All the Stars Left Behind

by Ashley Graham

  Roar sat down beside her. “Sure.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  He looked up, surprised. “How do you know something’s wrong?”

  “Come on. I don’t need to be a master of psychology to see something’s bothering you.”

  “It’s nothing new. One problem piled on top of another, and repeat.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “It’s like there’s a mountain in my way, and by the time I get to the top, seven more are waiting for me on the other side.”

  Leda sat up and rested her cheek against his shoulder. “So, you’d want to know if I had made my mind up then? About the surgery, I mean.”

  Roar turned his head, taking in her disheveled hair, still wet from the shower. He’d forgotten to show her how to dry her hair. “’Course I do.”

  “While you were running around and avoiding me before unveiling the best surprise ever, I talked it over with everyone on the ship.”

  Roar blinked. “Everyone? Even Stein?”

  “Yup. Surprisingly, he was on your side. He said it wasn’t worth the risk.”

  “What about the others? How’d you talk to Petrus?”

  “Oline stayed neutral, Nils wouldn’t give me an answer, Petrus said if it were his choice, he’d do it, Uncle Arne said he would, too. And easy: Petrus wrote down his answers. He said he’ll teach me Aurelis Standard Hand if I want to learn, which I definitely do.”

  Warmth bloomed in Roar’s chest. Though he shouldn’t have been surprised. Leda was familiar with struggles; it was a no-brainer that she’d be willing to step into someone else’s shoes. He cleared his throat. “So, what did you decide?”

  Leda scooted closer, her thigh pressed against his, and put her hands in her lap. “I’m going to go for it.” Her voice was a whisper. “Because I want to. Not because it’s the right thing to do or what I’m supposed to do. And I can feel it moving under my skin, Roar. It’s the most disgusting sensation ever. It makes me sick, knowing I’ve got something inside me like that. However it got there, and why, I don’t care. I just want it gone. I’m doing it for me. Understand?”

  He couldn’t argue with her there. The thought of having a living organism sliding around his spine made Roar shudder. He slid his hand in hers. “Okay. When?”

  “Soon. Very soon. Now all we have to do is get ready for my party.”

  “Party?”

  “Yeah, why not? And I’ve got news for you, buddy. You’re going to eat tofu, and you’re going to love it.”

  He made a face. “I’ll try it. Can’t guarantee any love for it, though.”

  “What’s not to love? Deep-fried golden brown, dipped in sweet chili sauce.” Leda sighed in delight.

  “Neither of those things sound good to me.”

  Laughing, she pulled his face down to hers and pressed a warm, firm kiss to his lips. They couldn’t do this forever, but for now, he felt like taking what he wanted, especially if she wanted it, too.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Even the recycled air on board Equinox smelled better as Leda went back to her room. She felt weightless and free, like she had during her space walk with Roar. An irrepressible smile took hold of her mouth and spread liquid sunshine through her whole body.

  Rika leaned against the wall near Leda’s door, frowning over a tablet. Leda’s sunshine feeling, the smile, the sheer joy in her heart, all of it was sucked away into the vacuum of space.

  Rika looked up from her work and smiled at Leda, the kind of fake smile Leda had seen a thousand times. Leda recognized that smile without pause now. The “bad news” smile people used when they wanted to prepare you, but let you down gently. How the hell did that stupid smile even become a thing? Like, “Hey, let’s be happy while I tell you that you’re gonna die, because even though it’s the dumbest thing ever, and everyone knows you won’t feel better with this stupid smile, I’m just doing it anyway.” Dad had given her the same smile when he told her he was sick, when he said he was getting worse, when she visited him in the hospital, and finally, when he told her he wasn’t getting any better. His body was attacking itself from the inside and nothing anyone did could stop it. He was going to die.

  Ironic, she supposed, that there was something inside her, too. Waiting for just the right moment to kill her—the moment she tried to do what she’d been born to do. At least they knew about it early enough to save her with surgery.

  Rika moved away from the wall, that stupid smile plastered on her face still. “You ready to get this thing out of you?”

  Leda countered with an artificial grin of her own. “You ready to tell me why you look so worried?”

  Rika’s expression softened. “Not much gets by you, does it?”

  “Let’s just say I have a little experience with medical emergencies. What’s wrong?”

  This time, Rika didn’t hide her concern. “Come with me to the lab. It’s better that I show you.”

  “The surgery itself is a fairly straightforward procedure,” Rika said, showing Leda a simulation in her lab. “I’m not saying it’ll be easy, but I’ll get that thing out of you. As soon as tomorrow, if you’re up for it.”

  Leda blinked. “Tomorrow?” That was quick. Almost too quick.

  “It’s okay if you need time. But I’d like to get this out of you soon. Make you better. Make you whole.” She touched Leda’s arm. “You’ll be okay.”

  “Then what’s got you so anxious?”

  Rika took a deep breath. “It’s about Roar. And you.” She pressed a few buttons and brought up an image of two silvery pools of liquid transfixed in digital space.

  “What is that?”

  “Your blood sample. And his.”

  “Wait, why are you studying a sample of Roar’s blood?”

  “Because you two are genetically linked.” At Leda’s confused stare, Rika explained. “The Jäger/Erlosser connection. You transmit to him, and that draws him to you. I still had his blood from when you were shot. We didn’t need it then, but now that you’re going through surgery, I thought I’d see if there was anything about his blood that would make him the best donor for you if anything went wrong. And then I saw this.”

  The static image of their blood samples dissolved into a video of Rika mixing the samples. The image focused on the blood as the two silver iridescent pools mixed.

  But then the pools shifted. A slight bubbling, then they merged with lightning speed, like they were drawn to each other, unable to resist. Nothing too unexpected. There was a biological component to Leda and Roar’s attraction, even if what they felt for each other went deeper than—

  The pools merged completely, and the liquid fizzled and burned bright, so bright that Leda instinctively brought her hands up to shield her eyes. But just as quickly as it gained intensity, the brightness disappeared, and when she looked again, the merged pool had turned black and gone still.

  “What does that mean?” She pointed at the blood. “Rika, what just happened?”

  “I don’t know. At least, I don’t understand it yet. There’s something about your blood and his that forms a chemical reaction. You’re drawn to each other, but if you actually mix, it’s like your blood turns to…” She paused for a long moment. “Poison. It could kill you from the inside out.”

  Leda touched the center of her brow. Her face felt numb, like she’d been punched over and over again. “Of course the one time I find a guy who likes me, there’s something that could literally kill me if we’re together.”

  “We don’t know that.”

  “Oh, come on. You just said it yourself. It’s like our blood turns to poison.”

  “Yes, but…” Rika sighed. “I have to do more tests. I need to understand this. I didn’t want to say anything until I understood. But I had to say something now. Because…”

  “Because you saw me and Roar.”

  She nodded. “Because I saw you and Roar.”

  Leda reached for the screen. Even though it was only an image of their blood, she couldn’t bring he
rself to touch it. All her life, she’d been told what she could do, what she couldn’t do, what options she had. Finding out she was an alien had empowered her. She had a duty, a purpose. But now that was all she had.

  Worse, her body wasn’t hers. Her heart wasn’t hers. Her life wasn’t hers. The only way to fulfil the power within her was to deny herself the one thing—the one person—she wanted.

  “Did you tell Roar?” Leda said.

  “No. I wanted to tell you first. I can tell him now.”

  “Don’t.” She paused at the door. “I’ll tell him myself. He should hear it from me.” She just needed time to gather enough strength before ripping out her own heart. And Roar’s.

  The party was cancelled. The last thing she felt like doing now was celebrating when everything continued turning against her. Seriously, what did a girl have to do for a little happiness?

  Leda snuck away to an empty room off the bridge. The room reminded her of a “ready room” on the sci-fi shows she used to watch with her dad. Dominating the room was a large table made of the same clear glass-like material as the panels on the bridge surrounded by chairs. Near the far corner, a desk, and beside it, a plush sofa.

  She had to figure out what she was going to say to Roar. He had enough on his mind what with him being a teenage captain trying to save an entire planet. More than anyone, she and Roar deserved to be selfish for a little happiness. If she could find the right words, maybe they could hold on to each other until Rika figured out what exactly the blood results meant.

  She leaned her crutches against the wall, then headed for the sofa and sat down. She reached into her back pocket, pulled out the folded photograph, and smoothed it on her thigh. Her parents stared up at her, and she had to pinch the back of her hand so she wouldn’t lose it. Deep breaths.

  She shut her eyes for a moment, picturing Dad the last time she had seen him when he was still healthy, but every memory had been tainted by the image of him lying in that hospital bed, hooked up to machines; tubes and wires everywhere.

  And now, apparently, something similar—or worse—would happen to her and Roar if she gave in to what her heart desired. The one person who’d made her feel wanted had been taken from her. And now, the one person who she wanted would be taken from her. Unless she pulled back. Can’t a girl catch a freaking break?

  She hadn’t heard the door open, or Roar come into the room. “There you are. I’ve been looking for you. Then I remembered I can track you using—” He broke off as she hastily wiped away tears. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing’s wrong.” She pressed the picture to her chest.

  He stared at her like he was trying to figure out what she meant by delving deep into her heart, as if the words were written there for him to see. “Is there anything I can do?”

  Besides take that look out of his eyes when he saw her? Because that would make this so much easier. What was she supposed to say to him? She didn’t even know how to say it to herself. Roar had a greater purpose. So did she. They couldn’t sacrifice it just for a few brief moments together. No matter how desperately she wanted to.

  And what would he say, anyway? Even if he was kind about it, he would have to acknowledge the truth. This was her fault. And if it got any worse, it would be on her shoulders, not his.

  It was a fact she’d learned to face long ago. She wouldn’t let anything that anyone else saw as a weakness hold her back. And she wouldn’t let it hold anyone else back.

  She shook her head. A few strands came loose from her braid. “I’m fine, thanks. What did you mean, you can track me?”

  Two pale spots formed on his cheeks. “Um, there’s a tracking system on the bridge and it connects to my comm. It helps keep a tally of all crew members and shows who’s where. It’s a way for me to make sure everyone is safe.” He grinned. “Especially you.”

  That smile dazzled her. Why did he have to be so damned amazing? Yeah, he was meant to find her—the weapon to save his planet—but somewhere along the way, he’d become a protector on his own. He didn’t just want to save his planet. He needed it. He needed to save everyone. And here she’d been thinking that she could find a way for them to be together without forsaking that.

  Leda re-folded the picture, then stood up and pushed it into her back pocket. “I needed a quiet place for a minute. But I don’t think this is as quiet as I wanted. I need to go to my room.”

  He raised a brow. “Do you want me to come with you?” He reached for her hand.

  It took everything she had to move away from him. The look of hurt on his face pinched her heart tighter, twisting the pain right to her soul.

  She wanted to tell him everything, but the same fear that had held her back her whole life formed an invisible barrier. If she admitted what Rika had shown her and Roar turned against her, Leda didn’t think her heart could survive it. Her whole life, people told her that something inside her was broken. She’d never be good enough.

  Roar had a mission, and so did she. It would be selfish on a level she couldn’t even imagine to jeopardize the survival of an entire race just so she could make googly eyes at the one boy who made her feel special. Even though everything inside her disagreed.

  Leda mentally prepared herself for how he’d react to what she had to say. “I should go be by myself. Rika said I should get a good night’s sleep tonight. Rest up for tomorrow.”

  His face turned to stone. “Why? What’s tomorrow?”

  She closed her eyes. “Um, my surgery.”

  “Tomorrow?” He swallowed loud enough for her to hear. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  The room felt stuffy and stale. Leda opened her eyes and avoided looking directly at Roar. “Well, Rika and I were talking, and she said she could do it whenever I was ready.”

  Roar stood and began pacing, his hands jammed in his pockets. “And when were you going to tell me? Or were you planning on letting me find out while you were lying dead on a table?”

  “It’s not like that. I just decided. Rika came to me and explained the procedure…” And then explained something even Rika didn’t understand yet. Leda just knew that if she told Roar now, he’d abandon her. She couldn’t lose him, not yet. No matter how much she knew she should tell him the truth, the words remained locked away.

  Roar shut his eyes and rubbed his temples. A moment later, he opened his eyes and said, “There’s something you’re not telling me.”

  Leda shook her head. Not yet. She’d hurt him enough for one night.

  His shoulders dropped and his gaze dipped to the floor between them. “I thought we were done with the secrets. I thought we trusted each other.”

  “I do trust you!”

  “And yet you’re being dishonest, even now.” He pierced her with a look. “But if you think that’s all it takes for me to give up on you, on us, you’ve got a lot to learn about me.”

  He walked away before she could respond. His footsteps disappeared down the hallway. Then he was gone.

  She sniffed, her stomach in knots. Not exactly how I saw that going down. She thought about going after him, but this was for the best. It would be better—easier—if he was angry and avoided her for now. She’d get around to telling him why they couldn’t be together, it would just have to come after Aurelius was saved. Assuming they didn’t get themselves killed in the effort.

  She made it to her cabin without bumping into anyone. Equinox felt like a ghost ship tonight. In her room, she propped Dad’s picture on the bedside table. Seeing his face had a calming effect, just like he had when she was younger. How many times had he brought her back from the edge of a major meltdown? Over the big stuff, but stupid things, too. A classmate teased her; a video game they couldn’t afford; Mom’s constant absence in their lives. What she wouldn’t give to see him standing here, in her empty cabin, his arms open, waiting. For her. Tears stung her eyes before spilling down her face. She didn’t wipe them away.

  I miss you, Dad. The pendant felt heavier against her ch
est, the metal cool on her bare skin. A reminder that even though she wasn’t alone now, all it would take was one tragic moment to rip it all away.

  Leda couldn’t be sure she slept much, if at all. Strange dreams with familiar voices. Shouting. Even a couple of f-bombs. Maybe it had been Roar. Maybe it was all in her head.

  Rika had said she’d be in sick bay from eight onward. Leda checked her watch—a quarter to. She took the long way, avoiding the places Roar might be.

  Damn this disease. Damn her destiny. Damn the people who had made the choice for her. She should be able to do what she wanted, be who she wanted, and be with who she wanted.

  Now she understood Roar’s conflict, his inability to escape his anger at his purpose while also craving that same purpose.

  She reached sick bay at eight. Rika stood inside, dressed in silvery scrubs and examined a long table of surgical instruments. On a good day, that stuff would make her queasy. How she held back the rising nausea now, she didn’t know.

  Rika peered up over the top of a checklist. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

  She wasn’t sure about anything any longer. But Leda knew she wanted this thing out of her, whatever it took. “I’m ready. Tell me what to do.”

  “If you’re absolutely sure.”

  “I am. I won’t change my mind.”

  Rika nodded. “In this room here, there’s a gown for you to put on. They’re pretty similar to the ones on Earth, but, they don’t have any closures. You’ll see when you put it on, you don’t need them.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’ll see. Make sure the opening is at the back.”

  Though stumped, Leda went into the small room and disrobed. She knew the procedure. She folded her jeans and shirt, and she hid her bra and underwear between them. From the shelf, she took a silky, silver gown. The material was like a sparkly waterfall running over her fingertips. She’d never seen anything like it.

  Leda put her arms through the gown and pulled the loose ends shut at the back. She felt them moving, as if they were alive, and gave a little yelp.

  “How are you doing in there?”