Keep Me in Your Heart

by Lurlene McDaniel

  Lisa looked thoughtful for a moment. “She’s over the smothering stage. We have an understanding, remember? I appreciate her and everything, it’s just that this isn’t what she signed on for. You know, having a sick kid.”

  “That’s not your fault.”

  “It doesn’t matter. It’s still a handicap. Mom wanted to travel, see the country, maybe even the world. She had plans for her and Charlie to get married and travel all over in an RV once I moved away.”

  “Why don’t they get married?”

  “We’d lose our insurance. Right now my treatments are covered, but if anything changes …” Lisa shrugged. “She likes to buy lottery tickets. She thinks that if she could hit a jackpot, our lives would change for the better.”

  That didn’t make any sense to Nathan. “Would it?”

  “She wants to take me places and show me things. Sometimes she acts like I’m not sick at all.” Lisa smiled tightly. “At least Charlie’s a realist.”

  “But the tumor could shrink again. It could go away for another long long time, couldn’t it?”

  “That’s what gambling is all about, isn’t it? Playing the odds.”

  Nathan screwed up his courage and asked, “What are the odds?”

  She didn’t answer, only patted his cheek. “You want to play another video game? I can’t let you think you’re better than me with a joystick.”

  Nathan didn’t like the way she changed the subject, but the discussion was over and she wouldn’t return to it.

  Classes resumed with the new year. Nathan dropped the job and concentrated on getting homework completed in order to spend more time with Lisa. Besides, his crisis with his mother was over. She lightened up when he brought home straight As for first semester, and he’d been more respectful of her concerns about him.

  Lisa left Fuller’s classroom each afternoon for only the first couple of weeks in the month. When she began to stay for the full class period, Nathan asked, “Is radiation over?”

  “Over. Except for feeling tired. I think I could sleep for a week.”

  “How—” She shot him a cautionary look and he remembered her warning not to ask about it. “I have a right to know,” he groused.

  She arched a perfect eyebrow, spun on her heel and walked away. He stood in the hall feeling left out and angry. He loved her. She should tell him something. He considered going to Charlie but discarded the idea because he knew Lisa wouldn’t like it if he did.

  At the end of January, Fuller called Nathan up after class once the room had emptied. The teacher said, “The school system is doing a joint effort with all senior English and art departments. They want to compile and publish the best student work in the metropolitan area. To this end, they’re asking teachers in these disciplines to submit the best of their best student efforts.” He steepled his fingers together. “I would very much like to submit the poem you wrote last semester. Is that all right?”

  Nathan’s jaw dropped. “My poem?”

  Fuller riffled through a folder. “This one.”

  Nathan glanced at the paper, but naturally, he knew the words by heart. “I—I guess it’s okay. Is it really good?”

  “I wouldn’t submit it if I didn’t think so. Do you mind if I put your name on the work instead of your number?”

  “I—I guess so.” He stood as if rooted.

  “Something else, Mr. Malone?”

  “Did you pick others from our class?”

  “Three others.”

  “How about the poem about Icarus? I never forgot that one.”

  “Why is that your concern, son?”

  Nathan felt his face redden. “It isn’t. I—I’ve just always wondered about the writer.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” Fuller said, straightening the folder. “The student won’t give permission for the work to be submitted.”

  “You should come to the Valentine’s dance with me.” Nathan said the words lightly, right after he and Lisa had completed a game of Ping-Pong in his garage.

  “Why should I do that?”

  “Because I asked you to.”

  Lisa tossed the paddle on the table, slipped on her jacket. “That’s sweet of you, but I hate school dances.” She started for her cycle, parked in the driveway.

  He caught her arm. “Skeet wants to take Jodie. They need wheels. I thought we could double.”

  “Can’t you loan him your car?”

  “Not without you and me in it.”

  She struggled not to grin. “So going to the dance would be a rescue mission? For Skeet and Jodie?”

  “Pretty much.” Nathan’s heart hammered. He wanted to hold her and kiss her beautiful mouth.

  “Well, since you put it like that.” She threw her leg over her Harley.

  “It’s a date?” His heart was doing cartwheels.

  “It’s a date.”

  The Valentine’s dance was held at one of Atlanta’s posh country clubs. Nathan had looked forward to it for days and had rented a tux, bought Lisa a corsage, washed and waxed his car. When he and Skeet arrived at the apartment complex, Skeet hurried off to get Jodie, and Nathan went to Lisa’s. She opened the door herself and Nathan gave a low whistle. She wore a long gown of midnight blue that shimmered when she moved. Her hair hung loose, not piled in fancy curls and sprayed stiff. “You’re staring. This look all right?” she asked.

  “I have no words.”

  Her features softened. “I’ll report that to the saleslady.”

  “Where’re Charlie and your mother?” Nathan realized Lisa was alone. His mother had taken a ton of photos before he could step out the door, plus given him a disposable camera with instructions to get shots of himself and his friends at the dance.

  “They took a few days off and went to the casinos at Cherokee. A little vacation. Because it’s Valentine’s Day, Mom said she felt lucky.”

  He could tell that Lisa wasn’t happy about the trip. “I feel lucky too. I’m with you,” he said.

  When they stepped into the main ballroom, heads swiveled and people whispered at the sight of them.

  Jodie clung to Skeet. “Why is it that I can sing to a hundred strangers, but I can hardly walk into this room with kids I’ve gone to school with for years without breaking into a cold sweat?”

  “If you did start singing, they’d fall at your feet,” Skeet said.

  “I miss our band,” Jodie said with a sigh.

  Larry had dropped them in favor of drumming for a rock group.

  “We’ll reorganize,” Skeet told her.

  But Nathan knew they wouldn’t. Every free minute he had, he wanted to spend with Lisa. The band was a distant third behind Lisa and keeping his grades up. He had been applying to colleges, and in March he’d sit for the SATs again. He’d done fine on the test in October, but now he might do better. And better could mean a scholarship and going away to college.

  The four of them found an empty table. “Punch?” Skeet asked. He left and returned minutes later balancing four cups. He set them on the table, looked about covertly, reached into his pocket and pulled out a half pint of whiskey. “Want some? I took it from the old man’s stash.”

  Nathan sidled Lisa a glance. He didn’t want to drink, but he would if she did.

  Lisa shook her head. “Not tonight.”

  Relieved, Nathan turned down Skeet’s offer too. Skeet looked disappointed. “You two aren’t much fun.”

  “We’re a lot of fun,” Lisa said, patting his hand. “Jodie, get this guy dancing before he gets too loaded.” Once they were alone, she asked Nathan, “Are you going to ask me to dance?”

  “I can only dance to the slow ones,” he confessed, remembering how she had danced at the frat party. “The other kind of dancing wasn’t on my homeschooling schedule.”

  As soon as the music slowed, they went out onto the crowded floor. From the moment he took her in his arms, Nathan was certain he wouldn’t be able to let go when the music stopped. Her perfume, a mixture of some spring flower and
fresh rain, intoxicated him. The curve of her waist under his hand made him lightheaded. Her cheek rested on his shoulder, sending shivers straight through him, turning him clumsy and oafish.

  Without warning, he felt a bump and turned to see the faces of Roddy and his date, a cheerleader named Crissy. “Whoops,” Roddy said, without a hint of regret. Then he did a double-take as he looked from Nathan to Lisa.

  Quickly Nathan ducked Lisa between two other couples, putting distance between them and the scowling Roddy. Nathan felt on top of the world. “Did you see the look on Rod’s face? Now I know how Neanderthals felt when one brought home the biggest mastodon,” he crowed in Lisa’s ear.

  She stopped dancing. “Are you comparing me to an extinct furry elephant?”

  “No, no. I—I just meant—”

  She burst out laughing. “I wish you could see your face, Malone.”

  He pulled her closer. “What I meant to say, he can’t figure out how a babe like you would be seen with a doofus like me.”

  “Good recovery. But you’re not a doofus,” she said. “A dork, maybe, but no doofus.”

  “Thank you for raising my social status. I was really worried.”

  She laughed and it sounded like music.

  By the time the dance was over and they’d stopped for coffee and arrived back at the apartment complex, Nathan was high on his own adrenaline, hating for the evening to be over, ever mindful of the curfew his mother had imposed. The notion of it brought him down. Skeet was feeling no pain, and once Nathan had parked and Skeet had exited the car with Jodie, Skeet said, “I’m going to crash on Jodie’s sofa. Her mom will let me. I can’t go home like this because the old man will kill me.”

  “He won’t care if you’re gone all night?”

  “Get real. He keeps wishing I’d disappear.”

  Jodie steadied him, and Nathan watched them walk away.

  “Come on,” Lisa said, taking Nathan into her place. She kicked off her strappy high heels as she walked in the door. “Want a soda?”

  “Sure.” Suddenly, he didn’t care about his stupid curfew. He was with Lisa, and that’s where he wanted to be.

  She poured them both a soda, gathered up the hem of her dress and retreated to her room. Nathan followed hesitantly. She flopped onto her bed, resting on her elbows, the long dress clinging to her every curve. He stood awkwardly at the door. She patted the bed. “I won’t bite.”

  He sat next to her. “Well, fair warning: I might.”

  She studied him thoughtfully. “Thank you for tonight.”

  “That’s my line.”

  “It gave me something I’ve always wanted.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Normal.” Her expression had gone soft and serious. “Tonight I was a normal high school girl, going to a normal high school dance with three normal high school friends. I really had a good time.”

  He set down his drink, scooted closer to her. “I’ve never done it before either. I’m glad we got to do it with each other.” He tucked her hair over her shoulder. “Lisa, I—”

  She moved away from him, toward the headboard. “Are you going to get sentimental on me, Malone?”

  He moved next to her. “Yes.” He took her in his arms, kissed her mouth. She tasted of cold cola and cherry lip gloss and it made his head swim. When the kiss broke, he saw that her cheeks were damp. “Are you crying?” It wasn’t the result he had hoped for.

  She swiped her cheek, laughed self-consciously. “It’s the sweetness of it all. You have no idea how wonderfully and terribly sweet this is to me. Sweet and normal.”

  He was confused because her emotions seemed all over the place—one minute joking, the next crying. Girls were baffling. “What can I say? I want to make you happy.”

  “Really?”

  “I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it.”

  Tears pooled in her eyes. “I don’t want you to leave,” she said softly. “I don’t want to be left alone.”

  His heart hammered as he realized how alone they were. The idea of staying made him lightheaded. He cupped her face, stared deeply into her violet eyes, and there he saw something else he’d never seen before. Her bravado was stripped away. He saw fear and loneliness. He saw pain and raw need. Her walls were down, and he knew he couldn’t leave her. “Let me make a call,” he told her.

  He went into the hall and with shaking fingers punched in his home number. His mother answered on the second ring. “Mom?”

  “Are you all right?”

  “Mom, I’m fine.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing’s wrong. I’m going to be late, that’s all.”

  “How late will you be?”

  He took a deep breath. “I’ll be home in the morning, first thing.”

  “You’ll what? You have no permission—”

  “Mom, don’t.”

  “You don’t call me and announce that you’re staying out all night! Where are you anyway?”

  “I’m safe. I—I’m with Lisa.”

  “Where are her parents?”

  His mother was too insightful, for he’d hoped he wouldn’t have to tell her everything until the next day. Still, he wasn’t going to lie to her either. “They’re not here.”

  Dead silence, then, “Have you been drinking?”

  “Not a drop. Let me talk to Dad.”

  When his father came on the line, Nathan said, “I’m calling because I don’t want Mom calling the police. I’m safe, sober, and sane. I know what I’m doing. Trust me. Please.”

  His mother came back on the phone. “This is ridiculous, Nathan. You can’t—”

  “But I am. I’ll be home in a few hours.”

  “That girl is poison!”

  “Mom … I love you.” He cut off the call, turned off his cell phone and flipped it closed. He went back into the room to be with Lisa.

  The next morning Lisa surprised him by coming to his house with him. “You don’t have to,” he said.

  “Yes, I do.”

  They rode in silence and walked into the kitchen hand in hand. His parents were at the table, his father flipping through the newspaper, his mother feeding the twins. Karen looked up, and her angry expression gave way to one of surprise. The twins squealed when they saw Nathan and Lisa. Karen returned to feeding them cereal and bananas. “Sit down until I finish with the girls,” she said.

  Nathan first poured himself and Lisa cups of coffee. He nodded at his father, who raised his eyebrows and returned to his paper. The tension in the room was like summer air before a rainstorm, thick and oppressive, and except for the burbling of Audrey and Abby, no one spoke. When the girls were finished eating, Karen washed them up and carried them to their playpen in the other room, where they could be seen from the doorway. The moment she stepped back into the kitchen, Lisa said, “It was my fault Nathan didn’t come home last night. He did it as a favor to me because I asked him to.”

  Karen was in no mood for either excuses or apologies. “I know you both think my rules are old-fashioned and provincial. I know you both believe that enlightened parents let their kids make the rules. I know you have freedoms that Nathan doesn’t have, Lisa. But common sense dictates that rules and safeguards are for a person’s protection, not simply an annoyance to be circumvented any way possible.”

  Nathan knew she was just getting warmed up.

  “What are you two thinking? Spending the night together? Do you believe I’m so stupid as to not remember teenage hormones? For god’s sake, what if you got pregnant? You’d ruin both your lives!”

  Nathan felt heated embarrassment and anger over his mother’s tirade. He wanted to yell back at her, but Lisa spoke first, her voice calm, quiet. “That won’t happen, Mrs. Malone. I won’t get pregnant because, you see, I won’t live long enough to ever have a baby.”

  She went on to tell Nathan’s parents everything about her tumor, much as she’d told Nathan. Her voice was soft, her eyes dry, as if the fear and pain she’d
felt last night in her room had vanished with the rising of the sun. At some point, his mother sat down at the table, her face a mask of disbelief. “And now the second round of radiation is over,” Lisa said. “Unfortunately it hasn’t helped much. The tumor hasn’t shrunk, but at least it’s dormant. We don’t know for how long.”

  This was news to Nathan, and he felt as if he’d been punched.

  “They want to try a new kind of Gamma Knife radiation, but it’s a long shot too. The tumor’s just too close to some vital brain tissue.”

  “Are you going to do it anyway?” Nathan’s question turned Lisa’s attention his way.

  “I want to graduate. A person needs goals and that’s mine. So if I do it, it won’t be until after school’s over.” She looked again at Karen and Craig. “I swore Nathan to secrecy, made him promise to tell no one what was happening to me. He kept that promise and I hope you won’t hold it against him. It’s my story. My life. Please … don’t … punish him.”

  From the other room, Audrey wailed because Abby had bopped her on the head with a plastic block. Karen pushed herself up from the table with both hands, wavered for a moment as if she were shouldering a heavy weight. “I—I have to think about this, Lisa.”

  “I understand.”

  She paused at the doorway, her back to them. “I—I’m sorry that you’re sick.”

  “So am I,” Lisa said.

  Nathan’s father cleared his throat. “Thank you for telling us.”

  “You needed to know.”

  Karen said, “I had a daughter once and lost her.”

  “Nathan told me.”

  “I miss her every day.”

  Nathan caught sight of Molly’s old drawing still stuck to the refrigerator across the room. The drawing had been laminated. A lump formed in his throat that he could not swallow.

  Oddly, Nathan’s family did not talk about Lisa’s illness at his house, and the incident of his staying out all night melted away. He ran into Lisa’s mother and Charlie whenever he went over to get Lisa, and they were friendly to him. “You’re such a nice young man,” Jill would tell him if she was home. “I told Lisa she should find a nice guy and leave those losers behind.”