Fashionably Dead and Wed Book 7

by Robyn Peterman

  There was a group of my Vampyre friends from the Cressida House and a gathering of my Demon friends from Hell. Mr. Rogers and Hemmingway were off to the left side, deep in conversation. I was sure they were making bets on the odds of me showing up. I hoped Mr. Rogers won—he usually did.

  Martha and Jane were on the end of the second row warming up their voices. Shit. I’d forgotten about my present. They both saluted me with their middle fingers and I knew all was right with the world. It would have been far more disturbing if they’d blown kisses.

  Sir James and his daughter Cathy looked regal and lovely. They were Heathcliff’s father and sister, and therefore my family. A sad smile pulled at my lips as I thought of my beloved Nana. She was in Heaven and she was the love of Sir James’ life. He waited patiently for the time she was allowed to come back to him. It was my one sadness of the day that she wasn’t here. I truly hoped she was able to watch me get married from Heaven.

  A tiny squeal left my lips when I spotted The Dave with Susu, Lulu, Tutu and Huhu. The miniature Fairies were beside themselves and flitted around The Dave’s head like gnats. Susu was eyeing Gemma with besotted adoration. Gemma hadn’t met her tiny Guardian Angel yet. Susu was a freakin’ nutbag, Gemma was in for the ride of her life with that one.

  Mother Nature sat in the front row with her sons on each side. A shimmering silver and golden glow surrounded my Uncle God. He nodded his head to me and a feeling of absolute peace and harmony rushed into my body and settled in a warm little ball near my heart. Satan, on the other hand, was clearly still pouting about Steve Perry. Lucifer waved but then pointed in frustration at the famous singer who was tucked safely in a seat across the aisle and several rows back. The reception should be interesting…

  Mother Nature, slapped the back of Satan’s head as God tried to cover a covert laugh. Satan rolled his eyes and slumped low in his chair. My grandma then blew me a kiss and winked at Grandpa.

  The bridesmaids and groomsmen were in the back with me ready to walk. A door opened in the far wall of the ballroom and the most beautiful man in the world walked out and took his place on the platform. His eyes were glued to me and mine to his.

  What in the living Hell had I been worried about?

  Everything about this moment and the man I was marrying was perfect.

  Rejoice in love in every way possible. The thought of the many years ahead and the ways I could accomplish didn’t scare me anymore. Nope, the thought excited me. I was going to love Ethan like he’d never been loved—with my mind, my body and my non-beating heart.

  “Mommy, do me go yet?” Samuel asked, pulling on my dress.

  He was such a handsome little boy—just like his daddy. Balancing the pillow with rings on it carefully in his hands, he sat atop Bambi the Hellhound. Bambi was ginning so hard I couldn’t help but join her. All three rows of the Hellhound’s razor sharp teeth were showing. If I didn’t know and love her, I would have run for my undead life. Bambi was a fine example about not judging a book by its cover. She held a basket of golden rose petals in her canines and wore a garland of pale pink lilies around her thick and hairy neck.

  “I’m so honored to be the flower girl,” she told me as she nudged me lovingly. “This is a first for me.”

  “Me too,” I said as I bent down and hugged her. “Is Samuel okay on your back?”

  “Another honor,” she replied with a snuffle. “He’s a delight like I have never known. You must bring him to visit me more often.”

  “Yesssss!” Samuel agreed as he buried his face in Bambi’s fur. “Bambi will love Blobbityflonk!”

  “I’m sure she would. Is he here?” I asked with a slight wince. Our baboon was capable of tremendous damage.

  “Yes! He in the kitchen cooking up a storm!” Samuel informed me.

  Sweet Hell in a supersonic hand basket. Was Blobbityflonk Mother Nature’s secret chef? Wonders would never cease to amaze me.

  “Okay, Samuel and Bambi, it’s time to go,” Demon Doug said quietly as he gently gave Bambi a little push. “Remember to smile.”

  Demon Doug had gone all out. He looked like an Elton John impersonator from the 70’s. The tight pantsuit, platform boots and humongous sunglasses were something to behold. However, his outfit belied his calm and professional manner. He couldn’t stop himself from throwing up a few jazz hands, but he was running the show in the back with loving military precision.

  “The wedding party will go next and then you and your grandpa,” he whisper-squealed and then did a quick and mind boggling cartwheel.

  Well… professional for a rotund, dancing, gay Demon.

  The guitar still played the intro to the song. It repeated the same beautiful refrain over and over as the words seemed to wait for me.

  Each of the couples walked down the aisle and took their places on the stage.

  Dixie with Hayden.

  Pam with The Kev.

  Raquel with Heathcliff.

  Paris Hilton with my cousin Jesus.

  And finally Venus with Gareth. I was happy to see that Gareth was still alive. However, Venus refused to even spare him a glance as they made their way to their spots, much to his frustration.

  Jesus came as a dapper hippie—long hair, sandals and a Jim Morrison t-shirt. It was totally fabu with his tux. His smile and hug warmed me to the core. I was so humbled that he and God had come to Hell for the wedding.

  Gemma and The King were the last to walk as they were the Best Man and Maid of Honor.

  “I love you, Astrid,” Gemma whispered as she hugged me tight. “We’ve waited for this since we were little girls.”

  “It’s kinda perfect. Right?” I said as happy tears pooled in my eyes.

  “Totally, dude. And you’ll be pleased to know there’s not one clown here.”

  “Amen to that,” I said with a giggle.

  The King gave me a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Welcome to the family—again.”

  “Thank you—again,” I replied and kissed him back.

  “See you down there,” Gemma said over her shoulder, as she and The King walked to their spots.

  “Looks like it’s our turn,” Grandpa said, squeezing my hand.

  “Yep,” I agreed and glanced around one last time. I knew when I got to Ethan, he was all I would see.

  Steve Perry stepped up to a mic, gave me a wink, and started to sing. Happy chills ran through my body as my friend sang the beautiful words to Marry Me by Train. I wasn’t sure who picked the song, but it couldn’t have been more right.

  “Forever can never be long enough for me,” Steve sang as I started to walk.

  The song filled my soul and the words defined my feelings. I felt the impulse to run to Ethan, but thankfully Grandpa had my arm tucked firmly through his. His slower pace was far more appropriate. It would have been a major faux pas for me to sprint down the aisle dragging my grandfather, but it was exactly what I wanted to do.

  Ethan’s eyes burned green with love and adoration as I approached. Grandpa handed me over and shook Ethan’s hand before he seated himself between Mother Nature and Satan.

  “Stunning,” Ethan whispered.

  “Back at ya, Sexy Pants,” I said, as I held onto him for purchase.

  Ethan in a tux should be illegal. He was more beautiful than any movie star or model from a magazine. But even more important than his fine abs, ass, lips and things I couldn’t think about while Uncle God and Jesus were present, was his soul. It was kind, strong, loving and good. And it was mine.

  Movement out of the corner of my eye pulled my focus from my mate to the man approaching the stage.

  It was Jeff the premarital Angel and he was grinning from ear-to-ear. His unruly red hair was slicked back and he wore a pair of wire rim glasses instead of the horn rims I’d seen. But the kicker was his wings—huge, fluffy and as white as snow. He was still dorky, but beautiful at the same time.

  “I’m pleased to let you know you passed,” Jeff informed us with a pious nod.

/>   “Thank God,” I said sarcastically.

  “What?” God called out from his chair as Ethan blanched and I wanted to crawl under something.

  “Um… nothing,” I stammered while Jeff gave me the eyeball. “My bad. Sorry.”

  “No worries,” God replied with a chuckle. “Happens all the time. Carry on, please.”

  Jeff cleared his throat a few times, adjusted his wings and pushed his glasses up on his nose. “Because of the rather non-traditional venue, I’ve been forbidden to do a regular religious ceremony,” Jeff said with a slightly sour look on his freckled face.

  “Damn straight,” Satan shouted and then got walloped by both his mother and father.

  Ignoring the now cursing Devil, Jeff continued. “So why don’t we go ahead with the vows you’ve written to each other.”

  Ethan and I froze. What in the living Hell was douchebag Jeff talking about? We were supposed to write vows? Why didn’t I know this? I shot Charles a look that made him duck for cover. Shit, could our file be reopened? Would we fail because of this new fucked up wrinkle?

  “Um… we didn’t exactly write vows,” I mumbled.

  “You didn’t do your homework?” Jeff asked looking down his nose at us as his wings ruffled in distress.

  “We were kind of busy killing stuff and trying to stay alive,” Ethan offered lamely.

  “This could be a problem,” he said. He produced a manual out of thin air and proceeded to frantically page through it searching for the answer of this new problem.

  “Ahhh, give me a fucking break,” Pam groused through a mouthful of cake as she stomped over from her position in line and shoved Jeff out of the way. “You are too pious for your own good, Jeff. What we need here is a female Angel with some sass and attitude. God, are you good with this?” Pam asked the Heavenly Father.

  “I’m good.” God gave Pam a thumbs up. “Let’s try to keep the profanity to a minimum, though,” he suggested.

  “Will do. Asstastic, did you hear the man?” she demanded with a cackle.

  “Pretty sure he was talking to you,” I shot back with an eye roll.

  “Hmm…” She considered the possibility and then shrugged it off with a grin. “You ready for me to marry you two?”

  “Do we have a choice?” I asked with an answering grin.

  “Nope.”

  “Then we’re ready,” Ethan chimed in gamely.

  “What about the vows we didn’t write?” I whispered to Pam.

  “No worries. Just pull them out of your ass,” she said.

  “Pam…” God called out with a raised brow.

  “Sorry,” she apologized to her boss. “I meant to say butt—not ass. Pull them out of your butt… please.”

  “So we just make them up?” I asked, terrified.

  “You have a better plan?” she inquired.

  I looked at Ethan and then I looked back at Pam. I didn’t have a better plan. I didn’t have any plan at all.

  “We’ll wing it,” I choked out to the delight of our friends and family.

  Ethan nodded, but looked as unsettled as I felt.

  We were about to wing the Hell out of it and then some.

  The crowd stared and waited. If it was embarrassing, I planned to wipe the memories of everyone in attendance. It would be hard but doable.

  “Just say what’s in your heart,” Pam suggested with a wink.

  “I can do that,” I said as I glanced up at Ethan and smiled. I could definitely do that. “Ethan, you are my best friend. Today I promise you this… I will laugh with you and cry with you. I will support you in kicking ass and taking no prisoners—I mean unless we have to take prisoners so we can get to the bottom of whatever clusterhump is happening. With you, I want to build a home full of love for our son and I want to live everyday of our excessively long lives together with you by my side. I will be your friend, partner, and lover until the end of time. I love you, Ethan.”

  Ethan’s smile delighted me and his kiss sent my head into a spin.

  “Not yet, boy,” Pam chastised him. “You say your vows and then I say the man and wife crap and then you can kiss her. Got it?”

  “Got it,” he replied with a shrug and a lopsided grin. “Astrid, you are the light in my life that I’ve waited an eternity for. It wasn’t until you came to me that I understood what living and love truly meant. I will always be your biggest fan and your partner in crime—mostly white collar of course—unless the bad guys deserve to be destroyed. I will love and cherish you and I will do my best not to be an alpha-hole. This will be difficult at times, but I’ll work on it. With you, I will build a life full of love for our child. I will love and cherish you till the end of time. I love you, Astrid.”

  “You done?” Pam asked Ethan.

  “And I will be your lover,” he added quickly with a sexy gleam in his eye.

  “Now are you done?” she inquired with a laugh.

  “Yes. I’m done now.”

  “Alrightyroo, by the power vested in me because I’m a freakin’ Angel, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Now you can kiss the bride,” Pam shouted to the cheers of our guests.

  And he did.

  He kissed the ever lovin’ heck out of me.

  And I kissed him right back.

  Chapter 24

  “Let the festivities begin!” Satan shouted, taking a grand bow and accepting applause like it was his due.

  Food and drink came through the swinging doors and music filled the huge ballroom. Mirror balls dropped in from the ceiling and Demons in red tuxedos quickly moved all the chairs from the ceremony and placed them at the large tables that had magically appeared. Shimmering golden balloons floated around the room and bounced off the heads of the delighted guests. I’d never been hugged and kissed so much in my life. I held my son in my arms and my husband stood at my side. It was all kinds of awesome.

  As I’d suspected, Blobbityflonk was Mother Nature’s secret chef. He wore a crisp white chef’s hat and an apron—and looked ridiculous. He ran circles around the ballroom making sure plates were filled, startling the pants off of most of the guests. Mother Nature took all the accolades for the food, but Blobbityflonk could have cared less. He was flirting his baboon ass off with the very receptive Bambi. I saw some half-baboon, half-Hellhound babies in our future…

  Many guests were dancing and those that could eat were partaking with enthusiasm. Satan had generously provided O positive for those who couldn’t consume food. There were open bars in every corner and the enormous wedding cake was the crowning jewel. I knew I couldn’t eat it, but I spotted Gemma stuffing some in her mouth so I could taste it.

  The lights dimmed and I expected my buddy, Steve Perry, to take the stage, but I was premature. The crowd cringed as two old biddies in sheer, flowing, pale pink tops with sequined matching boob tubes underneath paired with gold lame hot pants and black orthopedic shoes strode onto the stage. I rolled my eyes, but strangely looked forward to the hot mess that was about to occur.

  “I’d like to point out that we kept to the color scheme that Hooters McMarriedboobs chose,” Martha bellowed into the mic. “We were going to wear orange, but that little three headed freak threatened to turn us into shit piles.”

  “That’s correct,” Jane added as she picked up a second mic while pulling her underpants out of her crack. “We would like all of you to know that we will be appearing on American Idol this season. We won in Xanthia and have blackmailed that little fuck, Simon Cowell, into working a deal out for us.”

  “Well done,” Satan shouted. “I approve.”

  “We’ll be touring Siberia after the show ends and have a website you can subscribe to. It’s called We Can Sing the Shit Out of Anything. Our business cards will be at the door when you leave,” Jane announced.

  “We’re also on Facebook and Twitter,” Martha added.

  “I love Facebook,” Sloth yelled as she and the other Deadly Sins scoped out some of my male Vampyre friends.

  “You’ll
find lighters on the tables to use during our performance,” Martha said, doing a few deep knee bends to warm her skinny old bones up. “Try not to light anyone on fire. It will smell bad and Breasticle Knockersman won’t be happy. Without further ado, we give you our rendition of…”

  “Back in Black!” Jane grunted as the very famous beginning of one of the best songs ever written was about to be butchered.