sat down to talk. He was shaking from head to toe, and I will never be able to describe the pain in his eyes. Emma and I each held one of his hands in ours and, at that moment, he looked like a vulnerable little boy.

  ‘I’m scared,’ he finally said. ‘I don’t want to be alone.’

  Yet again, tears rolled freely down my cheeks. I squeezed his hand. ‘You will never be alone,’ I told him. ‘You have the boys and you have us, Emma and me!’

  I had promised my friend just a few hours earlier that I would look after her three boys – and that was a promise I intended never to break.

  CHAPTER 7

  SOLDIERING ON

  The days following the funeral were very hard. I, for one, felt bitter and angry. The world was carrying on as normal, with people complaining about being stuck in queues or ha
ving to go to work and other petty little niggles of everyday life. Didn’t they know the tragedy that had struck the Hibberd family? The pain those two little boys had gone through, in losing their mother, was unbearable enough, but they still faced the prospect of losing their dad. When something so terrible happens it really does make you learn to appreciate what you have, and realise how small most ‘problems’ really are.

  Shaun decided not to return to work for three very good reasons. First, he had been working as a lorry driver and starting at three or four in the morning, which was not something he could do now that he was solely responsible for Lewis and Ashton. Secondly, he needed to put his own health first more than ever and allow himself time to grieve. Finally, and most importantly, Lewis and Ashton needed him.

  I continued to help wherever I could, sorting through the mountains of paperwork and forms that continually landed on the doormat, and making make telephone calls on his behalf, usually with him sitting at the side of me. He would often have to speak to the person on the other end to confirm he was happy for them to discuss his affairs with me, then let me get on with it. He was totally lost in how to manage all the admin and household papers, an area that Gina had always dealt with, so at least I felt I was of some practical help.

  On one of these afternoons we were just finishing off a stack of paperwork and I was about to make Lewis and Ashton’s packed lunch for the following day, when I said, ‘I’ll look after the boys when the time comes if you want me to?’ He just smiled and nodded, and we carried on. We weren’t to speak of it again for some time, but I was just glad that he knew that I was willing to be there for Lewis and Ashton.

  Shaun’s brother David and his partner Lisa felt the same as we did, that tragedy had taught them was that life was too short, so they decided that they would like to get married as soon as possible. They had set the date for 5 November 2010, just a couple of weeks after Gina’s funeral. They wanted to keep it low key, with close family and friends only, but it was the end result that mattered. David invited Shaun to be his witness, which he happily accepted. After the ceremony, Lisa took her bouquet and laid it on Gina’s grave, which I thought it was a lovely gesture and a touching tribute.