Fashionably Dead and Wed Book 7

by Robyn Peterman

  “You were suggesting that the rest of our race learn of Samuel’s powers. Rationally, I understand that you didn’t mean that, but that’s exactly what it would lead to. My son’s gifts need to be kept under wraps as much as possible until he’s able to defend himself. He is nowhere near being able to defend himself. So… suggest it again and you lose your head.”

  “My apologies,” Gareth said. “You are correct and I was, um…”

  “You were bass-ackwards, Gong Show goofy, full of bollocks, you FUBARed?” Pam offered with a chuckle.

  “Wrong would have sufficed,” Gareth said with an eye roll that he somehow made look proper.

  “The Demons are nothing new. Dealing with angry Vampyres is nothing new,” Ethan said, now calm. “All of these things we have dealt with and will deal with again—many times.”

  “I’m meeting with Satan shortly and I’ll have the portals closed this evening,” I told everyone. “I’m with Ethan on protecting Samuel. Anyone who goes near him without our permission will be a pile of dust.”

  “Mommy, wif all due respect, Uncle Garif is right. Me can tell who is opening the port holes,” Samuel said as he crawled into my lap and laid his tired head on my shoulder.

  “I’ll keep that in mind, little man,” I said as I buried my face in his soft silky curls. “But this is nothing you need to worry about right now. Do you understand?”

  “Yep,” he said with a huge yawn. “Blobbityflonk can do it if you don’t want me to.”

  “What?” I asked, confused. “Blobbityflonk can see people too?”

  Blobbityflonk was our pet baboon—an ill-advised Christmas gift to Samuel from Mother Nature. At first I was appalled due to his odor and lack of bathroom etiquette, but I quickly fell in love with the stinky bastard. He’d grown on Ethan as well, even though he complained about him frequently.

  “Yes. Blobbityflonk can do lots of stuff,” Samuel said as his eyes began to flutter closed.

  “Good to know, Baby,” I whispered to my now sleeping child.

  His growth spurts made him constantly tired. With an internal sigh, I wondered if he’d wake up as a teenager tomorrow morning.

  “Let me take him to the nursery,” Pam whispered. She held out her arms for my boy. “We’ll stay with him until we get this motherhumpin’ clustershitwhomp figured out. You deal with that pesky pain-in-the-ass Uncle of yours, and the King and I will protect Samuel.”

  The King nodded and smiled. I couldn’t ask for better protection. The two put together were as deadly as they came.

  I nodded and relinquished my most precious possession into the hands my Guardian Angel. Ethan seemed at peace with the situation as well. Pam and the King quietly left the office. We all stood silently, lost in our own thoughts. However, I was quite sure my thoughts were very different from those of Heathcliff, Raquel and Gareth.

  “So did you pop that skank, Harry?” I asked Ethan with raised brows and my arms crossed over my chest.

  “Um… we have to go,” Raquel said quickly as she grabbed Heathcliff and Gareth and pulled them toward the door with an expression of horror on her face.

  “Yes,” Gareth said with a barely veiled grin. “Would hate to see my brother get his ass handed to him. Wait. I’d love to see that. I think we should stay.”

  “We’re leaving,” Raquel hissed as she slapped her brother in the back of the head and shoved him out the door.

  “We’ll be staying in my old quarters tonight if you need a place to bunk,” Heathcliff told Ethan with a quick bow as he sprinted after his mate.

  “So you did poke her,” I said, starring daggers at Ethan.

  “I’m a great deal older than you,” Ethan said, watching me warily. “You knew I wasn’t a saint.”

  “This is correct,” I agreed with a careless shrug. “I have no control over the women you slept with before me. However, in the future you will inform me of your belt notches before I get blindsided by them during a meeting.”

  “I’d forgotten about her,” he confessed sheepishly.

  Inside I cheered, but outwardly I stayed cool. “She certainly didn’t.”

  “I’m memorable,” he said with a smug grin.

  “So you say…”

  “Does someone who clearly meant little to nothing to me really bother you?” Ethan asked. He scrubbed his hand over his face and tried to hide his smile.

  “Let’s turn that question around, Little Mister. How exactly would you feel if some dude was eyeball fucking me during a meeting because I’d horizontal mamboed with him several hundred years ago?”

  His grin was gone—completely gone.

  “Fair point. Well made,” he growled. “Shall I kill her?”

  “Um, no,” I choked out on a somewhat horrified laugh. “You’d have to kill quite a few gals if I was that bloodthirsty. I’m not. I just didn’t like the darling thing and the drool.”

  “Astrid, I’m yours completely. What can I do that would make you happy?”

  I sat and contemplated for a long moment and then I felt a big very naughty grin pull at my lips. “After I talk with Satan, meet me in the empty suite on the third floor.”

  “The one near our guests?” he asked with a raised brow and a sexy little smirk.

  “Yep.”

  His laugh went all through me and my tummy tingled with anticipation. I would show Harry-Scary-Larry-Mary just whose darling Ethan was. My kind understood two things things—violence and sex. Possession was nine tenths of the law and I was definitely in possession.

  Chapter 7

  “Do you have a wedding planner?” Satan asked, wandering around the office searching for something.

  “I’ve been doing it myself,” I said following him to make sure he wasn’t absconding with more of our stuff. There weren’t many office supplies left after his last visit. I couldn’t have him stealing the furniture.

  He came to an abrupt halt and I bashed right into him. “That’s ridiculous. You can’t plan a wedding for thousands by yourself.”

  “Memo to the Devil,” I snapped. “We are not inviting thousands. It’s family and friends only.”

  “Whose friends? My friends or your friends?”

  “You don’t have any friends.”

  “Right,” he replied with a shrug and a grin. “I keep forgetting that.”

  He paced the office in agitation so I sat down and watched. My Uncle was not one to rush. He’d get to all of his points when he was ready—and apparently he wasn’t quite there yet.

  “I could swear it was in here,” he muttered as he circled the room and rearranged Ethan’s belongings.

  “What are you looking for?” I asked wanting to get to the part of the visit that including closing the portals.

  “Nothing for you to worry about,” he replied as he ceased his meandering. He took a seat behind Ethan’s desk propping his Armani clad feet on top of it with a thud.

  I stifled a giggle. Satan was a piece of work.

  “I have three Demons I want you to meet. They’re all dying to meet you—no pun intended—and they’re gay,” he announced with great satisfaction.

  “Oookay,” I said slowly, trying to figure out what gay Demons had to do with closing the portals. “Is it important that they’re gay?”

  “Of course it is,” he huffed. “No one needs a straight wedding planner. It would be sinful.”

  “First of all, I already told you that I’m planning the wedding myself. I don’t need a gay Demon.”

  “Everyone needs a gay Demon,” Satan replied with an eye roll. “Are you homophobic?”

  “I most certainly am not,” I snapped. “Why would you even say such an awful thing?”

  “Because you said you would never have a gay Demon wedding planner.”

  “I did not say that.”

  “Ahhh, but you did. You took issue that they were girly men and said because of this they didn’t have the talent to plan your nuptials.”

  “Oh my Hell,” I shouted as my fingers spark
ed and I set a priceless silk throw pillow on fire. We really needed to get rid of all the expensive shit in this house. “You are such a dick. Of course, I would have a gay Demon wedding planner. I have no issues with anyone’s sexual preference.”

  “Wonderful. The boys will be here tomorrow morning at eight am sharp to audition for you.”

  Satan clapped his hands together signaling that we were through with the subject as I flicked my fingers and doused the pillow with water. With sickening clarity, I realized that yet again I’d been had by my uncle. I debated momentarily if it would be smarter to concede this battle because there was a bigger one at hand or rip the Devil a new one for tricking me…

  His ass was safe for the time being.

  I’d never admit it, but the wedding planning was slightly beyond my skill set. Furthermore, I was tying the knot in Hell. I probably did need some help from someone who actually resided there. But wait…

  “What do you mean audition?” I asked warily, stuffing the ruined pillow behind a few others. That didn’t sound right to me—at all.

  “You’ll see,” Satan said with a shrug and a barely disguised grin.

  Shit.

  “Fine,” I replied through gritted teeth, deciding I didn’t want to spend anymore time than I had to with my Uncle. It was dangerous and usually led to an explosion of some kind. It could take hours to pry information from him and I needed to go get laid in the guest room. “When can you close the portals?”

  “Already done,” he replied. “However, a few have reopened. I’ve got a group of SWAT Demons out right now trying to figure out this annoying puzzle.”

  I sat for a moment and digested the fact that there was a SWAT Demon team and decided to let it go. Today was full of surprises and most of them unwelcome.

  “What if they can’t find out who’s reopening them?” I asked realizing with an uncomfortable gulp what my Uncle had been searching for.

  It had to be that damn three headed monstrosity that I’d shoved under the chair. Whatever. There was no way I could remove it inconspicuously from its hiding place with him in the room.

  Satan pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed so dramatically I almost laughed. “If—and I mean if—my Demons can’t find and destroy whatever is opening the portals, I suppose I’ll pull a favor and bring in the God Squad.”

  It was my turn to pinch the bridge of my nose. God Squad? Was he yanking my chain? “At the risk of sounding like a dumbass. What in the Hell is a God Squad?”

  “A fine question,” he replied with a moue of distaste. “It’s my brother’s SWAT team—full of do-gooders. I’d hate to use them, but I did promise you I’d close the portals.”

  “You plan on keeping your promise?”

  He stared at me for a long moment and then tilted his head to the side. “For you? Yes. I plan to keep this promise. I can’t guarantee that I’ll keep any other promise I make. It’s not in my nature to actually follow through with things, but this is my wedding gift to you and that thing you’re marrying.”

  “The thing’s name is Ethan and why?”

  “Why what?” Satan asked, confused.

  “Why will you keep your promise to me? I’m not buying the wedding gift thing,” I replied with a laugh trapped in my throat that was very close to escaping.

  “Because,” he replied curtly with a wave of his hand signifying that we were done with the conversation.

  “Because you like me?” I teased.

  “I don’t like anyone,” he shot back with a raised brow.

  “I beg to differ,” I said as I raised my own brow to match his. “You love me.”

  “That’s absurd,” Satan said angrily. “I love no one.”

  “I call bullshit on that. You love me, you love Grandpa, you love Mother Nature, and you love Dixie. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t love the Seven Deadly Sins, but I’m pretty sure you do. And I’m positive you love Samuel. So there. You can take that and shove it up your evil butthole.”

  “Let’s leave my butthole out of this,” he replied easily with an enormous eye roll. “I might like that list of people you mentioned, but love is pushing it. However, if you share this conversation with anyone, I’ll make you quite sorry you did so.”

  “And what exactly will you do?” I goaded him, enjoying my heart-to-heart with the Devil. “Kill me?”

  “Now since we both know that’s almost virtually impossible, that’s a very silly thing to say,” he said as he clapped his hands and made Ethan’s desk disappear. “It will look better in my office.” He took in my shocked expression with glee. “Let’s just say I could make it very difficult for you to find things and it would be such a shame if your wardrobe and shoes disappeared on a regular basis.”

  “This is true,” I said slowly wondering if I was brave or insane enough enough to show my hand…Yes. Yes, I was. “Be that as it may, it might be a tad bit embarrassing for you if the video of you sleep-singing Journey’s Greatest Hits was to end up on YouTube and went viral,” I countered with a nonchalant shrug on the outside and a churning stomach on the inside.

  “You wouldn’t,” he said with a huge belly laugh and a look of pure fatherly pride on his beautiful face. “That would be a very bad move on your part, Astrid. However, the sheer size of your balls brings me untold amounts of pleasure. Your Demon side is developing very nicely.”

  “I’d say thank you, but I’d be lying,” I told him. “I’m me. I’m a materialistic, profane, Vampyre-Demon mom who has a conscience. My Demon side is only a small part of who I am.”

  “So you say… I must be off. I have a rendezvous with a rather vicious Demon. Can’t be late. She’s a horrible woman and prone to violence if kept waiting. It’s incredibly arousing,” he said as he stood and glanced around the room one last time. “Oh, and because God is such a whiney bastard, you should expect a visit from Jeff.”

  “Jeff?” I asked, letting my head fall back on the couch. I had no more time for celestial beings to come and hang out. I was horny and needed to let Mary-Harry-Larry-Scary know who was bumping uglies with Ethan. “Who is Jeff?”

  “Jeff is an annoying motherfucker who likes to think of himself as a pre-marital counselor. I find this rather ludicrous since the slimy little bastard has never been married and touts his celibacy as if it were a virtue,” Satan explained with a shudder of distaste.

  “He’s an Angel? An Angel named Jeff?” I asked to make sure I understood this new and unfortunate wrinkle.

  “Yes, and he’s coming to meet with you and Ethan about your wedding. I have no clue when. Those rude bastards always show up at the most inconvenient times,” Satan hissed.

  I bit back a grin as he could have been talking about himself, but there was no way in Hell I was going to mention that. I valued my undead life.

  “And who did I screw over in a former life to merit a visit from Jeff?” I snapped.

  “You tell me,” Satan shot back with a laugh. “Actually, your human record is fairly clean. It’s all God’s fault. My brother got pissy because I’m hosting something that technically should take place on his turf. So I agreed to let Jeff come and spout some bullshit to you.”

  “Hold the fuck on here,” I growled. “This is my wedding. Not yours and not God’s. Where do you two get off arranging things for me? I’m already mated. The marriage is just for…”

  “For what?” Satan asked, truly curious. “Why is it so important to you?”

  “Um… because,” I said, not knowing how to explain something so precious to the freakin’ Harbinger of Evil.

  “Astrid, I know I’m not your father. Thankfully, you killed the bastard. I owe you for that by the way. And since that waste of space was my brother, it makes me the next best person to take on a fatherly role to you.”

  “Are we having a father-daughter talk?” I choked out, unsure whether to laugh or run screaming from the room.

  “I suppose,” Satan said thoughtfully with a small surprised chuckle. “Although episodes lik
e these screw with my street cred. If you ever speak of this, I will smite your ass so thoroughly you won’t be able to sit on it for a year. Are we clear?”

  “Crystal.”

  “So I’d like to think you’re having this wedding to say fuck you to all the Vampyres, but I’d be wrong—and I’m rarely wrong. You’re having this wedding because you haven’t let go of your humanity. I find this interesting since you are so much more now than you were. Being human is overrated. They’re so weak and malleable. But that’s what it is, isn’t it?”